Dec 31, 2008

Walking on the lake

Tonight I went on a walk with chris and steve. They decided to walk across the frozen lake while I played the girl yelling at them not to do it. A couple times steve was telling me to just kiss chris, but I couldn't do it. I need to know if he likes me back befor I can make a move.

Dec 28, 2008

Again

I cut again today. Mainly because I got a new towel to keep the blood in. I don't plan on washing it. At least not for a while. I love watching the blood bubble and spill over the freshly opened wound. Watching the blood calms me, in a way it helps me. I love how as soon as the blood surfaces I can smell it and weirdly it doesn't bother me. Is that weird? Oh well if it is I don't care. It doesn't hurt today. Normally I feel some for of pain and the relief, but today all it is is relief. Its interesting how a body can handle different levels of pain, interesting enough to where I like to test it daily.

Dec 25, 2008

Well christmas was ok. I cut a little last night but nothing really bad. My brother and his wife came over for the whole gift thing so that was nice.

Dec 24, 2008

Merry Christmas

To all those bloggers out there, even though Christmas has pretty much become a holiday about forcing holiday cheer on people and mainly brings depression. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas you guys

Dec 22, 2008

Cabin Fever of the body

Ew, I started feeling weird around 9:30. I don't really know what was wrong, but I had a few moments where I felt like I was gonna puke. Plus I am all of a sudden really tired. I don't know what I am thinking, I'm all scattered today. There are so many thoughts I cant even decipher one to talk about it.I don't know whether to tell the doctors about it or not. I mean, is this a symptom of me being crazy?? Or is it a side effect? Is it normal? What I don't understand is how people are put in mental hospitals, and how is it that people can be out for weeks and then go right back in? Do you have to be a certain level of crazy to get in? Its not that I want to be in one, but at times I think I should be in one. With the voices and the seeing things, I don't know what to think.Is it possible to get Cabin Fever in your own body? Cause when my bones itch and ache, that's what it feels like. Its like I'm trapt. Trapt in my skin, and I cant get out. Those are the days I need to cut, I know I need to right now but I wont. Okay, I might. Its undecided, well its decided but not. I don't know, I have mixed feelings. I guess throughout the day I have been feeling a little better but still crawl in my skin. Dad is coming home early today so we can finish our Christmas shopping. So that helps relieve pressure a bit.I talked with Chris today. He still hasn't said much about anything. Still hasn't opened up to me about anything about hanging out. He is so frustrating sometimes the way he makes promises and doesn't keep them. Hes just like every other guy I have liked. God how depressing is that. When will I find someone who follows through with a promise? The other day I was sitting at my desk at work and I swear I saw someone. It wasn't really a person, it was just a black figure that was in the shape of a person. Its certainly not the first time this has happened, I see bugs... mainly spiders, all the time. If that's not crazy I don't know what is. Yeah its not the kind of hallucinogen like having the spiders or bugs on you, its more like they are around me. Its not so bad I guess, yeah it scares me sometimes but its not like I know if other people see those things too. Maybe some normal people do, maybe not.

Dec 17, 2008

Troubles with chris

Chris didn't show up again tonight after what I thought to be extensive plans to go for a walk. But after 4 hours of waiting and only one text from him saying "soon", he never came. So around 1am I finally got sick of waiting and had to let him know. So this is what I sent to him. "Ok so I love having you as a friend, but honestly I am sick of being the one who makes the plans only for you to not follow through. So I guess I will wait for the day you honestly want to hang out with me. So until then, talk to you later."Now I have to wait to see if he even responds. God I don't know why or how I have put up with him for so long. I swear if I didn't have a crush on him, I would cut off the friendship entirely... well not entirely, but you know what I mean

Dec 12, 2008

Sick... ew

Ugh so yesterday I woke up feeling sick. I had a headache, killer sinuses, sore throat, and achy body. I have maintained a fever of 100.1 . Last night I woke up about 5 times even though I had taken more than enough nighquil. And today I have all those symptoms plus an ear ache

