Its the weekend again. Hope something good happens. Sofar nothing is planned and I plan on not going to church too. I'm kinda sick of it at the moment and have no need or want to be there.

He makes my heart skip a thousand beats. Makes me nervouse like no one else can.

Its ma birthday

Its my birthday today.

I'm 24

Sofar its been fun, we have lunch plans and dinner plans. 

I even got the day off so I got to sleep in a few more hours. It was great.

So effing tired.... ranting...

Everything seems to be getting on my nerves lately. I'm tired of people slacking and me getting in trouble for it.  I'm tired of having to tell someone to do the same tasks every freaking day and having them never catch on. I'm tired of no one listening, of never having a moment to be alone, of never knowing if someone will ever love me. I'm tired of not having better control on my life. I'm tired of my mother trying to finally set boundaaries I don't need only because I still live under her roof. I'm tired of having to pay her bills because she can't afford to. I'm tired of not having a life or atleast one I enjoy and will look back on and not hate it. I'm tired of the lame life I am living and the inabuility to be and do what feels right. I'm tired of conforming to what my mother and family think s what I should and need to be. Why can't I just be who I feel I should be?  Why cant I be the one to break down my own conformist walls and live how I crave to be?  Why you ask? Why? Because I'm a mormon. Because I hate hurting people even if it hurts me. Because being the real me would break. My mothers heart. To have another child fall away from the life she brought us up in. To have another child tell her that the life she chose for me is a life I hate and is the reason I hate her.

Why?

How can I be so heart broken and strung out over someone I never even had?

Today

Its a beautiful day today. The sun is shining and it isn't too hot. Recently its been in the 90s and I do not like that. I hate being too warm all the time, my body runs hot enough as it is. And we don't even have an air conditioner to make it even worse lol so not only an I sweaty but So is everyone else including all the kids who like to climb on you and hold you. Ugh.

Anti social

Ok so I know I have had my bouts of anti socialism in the past but lately every person I make plans with either cancels or doesn't show up. Wtf is that about? Am I that horrible to be around? C says he wants to see me but never picks or settles on a time. B is too busy working 3 jobs and being with his family. A wants to go for a walk sometime soon but not even sure if I know what to expect if I say yes.

My birthday is this week. We have a dinner planned and I honestly wouldn't be suprised if no one showed up. 

Feel the pain?

Was looking down at my leg tonight and for some reason while looking at my scars I started thinking " wow that mist have hurt really bad". I have had them for years and never really thought about the pain I went thru. For years I was in a whole different kind of pain and while they hurt I didn't really ever feel the pain. Never really understood the kind of pain u was in even while it was happening to me.

The V Card

Lost my virginity today. Not at all how I wanted it to happen but I honestly don't regret it and how it happened. I was at work... B showed but, we made out on the couch in the lobby, I was in a skirt, he took advantage of that and I didn't fight him. He has always treated me with respect and love, we had always talked about how he would take my virginity and surprisingly it happened. I don't regret it, I got it out of the way.. its done.

Crawling in my skin today, feeling very trapped, my heart is pounding and my skin hurts, the slightest movement hurts

So I am fairly certain that the pains I have been experiencing these last few weeks are caused directly from my emotions. Its not all the time my chest pains are connected to them, in fact its rare if they are. But this past months been taking a toll on me. Chris and I made a break thru, we spoke our minds and were where I thought was sturdy ground. But of course even after he says his usual amazingness. He has vanished again, it all ended with more broken promises and lots of pain on my end yet again. My heart has been aching, feeling truely broken. I'm in a constant pain and no clue how to make it better. I need him like I need air and it feels like I'm running out of breath.

walking alone through life

I was in need of a seriously good cry tonight so i took a shower, got dressed, tried to find someone to be with but no one answered so i went for a walk alone. I never go anywhere alone. at first it was liberating and wonderful, then the night came crawling in and it got terrifying and lonely. Walking while terrified and heartbroken is a hard thing to do... not to mention my fear of the unknown in the dark. not sure i will do that again. the worst part i never even got to cry, what a waste.. :(

