So another night of disappointed hopes last night. I was on day two of not talking to him and he decided to text me. He asked what I was doing and he asked if I wanted to go for a walk. He chose the time and he asked what we should do on our walk.
Five minutes from when our chosen meet time I text him to remind him to bring my gloves because they have been there for over a month. Only then did he tell me he couldn't go. Something to do with work in the morning. :( I was pissed. Not only had I told my mom I was going I had to convince my mom to let me go. She hates him and what he does to me. I don't blame her either.
He text me saying he knows he sucks and that getting into bed was cold. I was like wtf I could have kept him warm. Ugh life is soo... Not awesome

Ok so here's what I don't get. How is it that girls that are HUGE are always the girls with husbands and babies? What about the girls who are goodlooking and not completely obese? Where are the guys that don't want the sticks or the whales? I mean yeah there are a few lucky girls my size but if you think about it not many do..

Wheres that person who would drop everything and come to my aid? do i have that person? i haven't met them yet.. will i ever have that person.. the one who can be there no matter what... sure people say they can be that person but they never are..

New blood

Cut. For the first time in a while. Feels amazing. Don't care how horrible it is. Not tonight. Tonight I need it

F Family time

There is sooo much hate running thought me tonight i could scream or hurt someone.. my parents demanded "family dinner" which only consists of manditory staying in the effinghouse.. even though when we talked at lunch time i told mom we had plans tongiht.. F that.. i have enough food in my fridge to last me 2 days.... just watch me stay in my room some happy effing family time

I weighed myself yesterday. 195.6. I haven't been this low since sophmore year. And honeslty, I feel bigger at 195 than I did at 238. How sick is that? My clothes still don't fit the way I want them too and some clothes fit worse not sure why. Some days I feel skinny other days I feel enormous. Enormous outweighs the skinny most days

I have been on the brink of tears all day and after tonight I just wanna lock myself in a dark room and cry. I'm done

Things I Want In My Life

Things I Want In My Life in no particular order

~Someone to be afraid of losing me
~to feel butterflies when I kiss someone
~Someone to crave me the way I crave him
~to not be in fear of my future
~to be a mother
~to be a wife
~a real romance
~Someone who waits by the phone for my texts or phone calls
~someone who can make me feel like I am the only one in the room
~a man who will speak his mind about what he wants and will make the first move, who is not scared of offending me
~to feel home in my own body
~I want to be and feel healthy
~to run a marathon
~Read every book i own at least once
~weigh 180lbs or less
~not to have to be alone
~to not worry about money
~someone who inspires me
~a man who loves me no matter what my body looks like
~a guy who isn't ashamed to be with me around his friends and family

SO we went for a walk last night, it was a boring saturday and we were both bored at home so i suggested we go for a walk. and we did! we walked to the park, then the lake and we stayed there to talk, it was nice. he didnt touch me at all tho :( he looked like he wanted to but nothing... it was weird we even headed back early and ended with a hug.

Problem with working full time at a Daycare? All the littles boys love you but none of the big ones do..

Its breaking bit by bit, in an endless crumble tied from your lack of emotions to my over abundance. It beats but only in that sick hope that you will come back, back again only to cause it more pain. You are the one thing i cant let escape my heart even when it knows to beat for you is wrong.

alone

Every day he breaks my heart a little bit more and more. can the monitor sense that? can it hear my heart breaking bit by bit?
We said we'd meet up tonight at 9. all day he was telling me he couldn't wait, he wanted 9 to come now. but at 9 he didn't come, at 10 he didn't come. I don't know why but i honestly thought he would. :( i haven't heard from him in almost 2 hours and its killing me. I told my mom he didn't show, and she told me i need to give up on him. trust me i want to... i just cant

mederma

got some mederma the other night, gonna try it on a few of my darker scars just to see if it will work.. have you tried it? is it effective?

Thats it! Im a horrible person, im a whore! who knew you could be a whore and a virgin at the same time? today without even saying anything i got a picture of 2 different guys dicks to my phone within 15 minutes of eachother. now i admit i was totally turned on by it but still, what is it about guys who want to fool around or talk of fooling around but never want anything else with me? I have been told by a few guys that i have a few sexual talents but is that all i want them to know about me? why cant i get to know a guy without bringing sexual tension in

how do i tell her?

What is it that scares me so much about telling my mom the truth? we used to stay up for hours with me just talking and telling her everything. I don't even know what changed in me to make me stop talking to her. I tried tonight. i walked into her room and stood in front of her chair and looked at her. she was bust knitting and barely even noticed me, but i wanted to tell her. I needed to tell her, i just couldnt. I couldnt even tell her i kissed the guy i have been in love with for 7 years. the guy she knows i liked and maybe even still knows i like him. maybe she questions what i have done with him and is scared to ask. but really, how do i even bring it up when i havent honestly told her anything about my personal life in years.. where to start?

So I started my period today. Ugh as if I didn't feel gross enough I had to start it. My body hates me. I sware it has it in for me. I had the perfect chance to be alone with him this weekend and this happens. UGH!

