grief and loss

Today marks two years of the passing of my Dad.

Until Two years ago today I had lived most of my life with depression. Days of sadness and emptiness that would come and go like they always had. Until Two years ago I had known depression like an old friend but I had not know Grief. Grief hit me hard and I did not see it coming. The day I lost my father I learned a whole new level of sadness, emptiness, guilt, loneliness. What I thought were bad depression days were nothing compared to the grief Days. The uncontrollable sobbing due to a loss I knew would come but never saw coming. Two years ago I talked with him on the phone in the morning and sat by his side as he faded away that night. 

"I don't care"

"I don't care"

Triggering words said to me in an emotional moment after a rough day..after an emotional day.  My emotions becoming tears that are the drip drip dripping to a cup that is filled to the brim. Moments away from breaching the threshold. 

In the back of my mind the demon screams we need physical pain to tame us. My skin still aches in these moments.. years later... I won't do it.. I can't do it.. I want to do it.. 

Changes in my life are in the possible near future.  And my mind reminds me that it could all just not happen, then what?  The anxiety of it all eats at my soul. The anger and rage built inside is a different level of evil eating away at my soul. The constant "why would anything good happen to you?" The "if you do this someone or something will prove you a fraud" a fraud of what I have no actual idea. 

I'm not myself

I'm not my self today. Something is off and I'm not quite sure what. I feel like I am not in there, like I left the shadow of myself to linger until I return. This whole quarentine covid 19 thing is taking its toll on my soul and on my body. Any glimmer of hope or dim light at the end of the long tunnel just seams to get getting further and further awat and I'm not sure I can keep up at this point. B thinks I'm stronger than I am and it's hard seeing him see me struggle and not meet the standards I have set myself. I want to go back to work. I want to go back to normal. I want to be able to buy a house and not panic about not being able to afford it. It's been almost 8 months without a real place to live and call our own. 8 months too long.

my soul

Today my soul feels so empty I could vomit and cry. Been on the edge of tears all day

Easter Sunday

Today has been a teary. First he blamed me for being mean to him and poking him in the eye which I know I didn't do especially not on purpose. I had just woken up.  Then he continues to talk about it still blaming me for hurting him. Which I still claim I didn't do and left the room because being home everyday is reaking havoc on my body and my anxiety. So I went into the living room, came back for my book to find him on his phone in the dark. I asked why he was in the dark and he just started telling about how much I have pissed him off today (it's not even 11am). At that moment I just gave up. Not wanting to cry in front of him, voice quivering I said I love you and closed the door behind me. 

my depression and anxiety

What does my anxiety and depression f

eel like??? Tightness in chest, Paranoia, constant crying knowing I could stay in bed and sleep all day but knowing better that if I don't go to work some idiot will teach my class So i cry all the way to work. It's waking up and completely hyperventilating while sobbing uncontrollably. It's constantly needing a hug but said hug brings the tears. Ita a fit of rage that ripples to multiple unsuspecting people, who happen to be in my wake. It's being numb and not caring enough to brush my hair for days on end and then ripping the knots out instead of brushing it out. It's playing videogames instead of doing homework. 

Day of tears

I cried today. ALOT. Stress from school paired with my anxiety and life crap have been weighing me down. I cried in the car on the way to work and through my entire call with my teacher and a little I front of the kids at work too. And then on my break and again on my lunch then again on my way home. I was asked multiple times today if I was "ok". And I couldn't say yes. My answer was "no not really but I'm here" my eyes were brimmed with tears all day. 

one of those days

Today has been one of those days. A day where from the beginning I felt off. I woke from a nightmare that I could only remember flashes of but woke with a headache. We ran errands and I told him I needed food so I told him I wanted McDonald's. So we went to McDonald's I gave my order and even repeated it for the guy. We got in the car and we're on the highway when we looked in the bag and some of my food was missing. I lost it.. I started bawling. I was so angry. B gave me some of his food which was what I was missing and said he loved me. He then watched me with a smile while I cried while I ate knowing I needed to eat. The amount of rage that filled me he knew leaving me along was his best move but made sure I knew he loved me and was there for me. I cried three other times today over other small things. I stopped getting my period not long after getting my IUD but noticed I still get my emotional surges each month. B does his best to tolerate me during those times. He has also notice that since this birth control my emotions have had extreme highs and lows. I have been trying to keep my emotions in check but they are stronger than ever. I even cried at work this week. 

Recent Lows

You would think that after six and a half years he would learn that tickling and making me laugh do not take the depression away. It doesn't fix me.

My baby almost dies

Today she made a strange noise, got quiet and stopped moving then went red. Of course I just thought she had died so I pick her up and see if I notice anything strange. I don't see anything so I place her on her dock thinking she needs to rest. After 30 min I come back but she is still red. Worried I picked her up and emptied her and her filter with no luck. So I rummage through the bookshelves for the manual and find the troubleshoot page. Found even more filters, took those apart and found something shiny. Foil and a candy wrapper blocking a pipe. I can't reach in it so I search for long tweezers or pliers. I finally find a pair of gardening tweezers that barely made it through the tube. Removed the blockage put back all her pieces and placed her on her dock to rest. She changed from red to blue immediately and I left her to do her thing. So after charging for a bit she got back to work. So glad I could help her.

