Contemplation

Sitting contemplating life today. Not in a suicidal way but in a what have I truly done with my life kind of way. Here I sit 22 soon to be 23 and where am I headed? I live with my parents rent free but that's because I pay bills for them. I have had a constant job for 11 months now and may not have a job by the end of the month if I do not finish my requirements. Let it be known they were supposed to be done within the first six months of me working here but my boss is kinda flexible. So now I'm cramming in 20hrs of online classes which so far has taken me 15 hrs to do half. And I have to have the rest done by thursday. So on top of cramming that in needing my food handlers permit by the 19th and my boss harping on me constantly.. Because of me freaking out. I am also lacking on my church calling. I have been so stressed about losing my job I'm letting other things fall to the wayside. I'm freaking out. And on top of everything I'm single not for the lack of trying. I haven't had a serious relationship in forever and even when I did I wasn't as into it as the guys have been. I have serious issues in that department. I'm a virgin. Yes I have had a few different sexual encounters but nothing life changing. And none of these encounters have been with guys I actually felt something for, they were guys it was convenient to be with as sad as it is. And yes I have. List of 2 or 3 guys I would be willing to lose the big V to but those choices are unrealistic considering we are "friend zone" friends. The kind of friend where there is a spark every once and a while but neither of us has enough balls to do anything about it. Im a fucking pansie when it comes to love or even affectiong.