Merry Chrsitmas

Merry Christmas Bloggers! I hope you have a great day! Mine is just beginning and if all goes to plan it will be a nice day. Im not usually a Christmas person because i find it to be a rather depressing holiday and i usually get forced into something. Lets Hope it doesnt happen this year.
I sent out only two christmas cards this year. one to my best friend in georgia and the other to the guy i would love to date if it werent for the 3hrs between us. i sent gift cards in both and didnt tell either that i was sending them. two days ago i got a text telling me he was speachless and that he didnt send me anything. i told him it was fine, i was thinking of him. Hes adorable.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, Right now would be one of those moments. Not even sure why. Its almost 1am and still not tired and have no one to talk to. where are my night time friends that talk to me all through out the nights? are they sleeping or are they out doing something awesome?

Christmas Eve

Its Christmas Eve once again and for once in a wat I am excited. Tonight we are going to my best friends house and having an Avitar christmas movie night because there are a few different people who havent seen it yet and her family slways sits around and watches movies on christmas eve. this year we got invited! She is amazing, and I love her family!

for u

I made you a card. What it didn't say was I love you.

who needs goal jeans when i have goal panties.. and i fit them! I fit them the way i should too! its a good day, i bought them a long time ago and now i finally get to wear them! woot!ok yeah i fit my goal jeans too. but next goal jeans will be even better, and like 4 sizes smaller

another reason to cry

I cried infront of my mother yesterday. I never do that. I just broke down in front of her. Our family has been having financial issues alot this year and with the recent dr appointments and news that i need another heart surgery my mind has been racing and it has made me constantly nauseous knowing that my health issues are adding to our constant falling behind on bills. I told her what was on my mind. that I was worried about our money situation if i have surgery this year, yeah it is a must for me to live but i cant put my family even more in debt. SHe told me that the insurance should cover the entire thing as long as i get it dont before i am 26. that gives me 3 years. and if it doesnt happen before then i either need to marry someone with wonderful health insurance or find some of my own... IM SCREWED either way if it doesnt happen before im 26. just another reason to cry

health

Some that stab. some that ache. some that radiate. some that stay and then there's those that take my breath away. Its all my heart does, adds beats, skips them. even jumps. Nothing normal about it, its a constant ache or pain. Some days it moves me, i find myself rocking to the pound of my inconstant heart.

I had a cardiology appointment last Friday and they told me surgery is gonna have to happen again soon. we are setting up an appointment in march with every cardiology dr i have ever had and we are gonna determine how to fix everything. so far we know there are two huge parts the at need fixing soon. they say it could be two small surgeries or one huge one. im opting for the huge one to get it done all at once. mom is freaking out more than i am.. i mean after my last surgery when i was 11 we knew i would need another one within the next 15 yrs and it almost is 15yrs so i knew it was coming.

Tuesday morning three am and I can't seem to sleep again. Finished my book and watched a movie. Still no sign of sleep. Work comes in five hours, will I make it? Of course. That's what I do. I need to find someone to hold me through the night who is ok with just sleeping. I need a sleep buddy.

One day

One day my prince will come.. And when he does I will punch him in the arm and ask him what took so long

Sometimes I get so scared of life I can't help but want to cry.

need

I have the undying need to take a Brillo pad to my face. Not sure why, I just need to!

what is it?

It's not just the cutting that is the addiction. It's the scars the scratches the burn of the healing it's that fact that for a short while I know I am actually feeling.

Pick pick pick

Today was actually an ok day. Had a nice family dinner at my aunts house.
When we got home tho, I automatically started picking at my face and my body. I now have red marks and scratches all over my face.
Also my cuts have started healing. Its got to be my second favorite part about cutting, the healing.. The itching that's always needing to be scratched and the heat the emanates from it. I kinda love it.

10.5 inches of snow. Ugh

Warning +9

Today I don't know what happened. It was an ok day. I have had my blade in my purse for months and haven't touched it. But tonight I don't know, I just neeed it.

3 am

It's 3 am and I woke up from a dream that almost had me in tears and wanting to throw up. I was getting harassing mail from a company I have repeatedly told I want to unsubscribe to. I still have thy sick feeling and it's like my body refuses to go back to sleep. Ugh! I just want to feel better about everything.

urges

I totally have the urge to take a lighter so my hair. I feel the need to just do something destructive.