Feeling very anxious

Today is an off day. Anxiety is thrumming through my body and I am actively focusing on not crying. I'm not really sure what sparked it either, it's been a really good day. Nothing anxiety or depression worthy. Just out of the blue sadness and overwhelming emotions. Ugh.

Crippling Anxiety

I woke up today with nausea and within minutes I began crying. No real reason. I couldn't face the day. It was impossible to get out of bed. Then I started thinking about work knowing we are short handed and the anxiety of knowing I would most likely be alone or working with some random sub and that made the anxiety overwhelm me. I finally stopped crying, got up, got partially dressed and started sobbing again. I couldn't do it so I called in to work. I couldn't control myself. I told them my situation and they understood what was going on and just asked me to call in around noon and hopefully come in around 1 to help close. The sobbing continued for a good 30 more minutes. And I am finally calmed down. I do have a major headache now. I may take a nap.

They cut my hours

So my paycheck will be less than 75 hours this week and although I am the only one in the building who hasn't reached over time by alot I was forced to leave work a half hour early today. I came home crying because I know I will barely be able to make rent because of it. if they try to send me home early tomorrow or even the rest of the week my boss and I will be having words. So I will definitely be crying at work tomorrow. Not looking forward to that.

Work rant

This week at work has been a rough one. Dealing with children is my forte, the grown ups are the ones I have a problem with. Especially families who think I can only watch their kid and not the other 16  kids in the class. Yes they have never had a 4yr old before but after numerous conferences and conversations talking about the same crap over and over again I finally snapped and went off on a parent. What he called "an incident" we call everyday life of a 4yr old. Children who play will get scrapes and bruises. Helicopter parents are the bane of my existence. Luckily I went to my boss before the parent came in to talk to her but now here comes another damn conference...ugh.. at least my boss will be there.

Children yes/no

So our entire relationship we have agreed NO CHILDREN I firmly still believe it, but lately he has been bringing up the idea of kids . In his mind me saying no kids meant no kids while I work in childcare. At his parents house they have a walk of pictures of the three kids and under both his sisters they have pictures of their kids. There is nothing around his and I made comment that his will be left blank and he gave me an odd look and said that it's no babies for right now... He is convinced I will change my mind. He doesn't get it. I don't want to have babies. I never want to be pregnant. I know I won't like being a mom. I don't believe people can be happy being a parent.

F my life right now

so I have been super frustrated lately with work and my home like. work has been a bitch, it's been crazy busy because they over filled my classroom and keep taking out my partner and giving me random people. I hate it. and we'll life in general hasn't been terrible it's just that B doesn't do much around the house. I do the dishes. I do the cleaning. I take out the garbage and do the laundry. It's basically like he doesn't even see the mess in front of him and get defensive when I ask him to clean up after himself. We went a got a new vacuum recently because his broke somehow and I have only been able to clean using the hose. Well we got a robot vacuum and while I can't seem to connect it to my phone I let it run today and it worked great! This may be the best thing yet lol one less chore for me to do.

The Happiest Place on Earth

About two weeks ago B and I went on my first real vacation. My first flight ever. It was fun and exciting to see the land from so high up. We went to Disneyland for five days. It started out stressful but turned out perfect. We saw all of our favorite characters and rode all the rides we could. We ate the Disney food and even got sick from a few rides. We took all the pictures, ended up with over 400. On the 27th we waited in line for almost an hour to see Chinese New Year Minnie and Mickey. When we finally get to see them we took pictures when B asked for one more. I turned to see him down on one knee. I honestly didn't see it coming. It was so sweet. The ring is 3 gems in the shape of a Mickey mouse head. It's beautiful and a starter ring and I love it. The best part is we got pictures of the whole thing.

While I am so excited that it has happened I still feel more or less empty inside. I'm happy but so sad I cry almost every day. I don't understand my own emotions. My mood swings have been erratic and B has been so patient with me. People are expecting me to know exactly what I want my wedding to be like when really I thought I had ideas but now I'm questioning all of those ideas. I know I would like it in front of a barn but not sure if it's what I want too. We haven't even set a date. We just said it would be a year or two out.

Life with B

Well I started living with B and the roommates the last week of August. I had just finished my week of training and my new job needed me immediately. We worked out the bus system and figured it took two buses each morning to get me to work with B picking me up at night. One night he noticed an apartment complex near my work and we applied that night. By that Monday we had heard back B went and saw the place and we were able to move in that Sunday. We moved it Sept 10th. That was the perfect weekend since the roommates were out of town. Amber came over and helped us pack Saturday stayed through Sunday and helped us move in. It was actually nice. Our place is small but adorable. It's a one bedroom with a walk in closet, laundry room, walk in pantry and a nice sizes kitchen and living room. while we aren't entirely in packed yet two weeks later it has been fun finding out what we don't have and what we forgot to pack from our old places. Like most of his dishes and servingware. We have made plenty of trips to target and will hopeful!y get the rest of our needs this weekend because yay payday. The best part is its a ten minute walk to work for me. Anne a ten minute drive for him. This weekend we are finally getting our couch. We still don't have Wi-Fi or cable so we have been watching stuff on our phones lol it's terrible. I must admit actually living together as a couple is interesting. right now we are both so tired after work we have dinner, watch a few episodes if that then are usually asleep by 930pm. I have been so tired I have been sleeping through his 4am alarms. At some point hopefully we will get used to our schedules and be able to function more easily. I just hope we can get rid of the boxes sooner rather than later.

