3 am

It's 3 am and I woke up from a dream that almost had me in tears and wanting to throw up. I was getting harassing mail from a company I have repeatedly told I want to unsubscribe to. I still have thy sick feeling and it's like my body refuses to go back to sleep. Ugh! I just want to feel better about everything.

urges

I totally have the urge to take a lighter so my hair. I feel the need to just do something destructive.

Love

Last night I had a night that made me enjoy life for a few hours. I got to spend. With my best friend and her husband. On our way home from our evening she was telling me about a night she had spent with her daughter. She had been sitting in the living room reading when her daughter came in feeling glum and sat next to her. She could tell there was something wrong and had the overwhelming feeling that she needed to say something. So she leaned over, kissed her on the head and said "one day a boy is going to love you the way your father loves me" and her daughter burst into tears. They then continued to talk and unload for the next few hours. I can only hope/strive to have someone love me the way she and her husband love each other. It breaks my heart to think of a life without that kind of love.

Update-ish

I hate/love that I have been doing this to myself for the last decade, will it get better or worse as life goes on? from what I hear it gets better for most but I honestly don't think I am part of the "most" in this case. In the last 6 yrs alone life has been one crisis after another driving me deeper into my hole of a life.

The other day after work and a few other stress inducing things I went to my room and hurt myself. Only I didn't cut, and it didn't hurt. I took my moms Pumas stone/foot grater and attacked my calve and the top of one of my hands. It felt amazing, a new release I haven't felt in a while, not even from cutting. It was strange in a way.

Tonight I have plans to get out of the house without my family. I need it soo much, lately if I'm not at home I'm at work or babysitting. Even on downtime I feel overwhelmed and stressed. Even my family makes me want to scream and crawl out of my skin.

Lately I have also been dealing with harassing phone calls from a company who claims i owe them for things i never ordered or even agreed to. its so bad they even call my sister somehow. I sent in a report claiming i never agreed or even wanted anything from them nor did i accept anything from them so i refuse to do anything with them. but they keep calling.

ugh as if i wasnt stressed enough with work now this has me nauseous and stressed constantly.