Love

Last night I had a night that made me enjoy life for a few hours. I got to spend. With my best friend and her husband. On our way home from our evening she was telling me about a night she had spent with her daughter. She had been sitting in the living room reading when her daughter came in feeling glum and sat next to her. She could tell there was something wrong and had the overwhelming feeling that she needed to say something. So she leaned over, kissed her on the head and said "one day a boy is going to love you the way your father loves me" and her daughter burst into tears. They then continued to talk and unload for the next few hours. I can only hope/strive to have someone love me the way she and her husband love each other. It breaks my heart to think of a life without that kind of love.

Update-ish

I hate/love that I have been doing this to myself for the last decade, will it get better or worse as life goes on? from what I hear it gets better for most but I honestly don't think I am part of the "most" in this case. In the last 6 yrs alone life has been one crisis after another driving me deeper into my hole of a life.

The other day after work and a few other stress inducing things I went to my room and hurt myself. Only I didn't cut, and it didn't hurt. I took my moms Pumas stone/foot grater and attacked my calve and the top of one of my hands. It felt amazing, a new release I haven't felt in a while, not even from cutting. It was strange in a way.

Tonight I have plans to get out of the house without my family. I need it soo much, lately if I'm not at home I'm at work or babysitting. Even on downtime I feel overwhelmed and stressed. Even my family makes me want to scream and crawl out of my skin.

Lately I have also been dealing with harassing phone calls from a company who claims i owe them for things i never ordered or even agreed to. its so bad they even call my sister somehow. I sent in a report claiming i never agreed or even wanted anything from them nor did i accept anything from them so i refuse to do anything with them. but they keep calling.

ugh as if i wasnt stressed enough with work now this has me nauseous and stressed constantly.

its been.

It has been 148days sinse I last cut and to tell you the truth I have thought about cutting almost every day. I have even picked up the razor a few times and held it there but did nothing. I'm not saying I didn't want to, it's just that I knew I wouldn't want to clean up everything. I would let it blee an rub it away instead of clean it. I have been getting lazy about alot of it. Like the other day I got cut at work, I just kept rubbing the blood until it decided to stop bleeding. By then, not only was my hand covered in dry blood but so was that part of my leg. I stared at it a bit before even thinking of washing it off. I know it's gross and weird, but I kinda like it.

it was my birthday

This week was my 23rd birthday. It was actually one of the best I have had in years. We had a big family thing at a local pub. It was great. The last two week have been hard on my body, I have ha shingles for the last 14 to 20 days. Luckily it is cleared up now. It hurt like hell and at one point I scratched it and it hurt so bad I threw up. It was horrible.

i have lost nothing

i couldnt do it. i paniced. he didnt say he was upset but i could tell. only i havent heard from him since then. yet im strangly not hurt my him ignoring me

Chance

So I may or may not lose my virginity tomorrow. He asked if I wanted to come over and hang out after work. I said yes. And this time I plan on actually hanging out, not flaking out. I have thought about it at great lengths, and I realize that as much as I want this I know that I may also freak out after. I may like myself better, I may hate myself, I may cry, I may ignore the world. There are a billion outcomes built up inside me ready to show their freakish heads.

Contemplation

Sitting contemplating life today. Not in a suicidal way but in a what have I truly done with my life kind of way. Here I sit 22 soon to be 23 and where am I headed? I live with my parents rent free but that's because I pay bills for them. I have had a constant job for 11 months now and may not have a job by the end of the month if I do not finish my requirements. Let it be known they were supposed to be done within the first six months of me working here but my boss is kinda flexible. So now I'm cramming in 20hrs of online classes which so far has taken me 15 hrs to do half. And I have to have the rest done by thursday. So on top of cramming that in needing my food handlers permit by the 19th and my boss harping on me constantly.. Because of me freaking out. I am also lacking on my church calling. I have been so stressed about losing my job I'm letting other things fall to the wayside. I'm freaking out. And on top of everything I'm single not for the lack of trying. I haven't had a serious relationship in forever and even when I did I wasn't as into it as the guys have been. I have serious issues in that department. I'm a virgin. Yes I have had a few different sexual encounters but nothing life changing. And none of these encounters have been with guys I actually felt something for, they were guys it was convenient to be with as sad as it is. And yes I have. List of 2 or 3 guys I would be willing to lose the big V to but those choices are unrealistic considering we are "friend zone" friends. The kind of friend where there is a spark every once and a while but neither of us has enough balls to do anything about it. Im a fucking pansie when it comes to love or even affectiong.