"yeah well... you killed your sister"

words i have heard before but at the time they have never hurt more. never did i think i would hear that from him. we were having a light hearted conversation and i know he didnt mean it to hurt me but the second he said it set a ping in my heart that has reverberated deep and lasted days.
I was a twin in the womb but only i survived and took up all the space.. i drown her to save myself basically. can you go to hell for killing someone before you are even born?

I'm tired of being the girl guys see as a friend and only a friend. I want a guy to actually love to miss me when I'm gone hell I want a guy who thinks about me as much as I think about him

I've heard that men are like fine wine. They being as grapes and its up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. Me I just want to do the stomping
-Get a clue, Jill Shalvis

Seriously so mad right now I kinda want to throw up

Ok FACT! I hate people and need to get away from everyone. I feel like in gonna explode! When people pick a fucking time to meet when they are the ones who are like oh no this time works better. And then they text at said time only to say they are just leaving makes me want to shoot people. I fucking stranded here people! You are my ride where the hell are you!?!

Im pretty sure Im a horrible person. im two different people and when they both think or feel at the same time i get a little sick. One is the good mormon girl who knows what os right and what isnt. she knows that treating her body like this and doing the things she does will only lead to hard times. when girl number two comes in and is all for the partying and the inappropriatness with boys and life and she loves it. she craves it like a drug. lately girl number 2 has been making her stand and in a way she seems to be winning the fight. honestly i dont know who i want to win.

you wonder why i said no lights? i dont want you to see the proof of how much i hate myself..

we walked hand in hand down to the beach in the rain through the dark trail. went to the waters edge just in time for the clouds to part and the huge moon shine. "Wow thats beautiful." he says looking at the sky then down at me. "I mean can i kiss you." wow never thought that was how it would go down, but in my book he gets an A.

Oh and kissing him was a new years resolution. Win =me

While kissing he bit me and gave me a fat lip. Best fat lip I have ever had haha

Last night

Last night I did things with him I thought I could only dream about. I didn't have sex but more happened then I have ever done. I first kiss started on the beach. I don't know why but I like kissing more than I enjoy it. Weird I know. He did things to me I am still sore from :) in a good way.

How is it he can love every inch of my body and I can't?

my Top 2 Most Emabarrassing moments

1: when I was maybe 12 or 13 i went to a water park with my aunt and cousin for a day of fun. My cousin is quite a bit younger than me and needed someone to ride with her. so i did. it was one of those rides that whips around really fast in all kinds of directs. well anyway, when we got to the front of the line the guy told me i could ride because I was pregnant. at the time i weighed no more that 145lbs and had size D breasts in a loose fit shirt. after i told him i wasn't pregnant and that i was only 13 he apologized and let me on. but people watched me.. it was horrible had to be my most embarrassing moment yet.

2: The moment i told my best friend I was in love with him. He was having a bad day and asked why people in general liked him. I started out with a few things i like about him and he was ok with it, but when i told him there was more he wass speachless. He was okay with it at first but after that he stopped textin me as much and we started to hang out even less than we were before whichh was hardly at all anyway. Its been 2 years and our relationship has almost recovered at one time but has dwinfled down to basically nothing, he doesnt even respond to texts anymore. He broke my heart.

Everyday when I think of who I am or who I have become I want to throw up

i always forget how much healing hurts. especially deep wounds. the itching the burning the inflammation the irritability i get during this time. healing = crawling in my skin

