Hey bloggers I was just sitting here waiting for the new year reading my list of resolutions for 09 and not a lot of them happend. A few did but not a lot. And I was thinking that instead of a resolution list I would creat a list of things I want for myself in 2010. So here's a few I came up with

1. Blog more
2. Date
3. Stop cutting
4. Kiss someone
5. Do more painting
6. Study the scriptures more
7. Pray more
8. Stop swearing
9. Just stop what you are doing!
10. Be a better person
11. Find someone who makes you happy

Hopefully this year I will be able to cross a few off.

"you don't wait for people to rescue you, but you would like it sometimes if they did without you having to tell them. none of us are open books. and thats totally ok"

A friend of mine said that to me tonight and it kinda stayed in my mind

I hope that one day I won't hate every bit of myself

Its been 119 days since I last cut! Wow

Scars and mothers

so mom was studying my arms today finally noticing after all these years the intensity of my scars and all she says is "wow you did good on these hun, isnt it amazing how different scars can look. do you have any more?" in her evil mom tone. i told her no. little did she know that my body is covered with scars and that i wasnt lying because not one scar is the same.

My old scars hurt today. Not my newest ones but the old ones its weird

A Few Secrets

*I know that as much as I want to die, I will never hurt my family by killing myself.

*I love turning music up so loud it changes the beat of my heart.

*I know I'm a tease and I'm okay with it.

*Although people say I am, I have never seen myself as truly "pretty" and probably never will.

*I use LOL way too much in texts and IMs.

*I like to wear make-up even if I am sitting around the house.

*In 8th grade I gave my best friend a hand-job in his apartment complex pool. Two years later he told he was gay.

*I know I'm a crappy friend so I don't keep many around.

*In middle school when people noticed me cutting I told them it was from a poorly made bracelet and they believed me.

*Sometimes I want to stop cutting but I have no idea how else to get rid of that feeling.

*Most days I have no reason to wake up. But I do so that no one will ask if I'm okay.

*I sensor my thoughts feelings and emotions way too much.

*I think of AH more than I think of CR.

*I love watching live fireworks and feeling the explosion inside my chest.

*Sinse highschool 6 of my friends have died. 3 of which were suicide.

*For years my parents actually believed I was clumsy not a cutter.

*Its been years since I have actually been happy.

*I don't believe anyone has ever truly loved me.

*I have been told I am a great kisser.

*I am scared of living my life alone.

*Though I'm straight I love my breasts and am somewhat obsessed with breasts in general.

is it you?

When you get online, whose name do u look for first? When a slow song comes on the radio, whose face comes to your mind first? When you hear your phone ringing who do you hope is calling? Whose name makes your heart skip a beat?

So christmas was great. My brother and his wife came with their baby along with my grandparents for opening presents then we went to my aunts house for dinner. It was a great day!

I did get in a fight with chris last night and ended up getting so mad I was crying. He just made me so mad I was screaming at him and he didn't even care. The worst part was that after an hour of him not talking to me I text him apologizing for being such a bitch. He never got back to me. I AM OVER CHRIS!

Incomplete by Alanis Morissette

One day, I'll find relief
I'll be arrived and I'll be a friend to my friends
Who know how to be friends

One day, I'll be at peace
I?ll be enlightened and I'll be married
With children and maybe adopt

One day, I will be healed
I will gather my wounds
Forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

One day, my mind will retreat
And I'll know God
And I'll be constantly one with her
Night, dusk and day

One day, I'll be secure
Like the women I see
On their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding, ever expanding
Ever adventurous and torturous
But never done

One day, I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art

One day, I will be faith filled
I'll be trusting and spacious
Authentic and grounded and whole

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

Merry Christmas bloggers!

Did your heart break a little when I wouldn't kiss you? Is that why you are ignoring me?

If I died today would it break his heart? Would he even notice I wasn't in his world anymore?

Today was a great day. Only now that I'm alone I feel like crying and that I'm alone in the world. Like this feeling will never end.

So i saw him today and my heart skipped a bit. did his?

He's coming home today!

The time has come! I can't wait! He's flight comes in at 1055 today and I can't wait to see him sunday... I'd love to see him before then but who knows

my life as a mormon

i have been mormon my whole life. and i grew up with values and morals that i know have saved me from doing stupid things. yes i have done a lot of things that i regret but they have brought me to where i am today. even if that isn't the best i could be. growing up going to church every sunday having christ in my life gave me the best childhood i could have had. it wasn't until puberty that i started with my cycle in depression. i love being mormon, and i hope to one day marry a strong mormon man who can help strengthen my faith through out my life. yes there i have had times where i wish i wasn't raised the way i was so that i could do things and not feel guilty about it. But in the end, my faith is what has kept me alive. Yes the church looks down on people who self injure but they done shun or turn them away. I have always felt welcome and loved. things about the church i have come to learn from experience, people suck, go to church for christ... not his people

So tonight would totally be a night where I carve the crap out of my legs and I would do it deep too, not because it was a bad day but because I know my body wants it and could stand it today. Somedays it can handle different depths it all bepends on what it wants. Yes it sounds weird that my skin tells me when and what it wants it but that's how it happens.

the marks on her arms will dry.. but they will haunt for eternity

I wish Happiness came as easily as breathing because if breathing came as easily as happiness i would have died a long time ago

Things I don't want for Christmas..... Anything foam, anything to do with painting, anything "as seen on tv", a scarf, anything knit or crochet.

The other night at a church thing I was standing in a group of friends talking about how one lady was going to be going in for carple tunnle surgery again and she was joking about how people are gonna think she tried to kill herself and she was joking about how if she wanted to kill herself she would have gone down not across. The entire time I was quiet and noticed my one friend who knew about my cutting and could tell she was just about as uncomfortable as me but never said anything. Then today she apologized for the conversation. It wasn't too bad.