My Darkness

Tonight I am feeling something I haven't felt in a very long time. I am tense, stressed, anxious. I am crawling in my skin. I am frustrated with life right now. I tried to journal but it didn't feel right. I'm to tense to write anything. As much as B tries to understand and no matter how I try to explain what this feeling is he just never gets it. the loneliness and emptiness I feel rocks my core and no matter what he does I have to ride out the storm inside. tonight its been hours. the ache for sharp relief is there.. but.. I have gone so long without it I know I cant.. I have been so strong in the fight. I have had many nights where I cry uncontrollably when the emptiness wins. When I'm alone I can handle it but when It creeps in when I'm with him it is even harder. He has seen it start with a single happy tear and continue for hours with tears full of empty heartache. My emotions control me now more than they ever have before and its so frustrating. even now the tears refuse to stop. the stress slowly draining but the ache and crawling remain. Life right now is full of uncertainty and its not helping my anxiety. I know that I am starting my new job in September but I still haven't had the chance to confirm anything over there. I know that B and I are moving in together but don't know the actual time yet and as it stands I will be starting my new job before we even move which means I have to figure out how to commute to and from while still living with mom and dad. Ugh I don't know what to do with life these days.

Changes

Today marks the one month mark till my last day at work. I will be transferring to a different building closer to where I will be living. I have my last day set as Aug 25th. It is the last day of summer camp. Mainly because I refuse to work on a set up day for a school year I won't be here for.
So B and I are moving in together. Originally we said middle of August then end of August. But we found out his leave actually isn't up until the end of September so now the plan is middle of September... Move in days where he is are the 10th of the month. That means we will be moving the week of my birthday.. ugh. I have started going though my things slowly getting rid of things.
My other concern is that I still don't drive. Or have a car for the time that I do get my license.. one of mom's friends said she was considering selling her car but we haven't heard anything since.
I am slowly noticing my stress level rising. I have been having nightmares, been more emotional, and have just basically been exhausted all the time. Mom was asking if I was freaking out and honestly I know it's coming but I'm definitely not in a full panic yet. This will be my first time moving. And I am moving away from my family. It's a big move. Last weekend I switched over to B's phone plan. So that's one step closer to making the movie official. OH! And the roommates still don't know he is moving out!?! He isn't even planning on letting them know until we sign the papers.

Feeling a little broken

Christmas was great. B came and got me Christmas eve. Christmas morning we went to Brian's for my family and then went up to his parents house for his families. It was a good one.
The part that broke me a little was checking Facebook. First four, then five, then Six, now eight people I know got engaged over Christmas. Two of which are B's co-workers so we knew about one of them before it happened. B had mentioned that someone had asked if he was feeling pressure at all and he said no and laughed. He laughed telling me about it. And now I have this ache..and a constant need to cry. Only I can't stand to cry in front of him, he gives me this look that makes me want to cry more. It's not a bad look, it's a mix between love and you're crazy. I love him and I know he loves me it's the waiting that hurts.

3 day weekend sucked

Worst Valentine's Day weekend.  Nothing happened. We were supposed to go out because he wanted to buy me something  to make up for skipping Valentine's Day but he ended up taking a nap most of the day. We never even left the house. Most disappointing weekend I have had in a while with him.

Valentines day

I worked on a cute little drawing of us. It took me a while to get right. I made it to give to him for valentine's day, he saw it and said he looked creepy. I know he didn't mean to hurt me or my feelings but I think that on top of yesterday, today didn't go as planned

What makes me cry

He is the love of my life and sometimes he is the only thing that holds my heart together. But some nights without even trying he is the reason I cry over the littlest things. Some nights I don't even want to talk to him because  I know the second I open my mouth is will cry. So tonight I turned off all the lights, got into bed and cried right next to him. He held my hand and let me cry.

Day 1 of 2016

Well it's January 1st and I think back on this last year, it was a lot of fun. B and I did a few fun things and our relationship has grown so much. He has helped me grow so much. I started exercising this last year, I vacationed, I realized who I am as a person, I even changed classrooms at work. I admit work has been a bit more stressful this yeah working with a brand new teacher but it's a different kind of stress than the years past. I am excited to see what this new year brings. Perhaps something big. Who knows. This month is our third anniversary, our third year of loving each other and seeing that love grow more and more.