Survey time

[ ]I have eaten more than 5 meals a day.
[X] I have read a lot of books.
[ ] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[ ] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[ ] I have been to Canada.
[X] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[X] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[X] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[ ] I have been snowboarding/skiing.
[X] I have played ping pong.
[X] I swam in the ocean.
[ ] I have been on a whale watch.
[X] I have seen fireworks.
[X] I have seen a shooting star.
[X] I have seen a meteor shower.
[X] I have almost drowned.
[ ] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
[X] I have listened to one cd over & over & over again.
[X] I have had stitches.
[ ] I have been on the honor roll.
[ ] I have had frostbite.
[ ] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there
[X] I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects.
[X] I currently have a job.
[X] I have been ice skating.
[X] I have been rollerblading.
[X] I have fallen flat on my face.
[X] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[ ] I have been in a fist fight.
[X] have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
[X] I have watched the power rangers.
[X] I do/did attend Church regularly.
[X] I have played truth or dare.
[X] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[X] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[X] I've lost weight since one year ago.
[X] I've called someone stupid. And meant it.
[X] I've been in a verbal argument.
[X] I've cried in school.
[ ] I've played basketball on a team.
[ ] I've played baseball on a team.
[ ] I've played football on a team.
[ ] I've played soccer on a team.
[ ] I've done dance on a team.
[ ] I've played softball on a team.
[ ] I've played volleyball on a team.
[ ] I've played tennis on a team.
[ ] I've been on a track team.
[X] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[ ] I've bungee jumped.
[ ] I've climbed a rock wall.
[X] I've lost more than $20.
[X] I've called myself an idiot.
[X] I've called someone else an idiot.
[X]I've cried myself to sleep.
[X] I've had (or have) pets.
[X] I've owned a Spice Girls cd.
[X] I've owned a Britney Spears cd.
[X] I've owned an *NSYNC cd.
[X] I've owned a backstreet boys cd.
[ ] I've mooned someone.
[X] I've sworn at someone in authority.
[ ] I've been in the newspaper.
[ ] I've been on TV
[ ] I've been to Hawaii.
[ ] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[X] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[X]I've watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[ ] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[ ] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[X] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[X] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[ ] I've been stuffed into a locker.
[ ] I've been called a geek.
[X] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[ ] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[X] I've hugged my mom with the past 24 hours.
[ ] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[X] Ive met a celebrity/music artist.
[X] I've written poetry.
[X] Ive been attracted to someone much older than me.
[X] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[X] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[X] I've had/have siblings.
[X] Ive been to a rock concert.
[X] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[ ] I've been in a play.
[ ]I've been picked last in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked first in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
[X] I've cried in front of my friends.
[ ] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[ ] I've played Halo 2.
[ ] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[ ] I've been to Alaska.
[ ] I've been to China.
[ ] I've been to Spain.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[X] I've had a fight with someone on AIM
[X] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[X] I've had serious converstations on an IM.
[X] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me
[X] I've been forgiven.
[X] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[X] I've cried at a chick flick
[X]I've laughed at a scary movie
[ ] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[ ] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[ ] I've been to a rap concert.

Left leg star

Added a new scar tonight. That's +10

Ugh today my face my heart and my ovaries are attacking me. Not a fun day

Dreams

I had an amazing dream about him last night. he did everything i know he will never do in real life. it wasn't a sex dream, just a dream full of my hopes and dreams. He was perfect. the way i always see him. I don't think i could ever not love him. yes he has his many faults but to me sadly he can do no wrong. he has told me what is in his heart and he has never acted on anything. so there is only hope that one day he will. one day..

All I want To do today is cry. Everything seems to be weighing on my shoulders and the walls are crashing in. Lately I have had a strange mixture of fear of surgery and no fear of it. In some moments fear takes over and I want to curl into a ball and cry. other times I dont fear it at all. then there are the times i think about it and hope that something goes wrong and i die.

One of these days you will realize how big of a douche you have been and realize my world doesnt revolve around you anymore. it hasnt in years.. grow up!

i hate being a girl sometimes

i hate being a girl sometimes.. ok most of the time. this isnt a rant about my period or anything like that . its about the fact that one guy can drive my heart and my brain crazy. He talks to me in riddles and sarcasm and expects me to understand him through texts. sarcasm is super hard to get through a text. Spent most of last night texting the guy i like and i must say a few texts were honest but totally hurt because as honest as he was he still never really answered my questions.. he does that alot i have noticed, it got to the point where i was so confused and close to tears he got tired of me not getting it and told me he gave up. that was the last text i got. i must say i cried at that one. I responded a few different ways back to him. but didnt get a response until this morning. I still havent gotten the nerve to look at it yet.
I hate that as much as i dont want to i read into his crap and send myself back into agonizing orbit of my life revolving around him and ending up miserable again.

why?

Why is it he never needs me? never has? Why cant I be the one he craves? longs for? Loves? He is the one I know I could be happy with but he has never considered me.. probly never will. now thats depressing.

weight

I weighed myself for the first time in 2 weeks and I am down to 200.4 lbs. I havent weighed this much since sophomore year in highschool. The weird thing is, I feel three times as big. In highschool I loved my body. Now I'm ok with it but I see myself the size of my sister who is seriously 265 lbs. Yes I'm happy I weigh 200, but it took me 2 yes to lose 38 pounds. 238 is the most I have ever weighed. I will never be that size again.

Follow My Heart

I started a new blog about my heart and emotions i experience along with the chest pains while getting ready for surgery


http://recoveryofabrokenheartedgirl.blogspot.com/

Crawling in my skin today. Even clothes hurt. I want to scratch and itch and cry. I hate this I need to cut but silly me I took it out of my purse last week

I wish I could go back to the days when you had no clue how I felt about you.. life was easier then... no awkward silences or obvious ignorings. back when you were just my Chris and i was just the girl down the street.

The Average heart beats about 43 hundred times an hour, that's 800 thousand times a week, 9 million times in a crisp fall and 2.7 billion beats in a lifetime. Well What is an Average heart anyway? And how many beats do broken hearts get?

Im too open with some people and too closed off with others.. Its always the opposite of what i should do with that person... ugh

Why is it that the scratches hurt almost worse than the deep gashes?

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH I started my period today. omg! my body hates me! This will make tomorrow not as fun as i had hoped it would be

Why is it I feel so awkward around any guy I know I could potentially enjoy being with? Why? its so freaking annoying... Yet another thing added to the list ot reasons I hate myself.

what to do?