Dec 6, 2008

Bloody bracelet

I got bored at work, there are 63 cuts in all

Dec 5, 2008

So i found this on a website, but dont remember which one. i just thought it made sense... in a way. and although some of these are not the way i view my cutting, i know this is how some cuttters feel

Hurting yourself is NOT about attention!
Hurting yourself is NOT about wanting to kill yourself!
Hurting yourself is NOT about bloody EMO!!
Hurting yourself is NOT about proving how cool you are!!
Hurting yourself is NOT about having a weakness of personality!
Hurting yourself is NOT about self-hate!!
Hurting yourself IS a symptom of a larger problem!
Hurting yourself IS a symptom of a larger problem which the person may not even be aware of!!
Hurting yourself IS AN ADDICTION!!
Pure and simple.

Dec 4, 2008

Ugh

Ugh I have the worst cramps today. It has been horrible. And to make it worse, my man friend has canceled on me 3 times this week and it has been killing me.I yelled at him today and he just laughed. AAAHHHHH! Oh my god! I love the man but he drives me insane! Ugh, I am already crawling in my skin.

Dec 3, 2008

Cutting Survey

Are you a boy/ girl: girl
Age: 21
Age you began to cut: I first cut when I was 13
Does anyone know you cut: family and a few friends
Does your parent(s)/ guardian(s): yes
Do you ever burn or bruise yourself: I have burned myself a few times
Do you think that you are depressed: I know I am
Do you think you have anxiety problems: yes majorly
Do you think you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD): no
Do you have any other disorders: Paranoia, and sometimes i think I see things lol
Do you have an eating disorder: no
Are you on meds: some days
Have you been hospitalized or been to the ER for self injury/ suicide attempt: no
Have you tried to commit suicide: no, but I have had thoughts
How: slit my wrists or OD
Does anyone know that you tried: i hope they dont
Are you or have you ever been abused in any way: along with waking up with a guy humping and groping me, no. but i have had sexual issues
Do you do drugs: no
Do you think of cutting as a good or bad thing: I know its bad but it is good for me
Do you wish you could stop: some days
Do you wish to stop in the future: only if things become better
What are your feelings leading up to, during and after cutting: happiness, deppression, anger, sadness, boredness
When you cut does it hurt: Some times, but most of the time I have so much built up pain and anger that I don’t feel a thing
Do you bandage your cuts: if they are really bad
Where do you most normally cut: Arms and Legs
Are you alone when you cut: Always
Do you have a weapon of choice, do you carry it with you: I use Razors and box cutters. I keep razors pretty much everywhere even in my books
Have you ever made a weapon out of something ordinary or something you found: I used a broken Cd
What have you used to injure yourself: scissors, needles, safety pins, lighters, wire, Razors, knives
How do you feel about your cuts/scars, do they tell a story: some are words and reading them reminds me othe the story, but yeah for the most part I remember making every one
Do you ever design a cut (make it decorative or in a certain shape): I cut a lightning rod on my thigh, and have 6 words on my thighs
Are your cuts lines or in rows, or designs: lines rows and designs
Have you ever cut too deep: yes
Do you have trust issues: yes majorly
Do you sit in corners: on my bad days
Do you know people or hang out with people who cut?: I know a few people who used to cut or do it every once and a while, but I do it alot

Dec 1, 2008

Panic attack

Ugh have you ever had a major panic attack where its so bad you can't breath? Ever panic for no reason? I have, mainly because I stopped taking my meds. And even though I know how crazy I get when not on them, I still continue to not take them. Like the other day. I was just sitting in my room not doing anything and I started to cry. Then the next thing I was in a full on panic attack. I was hyperventilating and everything, it was crazy. It was honestly the worst attack I have had.

Nov 27, 2008

I DID IT!

I did it! 400 cuts in 2 years! Ok so technically I have 402 but still, how awesome!

