Feeling very anxious

Today is an off day. Anxiety is thrumming through my body and I am actively focusing on not crying. I'm not really sure what sparked it either, it's been a really good day. Nothing anxiety or depression worthy. Just out of the blue sadness and overwhelming emotions. Ugh.

Crippling Anxiety

I woke up today with nausea and within minutes I began crying. No real reason. I couldn't face the day. It was impossible to get out of bed. Then I started thinking about work knowing we are short handed and the anxiety of knowing I would most likely be alone or working with some random sub and that made the anxiety overwhelm me. I finally stopped crying, got up, got partially dressed and started sobbing again. I couldn't do it so I called in to work. I couldn't control myself. I told them my situation and they understood what was going on and just asked me to call in around noon and hopefully come in around 1 to help close. The sobbing continued for a good 30 more minutes. And I am finally calmed down. I do have a major headache now. I may take a nap.

They cut my hours

So my paycheck will be less than 75 hours this week and although I am the only one in the building who hasn't reached over time by alot I was forced to leave work a half hour early today. I came home crying because I know I will barely be able to make rent because of it. if they try to send me home early tomorrow or even the rest of the week my boss and I will be having words. So I will definitely be crying at work tomorrow. Not looking forward to that.

Work rant

This week at work has been a rough one. Dealing with children is my forte, the grown ups are the ones I have a problem with. Especially families who think I can only watch their kid and not the other 16  kids in the class. Yes they have never had a 4yr old before but after numerous conferences and conversations talking about the same crap over and over again I finally snapped and went off on a parent. What he called "an incident" we call everyday life of a 4yr old. Children who play will get scrapes and bruises. Helicopter parents are the bane of my existence. Luckily I went to my boss before the parent came in to talk to her but now here comes another damn conference...ugh.. at least my boss will be there.

Children yes/no

So our entire relationship we have agreed NO CHILDREN I firmly still believe it, but lately he has been bringing up the idea of kids . In his mind me saying no kids meant no kids while I work in childcare. At his parents house they have a walk of pictures of the three kids and under both his sisters they have pictures of their kids. There is nothing around his and I made comment that his will be left blank and he gave me an odd look and said that it's no babies for right now... He is convinced I will change my mind. He doesn't get it. I don't want to have babies. I never want to be pregnant. I know I won't like being a mom. I don't believe people can be happy being a parent.

F my life right now

so I have been super frustrated lately with work and my home like. work has been a bitch, it's been crazy busy because they over filled my classroom and keep taking out my partner and giving me random people. I hate it. and we'll life in general hasn't been terrible it's just that B doesn't do much around the house. I do the dishes. I do the cleaning. I take out the garbage and do the laundry. It's basically like he doesn't even see the mess in front of him and get defensive when I ask him to clean up after himself. We went a got a new vacuum recently because his broke somehow and I have only been able to clean using the hose. Well we got a robot vacuum and while I can't seem to connect it to my phone I let it run today and it worked great! This may be the best thing yet lol one less chore for me to do.

The Happiest Place on Earth

About two weeks ago B and I went on my first real vacation. My first flight ever. It was fun and exciting to see the land from so high up. We went to Disneyland for five days. It started out stressful but turned out perfect. We saw all of our favorite characters and rode all the rides we could. We ate the Disney food and even got sick from a few rides. We took all the pictures, ended up with over 400. On the 27th we waited in line for almost an hour to see Chinese New Year Minnie and Mickey. When we finally get to see them we took pictures when B asked for one more. I turned to see him down on one knee. I honestly didn't see it coming. It was so sweet. The ring is 3 gems in the shape of a Mickey mouse head. It's beautiful and a starter ring and I love it. The best part is we got pictures of the whole thing.

While I am so excited that it has happened I still feel more or less empty inside. I'm happy but so sad I cry almost every day. I don't understand my own emotions. My mood swings have been erratic and B has been so patient with me. People are expecting me to know exactly what I want my wedding to be like when really I thought I had ideas but now I'm questioning all of those ideas. I know I would like it in front of a barn but not sure if it's what I want too. We haven't even set a date. We just said it would be a year or two out.