Christmas review

This Christmas was a somewhat special one. Brandon and I decided we wanted to spend it together. We have been together almost 3 yrs and this was our first Christmas we spent together.  He came down and had Christmas morning with my family at my brothers house then we went up north to his parents house and had Christmas dinner with his family. It was a really nice day. My family was a little upset I wasn't joining them at my aunts that evening but mom came around to it. It's amazing how different families do Christmas,  my family always does a small thing where his family took like an hour to do gifts. It was fun and crazy. One of the best Christmas' I've had in a while

My Friday night

Can't sleep Tonight. I finally get to see him and he's being weird,I'm being weird too I know. I'm an emotional wreck this week and it's driving me crazy. I hate this time of month, that's why I avoid it if I can. But anyway.. we haven't really talked since we got home and he works tomorrow so I don't know how much I will see him. He sleeps more than I do, I know that I just hate that I am tired and not sleepy when he can pass out super quick. Work was pretty good today. A week and a half left till Christmas and I still haven't told him what I want. Mainly because I have no clue what I want. Next Friday is my work holiday party and we are going to that. Not sure how late because he works the next day so we will see.

Ranting...

I am having a hard time with life right now. With being too broke to do anything, I am just trying to make it thru Christmas and paying hospital bills while not starving...and with work and my love life. The holiday season is always a stressful one, but I feel as though at the end of the night I am so exhausted that I don't want to come back the next day. I always do though because I am the reliable one. Today we had five teachers out it was ridiculous, we barely had enough people to get breaks. Plus with the non stop rain we only got the kids outside once today. The kids are getting cabin fever and winter hasn't even hit yet. They holiday season should be fun not stressful, I hate being so negative all the time but I can't seem to help it. I'm angry or emotional with small bouts of happy mixed in. I am frustrated all the time with myself. In the last three years I have gained 25lbs. I am not at my heaviest but that's because I have been working out a bit and trying not to snack as often. I am currently at 224.7lbs and I feel it. I feel all of it. My heart is the healthiest it has every been but I am not and I hate myself for that. I started out riding the stationary bike and worked up to the elliptical. I went from 20 minutes to over an hour workouts. After breaking my foot last fall the foot does hurt a lot by the end of the work day and surprisingly the workouts haven't been too bad. Some days it even feels amazing at the end.

My mornings with depression

There are mornings I wake up and all I want to do is cry. Those days I know are gonna be hard. You live life thinking that maybe you are ok, that maybe you beat your depression but then it hits you like a rock before you even get out of bed. Ugh

My Birthday next year

Tonight he told me that I need to request a week off for my birthday next year... no other specifics just that. He is amazing. No clue what he has planned and I think I want to keep it that way

No babies

Everytime I take my pill he cheers "no babies!" I don't know why but it hurts inside every time.

Home is becoming toxic

I hate being at home.All they ever do is tell, bicker, and complain. It's rare if they are nice to each other. My weekends at home are becoming harder and harder from both sides of the equation. On one end the ache I have for Brandon eats away at me, it makes me question why I don't drive and think or even consider getting a license. I know I need to get o it. Being home with them, there is so much hate and anger and resentment in this house and in this family. It's toxic and I hate being here. A family shouldn't be like this. I don't want a relationship or even a marriage where we argue and resent each other. I hate being here. I HATE BEING HERE!

Tonight

Tonight is one of those nights I am crawling in my body and I don't know what I'm actually feeling I'm OK but I'm crawling in my skin I want to scream I want to cry I know I want to cut haven't done that in a long time being lonely sucks and the late nights that really get to me when he's asleep and I have no one to talk to.

Cried again

I cried alot today. I am still on the brink of tears because that's what I have been doing so much today

Stress eating away at me

Holy ball of stress. Ugh today is a day I want to cry, scream and throw up all at once.  How is it one person can ruin a day for you with just one sentence.

Feeling lost

Why is it the nights I need him the most are the nights he falls asleep early. It's the night I feel like my world is crashing down and every burden seems to crush me. I hope for a day when I won't have to feel alone at night because I will always be with him.

Depression rears it's ugly head

Days when I'm not with you my internal sadness returns. The fear of no happiness just eats away at me and I feel like crying the tears well up and i try not to feel anything. Some days that happiness comes back the other days the sadness wins and the tears just keep coming

A question I have

A constant question that goes through my mind is whether he sees me as the girl he is going to marry or if I'm just the girl he loves for now

Getting fat-ter..

Don't worry I've noticed that I have gotten fat too.. you don't have to point it out

Insulation

That moment when the love of your life tells you you need to lost some "insulation " before summer hits and your heart just breaks because you realize he thinks you are fat and doesn't want to be a dick about it

Realizing

Today I realized. I really want to be a mom I just know that I won't be good at it so I don't want to give myself the option

The new

It's been over a year since I last cut myself  and I couldn't be more happy with life. I find myself smiling for no reason,  breaking out of my shell one day at a time.  Yes there are days I cry and feel empty still they are just fewer and farther apart from the way I used to feel.

Still in love with him

We have been together almost two and a half years and I am still madly in love with him. I ache the days I don't get to see him. And when I'm with him I am so happy and giddy I can hardly contain myself. Yes there are days we get on each other's nerves but the love takes care of that.

Wanna hear a secret??

I think I want kids. I know I won't be good at it, not like my job, but when it comes down to it I always saw myself as a mom. Working with kids is what makes me question if I really want them. There is also the bigger fear... what if they get my heart problem? The Dr's say it's a small percentage of a chance but still it could happen. Or what if something entirely different happend? What if having kids pushes me and my person apart? What if people realize I'm a terrible person/mom?