Nov 22, 2008

Memories of cutting

So I was thinking about my life and what caused me to go down the road of self destruction. And as I think , I remember started cutting because my best friend did it. And then again because I was bored. And then I went through a phase where I did things I wasn't proud of, like in 9th grade I went and got drunk for my friends birthday, I gave my best friend a hand job in a sauna. Not long after that he told me he was gay. I guess those memories and built up shame and guilt just gave me more will power to cut. I started to hate myself, though it wasn't until years later that I entered complete self loathing. There was also an event that even to this day I don't know how to react to. When my best friend moved sophomore year, I spent the weekend they moved with them. When it was time for bed, the bedrooms weren't unpacked yet so my friend her brother and I all slept on a few mattresses pushed together in the living room with me in the middle. Her brother was a few years older than me but still a friend. But yeah, in the middle of the night something in my dream changed and that had never happened before. It came to mind that it wasn't happening in my dream it was happening to me. I open my eyes and her brother was under my blanket pressed up against me humping me. And to this day I don't know if he was dressed or not because I never turned to see. I was traumatized and pretended to be asleep until he was done. it must have been 5 or 10 minutes before he got up and went to the bathroom, and while he was gone I checked to see if my friend was awake but she wasn't, so I wrapped myself in my blanket and forced myself to go back to sleep. Plus growing up I had people telling me my dad was creepy, and a pervert. That got to me also. And for the past 4 or 5 years I have hugged him 3 or 4 times, and haven't allowed him to touch me. From highschool and beyond is when my cutting got bad, I even went sofar as to burn myself a few times. But since my era of self loathing started, my family life hasn't helped either. 3 years ago mom fell and broke her arm and leg and we were forced to take care of her. That started my depression, and sinse then anything and everything has sent me into a downward spiral. I had 4 friends die and have come close to over dosing many times. Even my therapist gave up on me because I was too depressed and didn't seem to want to quit the self injuring. This doesn't even really begin to express my memories and repressed feelings as to why I am a cutter, but not even my therapist knew about these things.

Nov 21, 2008

Scammed

So everyone knows that if you get something in the mail you never signed up for almost always is a scam. My dad didn't think of that when he got something about being a secret shopper. Hell he even went so far as to call and check it out. So the place sent him a check for a couple thousand dollars and without really thinking about it he went and cashed it. Not until a day later did my mom even consider it as a scam. So they called the bank and they said to give it a few days. So they did. That was great until yesterday when my dad got a call from the bank saying the check bounced. Knowing he prettymuch screwd our family, dad was sleepless with worry. And its not like mom could yell at him because she fell for it too. So now we r puting all the family money into my account because it has no connection to anyone elses, so the bank just closes dad and doesn't touch anyone elses. Needless to say dad isn't allowd on the internet anymore.

Nov 19, 2008

Reaching 400

So here it is, in the next few days I will reach 400 cuts in 2 years

Nov 13, 2008

Lots of blood

Ok so befor I cut tonight I took three morphine pills. I have been bleeding a lot and its mainly because I cut deep today. So yeah in the middle of a cut... my dad opened my door without knocking. Luckily I was able to pull a blanket over everything before he saw it. With the blood, I painted a picture in my journal. So now I'm just working on stopping the bleding.

Nov 7, 2008

I tried

Today I actually had the guts to talk to my best friend about my cutting and my other issues that I haven't told her. And when I brought it up she listened for a bit and then drifted off to another topic. She didn't even want to talk about it... she never does. I don't know, that just seems weird.

Oct 27, 2008

He didn't come

He didn't show up. We were supposed to walk. I waited around for an hour and he never came. We even talked about it today. We planned it on Saturday and he was totally for it. Even tonight he was ready, but he never showed :( how could he just not show up?! He is my Chris! it was an official hang out and he didn't come. I feel like crying it just hasn't come out yet. There is still the small hope he might show up. Even tho I told my mom we weren't going because he couldn't, I couldn't dare show my emotions and feelings towards him and how much it hurt me that he didn't even text me to say he wasn't coming. That's it the tears are coming

Sep 25, 2008

Awkward!

