Jul 26, 2009

Its been 65 days

I picked up my razor today and I was a little confused by my emotions. I grabbed it and felt the need to cut, drop it, the feeling of the blade running across my skin, and the feel of the blood being drawn from my wounds. I didn't know if I hated the feeling or liked it. Its all too confusing for me. I didn't cut, I put it back. And as much as my skin screams for the blade I am going to try and fight it as long as I can.

Jul 18, 2009

I Wish a night with the girls would mean a night where I am comfortable in my skin

Jul 17, 2009

Ranting

So today was hell. Eli had her pre op appointment this morning, and he mother was supposed to be there. An hour before the appointment she called and asked if we could bring her because she asked her sister and she apparently refused totake her. But me and my sister refuse to be around her. So of course she got pissed at us and started screaming and swareing at my mother and threatening to call the hospital and lock us out of the appointment and to take Eli back. We were listeing to what was being screamed through the phone and were like Hey bitch, you can't take her. If you even show up and atempt to take her we can call the cops." Because our contract with her is that if she even attempts to contact or remove eli from us, we call the cops. So when we got to the hospital we told them the situation and had security come with us just incase. I left after 20b minutes so mom could stay and be around amber. And when I came after the appointment, I was talking to my mom and apparently amber showed her fake happy and ignored everything that had happened earlier in the morning. but yeah. She is psycho, to think that she would do something like this a week before the trial to see if she has changed enough to get her kids back.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Went and saw HP6 last night, it was amazing! I felt so bad for draco! And made me love him even more! Can't wait for the next 2 movies!
It has been 58 days since I last cut. Yay me!

Jul 13, 2009

Emergency room visits

We have my x-best friends 2 yr old living with us for the last month. And in this last month we have gone to the emergency room 9 times. She has what is called rectal prolapse where her rectum comes oyut after a bowel movement. It doesn't happen every time thank god, but it has been happening a lot more. We have gone to the valley emergency room 3 times and childrens 6 times. Tonight is trip number ten and we r going all the way back to childrens. Childrens is an hour away, and doing that more than twice a week is killing our gas tank and our wallets.She is usually the happiest kid and is always giggling. But when her issues flaire she is lethargic and miserable, its heart breaking. The doctors just want us to wait it out to see if she will grow out of the problem but we have no idea when that will be so they are talking about surgery, but are pretty much refusing to do it. And that pisses us off. We are sick of having this miserable child.

Jul 1, 2009

My Brother

I love my brother. he is amazing.we found out this week that he and his wife are having a baby girl. the name the have chosen is Clementine Agnes. i love it! that name is fun! the rest of my family thinks it kinda weird and old lady-ish, but i think its perfect. SO anyway. he sent me a text today that really touched me. he said " Did you make it to the specialist yet? If its a $ issue, let me know and ill give you some cash. you're gonna be an aunty so take care of yourself" i just thought it was super cute and thoughtful. i talked to him for a bit afterward, and then one of his friends later and she was talking about how he was telling her how worried he was about me and my heart problems and not to mention my depression.
growing up my brother was hardly ever around. he is ten yrs older than me and was out of the house before i was a teenager. he was always the kind loving brother that would pick us up from school if we were sick, but wasn't really the kind of brother that would just come hang out. he still isn't, but he is getting better at it. once he got married our relationship got better. tho i must say i hang out with his wife more than i do him. they are perfect for each other. they bicker a lot kinda like our parents and grandparents but they totally love each other, and i totally love him. i couldnt ask for a better brother.