When ur around I'm not numb anymore

So last nights dream spoke to me. It wasn't totally clear. I admit it was almost a sex dream but it never got that far. I was on a school campus with friends and a guy who I'm not sure who it was, but I knew he was a close friend. But what happened was he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, and layed me on the bed. He told me he wanted a baby but I told him I just wanted to lay down. So instead of having sex we lay there in each others arms.
I guess subconsciously I knew he wasn't the guy for me. I'm on a quest to find the guy who is. I'm going to try and find a guy who actually likes me for me and not because he wants something from me. I'm also wanting someone I can be comfortable being myself around. Someone I will want to lose weight for not have to lose weight for.

So I think that my heart is starting to change my mind. The more I think about Andrew the less I think about or even want Chris. I haven't prayed about bit yet but I will tonight. Because I know that as much as my heart wants/needs him I know that he is clueless to the whole thing. He has apparently changed not only physically but emotionally over the past 2 yrs. And I haven't. Yes emotionally I have grown so much but physically I haven't really changed and its killing me. I am 22. Yeah I know I still have life ahead of me but I don't want to live that life alone.

I don't hate you I'm just hurt that you haven't even tried

Ok so I fail. Sunday night chris text me and the next day I text him back I made it two weeks no contact

He's coming home!

So don't know how many of you know this but I'm mormon. And well my friend Andrew is coming home from his mission in 18 Days! He has been gone for 2 years and the longer he has been gone the more I miss him. We weren't super close when he was here but we talked a lot. And well now that time is ticking down my heart is racing with the fact that soon I can see him and not just write him a letter! I'm so excited!

Today I am totally crawling in my skin. I wasn't while I was at work but now that I'm with family and going to be with more family in a bit so I can just sense the stress coming. Today is a day where I don't need to break the skin I just need a little pain to drown out the itchy crawly feeling

The second he gets in the car my skin crawls and I want to scream and tear out of my body

Finish this

i am: far from who people think I am
i think: about guys that dont think about me...WAY too much
i know: who I dont want to be
i want: to find someone who completes me
i have: trust issues
i wish: being 'just friends' was easier
i hate: being cold
i miss: spending everyday with my best friend Laura
i fear: that i may never find someone who loves me as much as i love him
i feel: too many emotions at once
i hear: love at first sight can be real
i smell: fresh laundry
i crave: a hug from the perfect person
i search: the world for him
i wonder: why people have to be so mean
i regret: saying yes
i love: white roses with red tips
i ache: for someone to need me in their life
i care: too much for someone who doesn't even know i exist
i always: sensor my thoughts therefor leaving things unsaid
i am not: as naturally happy as i used to be
i believe: in miracles and love
i dance: when nobody can see me
i sing: when I am happy
i don’t always: clean my room
i fight: opening up to people
i write: my thoughts out in emails and in my journal so i dont have to burden my family
i win: at...
i lose: my mind waiting to figure out what i want to do with my life
i never: really trust myself around anyone
i confuse: friendship for love
i listen: the voices in my head far too much
i long: to feel like a disney princess at the end of the movie
i can usually be found: reading a book or drawing
i am scared: burning to death
i need: something in my life to change
i am happy about: seeing laura for the first time in about a year

I HATE people who tell me what I am feeling or what I am going through. Young and/or old people are always telling me that I'm happy, upset, angry, pms-ing, that my face is turning red. Why the hell do people do that? Its my fucking life! Stop judging me and my emotions.

Its been 87 days and I can't believe it. There have been plenty of urges but nothing has happened. Like today my skin has been screaming for the blade and yet nothing happens. I will stay string even in my dark days. I will stay strong

''What my heart wants is not necessarily what my heart can have''

it hurts

just seeing his pictures. yes he was only a friend to me but he is still the only guy to have my heart. seeing pictures on his facebook or on myspace just makes me hurt even more. so for now i deleted him as a friend. he refuses to talk to me he ignores any form of contact and it kills me... so i am going to start a change in me. everytime i think of him i will think of something i hate about him..and sooner or later it wont hurt as much... hopefully

well its been one week sense i have talked to Chris... its been hard. yeah he makes me feel like crap in so many different ways but without him as a friend i have a hole in me that has a pain that is echoing and eating away at me. Soon it will stop, wont it?

So I went to the Midnight showing of New Moon last night and it was awesome! I'm just soo ready for eclipse to be out!

So as of today I'm going to try and see how long I can go without talking to chris. I probly can't go too long but I'm gonna try. He isn't good for me. He doesn't want me as much as I want him to. Its never gonna happen. I can keep telling myself that until I believe it

Happiness

I think I'm scared of being happy because if I'm happy I can get hurt and I don't do well when I hurt. Life seems to want to stop and one of these times it will.

So today my heart has been hurting for my past present and future. I have been emotional and mean but I have been sensoring myself a lot less and actually speaking my mind a little more, not completely but more. It was a quiet friday the 13th for me worked in the morning and I'm gonna hang with some friends later on tonight. We r going to see the new movie 2012. It looks amazing plus I love John Cussack he is amazing.

Today I hate everyone. everything anyone does gets on my nerves and sends rage through my skin and I don't know who I want to hurt more, me or them. I can't help it.

Today is not a day I like myself. I look at my body and I ask myself what guy would want me? With over a thousand visible scars all over ugh and yet its an addiction for me and I know more is to come.Plus this week my bra metal underwire snapped early in the day while I was at work and couldn't do a thing about it, and my breast is all cut up and sensitive.

Trippin on a hole in a paper heart

"With as much creativity as you can muster, show your heart in: a picture, a poem, a song (or piece of music), a phrase (or quote), an item of clothing, a place, and (just for fun) a Disney princess. If you want to join in, DO!"


1.Show my Heart in a Picture




2. Show My Heart in a Poem

Broken hearts are never healed. They haunt us for a lifetime even if we find someone else. Our past teaches us lessons that make us more aware and more human. Why then do we feel so hurt knowing it can only get better?

3. Show My Heart in a Song

Three Days Grace - World So Cold


I never thought I'd feel this.
Guilty and unbroken down inside.
Living with myself, nothing but lies.

I always thought I'd make it,
but never knew I'd let it get so bad,
living with myself is all I have.

I feel numb,
I can't come to life,
I feel like I'm frozen in time!