Ok so today my mom asked me to come into her room for a short chat. She had been reading a book and I guess the boy in the book cut him self and he did it in more than one area. So she learned that people don't just cut in one area of the body and that the prominently cut on their thighs, butts, and stomachs. She then asked me if I cut on more areas than just my arms. I just laughed and said maybe. Then she commented about how I should make an appointment with my therapist. But I was like no that won't do anything.I also told her that I do it more out of addiction than out of self loathing. Which isn't exactly true so whatever, she dosen't need to know everything about my cutting. She has no freaking idea how much I cut and she never will.

i think i broke my heart today

so a few weeks ago we found out that i was going to be an aunt, and the entire family was super happy but not allowed to tell anyone just in case. but mom didn't remember that and she told like half the family. well today we got a call saying that they lost the baby. and when i found out my heart just sank. i have has a horrible pain in my chest since, and it wont go away. i cant even talk to them because what do you say to someone who just lost their first baby? its just heart breaking. they were so excited and were still to scared to tell anyone.

Sep 23, 2008

Oh my god, i cant stand my mom! she has been a total bitch. she complains that i never contribute to anything which i don't understand, because i pay bills every other month. and she is the one who shops constantly. oh and not to mention that she thinks that i need a new job with more hours, when i work way more than 40 hours a week, just because i only have a "constant" job on Saturdays. AND she loves to pick at every one of my flaws, it drives me insane!
today i find out that she told some woman that i would stay with her children while she is gone for three days, and i guess it happened a few days ago. now i have to even though my plate is way too full already. she drives me freakin crazy! she thinks that just because i helped out in the special ed classes for 3 years that i would consider helping with 3 autistic kids by myself for 3 days! she is freakin crazy!i hate her! she honestly has no idea how much i hate her, i mean what the hell! I hate how she never consults with us about anything! she just thinks that we are useless and that she can find new things for us to do even though we are too busy as it is, and i need my freaking days off! she cant just decide that i have to to things! i am 21 years old for gods sake!

Sep 12, 2008

Again... it happened again.

I cut again for the first time in a few weeks. I needed it. It would have happened sooner of later, I knew I wouldn't stop. So now there r 5 fresh cuts on my body and it feels awesome! Weird I know, but I crave pain in a strange way.

Sep 6, 2008

The Boyfriend List

The list is:
* Johnny S
* Sean B
* Jesse R
* Jake W
* Cory H
* Marcus J
* Steven P
* Kyle M
* MacDonald F
* Justin B
* Matt W
* Andrew R
* Chris B
* Dane P
* Caleb G
* Zach S
* Benjamin G
* Seth M
* Ryan R
* Ryan B
* Neil L
* Brandon M


Others were thought of, but the more I thought of it, they didnt fit the issue

Aug 27, 2008

Heart

Here I sit not knowing what to think. Not knowing what is wrong with me. Yes there is the knowledge of the past, but still no idea of what is going on now. With the newer pains and possibilities. Anxiety builds up and pains arrives. The kind of pain that makes you want to scream. Trying not to wig out, I pop a pill to feel ok. Lets just hope it works.

Aug 10, 2008

A list of kids Names I have chosen.

This is a list of my choice of kids names. I don't have any, and I am not pregnant, but still..
Phineus-B
Nolan -B
Phorque-B/G
Zeus-B
Bronson -B/G
Evolet -G
Taiga -G
Angus-Cole -B/G
Sloane - G
Vance - B
Zathan - B
Elodie -G
Declan - B
Khile -G
Thackery -B
Wray -B
Wesliegh -B/G
Rafe -B
Persephone -G
Griffin -B/G
Arnon -B

Jul 30, 2008

I had a bad week

My life seems to be spiraling deep into a depression again. And I have been cutting constantly. The after effects of the cuts hurt more than the actual making of them.