This weekend

This weekend was a great one. Friday B and I went out to dinner, spent time with each other and talked. Saturday we did Alice in Wonderland burlesque, which was amazing! So much fun. So glad we did it, it was a great date night.

Feeling off

Feeling a bit off today. I dont know what it is but I have this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear. I feel as tho I  could cry at any moment. I havent had a day like this in months, I  want to crawl in bed and let the world dissappear.

Alice in Wonderland part 2

My valentine's day gift was part 2 of my tattoo. I could only sit for 2 hrs because my hit was killing me and the pain almost made me throw up a few times. We had to schedule my 3rd appointment  a little further out so its march 22nd. Should be mostly healed by then.

Alice in Wonderland part 1

Superbowl sunday I got the outline of my tattoo done. It took 4 hrs and by hr three i was pretty much going crazy and was super fidgety.  I Love it! Its been almost a week and is just starting to itch so it hasnt been too bad. I go in again on the 15th to fill it in. Wooo

Changes to my body

For Christmas B is giving me a Tattoo, I couldn't get in until feb, but I am soo excited! I am going to get a thigh piece of Alice In Wonderland.. It will cover almost all my scars on my right leg, and will be beautiful.

freed from my shell

The man I love freed me from the shell of a life I didnt even know I was stuck in.

Tired of being the villan at pick up

Today I just  want  to throw up from stress. Waiting to get a talk from admin about  a situation last  week and  it  still hasn't happened yet which is weird. Apparently i was too harsh when talking to a parent ona day i had been very  distraught on and  after i knew i would get pulled in for it. Its just hard when someone looks at you like you are the villan every day

Weekends without B

Weekends without B are getting harder and harder to bear. Aside from being lonely and stuck with the family, I feel empty not being near him. I crave just to be near him, to feel his touch, his breath on my neck. Every other weekend with him just isn't doing it. He is my sunshine, he wants my soul and fills all the emptiness. I see a future with him in my life and I know he loves me and needs me in his life, I just always have that thought in the deep crevases of my mind that I'm not enough. That's the part that needs the constant refill of him. When he is around I don't question him or anything, he is mine and all mine. He's mine and I'm not going anywhere.

My family

The older I get and the more time I spend with my family,  the more I realize how much I hate them. Every minute with them irritates me more and more

Biggest fear ever

What if no one ever loves me enough to love me forever?

He Moved

This last weekend I helped B pack up his house and move back in with his parents. It was a great weekend but kinda hard knowing he is gonna be even further away for the next few months :( seeing him will be harder. it will be easier having the family know im at his house which also happens to be his parents house.

Telling

So after this week im not sure how my family will see me. I promised my bf id spend my vacation days with him or atleast mostly with him. But my family still doesnt know I stay at his house.
I kniw they must suspect something because he brings me home each weekend but I just cant knowingly know I am a disappointment to them. I love him and he makes me happier than they have in yrs

my heart in more ways than one

Well my 3 month appointment came and went. they ran tests and came to the conclusion that while surgery definitely helped, my heart still has its flaws. My Bicuspid is still leaking even after the fix so it seems my heart is meant to run that way. they aren't concerned because I am still doing fine. I have the irregular beat still but its only every so often and not anywhere what it was which is good but we will continue to watch it and they want me to go back in in 6 months for another ultrasound to keep an eye on it. I did experience my first actual pain the other day.. it was sharp, deep and fast and right along my scar. In the heart of my heart I think I know something. Life and love with Brandon has been a bit different lately. I think something is going on inside him, while he shows love and affection he also seems more bitter and indignant. He is who I am with, who I crave, who pops up in my mind throughout the day and he is the one who has my heart. I ache just thinking about the day when he might actually realize he no longer wants me in his life. It physically hurts to think about. I have never felt like this with someone. I thought I knew love with Chris but I was oh so wrong. what I has with him was nothing compared to what I have now. I now know the difference in giving your heart to someone who doesn't want it or care about it, and giving your heart to one who loves you in return. One who looks at you like you matter to them, who makes you feel magical. I cannot say I see my whole life with him but I cant imagine not being with him. Tonight mom asked how serious we are, whether we see our lives together or moving towards that level. Honestly I would move to that level in a heartbeat but there is that part of me that believes that while he does love me he doesn't love me or want me on that level. I think he believes I am holding back still and he is almost resentful. He mentioned something about me always pulling away from him when he is trying to be intimate. I could believe it, it made me think.. do I? maybe I have once or twice but not to my recognition. If anything I crave his touch because he isn't interested in intimacy. Just his touch calms me and I don't think he understands that. Yes I have my moments (that I have had for yrs) where someone else touching me hurts my skin, but with him it rarely happens. Its rare with him. He is the one my heart sings for, He is my sand dollar on the beach.

