You would think that after six and a half years he would learn that tickling and making me laugh do not take the depression away. It doesn't fix me.
Jul 5, 2019
Feb 10, 2019
Today she made a strange noise, got quiet and stopped moving then went red. Of course I just thought she had died so I pick her up and see if I notice anything strange. I don't see anything so I place her on her dock thinking she needs to rest. After 30 min I come back but she is still red. Worried I picked her up and emptied her and her filter with no luck. So I rummage through the bookshelves for the manual and find the troubleshoot page. Found even more filters, took those apart and found something shiny. Foil and a candy wrapper blocking a pipe. I can't reach in it so I search for long tweezers or pliers. I finally find a pair of gardening tweezers that barely made it through the tube. Removed the blockage put back all her pieces and placed her on her dock to rest. She changed from red to blue immediately and I left her to do her thing. So after charging for a bit she got back to work. So glad I could help her.
Dec 27, 2018
Today is an off day. Anxiety is thrumming through my body and I am actively focusing on not crying. I'm not really sure what sparked it either, it's been a really good day. Nothing anxiety or depression worthy. Just out of the blue sadness and overwhelming emotions. Ugh.
Oct 5, 2018
I woke up today with nausea and within minutes I began crying. No real reason. I couldn't face the day. It was impossible to get out of bed. Then I started thinking about work knowing we are short handed and the anxiety of knowing I would most likely be alone or working with some random sub and that made the anxiety overwhelm me. I finally stopped crying, got up, got partially dressed and started sobbing again. I couldn't do it so I called in to work. I couldn't control myself. I told them my situation and they understood what was going on and just asked me to call in around noon and hopefully come in around 1 to help close. The sobbing continued for a good 30 more minutes. And I am finally calmed down. I do have a major headache now. I may take a nap.
Sep 11, 2018
So my paycheck will be less than 75 hours this week and although I am the only one in the building who hasn't reached over time by alot I was forced to leave work a half hour early today. I came home crying because I know I will barely be able to make rent because of it. if they try to send me home early tomorrow or even the rest of the week my boss and I will be having words. So I will definitely be crying at work tomorrow. Not looking forward to that.
Jul 20, 2018
This week at work has been a rough one. Dealing with children is my forte, the grown ups are the ones I have a problem with. Especially families who think I can only watch their kid and not the other 16 kids in the class. Yes they have never had a 4yr old before but after numerous conferences and conversations talking about the same crap over and over again I finally snapped and went off on a parent. What he called "an incident" we call everyday life of a 4yr old. Children who play will get scrapes and bruises. Helicopter parents are the bane of my existence. Luckily I went to my boss before the parent came in to talk to her but now here comes another damn conference...ugh.. at least my boss will be there.
Jun 11, 2018
So our entire relationship we have agreed NO CHILDREN I firmly still believe it, but lately he has been bringing up the idea of kids . In his mind me saying no kids meant no kids while I work in childcare. At his parents house they have a walk of pictures of the three kids and under both his sisters they have pictures of their kids. There is nothing around his and I made comment that his will be left blank and he gave me an odd look and said that it's no babies for right now... He is convinced I will change my mind. He doesn't get it. I don't want to have babies. I never want to be pregnant. I know I won't like being a mom. I don't believe people can be happy being a parent.
Mar 14, 2018
Feb 5, 2018
About two weeks ago B and I went on my first real vacation. My first flight ever. It was fun and exciting to see the land from so high up. We went to Disneyland for five days. It started out stressful but turned out perfect. We saw all of our favorite characters and rode all the rides we could. We ate the Disney food and even got sick from a few rides. We took all the pictures, ended up with over 400. On the 27th we waited in line for almost an hour to see Chinese New Year Minnie and Mickey. When we finally get to see them we took pictures when B asked for one more. I turned to see him down on one knee. I honestly didn't see it coming. It was so sweet. The ring is 3 gems in the shape of a Mickey mouse head. It's beautiful and a starter ring and I love it. The best part is we got pictures of the whole thing.