dreaming

Last night I dreamed I was dead. Wanna know the best part? You were inside my heaven.

talked with J last night for 3 hours on instant messenger. i hate that he lives like 3hours away, we pretty much will never get to hang out which sucks because he is amazing and about as self conscious as i am if not more.

Im Home!

after a week and a half of vacation away from my family i am home and in a way i am happy but in another way i wish i had done more

feeling

The sick thing is I want him to touch me an make me feel good again.

fuck

Fuck! So I am staying at my bestfriends house for the next week... And he brother.... Years ago while I was sleeping started touching me. Then yrs later I went on an awkward date that ended in him wanting to take me to the park at one am but me refusing so he brought me home. Not for lack of trying. Then here I am at their house and what do I do? I put myself in that same predicament. I don't know why I let myself be alone with him. After my friend had decided to go to sleep her brother came and asked if I wanted to watch a movie. Stupidly I said yes. It started out casual and harmless. Then he noticed I was freezing and got me a blanket. Only he got under too, he was right on my side saying it was to keep me warm. I wa ok with that. But then he strattled his leg over mine and started rubbing my arms slightly touching my breast. Only instead of stopping him I let him continue. I don't even know why but oddly enough I was kinda turned on by this touch and scared of it at the same time. Only I didn't stop him. A Half hour later he got a little more vigorus. Stupidly I told him I didn't care that he was groping me but I was not going to have sex an he agreed he was ok with that. when the movie ended he started kissing me and again I went along with it. Then he started going under my clothes and I let him ILETHIM! Ugh! WTF is wrong with me. We kissed he rubbed and took over. There was no sex but it got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore so I sat up and told him I was going to sleep. He was left confused in his room as I went to mine. Automatically I regret and fear what happened. Am I going to have to be the girl who tells him it was fun but we can't do it again. And I won't do it again, it is too weird. I'm here for five more days. Hopefully our days will be filled or outcof the house. Ugh! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn it

Damn it. It took me 6 months to get over him and i made it two months without thinking about him everyday. And now I think I';m in the same pit yet again. Only this time I know he likes me because he said so. Only now he ignores that fact and is doing what he did before UGH! Wtf!

He Likes Me... finally

So Im scared he is in like with me.. for once I dont think I can resipricate. I mean I want to, but its been nine months and he honestly hurt me when he dropped me from his life. I think the worst part is that knowing who I am, I will let him rule me again and break me Again. In our five yr friendship not once has he called me, we have always been text friends. but Yesterday he called me! I was in a meeting when he called and didnt leave a message, but he left like 4 texts saying he was waiting for me. then when I tried to contact him he never got back to me. UGH

wow he never seases to amaze me

We were talking all night about hanging out and when he finaly decided on a time it was 12:30in the morning and I waited ten minutes after he said he was heading over before I even left the house. I waited another 5 outside the text him telling him that mom didn't want me to go because she really didn't she and dad both told me they didn't like me going out after midnight. But anyway he was pretty much mocking me for being 22 and havin my mom tell me what to do. When just the other night his mother wouldn't let him leave. But anyway once I went back inside I text him again asking what took him so long. He said he was cleaning up his room an changing clothes. And said somethig about me being caged by my mom. When I told him he was just as caged as I was he got weird. He was saying he tells her to fuck herself daily. And then he said the thing that threw me he said " if I told her I was interested in you my life would go further offthe end like sputnik". So I asked him hy she would care so much but all he wrote back was " lol good night. Find the bands song (wait)". I was and still am so confused. Was this his way of saying he likes me?

oh!