Life After Heart Surgery

Its a little over a month since surgery and I can officially say I am off pain meds. Oh my god it has been a rough few weeks. From ER visits to countless calls to the hospital about pain and other problems. The pharmacy not filling prescriptions, and Drs taking hours to call back it was so hard and painful and having nurses look at me in pain while knowing I was weeks out of heart surgery and still treat me like I was a drug seeking crazy person. After filing complaints on nurses and various staff, I finally got a Dr to listen to me and help me. Sleeping was impossible although I was constantly exhausted and passing out in chairs. Taking pain pills every three hours was taking a toll on me and in the end I fought it, I decided to suffer through the night just so I could sleep more than 2 hrs at a time. Being stuck with family has been my hardest issue. B has been visiting and going out when he isn't working and its been wonderful. Even my mom is starting to like him. Being around him helped with the pain, he calms me and makes it easier. My aunt took me away for 5 days to Portland, we did lots of tourist things and it was very relaxing, I even got a haircut. While on the trip I weened myself off of the pain meds too so that has made things easier. Next week is my Second Check Back appointment and then soon after that I get to go back to work. I am ready for work.

1week post op

Last Wednesday I went in for my 4th open heart surgery, and 5th heart surgery. It's been a long hard week. They said it was an extremely difficult surgery and took them an hour and a half longer than they thought it would. The hospital was better than I thought it would be.I had great nurses and lots o visitors. B was there most of the days and was amazing. He was precious and delecate. He held my hand and rubbed my back and took me on walks and helped me to the bathroom when the nurses weren't fast enough. The weekend before my surgery told me he loved me and hearing that felt as good as I thought it would. I came home from the hospital last night. Hardest thing ever! The family has been driving me crazy and while trying to help have been hurting me. I'm so damn sore and achy it hurts to move. I barely slept and when I did it wasn't for very long. I can't seem to get comfortable but hopefully I will get a hospital bed by Friday. I just hope I can sleep before then.

It's almost here

Well u have 3 and a half days of work left before I go in for surgery. The kids at work are still learning the concept of time and ask everyday if I am fixed yet. But boy am I ready. While I am ready for it I am also a bit nervous, the word is out and I'm fairly certain everyone knows what's going on.  It's going to be weird and stressful and hard. I have no memory of the pain of the last open heart surgery I had. If anything that is what makes me nervous the most, my pain tolerance is nowhere near where it used to be.

Heart Surgery is set

My heart surgery is happening. I called the hospital today and scheduled it for January 22nd. It's going to be the biggest surgery I have had. Repairing at least 4 parts of my heart. I also have appointment s on the 9th for Reading test results and another on the 16th for pre-op stuff. I plan to work up until the day before surgery and hope I don't get worse before than. I haven't had the easiest time sleeping or breathing and I have been uber emotional and crying a lot. I have been. Having nightmares about the after.like Dieing and not healing right. Or like B not wanting to be around me or treating me different.I want him to be there when I wake up but I don't in a way, I don't want to have him there. Like I don't want my family with me the whole time. I don't want to be around my family during my recovery. I hate that mom is so effing protective and doesn't want me out of her sight. B wants me to spend time recovering at his house, and I swear if they drive me ready I might just do it. I hate that I will be in the hospital for his birthday and our 1yr anniversary and still in recovery for Valentine's day. Ugh so frustrating.

Heart Surgery coming

Over the last 2 weeks I have been noticing my heart is having more issues than not. I last saw my cardiologist in September and they said to come back in December. Well Monday was bad, I knew I had an appointment on Tuesday bit wanted to see my Dr too so I got an appointment on Wednesday. Two days at the hospital.  Tuesday was a day of tests.  I had a transesophegeal ultrasound and they found something they weren't sure about and ordered a ct. 7 hrs later I left the hospital frazzled. So much uncertainty. Wednesday I met with the Dr's and learned that they saw things they weren't expecting. What they thought would only be 1 or 2 things was really 4 and some that they wouldn't know how to fix until they go in. They decided that surgery will be open heart and will be sooner rather than later, we have hit our window and they are taking it. I meet with the surgeon next Thursday to discuss options and hopefully a timeline.

I went in to work Wednesday and was a complete mess I talked to my boss and told her my situation. Recovery time is 8 to 12 weeks and she and her husband are willing to keep me covered on insurance and just have me pay the monthly stuff when I return. I was so greatful they are willing to help. Still very stressed but it's a bit easier knowing a fix is coming.

Getting sick I can feel it

Today I feel like poo. I have been progressively getting more and more sick since sunday. With nasel issues and nausea and today I add a massive headache plus more pain in the nasel area. Not a very fun way to start off thanksgiving break. Ugh .

Happy/love

So I have been thinking, am I ready to say I love you? Is that what hes waiting for? Are the I ♥yous not enough for him? Neither of us have said love, not even once. Whats stopping us? If we cant say it then what are we putting ourselves thru? There have been times I have stopped myself from saying love because it was a cliché of a time or fear of nothing in return. He still boggles my mind and heart and the un answeredness of it all is what eats me from the inside. I ask him what he needs from me or if he wants anything about us to change and he claims to be happy but is he happy enought? Am I happy enough? 