While I am so excited that it has happened I still feel more or less empty inside. I'm happy but so sad I cry almost every day. I don't understand my own emotions. My mood swings have been erratic and B has been so patient with me. People are expecting me to know exactly what I want my wedding to be like when really I thought I had ideas but now I'm questioning all of those ideas. I know I would like it in front of a barn but not sure if it's what I want too. We haven't even set a date. We just said it would be a year or two out.
Sep 22, 2017
Jul 31, 2017
Jul 25, 2017
Today marks the one month mark till my last day at work. I will be transferring to a different building closer to where I will be living. I have my last day set as Aug 25th. It is the last day of summer camp. Mainly because I refuse to work on a set up day for a school year I won't be here for.
So B and I are moving in together. Originally we said middle of August then end of August. But we found out his leave actually isn't up until the end of September so now the plan is middle of September... Move in days where he is are the 10th of the month. That means we will be moving the week of my birthday.. ugh. I have started going though my things slowly getting rid of things.
My other concern is that I still don't drive. Or have a car for the time that I do get my license.. one of mom's friends said she was considering selling her car but we haven't heard anything since.
I am slowly noticing my stress level rising. I have been having nightmares, been more emotional, and have just basically been exhausted all the time. Mom was asking if I was freaking out and honestly I know it's coming but I'm definitely not in a full panic yet. This will be my first time moving. And I am moving away from my family. It's a big move. Last weekend I switched over to B's phone plan. So that's one step closer to making the movie official. OH! And the roommates still don't know he is moving out!?! He isn't even planning on letting them know until we sign the papers.
Dec 26, 2016
Christmas was great. B came and got me Christmas eve. Christmas morning we went to Brian's for my family and then went up to his parents house for his families. It was a good one.
The part that broke me a little was checking Facebook. First four, then five, then Six, now eight people I know got engaged over Christmas. Two of which are B's co-workers so we knew about one of them before it happened. B had mentioned that someone had asked if he was feeling pressure at all and he said no and laughed. He laughed telling me about it. And now I have this ache..and a constant need to cry. Only I can't stand to cry in front of him, he gives me this look that makes me want to cry more. It's not a bad look, it's a mix between love and you're crazy. I love him and I know he loves me it's the waiting that hurts.
Feb 15, 2016
Worst Valentine's Day weekend. Nothing happened. We were supposed to go out because he wanted to buy me something to make up for skipping Valentine's Day but he ended up taking a nap most of the day. We never even left the house. Most disappointing weekend I have had in a while with him.
Feb 14, 2016
I worked on a cute little drawing of us. It took me a while to get right. I made it to give to him for valentine's day, he saw it and said he looked creepy. I know he didn't mean to hurt me or my feelings but I think that on top of yesterday, today didn't go as planned
Feb 13, 2016
He is the love of my life and sometimes he is the only thing that holds my heart together. But some nights without even trying he is the reason I cry over the littlest things. Some nights I don't even want to talk to him because I know the second I open my mouth is will cry. So tonight I turned off all the lights, got into bed and cried right next to him. He held my hand and let me cry.
Jan 1, 2016
Dec 26, 2015
This Christmas was a somewhat special one. Brandon and I decided we wanted to spend it together. We have been together almost 3 yrs and this was our first Christmas we spent together. He came down and had Christmas morning with my family at my brothers house then we went up north to his parents house and had Christmas dinner with his family. It was a really nice day. My family was a little upset I wasn't joining them at my aunts that evening but mom came around to it. It's amazing how different families do Christmas, my family always does a small thing where his family took like an hour to do gifts. It was fun and crazy. One of the best Christmas' I've had in a while
Dec 11, 2015
Dec 8, 2015
Nov 3, 2015
There are mornings I wake up and all I want to do is cry. Those days I know are gonna be hard. You live life thinking that maybe you are ok, that maybe you beat your depression but then it hits you like a rock before you even get out of bed. Ugh
Oct 31, 2015
Aug 23, 2015
Aug 15, 2015
Jul 14, 2015
Tonight is one of those nights I am crawling in my body and I don't know what I'm actually feeling I'm OK but I'm crawling in my skin I want to scream I want to cry I know I want to cut haven't done that in a long time being lonely sucks and the late nights that really get to me when he's asleep and I have no one to talk to.