Oh! I cut my hair at work last weekend. I was bored and could run my fingers through my hair so I took the scissors and cut three inches off. And it looks pretty good too

mother

My mother I always trying to talk to me about my cutting. The other night she randomly started talking to me about something she saw on tv about a girl who actually cut fat out of her legs by herself! While I love/need cutting I can't imagine doing that to myself. Ew.

midnight walks with him

I have been talking to him again for the last week or so. It has been six months since we last talked or even hung out. Not for my lack of trying. He finally decided to answer. We had talked about hanging out soon last week then today he told me he was bored at home with his parents and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. This was at 10:45pm so o course I said yes. I walked over to his house just intime for him to come outside to meet me. He has changed a bit, he has grown his hair even longer, gained weight even in his hands. Those hands that were one of my favorite of his body parts. now dont get me wrong its not the weight that threw me, its that for once while i was still slightly scared to be alone with him i felt no romantic feelings for him. We went for a walk to te lake. On the trail there he mentioned how he has already noticed how I have changed. He said it was a good thing. I told him there are things I got over and new things that terrify me. And he said it was understandable. We were at the lake for about an hour then we went back to his house to play pool which we played two rounds, an to watch a movie. We ended up choosing the hangover but halfway through he started snoring. I didn't wake him but a moment later he woke up and tol me he was going to walk he home before he passed out again. So we walked back to my house, did that awekward standing around for a bit then he said something about chivalry and then we said good bye. We are supposed to finish the movie tomorrow night. I ended up getting home around 2:35am. Not bad for a Chris fix

single ladies (found on letters from a lonely heart)

The life of a single woman is a whirlwind of contradictions. One minute you like a guy, the next you don’t; one day you have $2,000 in the bank, the next you’re chasing pennies around the floorboard of your car to afford a McDonald’s cheeseburger for dinner; one week you feel single and fabulous, the next you just feel lonely and mediocre. It happens to the best of us. There is no real safety net for a single woman. No fierce protector. No knight in shining armor to swoop in and scare all the bad guys away when we’re feeling picked on at work. No protective cocoon to run to when we’re feeling our inner caterpillar is outweighing our inner butterfly. We are, quite literally – single. Singular. Solo. Alone. We have moments where we look at the martini glass as half empty, then kick ourselves for doing so. We have Facebook stalking expeditions in which we scope out all our exes just to see how balding and ugly and miserable they are now, then feel somehow betrayed when they look…dare I say it?...good. We have really brave moments when we kill an enormous spider or change a tire by ourselves and we become completely convinced that all we need to do is slap an “S” on our chest and we could save the world. We dance all night with our girlfriends then ace our presentation at work the next day going on nothing but Starbucks and adrenalin (and wearing the same clothes we had on the night before). We face the condescending looks at family gatherings and high school reunions when people learn that we’re not dating anyone and pat on us like we’re their pet and say: “Oh, don’t worry. You’re surely next!” We buy hundreds of dollars in wedding gifts and baby gifts and christening gifts and bar mitzvah gifts for all of our married friends without batting an eye, knowing that this might well be the closest we ever get to a gift registry. We lose jobs and friends and parents and lovers…and sometimes have no one but our pillow to witness our tears. We fall in love - deeply, madly, passionately in love – and sometimes, they forget to love us back. Sometimes we love someone for years, without the other person even knowing we exist. We suffer in silence, hoping against hope that one day they’ll not just look at us, but really SEE us; that they’ll not just want us, but NEED us. Sometimes life offers us a second chance to get it right…and sometimes life just offers us a second chance to say goodbye. Sometimes even after all the hurt, and all the waiting, and all the hoping, and all the wishing…for reasons beyond our control, it still doesn’t work out. Sometimes you just know you know the only way to be true to YOU is to let him go. If we’re lucky, we have a best friend to reflect our hearts back to us and show us our strength when we’ve lost our way. And if we’re REALLY lucky, we have 46,000 incredibly brave, sassy, independent, beautiful, strong honorary best friends to inspire us to be a better version of ourselves…to walk our talk…to live up to a higher standard…and to never lose the faith that someday, some way, amidst all the many frogs, our Prince Charming will emerge and sweep us off into our Happily Ever After. This, my dear friends, is my way of saying thank you. Thank you for believing in what I have to say. Thank you for continuing to faithfully follow me. Thank you for keeping me on my toes and inspiring me to be the very best woman that I can be. And most of all, thank you for making me so incredibly proud to call myself a single woman. I am certainly in good company among you. And here’s the good news…for you, for me, for all single women. We are tough. We are bold. We are fierce. We are a force to be reckoned with. We face the world the single way every single day…and we don’t back down. We don’t let the idea of going to a movie alone intimidate us. We don’t let the threat of bumping into an ex stop us from going to the most fabulous party in town with our head held high. We walk a path that many women will never have to walk…a path that forces us to constantly step out of our comfort zones…a path that a majority of the women we grew up with and acted as bridesmaids for will never have to walk. The journey of a single woman is not an easy one – but we welcome the danger. We welcome the unknown. We embrace our freedom as the gift that it is…we pay our own way…we march to the beat of our own drum and we ask permission from no one to do so. There is a fire in the soul of a single woman that can never quite be tamed…an unwillingness to settle…an independence all our own, built from the knowledge that we can do absolutely anything without calling for backup and we can look damn good doing it. There is a wisdom we possess that comes from surviving many a broken heart…a shine to us from learning how to make an entrance into a room accompanied by no one but me, myself and I…a confidence that comes from knowing we are not afraid to fall…because each time we fall, Life presents us with another opportunity to get up and move up. We realize a happy life is more important than a happy ending…and that we don’t need a significant other to lead a significant life. And if one day, our Prince does find us, we won’t expect him to complete us, but to compliment us. Because we are strong. We are invincible. We are all…The Single Woman.