This is one of those things that I'm already regretting.

changes.. maybe

So the other night i was having a really hard night bealing with life and the men in my life. I got to just talk for a few hours about all that is and has been going on and my cousin really got what i was talking about. He helped me realize that maybe waiting around for "him" is what is holding me back in more than one way. He treats me a way i know i deserve better than. i was asked if i had someone else worth my time.. and you know what after thinking about it i realized there is. B has been in my life alot longer than C and has never hurt me or even made me feel less than what i am. He treats me like he loves me.. he tells me he loves me every day and tells me i deserve the world. I am the one who is always holding back, i am the one who is hurting myself and my chances of finding happiness. C makes and breaks promises, but with B im always the one backing out, my feelings for him have always been way to strong for me to deal with and i think im ready to start breaking down the walls i have put up around my feelings for him.

Crying over my soup while watching Breakfast at Tiffanys.. not how i saw my night going..

For some reason we never seem to be in sync... it doesnt help that he never truely speaks his mind unless i dig, and to tell you the truth.. im sick of digging.. last night he contacted me but only spoke in short vague texts to which i refused to probe into to see what he would do. he didnt do anything, he just stopped and didnt respond all day today.. today i want to hang out but apparently since i didnt want to hang outlast night he decided he didnt want to hang out tonight. only if i dont want to i say it, if he doesnt want to he avoids it all together..

if he would have answerd his phone i would have had my way with him.

a bit weepy

Feeling a tad weepy today, still feeling ok in my skin, but weepy. It seems i could cry at the drop of a hat but that wouldnt be a first now would it lol. Is it love or depression? who knows lately they seem to have the same effect on me.

No Holding Back

Today scars are out. I haven't had them out in years. I decided today "why the hell not", people know they exist they might as well know what's there. Today I am home in my body. At last.. Let's hope it lasts.

Had a better day today, still not feeling awesomely wanted but yeah.. good night world, i love you.

Im Done

Tonight I send out a huge FUCK YOU to the world.. im dont tonight, im sick of the ones who claim to love and never show it. im sick of those who make promises and dont intend to keep them. im tired of the boys who one day make yoou feel like you are their world then treat you like the never knew you existed. im tired of those whom you serve and never get thanked. Those who applaud you to your face and shoot you down as you walk away. the ones who make your heart race and then break.. the one who makes want to fly, scream, laugh, and throw up all at the same time. Fuck YOU!

What makes someone just stop talking mid convo? especially when they started talking to you? they started the whole need for interaction? i will never understand that, its been two fucking hours and he stopped after he asked a question and i answered.. then nothing. wtf!

Then man of my dreams is suffering as his family is falling apart and he is avoiding me again! And its killing me, I want to be there for him and he won't let me.

Its impossible for it to be up to me... Whenever its up to me you rather be with or talk to anyone else in the world.

I want to cry tonight.. is that ok?
chris hasnt returned any form of communication all day and im feeling alone.

my nana is sick, she has been on kidney dialysis for over a year and isnt getting better, she has been on oxygen for even longer. last week she was feeling off at the family party and stayed in bed the whole time. then she started feeling horrible pain that made her throw up. she was admitted to the hospital sunday night and has improved very little. tomorrow they are transfering her to another facility and next week boppa is having a family meeting with all my aunts about what is gonna happen next.
for the past 10 yrs i have said i basically hate this woman because when i was young she had a stroke and became a very mean woman. but honestly, she has been my nana, the only grandmother i have that knows who i am. my other grandma is so far gone she doesnt know anyone anymore. i dont want to lose my nana, i love my nana.

Found a spot on my leg last night that didnt have any marks on it. Automatically i had the urge to have a scar there.. i didnt cut but now i feel like there is an emptiness that needs to be filled by another mark.