Living in a world so cold,wasting away!
Living in a shell with no soul, since you've gone away!
Living in a world so cold, counting the days!
Since you've gone away,
you've gone away!

Do you ever feel me?
Do you ever look deep down inside,
staring at yourself, paralyzed?

I feel numb,
I can't come to life,
I feel like I'm frozen in time!

Living in a world so cold, wasting away!
Living in a shell with no soul, since you've gone away!
Living in a world so cold, counting the days!
Since you've gone away,
you've gone away,from me!

I'm to young, (I'm to young),
to lose my soul!
I'm to young, (I'm to young),
to feel this world!
So long, (so long),
I'm left behind.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Do you ever feel me,
do you ever look deep down inside,
staring at your life, paralyzed?

Living in a world so cold, wasting away!
Living in a shell with no soul, since you've gone away!
Living in a world so cold, counting the days!
Since you've gone away,
you've gone away, from me!

I'm to young, (I'm to young).
I'm to young, (I'm to young).


4. Show My Heart in a Quote

“Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.”
Bernice Johnson Reagon quotes

5. Show My Heart in an item of Clothing




6. Show My Heart in a Place




7. Show my Heart in a Disney Princess



"Thumbelina: I wish I had wings.
Prince Cornelius: Maybe someday you will."

It has been 51 days without cutting

I hate that when I found out my aunt died you were the one person I wanted to see or talk to and you ignored me. I hate that when I'm sad all I want to do is talk to you and you would rather be out with your friends. I hate that your the kind of guy who will make a plan and then never talk about it again and I'm stupid enough to think that you would actually follow through with it. I hate that no matter how mad I am at you that I never want to give you up when I never even had you to begin with because your my best friend and I'm just another clingy girl that you rarely hang out with

To chris

"You fill me with passion, hate, excitement, fear, joy.. All at once. When I'm around you sometimes its hard for me to breath I am so filled with different emotions. And don't take it the wrong way. It terrifies me because I don't know what that means.. I haven't ever felt that before and scares me a little"This is what I would say to him if I ever had the guts to do it

My aunt died this morning. She has been fighting cancer for the last few months and fading more and more each day this week. My parents actually left for their house last sunday and got home last night. Tomorow they are going back to spend some time with my uncle. I'm gonna miss her a lot she was an amazing woman

Douche

Ok so haha surprise surprise Chris never showed up Tuesday to go to the movies. In fact he hasn't returned any texts or IMs sense last Wednesday when he made the plan. And I know he is ignoring me because he has responded to my sisters texts. But seriously why even attempt an apology if you don't plan on following through with it?! Seriously! Ugh! What the hell!

The Apology

This morning when I woke up I got 7 texts from Chris 6 saying "my bad" and one saying "So I've decided I'm going to sleep all weekend... O.o" so I pretty much yelled at him about that night and asked what happened or how drunk he was. He replied that he wasn't drunk just that in the last 5 days he has gotten like 8 hours of sleep. And that for an apology he wanted to take me to go see a movie. He wants to take me to see Zombieland. I asked when and he suggested Tuesday at 630. And of course I said yes. Now I wait to see if he actually follows through with it.

Ugh what is wrong with me?

Ok so tonight... ugh tonight it was the prefect rain. The kind where 5 seconds in it and you get soaked. So chris and I were talking and I mentioned the rain. So he mentioned that it was a good time for a walk. So I said yes. 20 minutes after said time to meet he comes running down the street to meet me. And of course I am already soaked but he offers me his coat to keep dry pay no matter that my clothes are already wet. But yeah, we walk back past his house where he decides to go get a jacket but first he unlocks his car for me to wait in. Instead of just letting me inside.his house while he is there. Ugh. Anyway. I wait in the car for about 10 minutes and he comes out with no coat.. He hands me his zune and tells me to pick a song. We listen to music for about 15 minutes till he decides that he needs a coat so he goes back in his house and 5 minutes later he comes back with a fleece jacket. I ask where his real coat is and he claims the ghosts are hiding them. Right then I should have noticed something was off. But anyway. Out of nowhere he asks me what I expect out of the books we are both in. Right away I'm confused so I ask what he means. His reply is that "by this time girls are usually tackling him to the ground and things happen". Seriously that what he said. So I think a bit and decide to say that I am only interested in hanging out . He snaps back something along the lines of "figures" while I am surfing through his songs more he starts to say something and stops mid sentence. I look over and at first I think he is faking, but after a few minutes I shove him and nothing happens. HE BLACKED OUT! I haven't ever seen him black out before and according to his friends he only blacks out when he drinks A LOT! So I figure the first time he went in the house he went and drank a bunch on top of what he had been drinking before we started to hang out. After attempting to wake him up 3 more times, I take off his coat leave it on the passenger seat and get out of the car. I didn't even turn off his car. I just walked away. Once I got home I sent him a text telling him what happened about how I tried to wake him but nothing happened. I hope that when he wakes up his car is dead and he is late for work. I feel this way because this is not the first guy to pass out on me while hanging out. A few years ago after school I went and hung out with a guy and he passed out while we were watching a movie. I tried to wake him and when I couldn't I pushed him off me and walked to my moms work and waited till she got off work to take me home. I didn't hear from that guy till 1030 that night when his mother woke him up. Ugh why does this happen to me? UGH!

Its been 25 days since I last cut. And I'm doing ok. Haven't had the urge to even pick up a razor.

Today I went for a 3 mile walk with a friend and I feel great! Haven't walked that much in a long time.

Got a werid text today

So I turned my phone on today and it said I had a picture message so I went into my inbox and nothing was on top. So I scrolled down and at the bottom I had a new one with nothing but the date... it was strange because it said the text was from dec 31 1969. Crazy

So today was my birthday and to tel the truth it wasn't that bad. It could have been much worse. Breakfast went good, I only got a few weird things from my dad haha. And thanks for the birthday wishes you guys! You rock

So today is my 22nd birthday. I'm supposed to go out to breakfast with the family. I hate birthdays. They are filled with awkward opening of gifts you don't want and having to pretend you like being around people. I don't know I am just not looking forward to today

4 days without cuttingWeight: 218.4 pounds - ugh

102 days

Well sorry you guys. Today was a horrible day.I can't even discuss it. I ended up vomiting from the stress and in the end I cut. I went 102 days being cut free and that streak has ended. I cut my stomach 8 times tonight. The stress got to me and addiction came creeping out.