Jul 2, 2015
Jun 27, 2015
Why is it the nights I need him the most are the nights he falls asleep early. It's the night I feel like my world is crashing down and every burden seems to crush me. I hope for a day when I won't have to feel alone at night because I will always be with him.
Jun 8, 2015
Days when I'm not with you my internal sadness returns. The fear of no happiness just eats away at me and I feel like crying the tears well up and i try not to feel anything. Some days that happiness comes back the other days the sadness wins and the tears just keep coming
Jun 5, 2015
May 13, 2015
May 11, 2015
That moment when the love of your life tells you you need to lost some "insulation " before summer hits and your heart just breaks because you realize he thinks you are fat and doesn't want to be a dick about it
Apr 22, 2015
Apr 17, 2015
It's been over a year since I last cut myself and I couldn't be more happy with life. I find myself smiling for no reason, breaking out of my shell one day at a time. Yes there are days I cry and feel empty still they are just fewer and farther apart from the way I used to feel.
Apr 15, 2015
We have been together almost two and a half years and I am still madly in love with him. I ache the days I don't get to see him. And when I'm with him I am so happy and giddy I can hardly contain myself. Yes there are days we get on each other's nerves but the love takes care of that.
Apr 13, 2015
I think I want kids. I know I won't be good at it, not like my job, but when it comes down to it I always saw myself as a mom. Working with kids is what makes me question if I really want them. There is also the bigger fear... what if they get my heart problem? The Dr's say it's a small percentage of a chance but still it could happen. Or what if something entirely different happend? What if having kids pushes me and my person apart? What if people realize I'm a terrible person/mom?
Apr 12, 2015
This weekend was a great one. Friday B and I went out to dinner, spent time with each other and talked. Saturday we did Alice in Wonderland burlesque, which was amazing! So much fun. So glad we did it, it was a great date night.
Mar 26, 2015
Feeling a bit off today. I dont know what it is but I have this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear. I feel as tho I could cry at any moment. I havent had a day like this in months, I want to crawl in bed and let the world dissappear.
Feb 17, 2015
My valentine's day gift was part 2 of my tattoo. I could only sit for 2 hrs because my hit was killing me and the pain almost made me throw up a few times. We had to schedule my 3rd appointment a little further out so its march 22nd. Should be mostly healed by then.
Feb 6, 2015
Dec 29, 2014
Oct 15, 2014
Oct 6, 2014
Today I just want to throw up from stress. Waiting to get a talk from admin about a situation last week and it still hasn't happened yet which is weird. Apparently i was too harsh when talking to a parent ona day i had been very distraught on and after i knew i would get pulled in for it. Its just hard when someone looks at you like you are the villan every day
Oct 5, 2014
Aug 24, 2014
Jul 31, 2014
Jul 29, 2014
Jul 1, 2014
So after this week im not sure how my family will see me. I promised my bf id spend my vacation days with him or atleast mostly with him. But my family still doesnt know I stay at his house.
I kniw they must suspect something because he brings me home each weekend but I just cant knowingly know I am a disappointment to them. I love him and he makes me happier than they have in yrs
May 5, 2014
Feb 25, 2014
Jan 29, 2014
Jan 14, 2014
Well u have 3 and a half days of work left before I go in for surgery. The kids at work are still learning the concept of time and ask everyday if I am fixed yet. But boy am I ready. While I am ready for it I am also a bit nervous, the word is out and I'm fairly certain everyone knows what's going on. It's going to be weird and stressful and hard. I have no memory of the pain of the last open heart surgery I had. If anything that is what makes me nervous the most, my pain tolerance is nowhere near where it used to be.