ashamed?

I know it's horrible but the only time I am ashamed of my body and what I have done to it is when I am around my family. It sucks because you are supposed to be comfortable around family, and all I want to do is hide and keep every inch coverd. It's not out of nowhere either. The other day my dad came home and was telling me about this girl we used to know and how she gained slot of weight. An when I told him I knew she had he was like " no she is HUGE!". Ok for one why an ass and two he lives in a house with three over weight ladies. And he doesn't expect me to be offended? Yeah right I already have an image problem I don't need my dad to tell me how disgusting fat girls are

i know this guy...

You know that boy who makes you smile everytime he around or even the thought of him makes your heart race? He's almost that guy. He's the guy you dont have to be scared around because he has too high of an expectation to know what you really want. He's the guy who wants ti make you happy, who wants to experience firsts with you. First love, kiss, relationship, passion. He's the guy I dream about. He is you... Whoever you are.

where?

Where is my one person to talk to? Where is the one person who understands all my babbling and crazy talk? Why the hell can't I find a guy who will even consider me and not be scared off by something weird I say?

Drunk feelings

I honestly don't feel bad about last night. I actually enjoyed the releasing of inhabitions and the taking down of sertain walls. Tho I did make it clear that if anyone touched me in my sleep or while crazy drunk I would stab them I was the one single girl out of the two girls there. There were groomsmen who by day creeped me out but by night I found rather charming and even got one to bite my wrist :) he was drunk also and was amused lol. I was asked twice that day both sober and not to have sex with him ... I refused. If I was to sleep with him it would not be on the first night or in a house with seriously 12 people in it. No thanks :)

So I got totally drunk last night. Not the first time but it was the first time I was completely smashed.

seriously bitch?

she sent me a very long text the other day telling me what a horrible person i was and that i should just give up on living because i am such a horrible friend. she also told me about how she has tried to be my friend over the past few months, but she is insane, in the last "few months" she has treatened me 4 or 5 times and has Never Ever tried to even once apologize. i have just wanted her out of my life for the past year and she refuses to get the clue. the bitch actually ahd the nerve to tell me that when she heals from surgery se is coming to church and doesnt want to see me there or even be around me.. THEN GO TO YOUR OWN WARD BITCH! she moved out of our ward boundaries over a year ago and refuses to go to her own ward which pissed me off even when we were friends. UGH!

burned

Sunburned the girls today. Was outside with the kids this morning an put sunlotion on everything but my Chest. Weirdly I didt even notice it till hour later when my chest started itching. Ugh

what a dissapointment

I'm kinda dissapointed in myself. I made a promise to myself that this year I wouldn't hold back, that things would be different. And yet here it is, may, and I haven't really changed all that much. What a disappointment. I seriously need to change myself somehow. Not so sure how yet but it has to happen.

paranoid

I don't know why but every moment of my life lately I sit thinking About how something could go terribly wrong. It's not all the time but it's enough for me to get worked up about. Only I never tell people how terrified of life I get. But like I have sai before, i am my own kind of crazy. I work myself up so much I sabotage my life, my dates, even my family. Ugh one day I will let myself have a happy life... One day.