Its sad when you don't want to stay awake but you don't want to go to sleep because either life makes you miserable

To those who comment

Hey comments are always welcome even if they are somewhat negative. It just means someone cares enough to comment. Speak your mind and never feel sorry about it. I love hearing what your guys have to say

So whenever I meet someone else who cuts, I get kinda weird. Its like I search for scars and see how bad they are. And if they aren't as big or as bad as mine I feel better about myself for the moment. Its horrible, I know. Its just something I have notices. I love scars and seeing them on other people just adds something to the thrill of it

Its been 100 days sense I last cut myself. I'm honestly amazed I made it. It started out with a bet and I actually did it, but now that the 100 days are up, who knows what could happen. I have a vacation in 2 weeks and plan on wearing a swim suit. So hopefully I can make it so I don't have to worry about open wounds in the lake.But anyway, 100 day woo!

Losing the weight this week is deffinatly a good thing. I weight 220 lbs and have been working at it for a while. My problem is that I love food! Lol. I have had my body my whole life and I still don't understand my metabolism. It changes constantly.

Down 2.2 lbs this week. Officially at the lowest I have been in a while

I am so damn sick of my mother Because ever sense I dyed my hair she has been going off about how if I want to look like this someone else should have me as their daughter. Every time I'm around her she looks at me and talks about a different person who should be my mother It seems like She thinks she is joking, but it just hurts and getting on my nerves I have been crawling in my skin

painting

this is what i have done to my bedroom door sofar

i Dyed my hair black yesterday. and my mom totally hated me for the day. she is still a little upset but she is starting to like it. on top of cutting the ten inches off, the dying it just kinda set her off. at one point she actually told me that maybe i should call sherry my mom because all her kids have black hair. she didn't like it because i was black enough on the inside without having black hair. oh well... she is getting used to it and i love it.

I cut 10 inches off my hair today! Monday I'm dying my hair too! It is soo time for a big change!

Its been 82 days

I'm painting again.. Somehow my lonely boring live is too stressful and all I want to cut. So instead I paint

change is good

i needed a change in my life so i decided to paint. not just on canvas either, i needed a big project. so I have been painting my bedroom door this week. mainly around dusk so i can stand to be outside lol. it has been plain hot pink for a few years not and i am ready for a change.i kept the pink on one side so it would still match my room, but on the outside of the door is Silver and black with pink hand prints sprayed into it. the other side has painted flowers and spirals. i havent finished it yet, but when i do im gonna post a pic of it.

this week has been the hottest week of my live, and i dont mean sexually. the lowest it has been at my house was 85 degrees at night. i have been uncomfortable and sweaty. i even passed out one day after i puked from the heat. it was horrible. i have been sleeping with my windows open for what seems like forever and even with that and the fan going doesnt seem to help. i am used to it raining every day, thats what i love about living in the seattle area. i NEED rain!yes i enjoy the sun every once and a while but seriously. 75 degrees would be great!

Its been 65 days

I picked up my razor today and I was a little confused by my emotions. I grabbed it and felt the need to cut, drop it, the feeling of the blade running across my skin, and the feel of the blood being drawn from my wounds. I didn't know if I hated the feeling or liked it. Its all too confusing for me. I didn't cut, I put it back. And as much as my skin screams for the blade I am going to try and fight it as long as I can.

I Wish a night with the girls would mean a night where I am comfortable in my skin

Ranting

So today was hell. Eli had her pre op appointment this morning, and he mother was supposed to be there. An hour before the appointment she called and asked if we could bring her because she asked her sister and she apparently refused totake her. But me and my sister refuse to be around her. So of course she got pissed at us and started screaming and swareing at my mother and threatening to call the hospital and lock us out of the appointment and to take Eli back. We were listeing to what was being screamed through the phone and were like Hey bitch, you can't take her. If you even show up and atempt to take her we can call the cops." Because our contract with her is that if she even attempts to contact or remove eli from us, we call the cops. So when we got to the hospital we told them the situation and had security come with us just incase. I left after 20b minutes so mom could stay and be around amber. And when I came after the appointment, I was talking to my mom and apparently amber showed her fake happy and ignored everything that had happened earlier in the morning. but yeah. She is psycho, to think that she would do something like this a week before the trial to see if she has changed enough to get her kids back.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Went and saw HP6 last night, it was amazing! I felt so bad for draco! And made me love him even more! Can't wait for the next 2 movies!

It has been 58 days since I last cut. Yay me!

Emergency room visits

We have my x-best friends 2 yr old living with us for the last month. And in this last month we have gone to the emergency room 9 times. She has what is called rectal prolapse where her rectum comes oyut after a bowel movement. It doesn't happen every time thank god, but it has been happening a lot more. We have gone to the valley emergency room 3 times and childrens 6 times. Tonight is trip number ten and we r going all the way back to childrens. Childrens is an hour away, and doing that more than twice a week is killing our gas tank and our wallets.She is usually the happiest kid and is always giggling. But when her issues flaire she is lethargic and miserable, its heart breaking. The doctors just want us to wait it out to see if she will grow out of the problem but we have no idea when that will be so they are talking about surgery, but are pretty much refusing to do it. And that pisses us off. We are sick of having this miserable child.