Sometimes i just want to cry and throw up then go to sleep forever. right now thats how i feel. How do i tell him that as much as i am aching to see him, i have an even stronger feeling i know i shouldnt.

Whats wrong with me?

ugh why do i do this to myself? I know he wants me.. he has told me day after day for the last 2 yrs and yet i never allow myself to get close to him. He excites me and scares me. Always has. I dont know if it is his forwardness or the fact that i knnow hes kinda a man whore. I know that if i am with him i will let him take over.. i will lose my boundaries and i cant let myself do that. Ugh whats wrong with me.

what a day.. I WONT CUT

So. I almost cut today. I came right to the box with my razor in it but never opened it. instead i scratched a lot. I have been jittery and crawling in my skin since like 3pm. even now there is the need to re-leave the crawling and itching. Plus my heart was pounding and fluttering all day making me light headed, along with a sore back and a headache it was not a comfortable da in my body.. not that i have had one of those in years.

Is it strange that I send long elaborate texts to your phone pouring my heart out. Knowing you phone is broken and you will never get it?

Gina

A friend of mine died this morning on her way to college in Idaho. There was a roll over accident and she was the only one who didn't make it. :( we hadn't hung out or spoken in a few years and tho I am sad, it strangely didn't effect me the way I thought it should have. There were no tears. No OMG why her? There was an omg she died. But then I went about my day.

Resolutions for 2011

I actually did quite a few of my resolutions in the last year and came close to finishing more but failed to do so.
So this year there's another list.. hopefully this year i will complete the list. So here it is in no particular order as to be finished. and i know i will most likely add ore when i think of more.

1. Find At least one form of happiness
2. Clean my room
3. Weigh less than 200lbs
4. Be kissed
5. Date the boys I have always wanted to date
6. Be the Me I know.. not the one people see
7. Paint More
8. Stop Cutting
9. Love my Body
10. Save Money
11. Have Heart Surgery
12. Be Healthier
13. Discover something new (to me)

now lest see what i can do...

New Years

SO New Years was actually one of the best i have had in a very long time. I went out with one of my cousins and a few of her friends to an Iris pub. it was great, we got there early enough to get a great table. we had dinner and then drinks... lots of drinks. And to my surprise i got hit on by a few different guys with no prospects lol. After the bar we went to Ihop for early breakfast and then back to my cousins house where i crashed on her bedroom floor. Sadly i dont sleep very well when i am drunk, nor do i sleep well in other peoples houses.

Father issues... not daddy issues.. he hasnt been my "daddy " in years

I Hate my dad.. An I the only one? I just dont trust him. Growing up there were a few people who had the nerve to tell me what a creepy person he is. And deep down im pretty sure thats part of why i hate him. He creeps me out. Hes very huggy and I dont like that. he hasn't hugged me in years because I wont let him close enough to do it. I cant even feel comfortable around him in my house. I wear layers and coats when he is around.
I dont only not like him because of his creepiness... its almost everything that sets me off. Hes Old i get that but him forgetting every little thing, and never remembering where his glasses or his phone are.. He has lost or destroyed 4 cameras and 2 computers and yet is always asking for a new one which i refuse to get him because i don't think he deserves anymore technology when he is only gonna kill it, lose it, or ask for help every 5 seconds.
His voice gets under my skin and makes me want to scream! its like when someone starts to scratch your back and then stops seconds later. it leaves that annoying need for either more or something different.. with him its always the need for something different. Or (i know I'm crazy) the way he knockks on my door... just two knocks but just hearing it i know who it is and makes me annoyed in the long seconds it takes him to open my door. Or like how this week i have then entire week off from work so i was like "Sweet! I can sleep in!" I haven't been able to sleep in once because of him. He talks so freaking loud that anything e says wakes me up.. and he has the undying urge to knock on my door every other fucking morning at 830...830! who the hell wants to wake up on their day off AT 830! ugh even now, just hearing his voice in the other room makes me crawl in my skin and want to scream...I hate it! I HATE HIM!

talking about it again

Mom started talking to me about my cutting again and about how she was watching some show where the girl was saying she cut to get rid of the anxiety. So of course mom had to talk to me about it and how the girl said it hurt alot but in a goodway... DUH! ugh i hate when mmy mom tries to talk about my issues she only makes me awkward.

He established contact first

C instant messaged me tonight around 10:30 and asked where i was because he was thinking of going for a walk. i told him he was crazy because it is snowing, his excuse was that his house was colder than it was outside so he was gonna go... i told him i never got dressed today and didnt really want to get dressed just to go out and get cold. he decided to go anyway. I told him to contact me tomorrow if he was feeling up to it.. the thing is, i know he wont.. thats who he is. If i dont go with him the first night, he gets over it and probly wont talk to me for another few months. I just dont understand his logic and puzzle wondering if he even considers us friends.. If he does choose to hang out tomorrow night i may get to cross a resolution off my list from this year that i didnt think could happen. we will see.