Just got chills and slightly turned on while watching a knife slice easily through a watermelon

Im getting away

So this week is my vacation off from work and i dont have to go back until the 6th. im soo ready. the first few days were fun but its today that i have been waiting for. I get to go spend a few days with my best friend and her husband plus i get to see a few other friends i havent seen in about a year. some of those meetings will be rather awkward but most will or should be fun.
I dyed my hair again last night its deep almost velvety red, its actually the origional color i wanted instead of the bright red i got last time.
Man hope these next few days go great i neeed some fun in my life.

Been on the brink of tears today, everything just seems to push me just that far. haven't totally cried but tears have been shed. I guess i just really need a hug. tomorrow is my first day of vacation and we are planning to go to the zoo with my brother and his family, i'm actually really excited about it we haven't ever done something with his whole family just usually his wife.

Feeling alone today, utterly and helplessly alone. It doesnt help that I an seriously the only person at my job today, alone.. must be my destiny because thats how I end up every night. Its not the weather either, I love the rain, it usually makes me happy but for some reason today it isnt. I have tried reading, napping, working, cleaning, nothing seems to work when there is no one there to fix it.
where is chris? where is the one guy who can make me feel better just by being around me, by talking to me.. where is he and why doesn he seem to be avoiding me even when he says he isnt? He is still avoiding my texts and calls. I have only attempted contact once this week and there was nothing in responce. I should be used to his lack of interest but he says he is interested just busy. I dont believe it either way but have been working on trusting him, I have been told i have trust issues lol yeah cause i didnt know that already lol.

im a cutter and its taken a long time for me to even be open about that.

its good to know who you are and i dont think im even close yet.

and its hard to love your body when its been destroyed over the years. its hard to let someone love your body too when youu see it as gross.

Always Be in Love.. Always

that has what has gotten me into trouble. constantly loving him and never getting loved in return and yet the love is there. he tells me he wants to see me but when it comes down to the time to do it or when i ask when he gets flaky and it drives me crazy only adding to my craving for him. This one way friendship is getting to me and im starting to accept that i need more friends.. other friends who arent him. this sucks

i live in fear of you one day realizing that i was never worth your time. even though it seems you already have :(

Question for whoever

Ok what's the protocol on asking a guy to have sex?

At a gathering tonight had my cousin walk up to me and say "so I know I'm family and everything but you are fucking hot" seriously didn't find it weird. Sometimes you just need to hear it even if it comes from family

ao after 13 days my period finally stopped thank goodness man i was getting sick of it. still feeling irritable and slightly crazy but the crazy is normal lately.

my period?

this is day 12 of my period.. im usually a 3-5 day girl.. this is ridiculous! should i be worried?

So another night of disappointed hopes last night. I was on day two of not talking to him and he decided to text me. He asked what I was doing and he asked if I wanted to go for a walk. He chose the time and he asked what we should do on our walk.
Five minutes from when our chosen meet time I text him to remind him to bring my gloves because they have been there for over a month. Only then did he tell me he couldn't go. Something to do with work in the morning. :( I was pissed. Not only had I told my mom I was going I had to convince my mom to let me go. She hates him and what he does to me. I don't blame her either.
He text me saying he knows he sucks and that getting into bed was cold. I was like wtf I could have kept him warm. Ugh life is soo... Not awesome

Ok so here's what I don't get. How is it that girls that are HUGE are always the girls with husbands and babies? What about the girls who are goodlooking and not completely obese? Where are the guys that don't want the sticks or the whales? I mean yeah there are a few lucky girls my size but if you think about it not many do..

Wheres that person who would drop everything and come to my aid? do i have that person? i haven't met them yet.. will i ever have that person.. the one who can be there no matter what... sure people say they can be that person but they never are..

