Thinkin

I did a lot of thinking today. If I do things I did or was willing to do when I was younger I may in fact kill myself this time. If I let the depression get to my like it has eaten away at my soul for the past few years. I say I'm willing to do things again or even take it farther. But honestly, if I do I know I may end up hating myself again. Yes I have needs and pleasures but when it comes down to it, I panic. I have the fear I won't be able to stop. Stop myself, or stop the guy. That terrifies me. It almost pulls me into full-on panic mode. Even now, just thinking about it makes me slightly hyperventalate.