My Brother

I love my brother. he is amazing.we found out this week that he and his wife are having a baby girl. the name the have chosen is Clementine Agnes. i love it! that name is fun! the rest of my family thinks it kinda weird and old lady-ish, but i think its perfect. SO anyway. he sent me a text today that really touched me. he said " Did you make it to the specialist yet? If its a $ issue, let me know and ill give you some cash. you're gonna be an aunty so take care of yourself" i just thought it was super cute and thoughtful. i talked to him for a bit afterward, and then one of his friends later and she was talking about how he was telling her how worried he was about me and my heart problems and not to mention my depression.
growing up my brother was hardly ever around. he is ten yrs older than me and was out of the house before i was a teenager. he was always the kind loving brother that would pick us up from school if we were sick, but wasn't really the kind of brother that would just come hang out. he still isn't, but he is getting better at it. once he got married our relationship got better. tho i must say i hang out with his wife more than i do him. they are perfect for each other. they bicker a lot kinda like our parents and grandparents but they totally love each other, and i totally love him. i couldnt ask for a better brother.

I find it strange that when a person walks out of your life, you spend years wondering what it would be like to have them with you again. But then once they come back into your life everything changes. You panic that they won't call then they say they will, and when they do call you panic because your worried they will make plans and if they do make plans, they will be too intense or too unexpected. He is in town for 2 weeks and wants to see me, I want to see him.. I do.. Its just he has been out of my life for so long I don't know what to expect. God! I hate relationships! And the lack there of! Ugh!

I miss being able to talk to someone. So much I want to cry. First I talked to brandon, then chris, then chris, then steve. Now I have no one. I feel I will be alone forever and I will be trapt in my head for all eternity. I lost my best firend 2 weeks ago, and my true best friend is moving to the other side of the continent in 5 days. I'm alone in my life right now. I want to cry all the time. My heart is broken not from love but the lack of even friendship. I try to tell my mother things but it never comes out right and she always ends up judging me

I fell like crying today. My family is always forgetting about me.

So I'm going to see my cardiologist tomorrow, things have been calming down but still acting weird if you know what I mean. But anyway, I will update after I see the doctor. Hope everyone had a good weekend!

I am crawling in my skin today, everything makes me want to scream and tear my skin open

Postsecret

So before I made my appointment with my cardiologist, I had been having a few chest pains and wasn't really complaining about it because that's what I do, I conceal my pain, I have for years. But over the last few weeks the pains have been getting worse. But also so has our money issue. Its getting to the point right now where we are skipping payments to buy food and gas. And I was talking to my mom about how I can't get called off work this week or I can't pay for the phone bill, or the car payment or the doctors appointment. She could tell this was and is bothering me to the point of tears because only my dad and I have jobs right now and my sister covers for me when I am at my second job. So tonight even tho my mom has been noticing the pains I get, I told her that I would have to cancel my appointment because we can't afford it right now. Of course I said most of this crying. Its just way stressful. And the only thing she said to me was that she would pay half of my doctors fee. I didn't know what to say, id rather her pay a bill than help pay for me.

I can't stop thinking about cutting myself up. Visual bruises can be covered with make up. But down to the core, its all bruises.~ Bruises, Majanda Delfino

Ugh mother

The word cut isn't used in our house. Atleast not sense my mother has been paranoid about me like the other day my sister and I were in the bathroom and I was cutting her hair. When my mom knocked on the door I told her we were cutting but before I could say the hair part she freaked out and said there shouldn't be any cutting in our house. Whatever she's a freak. I haven't cut in a few weeks, she aggravates me

Il Divo concert

Went to the Il Divo concert tonight. It was AMAZING! Lol I swear my sister and I were the youngest people in the audience. But seriously it had to be one of the best concerts I have been to

Just because my mother knows I have scars and cuts on my legs doesn't mean I want her to see them. Tonight she just burst into my room after knocking once. Luckily I had time to grab a pillow and cover them. Got she is getting paranoid. She is on constant watch of if I have any new cuts

So I got an appointment with my cardiologist finally, but the appointment isn't until the 22nd of June. I'm just to keep track of what happens, what causes and the intensity of the pain or strange feeling. Ugh. Sofar its happened every day

So today was my sisters birthday and we went to my best friends house to watch a movie. My best friend was a total bitch. I didn't even want to go to her house. I seriously hate her every second I am with her

My Heart sucks

My heart has been acting weird today. Not even emotionally. Literally. I know I have mentioned it befor but for those who don't know, I have a heart problem, and I am used to the every once and a while palipetations(sp?) But I have had the weird flutter and pounding almost all day and it has been making me light headed and tired. Its weird. Now I'm gonna have to make another doctors appointment. Ugh!

I carved a star into my inner right thigh tonight. Wasn't the smartest place to cut, but oh well

When it comes down to it, scratching does nothing for me. I have to use something awesome enough to draw blood

Had a bad day yesterday. i almost cut again. i to to the point of getting the blade but stopped because just holding the razor seemed to make me feel better

I still can't quite convince myself that anyone has ever loved me enough to be sorry when I was gone

My scars are my favorite tattoos

Sometimes my best friend is too much of a whore to hang out with. She never changed her life when she changed religions and it pisses me off

I like this, it says so much

I found this quote online the other day, I like it. We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them.  We say we love trees, yet we cut them down.  And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.  ~Author Unknown

Thinkin

I did a lot of thinking today. If I do things I did or was willing to do when I was younger I may in fact kill myself this time. If I let the depression get to my like it has eaten away at my soul for the past few years. I say I'm willing to do things again or even take it farther. But honestly, if I do I know I may end up hating myself again. Yes I have needs and pleasures but when it comes down to it, I panic. I have the fear I won't be able to stop. Stop myself, or stop the guy. That terrifies me. It almost pulls me into full-on panic mode. Even now, just thinking about it makes me slightly hyperventalate.