New blood

Cut. For the first time in a while. Feels amazing. Don't care how horrible it is. Not tonight. Tonight I need it

F Family time

There is sooo much hate running thought me tonight i could scream or hurt someone.. my parents demanded "family dinner" which only consists of manditory staying in the effinghouse.. even though when we talked at lunch time i told mom we had plans tongiht.. F that.. i have enough food in my fridge to last me 2 days.... just watch me stay in my room some happy effing family time

I weighed myself yesterday. 195.6. I haven't been this low since sophmore year. And honeslty, I feel bigger at 195 than I did at 238. How sick is that? My clothes still don't fit the way I want them too and some clothes fit worse not sure why. Some days I feel skinny other days I feel enormous. Enormous outweighs the skinny most days

I have been on the brink of tears all day and after tonight I just wanna lock myself in a dark room and cry. I'm done

Things I Want In My Life

Things I Want In My Life in no particular order

~Someone to be afraid of losing me
~to feel butterflies when I kiss someone
~Someone to crave me the way I crave him
~to not be in fear of my future
~to be a mother
~to be a wife
~a real romance
~Someone who waits by the phone for my texts or phone calls
~someone who can make me feel like I am the only one in the room
~a man who will speak his mind about what he wants and will make the first move, who is not scared of offending me
~to feel home in my own body
~I want to be and feel healthy
~to run a marathon
~Read every book i own at least once
~weigh 180lbs or less
~not to have to be alone
~to not worry about money
~someone who inspires me
~a man who loves me no matter what my body looks like
~a guy who isn't ashamed to be with me around his friends and family

SO we went for a walk last night, it was a boring saturday and we were both bored at home so i suggested we go for a walk. and we did! we walked to the park, then the lake and we stayed there to talk, it was nice. he didnt touch me at all tho :( he looked like he wanted to but nothing... it was weird we even headed back early and ended with a hug.

Problem with working full time at a Daycare? All the littles boys love you but none of the big ones do..

Its breaking bit by bit, in an endless crumble tied from your lack of emotions to my over abundance. It beats but only in that sick hope that you will come back, back again only to cause it more pain. You are the one thing i cant let escape my heart even when it knows to beat for you is wrong.

alone

Every day he breaks my heart a little bit more and more. can the monitor sense that? can it hear my heart breaking bit by bit?
We said we'd meet up tonight at 9. all day he was telling me he couldn't wait, he wanted 9 to come now. but at 9 he didn't come, at 10 he didn't come. I don't know why but i honestly thought he would. :( i haven't heard from him in almost 2 hours and its killing me. I told my mom he didn't show, and she told me i need to give up on him. trust me i want to... i just cant

mederma

got some mederma the other night, gonna try it on a few of my darker scars just to see if it will work.. have you tried it? is it effective?

Thats it! Im a horrible person, im a whore! who knew you could be a whore and a virgin at the same time? today without even saying anything i got a picture of 2 different guys dicks to my phone within 15 minutes of eachother. now i admit i was totally turned on by it but still, what is it about guys who want to fool around or talk of fooling around but never want anything else with me? I have been told by a few guys that i have a few sexual talents but is that all i want them to know about me? why cant i get to know a guy without bringing sexual tension in

how do i tell her?

What is it that scares me so much about telling my mom the truth? we used to stay up for hours with me just talking and telling her everything. I don't even know what changed in me to make me stop talking to her. I tried tonight. i walked into her room and stood in front of her chair and looked at her. she was bust knitting and barely even noticed me, but i wanted to tell her. I needed to tell her, i just couldnt. I couldnt even tell her i kissed the guy i have been in love with for 7 years. the guy she knows i liked and maybe even still knows i like him. maybe she questions what i have done with him and is scared to ask. but really, how do i even bring it up when i havent honestly told her anything about my personal life in years.. where to start?

So I started my period today. Ugh as if I didn't feel gross enough I had to start it. My body hates me. I sware it has it in for me. I had the perfect chance to be alone with him this weekend and this happens. UGH!

"yeah well... you killed your sister"

words i have heard before but at the time they have never hurt more. never did i think i would hear that from him. we were having a light hearted conversation and i know he didnt mean it to hurt me but the second he said it set a ping in my heart that has reverberated deep and lasted days.
I was a twin in the womb but only i survived and took up all the space.. i drown her to save myself basically. can you go to hell for killing someone before you are even born?