Wtf its snowing again. man I hate the snow.. yes its pretty but i hate the whole having to live in it crap

Merry Chrsitmas

Merry Christmas Bloggers! I hope you have a great day! Mine is just beginning and if all goes to plan it will be a nice day. Im not usually a Christmas person because i find it to be a rather depressing holiday and i usually get forced into something. Lets Hope it doesnt happen this year.
I sent out only two christmas cards this year. one to my best friend in georgia and the other to the guy i would love to date if it werent for the 3hrs between us. i sent gift cards in both and didnt tell either that i was sending them. two days ago i got a text telling me he was speachless and that he didnt send me anything. i told him it was fine, i was thinking of him. Hes adorable.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, Right now would be one of those moments. Not even sure why. Its almost 1am and still not tired and have no one to talk to. where are my night time friends that talk to me all through out the nights? are they sleeping or are they out doing something awesome?

Christmas Eve

Its Christmas Eve once again and for once in a wat I am excited. Tonight we are going to my best friends house and having an Avitar christmas movie night because there are a few different people who havent seen it yet and her family slways sits around and watches movies on christmas eve. this year we got invited! She is amazing, and I love her family!

for u

I made you a card. What it didn't say was I love you.

who needs goal jeans when i have goal panties.. and i fit them! I fit them the way i should too! its a good day, i bought them a long time ago and now i finally get to wear them! woot!ok yeah i fit my goal jeans too. but next goal jeans will be even better, and like 4 sizes smaller

another reason to cry

I cried infront of my mother yesterday. I never do that. I just broke down in front of her. Our family has been having financial issues alot this year and with the recent dr appointments and news that i need another heart surgery my mind has been racing and it has made me constantly nauseous knowing that my health issues are adding to our constant falling behind on bills. I told her what was on my mind. that I was worried about our money situation if i have surgery this year, yeah it is a must for me to live but i cant put my family even more in debt. SHe told me that the insurance should cover the entire thing as long as i get it dont before i am 26. that gives me 3 years. and if it doesnt happen before then i either need to marry someone with wonderful health insurance or find some of my own... IM SCREWED either way if it doesnt happen before im 26. just another reason to cry

health

Some that stab. some that ache. some that radiate. some that stay and then there's those that take my breath away. Its all my heart does, adds beats, skips them. even jumps. Nothing normal about it, its a constant ache or pain. Some days it moves me, i find myself rocking to the pound of my inconstant heart.

I had a cardiology appointment last Friday and they told me surgery is gonna have to happen again soon. we are setting up an appointment in march with every cardiology dr i have ever had and we are gonna determine how to fix everything. so far we know there are two huge parts the at need fixing soon. they say it could be two small surgeries or one huge one. im opting for the huge one to get it done all at once. mom is freaking out more than i am.. i mean after my last surgery when i was 11 we knew i would need another one within the next 15 yrs and it almost is 15yrs so i knew it was coming.

Tuesday morning three am and I can't seem to sleep again. Finished my book and watched a movie. Still no sign of sleep. Work comes in five hours, will I make it? Of course. That's what I do. I need to find someone to hold me through the night who is ok with just sleeping. I need a sleep buddy.

One day

One day my prince will come.. And when he does I will punch him in the arm and ask him what took so long

Sometimes I get so scared of life I can't help but want to cry.

need

I have the undying need to take a Brillo pad to my face. Not sure why, I just need to!

what is it?

It's not just the cutting that is the addiction. It's the scars the scratches the burn of the healing it's that fact that for a short while I know I am actually feeling.

Pick pick pick

Today was actually an ok day. Had a nice family dinner at my aunts house.
When we got home tho, I automatically started picking at my face and my body. I now have red marks and scratches all over my face.
Also my cuts have started healing. Its got to be my second favorite part about cutting, the healing.. The itching that's always needing to be scratched and the heat the emanates from it. I kinda love it.

10.5 inches of snow. Ugh

Warning +9

Today I don't know what happened. It was an ok day. I have had my blade in my purse for months and haven't touched it. But tonight I don't know, I just neeed it.

3 am

It's 3 am and I woke up from a dream that almost had me in tears and wanting to throw up. I was getting harassing mail from a company I have repeatedly told I want to unsubscribe to. I still have thy sick feeling and it's like my body refuses to go back to sleep. Ugh! I just want to feel better about everything.

urges

I totally have the urge to take a lighter so my hair. I feel the need to just do something destructive.

Love

Last night I had a night that made me enjoy life for a few hours. I got to spend. With my best friend and her husband. On our way home from our evening she was telling me about a night she had spent with her daughter. She had been sitting in the living room reading when her daughter came in feeling glum and sat next to her. She could tell there was something wrong and had the overwhelming feeling that she needed to say something. So she leaned over, kissed her on the head and said "one day a boy is going to love you the way your father loves me" and her daughter burst into tears. They then continued to talk and unload for the next few hours. I can only hope/strive to have someone love me the way she and her husband love each other. It breaks my heart to think of a life without that kind of love.

