Friends

Ok so here's my problem. I babysit for a friend almost every tuesady. And the thing is that we haven't really been friends since she got pregnant. I just haven't been gutsy enough to tell her I don't really feel like we are friends. We have nothing in common with eachother anymore, and to me it seems like she is only my friend so she can use me as a babysitter. She bugs the hell out of me and assumes I want to spent the entire day with her instead of living my life the way I want. She is always signing me up to do things with her, and I am sick of it. Everytime I come up with an excuse not to hang out she comes up with a way around it, and I can't think of another way out. Every week I get sick trying to tell her a way out of it. But never, I never get out of it.I just don't have the heart to tell her I want to end our friendship.

Dad

Ugh I honestly can't stand dad today. Everything he does makes me want to rip his head off.I know its just me and my isues, but really. He is always pointing out the obvious and doesn't listen to a word I say. I don't know what to do about either, cause even when I was in therapy it didn't help me get over my hatred towards him. I don't know why it goes on. Its kinds annoying.

Shoulders on fire

So today I chose a new spot for cutting. I added 43 new cuts combined . I only did it in a spot where most of my sleeves will cover it. It just hurts, but in a good way

Lately...

Life has been a bad trip. I haven't been taking my med like I should be. Mainly because I never remember to take them. I haven't cut or anything, I have just been really emotional and crazy. Not cool fatal attraction crazy, but crazy crazy. Like I see things. Not like dead people or anything. I see bugs. I see them everywhere, and it don't really announce that I see them, but lately its kinda been bad these days with me seeing real bugs. Now its hard for me to know if they are the real ones or not. I even had a spider crawl on me the other day, and I wigged out! I guess I am just crazy.

Another bad day in my body.

I need help again but know it can't happen because we can't afford it. I hate geting poor. Why can't life be different? Why can't I have a family who doesn't yell at me all the time? Why can't I have a brother who loves me? why can't I be smarter? Skinnier? Self confidential? Happy? Healthy? I wish it would just end. When is the light gonna shine? When will I be happy again? Truly happy. Probably never. And that's why life sucks. I hate it, I hate my family, I hate my friends. How can you take a life without destroying a world? How can you make someone so happy that they can love you for you? How do you find someone to do that? What do do you have to do to get someone to love you forever? How do you get them to accept you for who you are with all your habits and scars and mental issues? This I may never know.

Life its not just a cereal

Body:
1) What's a fact about the last person you were on the phone with? She's my momma
2) Do you ever turn your cell phone off? never, unless its dead.
3) What happened at 10:00 am today? sleep :) I love sleep
4) When did you last cry? Like last week I think, I randomly get emotional
5) What is your favorite thing to eat?um... I would say orange chicken from panda express.
6) What do you want in your life right now? The man of my dreams. He is perfect in my eyes, no matter what people say.
7) Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood? if i have a hood I will wear it
8) Do you wear Crocs? not really, that's ashley's thing
9) What do you smell like? Pink and shampoo
10) What's your favorite Gatorade flavor? I would have to say glacier blue
11) Whats your favorite thing to have on your bed? Pillows, lots of them
12) What's the nicest text in your inbox say? I love you!
13) Do you tend to make relationships complicated? no I don't think so
14) Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone? No
15) What was the last movie you went to see? Street kings. Mmm keanu :)
16) Do you have Justin Timberlake music on your iPod? Like two songs yes
17) Do you like your hair? Some days
18) Can you sleep in jeans? yeah
19) Are you a cuddler? most definitely, I love it
20) Something you just don't understand? life in general
21) Where were you on July 4th, 2007? Wow, not too sure on that
22) What's something interesting that happened to you today? Woke up around 1 30
23) What's the last concert you went to? Three Days Grace. They rock my world!
24) Who was the last person you talked to on instant messegner? Chris
25) What is the last thing you bought someone? Mothers day card for mom
27) Do you trust people easily? No, I have trust issues
28) Do you say "dawg"? Lol heck no
29) What are you proud of? Nothing I can think of
30) Have you ever dated someone named Derrick? No
31) Who was last to cook for you? Someone at frankies. :)
32) When you sleep do you dream about heroin addictions? i have weirdly enough
33) Do you care what others think about you? to an extent
34) Do you think you'll be married in 10 years? happily married hopefully.
35) Will you ever hug the last person you hugged again? yes, they are family
36) What do you look forward to in the next 3 months? Ash come home!

RIP

Its sad when people you know, became people you knew... And when you can walk right past someone that at one point in your life was a big part of your life... And how you used to be able to talk to them for hours about the little nothings in life... and now you can barely look at them.... It's funny how many people have posted this. Guess we're all in the same boat, missing someone.. be honest...if you really miss someone, a friend, a lover, or a family member right now...& can't get them off your mind.

The future

Today I started thinking about my scars and my body. Thinking about how I will explain it to my husband, how much I hate my body. How addicted I am to blades, blood and pain. My weird addiction I have for pain. Not too much pain, but just the joy it brings. If that makes sense. I enjoy bringing a weird sense of pain on myself. Whether it is burning cutting or even picking at scabs as sick as that sounds. And then I start to think, how will I talk to my kids about it? But still I do it anyway.

Well this sucks

So I have ben writing my novel for almost two years now, and somehow I have lost the latest full version on a disk somewhere. Strangely enought, I found the beginning part on one computer, and another part on another computer. What sucks is that I am missing one important chapter and can't complete the story without it. And of course I don't have the rought copy either so I am stuck until it is found. Lame.