I wore short sleeves today and my sister stared at my arms and said "well I can tell your right handed".

feelings

I still have pretty mixed feelings about last night. things and emotions are just flowing through me. Because even if i do like Steve, the feelings i have for Chris are much stronger and more vast. Seeing him last night... seeing him anytime makes me remember everything i like about him. even if he is a total ass at times. Some days i hate myself for liking/loving him. knowing he doesn't feel the same way, what if i had asked Chris out instead of Steve? i enjoy Steve's company, but honestly i think i would have felt, not only safer, but i think i would have enjoyed myself more. i just wish i was the person who would ask how chis felt about me going on a date with Steve, Even more i wish Chris was the kind of person who would tell me how he felt if i did ask

Update

So tonight was my date. It was a good time. We went and saw Wolverine: origins, which I must say was awesome! When that was over we went out into the crowd and somehow found chris and his pose. Which was kinda awkward because chris didn't acknowledge me until they were leaving. She was getting hungry, so we decided to go to dinner. We went to some chinese restaurant down the street. The restaurant was nice, we were 2 of the only 3 customers. From there we returned to the theater and saw Star Trek. That movie was amazing! About 3/4 the way through the movie he put his are around me, so not wanting anything to be awkward I leaned into him. He caressed my inner arm just touching my breast. His other hand was tangled in mine, mainly so I could keep track of it. When the movie ended around 1:45am we walked back to the car and he asked what I wanted to do next. I told him home, cause I was tired. And I was tired, but I also didn't want anything to happen. In the car he caressed my leg and held my hand. I was super tired, so I didn't mind that he did that. But then a little bit later he asked me if I was nervous about something happening. I told him no, but in my head I was saying other things. We pulled into my driveway and he handed me my leftover chinese food. I said thanks and again not wanting to make it awkward I leaned in and pecked him on the lips. Not making out. As I walked up the drive, he sped away. About 5 minutes after I got home he sent me a text saying he had fun tonight. Huh. Did I? I'm not really even sure what I thought about tonights actions

So tomorrow I have a date with the guy who pretty much molested me when I was 16. The thing is, I have always been friends with him and got along with him. I just am curious as to what will go on. Ugh. I will post after it.

I don't hate him for having a girlfriend, I hate myself for never having a chance with him. I can't help but think of the many chances to make my move but was too effing worried about messing up our friendship to do anything. Dammit!

Some times I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have any scars inside or out

So last night I went on a walk with Chris and Steve, and today I talked with amber about it. Here's the convo.
A: So how was the walk?
S: awesome!
A: Cool. Late night what did you guys go do?
S: we went to the lake for a few hours, the around midnight we went back to his house and had strawberry shortcake. I also got to see arrogant drunk Chris
A: So is he an ass to u when he is drunk?
S: not to me, just everyone else
A: Oh nice...wo how do u feel about him now?
S: well at the end of the night when we got to my house he apologized for being such an ass to me so I guess he is on my like list again, but not the love list.
A: Let's just hope that he continues to realize his ways...
S: seriously! I told him he had been being a total ass and it hurt
A: Good. I had to have a talk like that with Rafael too and he did the same thing and apologized for treating me like his personal punching bag and so I will give him another chance to see if he can treat me good because he says he likes me and still wants to date me and we all know I still care so I will give him 1 more chance so hopefully these boys will start realizing what they have before us girls get fed up and leave them behind and move on for good.
S: Lame!
A: Whats lame?
S: that you are giving him another chance! I thought you were over him
A: Maybe not but I do still love him and with things being cleaner by me living on my own again he can't pin anything on my drama so we will see if he and I still can get along and if so maybe consider dating someday but I don't know where it will go. He says I am what he wants...so time will tell if he is full of it or not
S: ugh whatever
A: So u don't think it will work out...did he say something or just your gut
S: just my gut, but over the past few months he has been saying stuff that seems like he doesn't want you
A: Oh like what
S: he has just been staying that has has just been wanting you to get over him not that he likes you.
A: Well I don't know. I mean I do not see that side of him he tells u stuff he doesn't tell me but then says things to me that make it seem like he still cares so now I'm really confused
S:what ever happened to you saying I'm over him, he doesn't want what I want so I don't want him.
A: I don't know
A: Well look at Chris, is he really what you want? He drinks and is a jerk to you sometimes but you still like him. Its the same with Rafael I really care about him and thought that he still cared for me....but you make me think that he really doesn't
S: Chris is what I want, he knows it, I just know that he doesn't want me, and I'm ok with being just friends
A: So he told u he is not interested?
A: And I want Rafael I just want the Rafael from when I lived in Issaquah and think that if I am on my own again it will help
S: no he never talks about it.
A: So maybe u r what he wants...
S: I doubt it
A: Why don't you think so?
S: he never seems like it, sure he is always checking to make sure I'm safe or warm, but he never seems like he likes me that way
A: I think he likes u but is just kinda weird about it... but I have never hung out with the 2 of you
S:I don't know, he's difficult to read
A: Well u might just have to flat out ask him S: I can yell at him all I want but I can't ask him that
A: Oh does he just ignore the question like u never said it
S: No, I just haven't ever asked him, its like I'm not capable to ask it
A: Yea I know that feeling but might make things easier
S: I don't know, its just weird for me
A: Yea me too it is hard but u might need to test the waters
S: Yeah. I have asked Steve if he knew anything, but he said he can't even get Chris to answer it
A: Oh yikes
S: Yeah its hard
A: Has he actually dated someone officially?
S: He dated Kay for like 3 years
A: Oh how long ago did they break up
S: Its been like a year or a maybe a little longer

Ugh chris

He had my heart in his hands and all he did was drop it and walk away. Leaving it there wishing it were dead, he didn't even crush it to leave me a reason for the pain I feel

My heart

My heart has so many empty spaces I can't bring myself to empty it even more. The more I'm around those people, the more I remember why I love having them in my life, no matter how much pain they cause me.

Dreams

Dreams are the doorway to living out things that might never happen in real life. They are the canvas for the imagination

I cut today, only four cuts, but it helped, not a lot just enough. I lasted almost 2 months without cutting, oh well

Post its

I have this thing with post its lately, they are all over my room

Some night i just want to cry. I look at my friends lives and just wonder how they get the lives they live. its almost the reason I think that I push myself away from them. Im a cold hearted bitch with cold water running through my veins, or so someone once said. I dont really want to be this way, but its what life has done to me. I push away happiness, I have for years. Its my glitch. There are a few guys I would love to love, or even like enough to get me some what close to happy, but for some reason I cant do it.

my body

My family knows what I can do to my body, they just dont know the extent of what I have done to my body.

My scars

When I die they can ID my body from my scars

I see my scars as beautiful, not as a punishment of what I have done.