I'm tired of being the girl guys see as a friend and only a friend. I want a guy to actually love to miss me when I'm gone hell I want a guy who thinks about me as much as I think about him

I've heard that men are like fine wine. They being as grapes and its up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. Me I just want to do the stomping
-Get a clue, Jill Shalvis

Seriously so mad right now I kinda want to throw up

Ok FACT! I hate people and need to get away from everyone. I feel like in gonna explode! When people pick a fucking time to meet when they are the ones who are like oh no this time works better. And then they text at said time only to say they are just leaving makes me want to shoot people. I fucking stranded here people! You are my ride where the hell are you!?!

Im pretty sure Im a horrible person. im two different people and when they both think or feel at the same time i get a little sick. One is the good mormon girl who knows what os right and what isnt. she knows that treating her body like this and doing the things she does will only lead to hard times. when girl number two comes in and is all for the partying and the inappropriatness with boys and life and she loves it. she craves it like a drug. lately girl number 2 has been making her stand and in a way she seems to be winning the fight. honestly i dont know who i want to win.

you wonder why i said no lights? i dont want you to see the proof of how much i hate myself..

we walked hand in hand down to the beach in the rain through the dark trail. went to the waters edge just in time for the clouds to part and the huge moon shine. "Wow thats beautiful." he says looking at the sky then down at me. "I mean can i kiss you." wow never thought that was how it would go down, but in my book he gets an A.

Oh and kissing him was a new years resolution. Win =me

While kissing he bit me and gave me a fat lip. Best fat lip I have ever had haha

Last night

Last night I did things with him I thought I could only dream about. I didn't have sex but more happened then I have ever done. I first kiss started on the beach. I don't know why but I like kissing more than I enjoy it. Weird I know. He did things to me I am still sore from :) in a good way.

How is it he can love every inch of my body and I can't?

my Top 2 Most Emabarrassing moments

1: when I was maybe 12 or 13 i went to a water park with my aunt and cousin for a day of fun. My cousin is quite a bit younger than me and needed someone to ride with her. so i did. it was one of those rides that whips around really fast in all kinds of directs. well anyway, when we got to the front of the line the guy told me i could ride because I was pregnant. at the time i weighed no more that 145lbs and had size D breasts in a loose fit shirt. after i told him i wasn't pregnant and that i was only 13 he apologized and let me on. but people watched me.. it was horrible had to be my most embarrassing moment yet.

2: The moment i told my best friend I was in love with him. He was having a bad day and asked why people in general liked him. I started out with a few things i like about him and he was ok with it, but when i told him there was more he wass speachless. He was okay with it at first but after that he stopped textin me as much and we started to hang out even less than we were before whichh was hardly at all anyway. Its been 2 years and our relationship has almost recovered at one time but has dwinfled down to basically nothing, he doesnt even respond to texts anymore. He broke my heart.

Everyday when I think of who I am or who I have become I want to throw up

i always forget how much healing hurts. especially deep wounds. the itching the burning the inflammation the irritability i get during this time. healing = crawling in my skin