Update-ish

I hate/love that I have been doing this to myself for the last decade, will it get better or worse as life goes on? from what I hear it gets better for most but I honestly don't think I am part of the "most" in this case. In the last 6 yrs alone life has been one crisis after another driving me deeper into my hole of a life.

The other day after work and a few other stress inducing things I went to my room and hurt myself. Only I didn't cut, and it didn't hurt. I took my moms Pumas stone/foot grater and attacked my calve and the top of one of my hands. It felt amazing, a new release I haven't felt in a while, not even from cutting. It was strange in a way.

Tonight I have plans to get out of the house without my family. I need it soo much, lately if I'm not at home I'm at work or babysitting. Even on downtime I feel overwhelmed and stressed. Even my family makes me want to scream and crawl out of my skin.

Lately I have also been dealing with harassing phone calls from a company who claims i owe them for things i never ordered or even agreed to. its so bad they even call my sister somehow. I sent in a report claiming i never agreed or even wanted anything from them nor did i accept anything from them so i refuse to do anything with them. but they keep calling.

ugh as if i wasnt stressed enough with work now this has me nauseous and stressed constantly.

its been.

It has been 148days sinse I last cut and to tell you the truth I have thought about cutting almost every day. I have even picked up the razor a few times and held it there but did nothing. I'm not saying I didn't want to, it's just that I knew I wouldn't want to clean up everything. I would let it blee an rub it away instead of clean it. I have been getting lazy about alot of it. Like the other day I got cut at work, I just kept rubbing the blood until it decided to stop bleeding. By then, not only was my hand covered in dry blood but so was that part of my leg. I stared at it a bit before even thinking of washing it off. I know it's gross and weird, but I kinda like it.

it was my birthday

This week was my 23rd birthday. It was actually one of the best I have had in years. We had a big family thing at a local pub. It was great. The last two week have been hard on my body, I have ha shingles for the last 14 to 20 days. Luckily it is cleared up now. It hurt like hell and at one point I scratched it and it hurt so bad I threw up. It was horrible.

i have lost nothing

i couldnt do it. i paniced. he didnt say he was upset but i could tell. only i havent heard from him since then. yet im strangly not hurt my him ignoring me

Chance

So I may or may not lose my virginity tomorrow. He asked if I wanted to come over and hang out after work. I said yes. And this time I plan on actually hanging out, not flaking out. I have thought about it at great lengths, and I realize that as much as I want this I know that I may also freak out after. I may like myself better, I may hate myself, I may cry, I may ignore the world. There are a billion outcomes built up inside me ready to show their freakish heads.

Contemplation

Sitting contemplating life today. Not in a suicidal way but in a what have I truly done with my life kind of way. Here I sit 22 soon to be 23 and where am I headed? I live with my parents rent free but that's because I pay bills for them. I have had a constant job for 11 months now and may not have a job by the end of the month if I do not finish my requirements. Let it be known they were supposed to be done within the first six months of me working here but my boss is kinda flexible. So now I'm cramming in 20hrs of online classes which so far has taken me 15 hrs to do half. And I have to have the rest done by thursday. So on top of cramming that in needing my food handlers permit by the 19th and my boss harping on me constantly.. Because of me freaking out. I am also lacking on my church calling. I have been so stressed about losing my job I'm letting other things fall to the wayside. I'm freaking out. And on top of everything I'm single not for the lack of trying. I haven't had a serious relationship in forever and even when I did I wasn't as into it as the guys have been. I have serious issues in that department. I'm a virgin. Yes I have had a few different sexual encounters but nothing life changing. And none of these encounters have been with guys I actually felt something for, they were guys it was convenient to be with as sad as it is. And yes I have. List of 2 or 3 guys I would be willing to lose the big V to but those choices are unrealistic considering we are "friend zone" friends. The kind of friend where there is a spark every once and a while but neither of us has enough balls to do anything about it. Im a fucking pansie when it comes to love or even affectiong.

dreaming

Last night I dreamed I was dead. Wanna know the best part? You were inside my heaven.

talked with J last night for 3 hours on instant messenger. i hate that he lives like 3hours away, we pretty much will never get to hang out which sucks because he is amazing and about as self conscious as i am if not more.

Im Home!

after a week and a half of vacation away from my family i am home and in a way i am happy but in another way i wish i had done more

feeling

The sick thing is I want him to touch me an make me feel good again.