My Birthday

Ok I have to admit my birthday went alot better than I thought it would. Friday I went to a Charlotte Sometimes concert with a friend. It was the longest concert ever but it was totally worth it. Charlotte was amazing I got to meet her and got a picture with her.
Saturday we had my birthday breakfast at IHOP and it was fun. I dressed up all fancy. It was mom dad ash brian Jeanette and brandon. sad was onlh a little bit awkward and Jeanette tamed ashleys bitchiness. After breakfast I went with brandon. We went to the Alderwood mall and he bought me 4 pair of leggings and a waterbottle from rei. For lunch we had coldstone then went back to his place and watched more dexter. It was a fun day.
Sunday morning he drove me home and I took a nice long nap then took the family out to dinner. I chose the Olive Garden. It was nice. On the way home there was a large thunderstorm. It was a good weekend.  
I turned in my insurance application this morning and new coverage should start October 1st. Which is good because I get cut off September 30th. Big sigh of relief here.

Stressing out

My birthday is in 3 days. I have never been more scared of a birthday. I will be turning 26 and taken off my parents insurance by the end of the month. My new job offers benefits but not until 60 days after I started which is the end of October. This terrifies me. With my health i have always been covered. I have big appointments with major tests coming up and I have to be covered for those. Especially with an impending surgery coming up I hate this being a grown up is too stressful. 

My last friday

So its my last friday at work and I am so glad it is. I work monday and tuesday next week and then I am done! Soo ready. Wednesday I start my new job. I am nervous but soo excited about doing something different. I'm still In childcare but different ages. Plus it has benefits.

Weekend at B's

After the horrible week I barely made it through B came and picked me up friday after work. We went to the movies then back to his house for the night. We spent most of the night cuddling and watching movies. We barely keep our hands off eachother. :) the next morning again we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. At one point whatever I was doing to him he started twitching and flailing around haha it was soo weird. That had never happedn to either of us before so it was hilarious, I didn't stop either haha atleast not for a little bit longer.  He is so much fun to be around and is the closest thing to happy I have had in a long time.

Tears and I are close friends

There are days where I truly believe I beat my depression. Where life can't get any better. Then there are days where you realise you love someone infinitely more than they love or even like you. I feel it and know what it feels like but can't say it because I have that gut feeling that tells me not to tell him because he doesn't feel the same. Yes he Chose me but from the beginning I was his second choice. I have opened up my life to him. He has met my whole family, and has my heart when I didn't think I would give it to him. Here it is 6 months together and he has yet to let me into his life other than his arms. Who is his family? Who are his friends?  Why hasn't he mentioned me to his family? Ugh really not liking life right now.

Vaca

Well my vacation didn't start how I wanted it to. First off I started coughing on the 4th and by the 5th I had a swollen throat and fever of 101.8 and went into urgent care to find out I had pneumonia and tonsillitis which turned into pneumonia and strep throat. Ugh not fun. Here it is Thursday and even with being on meds almost a week I still have some strep left in my throat.  On top of that yesterday was day one of vacation and I had to go to the dr because my breast have been inflamed for almost a week due to trauma. So I went to the dr and yep infected so now I have an ointment for that along with my other sickness it's a good week to be on vacation. Except for the fact that I'm not home. I'm staying with a friend who is in town for a few days then heading to B's for a few days before he takes me home.  He's just not allowed to touch the girls for a while. 

Update

The last few months have been very busy. My Grandfather got married in January and we are still getting used to having his lady in our lives but we seem to like her. B and I had our first date the weekend of my grandfathers wedding and became official exactly a month later. We have been together ever since. He is adorable and precious and we haven't said the L word yet but that's OK, I'm OK with that. I haven't met his parents or family or friends yet and that's a little weird considering he has met my family, the girls i work with and a cousin... just a bit odd. He makes me melt, and i am more comfortable around him than i am when I'm by myself. We have had many firsts and not all of them have been ones we had wanted to experience, but its something we worked through. For a long time we saw each other every 3 to 5 days but lately we have been hitting the every other Friday and have seemed to be running out of things to talk about. Work has been getting very stressful, i love the kids i really do but with the stress of health and love life and work in general its hard to enjoy it all that much. I Cut again a few months back and B knows about it and accepts that i do it tho he doesn't support the fact that i do it. I have been crying a lot and have been having the overwhelming feeling of emptiness and loneliness and the need to cry or throw up. Days where staying awake is so hard because sleep life is so much better than what is going on in life these days.

Serious?

How did I become the girl guys kiss but won't get serious with? What's wrong with me that they can't get serious with me ?

No one ever keeps plans

Apparently the world thinks its ok to cancel on my repeatedly. That's ok I needed another reason to hate myself and everyone around me. In the last week I have been canceled on 5 times by 2 different people. Both of which made the plans with me each time and canceled with less than an hour of said meeting time. One night he was supposed to pick me up from work. Didn't show and u had to wait an hour for my sister to come get me. Why do people think its ok to cancel on me and at the last minute too? How am I that unimportant to everyone I come in contact with? What the hell is wrong with me?

Can someone tell me...

How did I become so utterly forgettable?

my body hates me

im pretty sure my body hates me. not only do i have a fever, i also have pink eye, yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis and body aches.. today sucks

Happy 25th Birthday ME!