Jul 25, 2008

Amber

Ugh, if she is what friends r like, i dont want any. She is soposedly pissed at me because I am not interesting enough. And plus the fact that she knows that I don't like talking about her ex boyfriend, and how she is gonna get back with him even tho she knows she shouldn't. It pisses me off. Not to mention the fact that she is always way too depressed for me to be around her, and I can't take that much stress right now. And then, today while I was sitting next to my sis, amber starte messeging her about how she was removing me from her myfaves because I am not worth talking to, and that she was gonna replace me with her ex, she is an idiot. She just needs to stop waiting for her life to start, it started when she got pregnant at 16 and needs to come to terms with the fact that maybe she isn't soposed to have a guy in her life right now so she can get her crap together and actuaslly become a good mom. I mean its not that hard, she knew what she was getting herself into when she was having sex, and having 2 kids you would think, would help her realise what her life was about.I need her to realise that she doesn't need a man to make her happy, she needs to accept her life, and move one, stop waiting for life to start when hers started a long time ago. Its rediculous. UGH!

Jul 24, 2008

Hell

Well life is lame. I have men in my life who act like they don't want to be. They enter into my life few weeks at a time, then out of no where they disappear. Guys suck right now, ugh

Jul 8, 2008

People in my life

People bug me. Well, not just any people, people in my life. I am caught between a rock and a hard place. Friends who date, then breakup. There is a separation and you have to decide who gets who. When you belong to one friend and have been told not to see the other person. And even though you have said you haven't, you still have a small connection. And never mention to so called party number 1 anything that involves party number 2. It makes me sad that I can't say anything about anything about anyone.2 its just hard

Jul 3, 2008

Sick

Ugh, summertime makes me sick... literally. Every summer I get the flu. I haven't got it yet, but I have been sick for the last few days. With a stuffy nose and a head ache and congestion. I can't stop sneezing and it is driving me crazy. There is always a tickle and its insane.

Jun 27, 2008

He's back

As of the 25th, he is back in my life. It began from a random text from a number I didn't know, and it turned out to be him. Sinse then, we have used about 350 text. I don't know what it is with him, but as much as I have hated him, he makes me smile, and even happy. I think its because he was the first person I honestly fell for. For as long as I have known him he has given me butterflies in my stomach and almost always makes me giggle. Its just what he does to me. I know he is the one I fell for, and honestly fell for. Which is odd for people because we haven't even dated... let alone make out. Hell we have been friends for around 5 years and our lips have never even touched. What a relationship

Jun 25, 2008

Sleep

Sleep hasn't been so easy for me lately. I can hardly fall asleep at night, then can't stay asleep. It just makes me soo tired, but never tired enough to sleep. I just wish I could find a way to sleep. Sleep is my friend, I love sleep :)

Jun 7, 2008

Dad!

Omg my dad is such a bigget! So we went to teriyaki town tonight for dinner, and it is run by koreans and mexicans. And I was totally embarassed to be with him. He had to go to the bathroom but there wasn't any toilet paper. So he went to the front counter not thinking the woman knew much english and was like " is there someone who works here that speaks english?" I was like OMG! And when he got back from the bath room he was laughing about it and telling us about it even though the entire place heard him. Plus he went on about a bunch of other things that shouldn't have been said. I mean he might as well have called the "wetbacks" he is suck and embarassment to be around cause he is always judging people by the language they speak. I was like " dad they work here...of course they know some english, they were just talking to you!" So in the end, its well known I think my father is an idiot and I am embarassed to be his daughter

May 27, 2008

Friends

Ok so here's my problem. I babysit for a friend almost every tuesady. And the thing is that we haven't really been friends since she got pregnant. I just haven't been gutsy enough to tell her I don't really feel like we are friends. We have nothing in common with eachother anymore, and to me it seems like she is only my friend so she can use me as a babysitter. She bugs the hell out of me and assumes I want to spent the entire day with her instead of living my life the way I want. She is always signing me up to do things with her, and I am sick of it. Everytime I come up with an excuse not to hang out she comes up with a way around it, and I can't think of another way out. Every week I get sick trying to tell her a way out of it. But never, I never get out of it.I just don't have the heart to tell her I want to end our friendship.