fuck

Fuck! So I am staying at my bestfriends house for the next week... And he brother.... Years ago while I was sleeping started touching me. Then yrs later I went on an awkward date that ended in him wanting to take me to the park at one am but me refusing so he brought me home. Not for lack of trying. Then here I am at their house and what do I do? I put myself in that same predicament. I don't know why I let myself be alone with him. After my friend had decided to go to sleep her brother came and asked if I wanted to watch a movie. Stupidly I said yes. It started out casual and harmless. Then he noticed I was freezing and got me a blanket. Only he got under too, he was right on my side saying it was to keep me warm. I wa ok with that. But then he strattled his leg over mine and started rubbing my arms slightly touching my breast. Only instead of stopping him I let him continue. I don't even know why but oddly enough I was kinda turned on by this touch and scared of it at the same time. Only I didn't stop him. A Half hour later he got a little more vigorus. Stupidly I told him I didn't care that he was groping me but I was not going to have sex an he agreed he was ok with that. when the movie ended he started kissing me and again I went along with it. Then he started going under my clothes and I let him ILETHIM! Ugh! WTF is wrong with me. We kissed he rubbed and took over. There was no sex but it got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore so I sat up and told him I was going to sleep. He was left confused in his room as I went to mine. Automatically I regret and fear what happened. Am I going to have to be the girl who tells him it was fun but we can't do it again. And I won't do it again, it is too weird. I'm here for five more days. Hopefully our days will be filled or outcof the house. Ugh! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn it

Damn it. It took me 6 months to get over him and i made it two months without thinking about him everyday. And now I think I';m in the same pit yet again. Only this time I know he likes me because he said so. Only now he ignores that fact and is doing what he did before UGH! Wtf!

He Likes Me... finally

So Im scared he is in like with me.. for once I dont think I can resipricate. I mean I want to, but its been nine months and he honestly hurt me when he dropped me from his life. I think the worst part is that knowing who I am, I will let him rule me again and break me Again. In our five yr friendship not once has he called me, we have always been text friends. but Yesterday he called me! I was in a meeting when he called and didnt leave a message, but he left like 4 texts saying he was waiting for me. then when I tried to contact him he never got back to me. UGH

wow he never seases to amaze me

We were talking all night about hanging out and when he finaly decided on a time it was 12:30in the morning and I waited ten minutes after he said he was heading over before I even left the house. I waited another 5 outside the text him telling him that mom didn't want me to go because she really didn't she and dad both told me they didn't like me going out after midnight. But anyway he was pretty much mocking me for being 22 and havin my mom tell me what to do. When just the other night his mother wouldn't let him leave. But anyway once I went back inside I text him again asking what took him so long. He said he was cleaning up his room an changing clothes. And said somethig about me being caged by my mom. When I told him he was just as caged as I was he got weird. He was saying he tells her to fuck herself daily. And then he said the thing that threw me he said " if I told her I was interested in you my life would go further offthe end like sputnik". So I asked him hy she would care so much but all he wrote back was " lol good night. Find the bands song (wait)". I was and still am so confused. Was this his way of saying he likes me?

oh!

Oh! I cut my hair at work last weekend. I was bored and could run my fingers through my hair so I took the scissors and cut three inches off. And it looks pretty good too

mother

My mother I always trying to talk to me about my cutting. The other night she randomly started talking to me about something she saw on tv about a girl who actually cut fat out of her legs by herself! While I love/need cutting I can't imagine doing that to myself. Ew.

midnight walks with him

I have been talking to him again for the last week or so. It has been six months since we last talked or even hung out. Not for my lack of trying. He finally decided to answer. We had talked about hanging out soon last week then today he told me he was bored at home with his parents and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. This was at 10:45pm so o course I said yes. I walked over to his house just intime for him to come outside to meet me. He has changed a bit, he has grown his hair even longer, gained weight even in his hands. Those hands that were one of my favorite of his body parts. now dont get me wrong its not the weight that threw me, its that for once while i was still slightly scared to be alone with him i felt no romantic feelings for him. We went for a walk to te lake. On the trail there he mentioned how he has already noticed how I have changed. He said it was a good thing. I told him there are things I got over and new things that terrify me. And he said it was understandable. We were at the lake for about an hour then we went back to his house to play pool which we played two rounds, an to watch a movie. We ended up choosing the hangover but halfway through he started snoring. I didn't wake him but a moment later he woke up and tol me he was going to walk he home before he passed out again. So we walked back to my house, did that awekward standing around for a bit then he said something about chivalry and then we said good bye. We are supposed to finish the movie tomorrow night. I ended up getting home around 2:35am. Not bad for a Chris fix

single ladies (found on letters from a lonely heart)