Survey time

[ ]I have eaten more than 5 meals a day.
[X] I have read a lot of books.
[ ] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[ ] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[ ] I have been to Canada.
[X] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[X] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[X] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[ ] I have been snowboarding/skiing.
[X] I have played ping pong.
[X] I swam in the ocean.
[ ] I have been on a whale watch.
[X] I have seen fireworks.
[X] I have seen a shooting star.
[X] I have seen a meteor shower.
[X] I have almost drowned.
[ ] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
[X] I have listened to one cd over & over & over again.
[X] I have had stitches.
[ ] I have been on the honor roll.
[ ] I have had frostbite.
[ ] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there
[X] I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects.
[X] I currently have a job.
[X] I have been ice skating.
[X] I have been rollerblading.
[X] I have fallen flat on my face.
[X] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[ ] I have been in a fist fight.
[X] have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
[X] I have watched the power rangers.
[X] I do/did attend Church regularly.
[X] I have played truth or dare.
[X] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[X] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[X] I've lost weight since one year ago.
[X] I've called someone stupid. And meant it.
[X] I've been in a verbal argument.
[X] I've cried in school.
[ ] I've played basketball on a team.
[ ] I've played baseball on a team.
[ ] I've played football on a team.
[ ] I've played soccer on a team.
[ ] I've done dance on a team.
[ ] I've played softball on a team.
[ ] I've played volleyball on a team.
[ ] I've played tennis on a team.
[ ] I've been on a track team.
[X] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[ ] I've bungee jumped.
[ ] I've climbed a rock wall.
[X] I've lost more than $20.
[X] I've called myself an idiot.
[X] I've called someone else an idiot.
[X]I've cried myself to sleep.
[X] I've had (or have) pets.
[X] I've owned a Spice Girls cd.
[X] I've owned a Britney Spears cd.
[X] I've owned an *NSYNC cd.
[X] I've owned a backstreet boys cd.
[ ] I've mooned someone.
[X] I've sworn at someone in authority.
[ ] I've been in the newspaper.
[ ] I've been on TV
[ ] I've been to Hawaii.
[ ] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[X] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[X]I've watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[ ] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[ ] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[X] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[X] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[ ] I've been stuffed into a locker.
[ ] I've been called a geek.
[X] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[ ] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[X] I've hugged my mom with the past 24 hours.
[ ] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[X] Ive met a celebrity/music artist.
[X] I've written poetry.
[X] Ive been attracted to someone much older than me.
[X] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[X] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[X] I've had/have siblings.
[X] Ive been to a rock concert.
[X] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[ ] I've been in a play.
[ ]I've been picked last in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked first in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
[X] I've cried in front of my friends.
[ ] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[ ] I've played Halo 2.
[ ] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[ ] I've been to Alaska.
[ ] I've been to China.
[ ] I've been to Spain.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[X] I've had a fight with someone on AIM
[X] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[X] I've had serious converstations on an IM.
[X] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me
[X] I've been forgiven.
[X] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[X] I've cried at a chick flick
[X]I've laughed at a scary movie
[ ] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[ ] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[ ] I've been to a rap concert.

Left leg star

Added a new scar tonight. That's +10

Ugh today my face my heart and my ovaries are attacking me. Not a fun day

Dreams

I had an amazing dream about him last night. he did everything i know he will never do in real life. it wasn't a sex dream, just a dream full of my hopes and dreams. He was perfect. the way i always see him. I don't think i could ever not love him. yes he has his many faults but to me sadly he can do no wrong. he has told me what is in his heart and he has never acted on anything. so there is only hope that one day he will. one day..

All I want To do today is cry. Everything seems to be weighing on my shoulders and the walls are crashing in. Lately I have had a strange mixture of fear of surgery and no fear of it. In some moments fear takes over and I want to curl into a ball and cry. other times I dont fear it at all. then there are the times i think about it and hope that something goes wrong and i die.

One of these days you will realize how big of a douche you have been and realize my world doesnt revolve around you anymore. it hasnt in years.. grow up!

i hate being a girl sometimes

i hate being a girl sometimes.. ok most of the time. this isnt a rant about my period or anything like that . its about the fact that one guy can drive my heart and my brain crazy. He talks to me in riddles and sarcasm and expects me to understand him through texts. sarcasm is super hard to get through a text. Spent most of last night texting the guy i like and i must say a few texts were honest but totally hurt because as honest as he was he still never really answered my questions.. he does that alot i have noticed, it got to the point where i was so confused and close to tears he got tired of me not getting it and told me he gave up. that was the last text i got. i must say i cried at that one. I responded a few different ways back to him. but didnt get a response until this morning. I still havent gotten the nerve to look at it yet.
I hate that as much as i dont want to i read into his crap and send myself back into agonizing orbit of my life revolving around him and ending up miserable again.

why?