May 26, 2008

Dad

Ugh I honestly can't stand dad today. Everything he does makes me want to rip his head off.I know its just me and my isues, but really. He is always pointing out the obvious and doesn't listen to a word I say. I don't know what to do about either, cause even when I was in therapy it didn't help me get over my hatred towards him. I don't know why it goes on. Its kinds annoying.

Shoulders on fire

So today I chose a new spot for cutting. I added 43 new cuts combined . I only did it in a spot where most of my sleeves will cover it. It just hurts, but in a good way

May 21, 2008

Lately...

Life has been a bad trip. I haven't been taking my med like I should be. Mainly because I never remember to take them. I haven't cut or anything, I have just been really emotional and crazy. Not cool fatal attraction crazy, but crazy crazy. Like I see things. Not like dead people or anything. I see bugs. I see them everywhere, and it don't really announce that I see them, but lately its kinda been bad these days with me seeing real bugs. Now its hard for me to know if they are the real ones or not. I even had a spider crawl on me the other day, and I wigged out! I guess I am just crazy.

May 18, 2008

Another bad day in my body.

I need help again but know it can't happen because we can't afford it. I hate geting poor. Why can't life be different? Why can't I have a family who doesn't yell at me all the time? Why can't I have a brother who loves me? why can't I be smarter? Skinnier? Self confidential? Happy? Healthy? I wish it would just end. When is the light gonna shine? When will I be happy again? Truly happy. Probably never. And that's why life sucks. I hate it, I hate my family, I hate my friends. How can you take a life without destroying a world? How can you make someone so happy that they can love you for you? How do you find someone to do that? What do do you have to do to get someone to love you forever? How do you get them to accept you for who you are with all your habits and scars and mental issues? This I may never know.

May 15, 2008

Life its not just a cereal

Body:
1) What's a fact about the last person you were on the phone with? She's my momma
2) Do you ever turn your cell phone off? never, unless its dead.
3) What happened at 10:00 am today? sleep :) I love sleep
4) When did you last cry? Like last week I think, I randomly get emotional
5) What is your favorite thing to eat?um... I would say orange chicken from panda express.
6) What do you want in your life right now? The man of my dreams. He is perfect in my eyes, no matter what people say.
7) Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood? if i have a hood I will wear it
8) Do you wear Crocs? not really, that's ashley's thing
9) What do you smell like? Pink and shampoo
10) What's your favorite Gatorade flavor? I would have to say glacier blue
11) Whats your favorite thing to have on your bed? Pillows, lots of them
12) What's the nicest text in your inbox say? I love you!
13) Do you tend to make relationships complicated? no I don't think so
14) Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone? No
15) What was the last movie you went to see? Street kings. Mmm keanu :)
16) Do you have Justin Timberlake music on your iPod? Like two songs yes
17) Do you like your hair? Some days
18) Can you sleep in jeans? yeah
19) Are you a cuddler? most definitely, I love it
20) Something you just don't understand? life in general
21) Where were you on July 4th, 2007? Wow, not too sure on that
22) What's something interesting that happened to you today? Woke up around 1 30
23) What's the last concert you went to? Three Days Grace. They rock my world!
24) Who was the last person you talked to on instant messegner? Chris
25) What is the last thing you bought someone? Mothers day card for mom
27) Do you trust people easily? No, I have trust issues
28) Do you say "dawg"? Lol heck no
29) What are you proud of? Nothing I can think of
30) Have you ever dated someone named Derrick? No
31) Who was last to cook for you? Someone at frankies. :)
32) When you sleep do you dream about heroin addictions? i have weirdly enough
33) Do you care what others think about you? to an extent
34) Do you think you'll be married in 10 years? happily married hopefully.
35) Will you ever hug the last person you hugged again? yes, they are family
36) What do you look forward to in the next 3 months? Ash come home!

May 6, 2008

RIP


Its sad when people you know, became people you knew... And when you can walk right past someone that at one point in your life was a big part of your life... And how you used to be able to talk to them for hours about the little nothings in life... and now you can barely look at them.... It's funny how many people have posted this. Guess we're all in the same boat, missing someone.. be honest...if you really miss someone, a friend, a lover, or a family member right now...& can't get them off your mind.