Dec 27, 2013
Dec 20, 2013
Over the last 2 weeks I have been noticing my heart is having more issues than not. I last saw my cardiologist in September and they said to come back in December. Well Monday was bad, I knew I had an appointment on Tuesday bit wanted to see my Dr too so I got an appointment on Wednesday. Two days at the hospital. Tuesday was a day of tests. I had a transesophegeal ultrasound and they found something they weren't sure about and ordered a ct. 7 hrs later I left the hospital frazzled. So much uncertainty. Wednesday I met with the Dr's and learned that they saw things they weren't expecting. What they thought would only be 1 or 2 things was really 4 and some that they wouldn't know how to fix until they go in. They decided that surgery will be open heart and will be sooner rather than later, we have hit our window and they are taking it. I meet with the surgeon next Thursday to discuss options and hopefully a timeline.
I went in to work Wednesday and was a complete mess I talked to my boss and told her my situation. Recovery time is 8 to 12 weeks and she and her husband are willing to keep me covered on insurance and just have me pay the monthly stuff when I return. I was so greatful they are willing to help. Still very stressed but it's a bit easier knowing a fix is coming.
Nov 27, 2013
Today I feel like poo. I have been progressively getting more and more sick since sunday. With nasel issues and nausea and today I add a massive headache plus more pain in the nasel area. Not a very fun way to start off thanksgiving break. Ugh .
Sep 17, 2013
So I have been thinking, am I ready to say I love you? Is that what hes waiting for? Are the I ♥yous not enough for him? Neither of us have said love, not even once. Whats stopping us? If we cant say it then what are we putting ourselves thru? There have been times I have stopped myself from saying love because it was a cliché of a time or fear of nothing in return. He still boggles my mind and heart and the un answeredness of it all is what eats me from the inside. I ask him what he needs from me or if he wants anything about us to change and he claims to be happy but is he happy enought? Am I happy enough?
Sep 16, 2013
Ok I have to admit my birthday went alot better than I thought it would. Friday I went to a Charlotte Sometimes concert with a friend. It was the longest concert ever but it was totally worth it. Charlotte was amazing I got to meet her and got a picture with her.
Saturday we had my birthday breakfast at IHOP and it was fun. I dressed up all fancy. It was mom dad ash brian Jeanette and brandon. sad was onlh a little bit awkward and Jeanette tamed ashleys bitchiness. After breakfast I went with brandon. We went to the Alderwood mall and he bought me 4 pair of leggings and a waterbottle from rei. For lunch we had coldstone then went back to his place and watched more dexter. It was a fun day.
Sunday morning he drove me home and I took a nice long nap then took the family out to dinner. I chose the Olive Garden. It was nice. On the way home there was a large thunderstorm. It was a good weekend.
I turned in my insurance application this morning and new coverage should start October 1st. Which is good because I get cut off September 30th. Big sigh of relief here.
Sep 12, 2013
My birthday is in 3 days. I have never been more scared of a birthday. I will be turning 26 and taken off my parents insurance by the end of the month. My new job offers benefits but not until 60 days after I started which is the end of October. This terrifies me. With my health i have always been covered. I have big appointments with major tests coming up and I have to be covered for those. Especially with an impending surgery coming up I hate this being a grown up is too stressful.
Aug 16, 2013
So its my last friday at work and I am so glad it is. I work monday and tuesday next week and then I am done! Soo ready. Wednesday I start my new job. I am nervous but soo excited about doing something different. I'm still In childcare but different ages. Plus it has benefits.
Aug 11, 2013
After the horrible week I barely made it through B came and picked me up friday after work. We went to the movies then back to his house for the night. We spent most of the night cuddling and watching movies. We barely keep our hands off eachother. :) the next morning again we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. At one point whatever I was doing to him he started twitching and flailing around haha it was soo weird. That had never happedn to either of us before so it was hilarious, I didn't stop either haha atleast not for a little bit longer. He is so much fun to be around and is the closest thing to happy I have had in a long time.