I cut to feel anything

Its cold tonight. Its one of those nights where nothing seems to keep me warm. Today was another day where I begin to sabotage my happiness because of my inability to accept that someone could love me. There's a guy who everytime I talk to him, pretty much declares his love for me, but I can accept him because he used to go out with my best friend, and because due to my morals he doesn't fit my guidelines. But what if me not giving him a chance leads to me losing a chance at love? And what about steve? Do I give him a chance even tho deep down the past will always be there eating at me, not to mention he is my friends brother.why is it all the men in my life have to be difficult?

To you who points the finger

Ok so for those people who NEVER read comments, you would/should know that I never claimed that I wrote the previous post, I mentioned that I saw it as a poem and added a line or two. I didn't get it from your page I got it from a friends page. So if your gona blame some one don't fucking blame me. I never claimed to have written it. Sorry if I did hurt anyone, it was never intended to. That means you camille.

Things I hate about you

I Hate the way I could never hate you.
I hate the way you looked at me.
I hate the way I fell for you.
I hate the way your hand felt in mine.
I hate the way you made me feel.
I hate the way you touched me.
I hate the way we talked.
I hate the nights I cried.
I hate the way you lied to me.
I hate the times we fought.
I hate the way we always made up.
I hate the way I was never good enough.
I hate the way it was always her.
I hate the way I was never yours.
I hate the times we were together.
I hate the times we werent.
I hate the way you made me laugh.
I hate the way your lips felt on mine.
I hate the way you said you loved her.
I hate the way you said you loved me.
I hate everything about you...
But most of all, I hate that I still love you.
But I know that I dont want you any more

Random days

So the other night he IMed me randomly at 330am and strangely I was up. But anyway, he just put it out there that he wished he had someone he could wander off and make out with. It was very random, sure he was totally drunk at the time, but still, it confused me. I didn't bring it up to him the next day because he hardly ever remembers his drunken tyraides. But still, it means something doesn't it? Huh. Who knows

So its said that if you can't tell the truth to the people you care about the most, eventually you stop being able to tell the truth to yourself. I guess that's one of my main issues. Its not that I mean to lie about how I feel, its just that I still haven't been able to put it into a verbal account. Journals and blogs, that's my outlet, and I can't bring myself to even letting my family and friends read them. So for now, my thoughts go out to you. Thanks for listening. ~Sam

Although I feel for her, I can't let myself become her

twilight

ok so i know its totally spastic, but i am super excited about the Twilight Dvd coming out this weekend!

Oh well

So I haven't written in a while. I ended up cutting last Wednesday, on my calf. It isn't as bad as many of my other wounds, but its still cuts. I cut three times, and let the blood dry on my skin, it felt interesting. I also switched out my box cutter in my purse with a plain razor blade I keep in a small pocket. I also keep razors hidden around the house and in my room, I don't always use them, but they are there if I need them, kinda a form of comfort.

Mar. 3rd 09 convo between amber and chris

Amber: Dude this is amber I'm with sam why are you such an ass to her she just wants to hang out with her why does it always have to be a PENIS night why can't you for once grow a pair of balls and be a nice guy and just hang out with the girl you like and that likes you why is that so hard

Chris: I am not that kind of a guy.

Amber: OBVIOUSLY so then don't tell sam you will hang out and make plans just to leave her hanging and hoping for something that will never happen let her be happy and if you can't be a friend then tell her that and let her move on cause I know she likes you and what you are doing this game is bs

Chris: Firstly i never said i would do anything. Period.

Amber: You asked her what she was doing today to ANY girl that makes it seems as though you want to hang out. You clearly don't like samantha as a friend

Chris: No i wanted to know. Has nothing to do with what i could do

Amber: So why do you say that you will go on walks and go hang out at your house and then ! when she takes you up on the offer you suddenly would rather hang out with the boys?

Amber: No payson told her to go over one time sorry I left that out but you do say you will go on walks and then never follow through you are such a lame dude I mean you are either interested in being her friend or your not seriously don't you care if you she is happy let her be happy shes a great person but you can't see that because you never give her the time of day

Chris: I do she just makes up extra shit i never said

Amber: What do you mean? what does she "make up"

Chris: Wtf! I have no idea

Amber: Well you can't say she says things you never said that implies that she is putting words in your mouth but REGARDLESS do you want her as a friend in your life?

Chris: I want her as a friend but she always says i did commit but i never did

Amber: She just wants some time with you is it so hard for you to just give her time once a week or every other week she just wants you to treat her the same way as you treat your guy friends

Chris: Wow

Amber: Wow what?

Chris: Not getting a god damn thing im saying

Amber: I get it she says things that you dont think you said but do you ever really hang out with her

Sick

This week I had a sick week. Last tuesday I was beginning to get body aches and a fever of 101.1 and throughout the week my fever peaked at 104.1. I went 4 days without eating and only got up to get water and to pee. I'm still kinda sick, but hey its better than before, and I don't have a fever anymore.

Adele says things my heart cant

So I got the Adele cd this week, and wow her music explains my love live so well. So here are the lyrics to her song Tired

Hold my hand While you cut me down It had only just begun But now it's over now And your In the heat of moments With your heart Playing up cold I'm between the middle Watching hastiness unfold In my eyes Your were smiling In the spotlight dancing With the night The night fell Off your mind I'm tired of trying Your teasing ain't enough Fed up of biding your time When i don't get nothing back And for and for and for When i don't get nothing back Boy, I'm tired Where'd you go When you stay behind I looked up and inside down And outside only to find A double taking punching hard And laughing at my smile I get closer you Obviously prefer her Chorus: I'm tired of trying Your teasing ain't enough Fed up of biding your time When i don't get nothing back And for and for and for When i don't get nothing back Boy, I'm tired of trying Your teasing ain't enough Fed up of biding your time When i don't get nothing back And for and for and for When i don't get nothing back Boy, i'm tired (I should have known) Never mind said Your open arms I couldn't help Believe the trick me Back into them (Chorus)

Its late

Its late. I'm not tired, and all I really want to do is cry. For no reason either. I randomly have the un-wielding urge to ball my eyes out. I talked to Chris today and he pissed me off. We faught the dumbest stuff too. He has told me that he has thursday and friday off so we should go walking one of those days. But today when I asked him which day he told me he didn't think he knew when we could because his friends made plans for him. And that if he got back early enough from what he will be doing he might want to walk. So as it stands, as much as it pains me to know it, we probably won't go on our walk he has promised me. just like always he chooses his friends over me. I don't understand him, he says he wants to spend time with me but never follows through, and the day I flake he is a total jerk. I hate how much I like him.