The future

Today I started thinking about my scars and my body. Thinking about how I will explain it to my husband, how much I hate my body. How addicted I am to blades, blood and pain. My weird addiction I have for pain. Not too much pain, but just the joy it brings. If that makes sense. I enjoy bringing a weird sense of pain on myself. Whether it is burning cutting or even picking at scabs as sick as that sounds. And then I start to think, how will I talk to my kids about it? But still I do it anyway.

May 5, 2008

Well this sucks

So I have ben writing my novel for almost two years now, and somehow I have lost the latest full version on a disk somewhere. Strangely enought, I found the beginning part on one computer, and another part on another computer. What sucks is that I am missing one important chapter and can't complete the story without it. And of course I don't have the rought copy either so I am stuck until it is found. Lame.

Apr 28, 2008

Again I go

I cut today, haven't done it in months. oh well, it needed to be done

Apr 25, 2008

Days of pain

It has been exactly one week since I broke my tailbone, and it still hurts. Sitting hurts, sleeping hurts, and I am always tired, so I never want to do anything. Nothing ever made it feel better, and it has been driving me crazy.

Apr 19, 2008

It just hurts

Well yesterday while babysitting, i fell down a flight me stairs on my butt. It hurt so bad, i just knew it was broken. So today i went online and read a few sites about broken tailbones. And from what it said, i know that i had broken mine. It also said that it takes at least 6 weeks to heal. That is gonna suck :p its freakin painful, when it happened, i didn't know whether to cry or scream. So i laughed hysterically. Still when it hurts the only thing i can do is laugh. It hurts to move, shift, sit, stand, laydown. Yay for my first broken bone, too bad it had to be my butt.

Mar 28, 2008

Snow

Moments after the previous pic, you cant see the mountain

Mar 11, 2008

Ashley

Ugh ashley is getting on my nerves just about as much as amber is. They call eachother all the time, always texting, and when we are at her house they never pay attention to me. Its like i don't exist in the relationship. It's rediculous.

Mar 10, 2008

Amber

Wow i know amber is my best friend, but there are so many things that i cant stand about her. Like the way she mocks me and ash for not, oh i dont know, for not being sexualy active. And she acts like we know nothing about anything sexual. I mean, sure we are way different than her, but it doesnt mean she has to treat us like we are innocent. And then there is the thing where she chooses our emotions for us and pretends that she knows what and how we are feeling. It pisses me off. Plus she doesn't ever pay attention to me, its like ash is her new best friend. And they wonder why i never want to go to here house. I mean you wouldn't want to either if they ignored you like they ignore me. It is so freakin annoying. It almost makes me hate her.

Mar 1, 2008

FW:Hell of a day

Wow well today was a strange day. I had the urge to kill myself the moment i woke up. It was interesting, not to mention i found out that the guy i have been talking to online is an ass. Chris hasn't been talking to me that much.

Feb 28, 2008

SIAD

Hey Readers, March First is coming up quick, and you may or maynot know this, but March 1st Is Self-Injury Awarness Day, and As a SI person, I am gonna post the web site for those with questions. www.lifesigns.org.uk/siad/

Feb 20, 2008

Terriyaki Town

Dinner with amber the kids, ash and laura for eli's birthday party dinner

Happy birthday weeze




Eli before her big Birthday Party! Yay for being 1 year old!

Feb 18, 2008

Nintendo ds

Ashley's frustration while playing mario on the ds was hilarious. After hours of playing time she finally made it to world 2. Lol owned

Worry and pain

Sometimes i worry too much about the things that could happen instead of the things that are likely to happen. Like getting close to someone just scares me because of the fact that i could get hurt but dont trust myself enough, or other people enough to actually get hurt in the first place. Thats what bothers the people around me. I cant open my heart enough to let someone in. I need to find a way out of this problem

Feb 2, 2008

Tattoo design

I drew this flower on my friends back just for fun

Feb 1, 2008

I cut for the first time in months