Aug 4, 2013
There are days where I truly believe I beat my depression. Where life can't get any better. Then there are days where you realise you love someone infinitely more than they love or even like you. I feel it and know what it feels like but can't say it because I have that gut feeling that tells me not to tell him because he doesn't feel the same. Yes he Chose me but from the beginning I was his second choice. I have opened up my life to him. He has met my whole family, and has my heart when I didn't think I would give it to him. Here it is 6 months together and he has yet to let me into his life other than his arms. Who is his family? Who are his friends? Why hasn't he mentioned me to his family? Ugh really not liking life right now.
Jul 11, 2013
Jun 27, 2013
Feb 6, 2013
Jan 21, 2013
Nov 24, 2012
Oct 30, 2012
Sep 15, 2012
Aug 25, 2012
Aug 8, 2012
Work is killing me lately. My boss just isn't listening to what I have to say and she isn't thinking of anyone but herself. She iisnt giving me the releif staff I need and its taking its toll on my body.
On top of that I got my pre op packet and it got my family thinking.. they told us that it is a better fix then cutting me open and getting everything. But in the info packet it flat ou says its basically a fixaflat for the heart until your next open hart surgery. UGH! I'm gonnna hve to email the nurse back and find out what the hell thas about because when I went in they asked my oppinion and I said do the open heart one and I get the packet for the other one... wtf?
Aug 7, 2012
Aug 6, 2012
Jul 30, 2012
Jul 17, 2012
Jul 11, 2012
Been on the brink of tears for the last few days. Not even sure why other than loneliness and fear of what's going to happen. Today is my big cardiology appointment meeting with the specialist. Myb health has been getting notisable worse fo me and I'm hoping they can do something or atleast give me answers
Jul 10, 2012
Jul 7, 2012
Jun 23, 2012
Jun 21, 2012
Jun 17, 2012
Jun 10, 2012
May 28, 2012
May 19, 2012
Apr 8, 2012
Life is going slowly and boring and horrible. Work is easing up a bit but not as much as i would like. Mom fell and ripped a muscle behind her knee on Friday and is pissing us off because now she cant do shit for herself. We thought she was done breaking and getting hurt.
None of my friends are talking too me anymore. Amber rarely wants to hang out, Brandon hasn't talked to me in months. Chris.. oh god Chris .. I'm not even sure whats going on with him. i haven't talked to him in a long time and it wasn't until like last week that he finally talked to me and only said he was too busy for me an super tired. Haven't seen him in almost 3 months and i don't know what to do with myself. I swear i don't love him, not after what he called me and such but there is still an emptiness i know he can fill even if its with friendship.
Mar 20, 2012
Mar 19, 2012
Mar 18, 2012
2: Do not reminisce on things I find ridiculous
4: Do not lose focus on the significant things vs. the insignificant
5: Do not cheat myself out of a good opportunity
6: Do not choose to expect less than what I am capable of
7: Do not lose to life..
Mar 17, 2012
Mar 16, 2012
Mar 15, 2012
Mar 14, 2012
Mar 12, 2012
Well for me ilike it a lot more when the guy goes for the kiss first. Its an amazing feeling knowin someone wants to kiss you. There's a sertain innocense in it and or even a primal feeling to it. I hae also been the one to initiate it and I have been told they like it so I do it too but honstly I like when the guy does it, it feels normal and a lot less awkward.
That would be chris.. the last time I saw him I cried 3 times all for diffferent reasons ad only one of those reasons was bad and it honestly wasn't a horrible bad it was he answered me truthfully and it wasn't the answer I wanted kind of bad. He's made me cry before but never when I was with him... that was something new. There were happy and sad tears
There is a yes and a no to almost everyone who just came to mind.
My ex bff, yeah I miss her sometimes. I miss that I had someone to be with every day but I don't mss her manipulative persomality and her abuse towards her children and the people around her.
I miss my grandmothers, luckily I hae a few awesome memories with both of them throughout the years.
Chris.. I miss chris more than I should. Without him I'm close to empty inside and for him I'm just another clingy lonely girl he sometimes wants to hang out with. He's my best guy friend and I am rarely even a blip on his radar.
I miss my best friend who moved to georgia to be with her husband.
I miss the relationship I used to have with my mother.