I EFFED UP

So I'm pretty sure I just screwed my chances with Chris. Today was a frustrating milestone. I don't remember how it came up, but Chris asked me what draws people to him. I told him it was because he has the ability to make people love him. So of course he asked how he did that because he thought he sucked. So I told him its a love/hate thing. That of course made him ask what the love thing was, so I told him it was his hands, height, hair, the fact that he was very random, his eyes, he's a guys, he makes me feel special, and the way it feels when he holds my hand. He then asked if I wanted to go for a walk tonight. I asked how cold it was outside because I was cold enough. He didn't quite know but was willing to bring sub zero gear if I needed it. I still said no. So he said something that got me thinking. He said "to be fair id make you warm. But if that's not good enough what should I do?" so I said something about being cold already and not feeling up to it. He said "your problem is your cold? Ill make anything the way you want it trust me" I told him it was honestly very tempting but I was just gonna stay in and watch a movie. He told me he just got the movie Taken and I could come watch it. I told him I couldn't cause I have to get up early and asked what he was up to tomorrow night after 10 30. He said "hopefully I will be around :(. I have plans with my ex after work... unless I get better plans." I told him I worked from 3 45 to10. I would love to make plans if I could but I'm gonna be working. He ignored me after that. I told amber what I said and did. God I'm an idiot. I just know I messed thing up.

Random convo with my sister

	VID00029.mpeg

Health update

So Sunday I woke up perfectly fine, but at the end of the day I had noticed that my back had begun to hurt in the area of my kidneys but just thought nothing of it. Monday it still hurt but it was bearable to an extent. But Tuesday it seemed like things got worse. The pain was getting worse and it hurt to sit, breath, or pretty much move. Wednesday and Thursday were the same if not worse, and my mom started to pay attention to my pains. I have a very high pain tolerance, and I never complain when I am hurt. I never have. But these last few days I have been, and that's what worries my mother. So today at 1030am we headed to the doctor. And first off I couldn't see my regular doctor, instead I saw a man. He had me walk on my heels and on my toes, and then bend over and tell him when it hurt. He then pressed my back and told me to say when or if it hurt. They had me pee in a cup but other than my white cells being up a little, everything was fine. He told me I "must" have pulled a muscle and its just getting worse. He then just told me to take tylonol or aleve to take care of the pain. Then sent me home.

I was mean

So today while babysitting I was just plain mean. I don't know why tho. All they wanted to do was sit with me or play with me and everything they did bothered me to the point of where it hurt me. So I pushed them away or moved away, I even yelled. its a possibility that I will cut today

Its been a while

So I haven't cut in over a week. Yay me! I have been feeling very numb lately. And its been like my body hates me. I have been having joint aches, back aches, stomach aches, and head aches. Its like I can never be comfortable, not even in my own body.

+ 27 = 517

I needed to talk today and steve didn't want to hear a thing. He was "too tired". I just needed to talk, about anything really, but he said no and hung up. I cried again, and the went for a razor. I cut 27 times. Sinse augest of 07, I have cut my body 517 times. God how sick is that. Steve text me last night and told me he cut himself, for the first time. And when he told me my heart sank, I didn't want him to slip into the same trap I had fallen into so many years ago. It hurt.

Death becomes her

So last night I met up with friends and even though he promised, chris didn't show again. It wasn't until a few hours later did he contact me. He said he fell asleep and had just woken up. I yelled at him asking when we could hang out and have him not flake. He made plans for tonight, specific plans. And yet here it is an hour after said time and nothing. God why do I do this. I actually cried. When not wanting to feel, I popped a few codine and grabbed me razor. I died a little tonight.

Conversations with men

So I talked with steve today. He was telling me about he a few years ago he had a thing for me. So I asked when and he told me 5 yrs. That was around the time I stayed at his house that night. And wow that explains a lot. So then we got to talking about our love lives and how lame they are. And even though he knows how much I like his best friend, he still hints to us getting together sometime. So now I'm sitting here questioning do I wait for my chance with chris or do I fulfill pleasure with steve?

Bloodletting

So I just finished the book BloodLetting: a memoir of secrets, self-harm and survival by Victoria Leatham. It was amazing. She found words I couldn't and it actually helped me realize a few emotions and feeling that I normally can't express. You should read it.

is it bad?

OK so i have been thinking a lot, and i honestly don't know how bad the bad is about my cutting. i mean, just a small run across the skin doesn't count for me, it has to be deep and bleed a good amount before i can move on to the next. am i the only one who does that? or do most people just have one quick shallow cut and make that count? if I'm gonna cut it has to count and that's why my scars are so big, i cut sometimes so deep it doesn't even really bleed. i know that's bad, but i cant help it, if "fixes" me in a way.strange and dangerous.. i know.
Also, over the years i have considered myself pretty good at hiding the fact that i am a cutter, and i got the courage to talk to one of my friends about it the other night and he told me that most of my friends have known for years but haven't ever really spoken about it. Why not? hasn't anyone seen how much pain i have been in? haven't they ever wondered if i needed to talk? why wouldn't anyone push my buttons and get me to talk? i mean seriously, i know i could have started it, but they could have at least showed concern. I'm not saying it would have changed anything, but what if it had. would i be better?

My survival box

I do have one. Its pretty full. I dont have one to protect me from the government, its one to help me survive. It has saline, gauze, tape, lemon juice, knives, razors, a box cutter, hair spray and a dentist pick.

Happy New Year!

I spent it with my friends. Just hope next year is better