changes.. maybe

So the other night i was having a really hard night bealing with life and the men in my life. I got to just talk for a few hours about all that is and has been going on and my cousin really got what i was talking about. He helped me realize that maybe waiting around for "him" is what is holding me back in more than one way. He treats me a way i know i deserve better than. i was asked if i had someone else worth my time.. and you know what after thinking about it i realized there is. B has been in my life alot longer than C and has never hurt me or even made me feel less than what i am. He treats me like he loves me.. he tells me he loves me every day and tells me i deserve the world. I am the one who is always holding back, i am the one who is hurting myself and my chances of finding happiness. C makes and breaks promises, but with B im always the one backing out, my feelings for him have always been way to strong for me to deal with and i think im ready to start breaking down the walls i have put up around my feelings for him.

Dreams

I had an amazing dream about him last night. he did everything i know he will never do in real life. it wasn't a sex dream, just a dream full of my hopes and dreams. He was perfect. the way i always see him. I don't think i could ever not love him. yes he has his many faults but to me sadly he can do no wrong. he has told me what is in his heart and he has never acted on anything. so there is only hope that one day he will. one day..

Douche

Ok so haha surprise surprise Chris never showed up Tuesday to go to the movies. In fact he hasn't returned any texts or IMs sense last Wednesday when he made the plan. And I know he is ignoring me because he has responded to my sisters texts. But seriously why even attempt an apology if you don't plan on following through with it?! Seriously! Ugh! What the hell!

feelings

I still have pretty mixed feelings about last night. things and emotions are just flowing through me. Because even if i do like Steve, the feelings i have for Chris are much stronger and more vast. Seeing him last night... seeing him anytime makes me remember everything i like about him. even if he is a total ass at times. Some days i hate myself for liking/loving him. knowing he doesn't feel the same way, what if i had asked Chris out instead of Steve? i enjoy Steve's company, but honestly i think i would have felt, not only safer, but i think i would have enjoyed myself more. i just wish i was the person who would ask how chis felt about me going on a date with Steve, Even more i wish Chris was the kind of person who would tell me how he felt if i did ask

Things I hate about you

I Hate the way I could never hate you.
I hate the way you looked at me.
I hate the way I fell for you.
I hate the way your hand felt in mine.
I hate the way you made me feel.
I hate the way you touched me.
I hate the way we talked.
I hate the nights I cried.
I hate the way you lied to me.
I hate the times we fought.
I hate the way we always made up.
I hate the way I was never good enough.
I hate the way it was always her.
I hate the way I was never yours.
I hate the times we were together.
I hate the times we werent.
I hate the way you made me laugh.
I hate the way your lips felt on mine.
I hate the way you said you loved her.
I hate the way you said you loved me.
I hate everything about you...
But most of all, I hate that I still love you.
But I know that I dont want you any more