I'm not myself

I'm not my self today. Something is off and I'm not quite sure what. I feel like I am not in there, like I left the shadow of myself to linger until I return. This whole quarentine covid 19 thing is taking its toll on my soul and on my body. Any glimmer of hope or dim light at the end of the long tunnel just seams to get getting further and further awat and I'm not sure I can keep up at this point. B thinks I'm stronger than I am and it's hard seeing him see me struggle and not meet the standards I have set myself. I want to go back to work. I want to go back to normal. I want to be able to buy a house and not panic about not being able to afford it. It's been almost 8 months without a real place to live and call our own. 8 months too long.

my soul

Today my soul feels so empty I could vomit and cry. Been on the edge of tears all day

Easter Sunday

Today has been a teary. First he blamed me for being mean to him and poking him in the eye which I know I didn't do especially not on purpose. I had just woken up.  Then he continues to talk about it still blaming me for hurting him. Which I still claim I didn't do and left the room because being home everyday is reaking havoc on my body and my anxiety. So I went into the living room, came back for my book to find him on his phone in the dark. I asked why he was in the dark and he just started telling about how much I have pissed him off today (it's not even 11am). At that moment I just gave up. Not wanting to cry in front of him, voice quivering I said I love you and closed the door behind me. 

my depression and anxiety

What does my anxiety and depression f

eel like??? Tightness in chest, Paranoia, constant crying knowing I could stay in bed and sleep all day but knowing better that if I don't go to work some idiot will teach my class So i cry all the way to work. It's waking up and completely hyperventilating while sobbing uncontrollably. It's constantly needing a hug but said hug brings the tears. Ita a fit of rage that ripples to multiple unsuspecting people, who happen to be in my wake. It's being numb and not caring enough to brush my hair for days on end and then ripping the knots out instead of brushing it out. It's playing videogames instead of doing homework. 

Day of tears

I cried today. ALOT. Stress from school paired with my anxiety and life crap have been weighing me down. I cried in the car on the way to work and through my entire call with my teacher and a little I front of the kids at work too. And then on my break and again on my lunch then again on my way home. I was asked multiple times today if I was "ok". And I couldn't say yes. My answer was "no not really but I'm here" my eyes were brimmed with tears all day.