The life of a single woman is a whirlwind of contradictions. One minute you like a guy, the next you don’t; one day you have $2,000 in the bank, the next you’re chasing pennies around the floorboard of your car to afford a McDonald’s cheeseburger for dinner; one week you feel single and fabulous, the next you just feel lonely and mediocre. It happens to the best of us. There is no real safety net for a single woman. No fierce protector. No knight in shining armor to swoop in and scare all the bad guys away when we’re feeling picked on at work. No protective cocoon to run to when we’re feeling our inner caterpillar is outweighing our inner butterfly. We are, quite literally – single. Singular. Solo. Alone. We have moments where we look at the martini glass as half empty, then kick ourselves for doing so. We have Facebook stalking expeditions in which we scope out all our exes just to see how balding and ugly and miserable they are now, then feel somehow betrayed when they look…dare I say it?...good. We have really brave moments when we kill an enormous spider or change a tire by ourselves and we become completely convinced that all we need to do is slap an “S” on our chest and we could save the world. We dance all night with our girlfriends then ace our presentation at work the next day going on nothing but Starbucks and adrenalin (and wearing the same clothes we had on the night before). We face the condescending looks at family gatherings and high school reunions when people learn that we’re not dating anyone and pat on us like we’re their pet and say: “Oh, don’t worry. You’re surely next!” We buy hundreds of dollars in wedding gifts and baby gifts and christening gifts and bar mitzvah gifts for all of our married friends without batting an eye, knowing that this might well be the closest we ever get to a gift registry. We lose jobs and friends and parents and lovers…and sometimes have no one but our pillow to witness our tears. We fall in love - deeply, madly, passionately in love – and sometimes, they forget to love us back. Sometimes we love someone for years, without the other person even knowing we exist. We suffer in silence, hoping against hope that one day they’ll not just look at us, but really SEE us; that they’ll not just want us, but NEED us. Sometimes life offers us a second chance to get it right…and sometimes life just offers us a second chance to say goodbye. Sometimes even after all the hurt, and all the waiting, and all the hoping, and all the wishing…for reasons beyond our control, it still doesn’t work out. Sometimes you just know you know the only way to be true to YOU is to let him go. If we’re lucky, we have a best friend to reflect our hearts back to us and show us our strength when we’ve lost our way. And if we’re REALLY lucky, we have 46,000 incredibly brave, sassy, independent, beautiful, strong honorary best friends to inspire us to be a better version of ourselves…to walk our talk…to live up to a higher standard…and to never lose the faith that someday, some way, amidst all the many frogs, our Prince Charming will emerge and sweep us off into our Happily Ever After. This, my dear friends, is my way of saying thank you. Thank you for believing in what I have to say. Thank you for continuing to faithfully follow me. Thank you for keeping me on my toes and inspiring me to be the very best woman that I can be. And most of all, thank you for making me so incredibly proud to call myself a single woman. I am certainly in good company among you. And here’s the good news…for you, for me, for all single women. We are tough. We are bold. We are fierce. We are a force to be reckoned with. We face the world the single way every single day…and we don’t back down. We don’t let the idea of going to a movie alone intimidate us. We don’t let the threat of bumping into an ex stop us from going to the most fabulous party in town with our head held high. We walk a path that many women will never have to walk…a path that forces us to constantly step out of our comfort zones…a path that a majority of the women we grew up with and acted as bridesmaids for will never have to walk. The journey of a single woman is not an easy one – but we welcome the danger. We welcome the unknown. We embrace our freedom as the gift that it is…we pay our own way…we march to the beat of our own drum and we ask permission from no one to do so. There is a fire in the soul of a single woman that can never quite be tamed…an unwillingness to settle…an independence all our own, built from the knowledge that we can do absolutely anything without calling for backup and we can look damn good doing it. There is a wisdom we possess that comes from surviving many a broken heart…a shine to us from learning how to make an entrance into a room accompanied by no one but me, myself and I…a confidence that comes from knowing we are not afraid to fall…because each time we fall, Life presents us with another opportunity to get up and move up. We realize a happy life is more important than a happy ending…and that we don’t need a significant other to lead a significant life. And if one day, our Prince does find us, we won’t expect him to complete us, but to compliment us. Because we are strong. We are invincible. We are all…The Single Woman.

ashamed?

I know it's horrible but the only time I am ashamed of my body and what I have done to it is when I am around my family. It sucks because you are supposed to be comfortable around family, and all I want to do is hide and keep every inch coverd. It's not out of nowhere either. The other day my dad came home and was telling me about this girl we used to know and how she gained slot of weight. An when I told him I knew she had he was like " no she is HUGE!". Ok for one why an ass and two he lives in a house with three over weight ladies. And he doesn't expect me to be offended? Yeah right I already have an image problem I don't need my dad to tell me how disgusting fat girls are

i know this guy...

You know that boy who makes you smile everytime he around or even the thought of him makes your heart race? He's almost that guy. He's the guy you dont have to be scared around because he has too high of an expectation to know what you really want. He's the guy who wants ti make you happy, who wants to experience firsts with you. First love, kiss, relationship, passion. He's the guy I dream about. He is you... Whoever you are.

where?

Where is my one person to talk to? Where is the one person who understands all my babbling and crazy talk? Why the hell can't I find a guy who will even consider me and not be scared off by something weird I say?

Drunk feelings

I honestly don't feel bad about last night. I actually enjoyed the releasing of inhabitions and the taking down of sertain walls. Tho I did make it clear that if anyone touched me in my sleep or while crazy drunk I would stab them I was the one single girl out of the two girls there. There were groomsmen who by day creeped me out but by night I found rather charming and even got one to bite my wrist :) he was drunk also and was amused lol. I was asked twice that day both sober and not to have sex with him ... I refused. If I was to sleep with him it would not be on the first night or in a house with seriously 12 people in it. No thanks :)

So I got totally drunk last night. Not the first time but it was the first time I was completely smashed.