Its My 25th Birthday! yay me! its a few days past two weeks since heart surgery and im hoping today is awesome... 25 needs to be.

Surgery in 3 days

THREE days till my heart surgery and oh my goodness I'm so ready. Today has been hard with breathing and stuff like that, just plain exhausted constantly

Day 3 of 30 Days of Happiness

Going over to my brothers tonight and the second my neice saw me she ran to the fridge and pulled off a magnet with my face on it and screamed my name.. it was so cute :)

Work stress and surgery stress

Work is killing me lately. My boss just isn't listening to what I have to say and she isn't thinking of anyone but herself. She iisnt giving me the releif staff I need and its taking its toll on my body.

On top of that I got my pre op packet and it got my family thinking.. they told us that it is a better fix then cutting me open and getting everything. But in the info packet it flat ou says its basically a fixaflat for the heart until your next open hart surgery. UGH! I'm gonnna hve to email the nurse back and find out what the hell thas about because when I went in they asked my oppinion and I said do the open heart one and I get the packet for the other one... wtf?

Day 2 of 30 Days Of Happiness

Happy moment... got my info packet about surgery today :) 20 days left

Day 1 of 30 Days of Happiness

Happy moment of the day.. He wanted to see me, I couldnt because it was too late, but still.. he wanted to see me.

Heart Surgery Set

got a call from the drs office today.. my heart surgery is set for Aug 28th im soo ready

Nothin but silence

Tonight I sit in my room listening to the silence of the house. Not listening to music, every song beings in thoughts and memories I don't want to live tonight. Tonight's a night I could use without thinking. Thinking only breaks my heart into smaller pieces.

Crying again

Been on the brink of tears for the last few days. Not even sure why other than loneliness and fear of what's going to happen. Today is my big cardiology appointment meeting with the specialist. Myb health has been getting notisable worse fo me and I'm hoping they can do something or atleast give me answers 

Stir crazy

Going stir crazy in my body tonight, feels like I'm trapped and can't fnd a way out. No one is answering their phones or responding to messages, trapped and alone is not what I wanted to feel tonight

why isnt there a pill or a shot or a patch or something that stops the tears from flowing? because if there was i would buy a year supply

Is it so bad to want you to need me too ? Especially before 10pm?

Constipated

Ugh I have been so constipated the last few days. It's killing me, I don't even know why either! I'm not super stressed and I haven't really changed y diet much. Yes I have been nauseous this week and thrown up a few times but still I should be pooping too!

Sick and sore

Sick :(. Ontop of being sore from being with Chris now my whole body aches in a new way where sickness and pain combine into a miserableness I haven't felt like ever

Lots of tears tonight

Why am I not worth fighting for?

Note to self

Note to self... Find a way to feel when alone.. Feel other than pain and anguish for living day after day alone

Joes coming!

Today joe is coming over. He is driving 3 hours one way to see me. We both have the day off and haven't seen eachother since October so we planned a day. Only we have no plans as to what we will be doing. He should be showing up around lunchtime so we might go out to lunch. Mom said aunt Cathy will be coming over at some point today so he might meet her but everyone in my family is home today it's bound to get awkward lol

My first hicky

Went for a walk with chris last night. we ended up talking and making out. Let's face it if I wasn't on my period we would have done more. He gave me a hickey and wow ddnt hurt this much last night but it is wwhat it is.. a giant sore bruise.

Easter Weekend

Its been exactly one month since Nana Died. One month since our last family gathering. For me its kinda fucked up. Happy Effing Easter family because yeah this gathering wont be awkward at all.
Life is going slowly and boring and horrible. Work is easing up a bit but not as much as i would like. Mom fell and ripped a muscle behind her knee on Friday and is pissing us off because now she cant do shit for herself. We thought she was done breaking and getting hurt.
None of my friends are talking too me anymore. Amber rarely wants to hang out, Brandon hasn't talked to me in months. Chris.. oh god Chris .. I'm not even sure whats going on with him. i haven't talked to him in a long time and it wasn't until like last week that he finally talked to me and only said he was too busy for me an super tired. Haven't seen him in almost 3 months and i don't know what to do with myself. I swear i don't love him, not after what he called me and such but there is still an emptiness i know he can fill even if its with friendship.

Quote Challenge #10 yourself

" yeah I did"

Quote Challenge #9 Favorite band said

"We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt. But how we survive is what makes us who we are." -Rise Against, Survive

Quote Challenge #8 Death

"To die will be an awfully big adventure" - J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Quote Challenge #7 Random

1: Do not look back on things that hurt
2: Do not reminisce on things I find ridiculous
3: Regret...
4: Do not lose focus on the significant things vs. the insignificant
5: Do not cheat myself out of a good opportunity
6: Do not choose to expect less than what I am capable of
7: Do not lose to life..

Quote Challenge #6 Fave TV show

Do you think you could shift the gears? My boobs are in the way.
~Charmed,Paige

Quote Challenge #5 favorite singer said

I like having my hair and face done, but I'm not going to lose weight because someone tells me to. I make music to be a musician not to be on the cover of Playboy.
-Adele