Why is it he never needs me? never has? Why cant I be the one he craves? longs for? Loves? He is the one I know I could be happy with but he has never considered me.. probly never will. now thats depressing.

weight

I weighed myself for the first time in 2 weeks and I am down to 200.4 lbs. I havent weighed this much since sophomore year in highschool. The weird thing is, I feel three times as big. In highschool I loved my body. Now I'm ok with it but I see myself the size of my sister who is seriously 265 lbs. Yes I'm happy I weigh 200, but it took me 2 yes to lose 38 pounds. 238 is the most I have ever weighed. I will never be that size again.

Follow My Heart

I started a new blog about my heart and emotions i experience along with the chest pains while getting ready for surgery


http://recoveryofabrokenheartedgirl.blogspot.com/

Crawling in my skin today. Even clothes hurt. I want to scratch and itch and cry. I hate this I need to cut but silly me I took it out of my purse last week

I wish I could go back to the days when you had no clue how I felt about you.. life was easier then... no awkward silences or obvious ignorings. back when you were just my Chris and i was just the girl down the street.

The Average heart beats about 43 hundred times an hour, that's 800 thousand times a week, 9 million times in a crisp fall and 2.7 billion beats in a lifetime. Well What is an Average heart anyway? And how many beats do broken hearts get?

Im too open with some people and too closed off with others.. Its always the opposite of what i should do with that person... ugh

Why is it that the scratches hurt almost worse than the deep gashes?

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH I started my period today. omg! my body hates me! This will make tomorrow not as fun as i had hoped it would be

Why is it I feel so awkward around any guy I know I could potentially enjoy being with? Why? its so freaking annoying... Yet another thing added to the list ot reasons I hate myself.

what to do?

Sometimes i just want to cry and throw up then go to sleep forever. right now thats how i feel. How do i tell him that as much as i am aching to see him, i have an even stronger feeling i know i shouldnt.

Whats wrong with me?

ugh why do i do this to myself? I know he wants me.. he has told me day after day for the last 2 yrs and yet i never allow myself to get close to him. He excites me and scares me. Always has. I dont know if it is his forwardness or the fact that i knnow hes kinda a man whore. I know that if i am with him i will let him take over.. i will lose my boundaries and i cant let myself do that. Ugh whats wrong with me.

what a day.. I WONT CUT

So. I almost cut today. I came right to the box with my razor in it but never opened it. instead i scratched a lot. I have been jittery and crawling in my skin since like 3pm. even now there is the need to re-leave the crawling and itching. Plus my heart was pounding and fluttering all day making me light headed, along with a sore back and a headache it was not a comfortable da in my body.. not that i have had one of those in years.

Is it strange that I send long elaborate texts to your phone pouring my heart out. Knowing you phone is broken and you will never get it?

Gina

A friend of mine died this morning on her way to college in Idaho. There was a roll over accident and she was the only one who didn't make it. :( we hadn't hung out or spoken in a few years and tho I am sad, it strangely didn't effect me the way I thought it should have. There were no tears. No OMG why her? There was an omg she died. But then I went about my day.

Resolutions for 2011

I actually did quite a few of my resolutions in the last year and came close to finishing more but failed to do so.
So this year there's another list.. hopefully this year i will complete the list. So here it is in no particular order as to be finished. and i know i will most likely add ore when i think of more.

1. Find At least one form of happiness
2. Clean my room
3. Weigh less than 200lbs
4. Be kissed
5. Date the boys I have always wanted to date
6. Be the Me I know.. not the one people see
7. Paint More
8. Stop Cutting
9. Love my Body
10. Save Money
11. Have Heart Surgery
12. Be Healthier
13. Discover something new (to me)

now lest see what i can do...

New Years

SO New Years was actually one of the best i have had in a very long time. I went out with one of my cousins and a few of her friends to an Iris pub. it was great, we got there early enough to get a great table. we had dinner and then drinks... lots of drinks. And to my surprise i got hit on by a few different guys with no prospects lol. After the bar we went to Ihop for early breakfast and then back to my cousins house where i crashed on her bedroom floor. Sadly i dont sleep very well when i am drunk, nor do i sleep well in other peoples houses.

Father issues... not daddy issues.. he hasnt been my "daddy " in years

I Hate my dad.. An I the only one? I just dont trust him. Growing up there were a few people who had the nerve to tell me what a creepy person he is. And deep down im pretty sure thats part of why i hate him. He creeps me out. Hes very huggy and I dont like that. he hasn't hugged me in years because I wont let him close enough to do it. I cant even feel comfortable around him in my house. I wear layers and coats when he is around.
I dont only not like him because of his creepiness... its almost everything that sets me off. Hes Old i get that but him forgetting every little thing, and never remembering where his glasses or his phone are.. He has lost or destroyed 4 cameras and 2 computers and yet is always asking for a new one which i refuse to get him because i don't think he deserves anymore technology when he is only gonna kill it, lose it, or ask for help every 5 seconds.
His voice gets under my skin and makes me want to scream! its like when someone starts to scratch your back and then stops seconds later. it leaves that annoying need for either more or something different.. with him its always the need for something different. Or (i know I'm crazy) the way he knockks on my door... just two knocks but just hearing it i know who it is and makes me annoyed in the long seconds it takes him to open my door. Or like how this week i have then entire week off from work so i was like "Sweet! I can sleep in!" I haven't been able to sleep in once because of him. He talks so freaking loud that anything e says wakes me up.. and he has the undying urge to knock on my door every other fucking morning at 830...830! who the hell wants to wake up on their day off AT 830! ugh even now, just hearing his voice in the other room makes me crawl in my skin and want to scream...I hate it! I HATE HIM!

talking about it again

Mom started talking to me about my cutting again and about how she was watching some show where the girl was saying she cut to get rid of the anxiety. So of course mom had to talk to me about it and how the girl said it hurt alot but in a goodway... DUH! ugh i hate when mmy mom tries to talk about my issues she only makes me awkward.

He established contact first

C instant messaged me tonight around 10:30 and asked where i was because he was thinking of going for a walk. i told him he was crazy because it is snowing, his excuse was that his house was colder than it was outside so he was gonna go... i told him i never got dressed today and didnt really want to get dressed just to go out and get cold. he decided to go anyway. I told him to contact me tomorrow if he was feeling up to it.. the thing is, i know he wont.. thats who he is. If i dont go with him the first night, he gets over it and probly wont talk to me for another few months. I just dont understand his logic and puzzle wondering if he even considers us friends.. If he does choose to hang out tomorrow night i may get to cross a resolution off my list from this year that i didnt think could happen. we will see.

Wtf its snowing again. man I hate the snow.. yes its pretty but i hate the whole having to live in it crap

Merry Chrsitmas

Merry Christmas Bloggers! I hope you have a great day! Mine is just beginning and if all goes to plan it will be a nice day. Im not usually a Christmas person because i find it to be a rather depressing holiday and i usually get forced into something. Lets Hope it doesnt happen this year.
I sent out only two christmas cards this year. one to my best friend in georgia and the other to the guy i would love to date if it werent for the 3hrs between us. i sent gift cards in both and didnt tell either that i was sending them. two days ago i got a text telling me he was speachless and that he didnt send me anything. i told him it was fine, i was thinking of him. Hes adorable.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, Right now would be one of those moments. Not even sure why. Its almost 1am and still not tired and have no one to talk to. where are my night time friends that talk to me all through out the nights? are they sleeping or are they out doing something awesome?

Christmas Eve

Its Christmas Eve once again and for once in a wat I am excited. Tonight we are going to my best friends house and having an Avitar christmas movie night because there are a few different people who havent seen it yet and her family slways sits around and watches movies on christmas eve. this year we got invited! She is amazing, and I love her family!

for u

I made you a card. What it didn't say was I love you.