Made it 238 days

Not proud of it just had to

There's a book on my bookcase filled with knives, box cutters and razors just waiting in silence for the day they hear my skin scream. And I took it down today. I haven't decided if I am going to use them or not. It has been 238 days since the last te I cut and I honestly have been doing well with the urges. But this week hasn't even began and I'm already stressed about that will happen. I don't know how to handle myself, I am so filled with stress and hate I can't seem to get rid of these feelings. The only way i have ever been able to deal with emotions like his was to cut. So now the question is do I open the book?

Welcome to hell again

so got a call from dad last night. he and mom left 2 days ago for vacation in Idaho. but anyway he called to tell us mom fell and broke her leg again... AGAIN! i was so mad that i honestly almost threw up i told him there was no way in hell i was helping her out again. not after the last time she broke it. it has been almost exactly 4 years and i have hated her almost every day since she fell the first time. in the past 4 yrs most of my almost a thousand cuts has been from the stress she has caused in my life. i dont know if i can make it through it again.

Liquids

So I decided this week I'm going on a liquids fast where I only consume liquids. Haven't decided how long it may be but I need to try it. The fact that I am working all the time may help the no foods rule too because at my job I don't really have much time to stop and munch on anything. Hmmm should be interesting to see how long I can last.

Love for me is like true happiness. Not sure if I will ever find it

yesterday i i achieved something i thought i would never be able to do. i kissed my friend B, i have wanted to do it for 6 years and when i sawhim yesterday i just did it. it wasnt a make out kind of kiss just a sweet peck on the lips.. the best part was when he kissed me back

down 26.6lbs in a little over a year

im down 26.6lbs. still a size 16 but atleast im getting smaller

well today was 200 days... its been a hell of a week. she got custody of one of the kids and has to wait till the 30th to see if she gets the other one. the child protective system is screwed up!

Awaiting the days when life isn't constant hell

I knew she would

I knew she would do it. That skank told my mom a lot of my secrets that I knew would break my moms heart and that whore did it! All because I am trying to protect her kids from their awful mother. And now she is trying to tell the court that I am a danger to her kids because I cut. That is bs! I hurt myself not other people.. Tho watch out world who knows lol jk. Even the social worker says she doesn't have much of a case and that I should put a restraining order against her. Let's hope it doesn't come to that. But even so I can't be alone with her children until further notice, not that I';m ever alone with them.. God can't wait for this to be over.

I have chosen

So I have chosen a side in a custody battle and it is not my ex-bestfriends side. Yes there will be repercussions, and mostlikely some threats but the kids deserve a good home even if that isn't with their mother.

its been 193 days

its been a while, im still fighting with myself about cutting and for now the good side is winning

So in the last month I have lost three people in my life. One was a coworker who died in his home from a disease doctors could not name, he had suffered from if for almost 10 years. Another was my aunt who in her old age died of repetitious strokes. And the third was a friend who died in Afghanistan fighting for his country. All good people who made peoples lives better anyway they could. Now they are with god.

i will always know they are there... even when you dont..
and if i forget, i have a box full of sharp objects to help me remember.

so this morning i woke up with Hate burning fire red on my leg. it didnt hurt it was just strange its not even a new scar.. thats all just thought i would say it

Civility

Civil? Civil! i will only be civil if you are.. its your fault we arent friends. and i am not sorry i didnt come crawling back for your friendship after you told me to leave you alone. you are the one who wanted me completely out of your life.. so i am.. its not my fauld your children love me more than their horrible mother..

seriously?

SO basically in the past few months i have had 4 different guys tell me that if i was willing to have sex with them they would leave the girls they are with and start dating me, or would consider dating me just because. Do they really think that will get me to date the? seriously. its ridiculous

I'm getting sick of the person I am... I need to change for the better if I am ever going to like myself. But to do that means to change a lot involving my eating habits, my health, and my actions. I'm tired of being the person who does something and the next day ends up hating myself for it.

160 days self injury free! Wow yay me!

My dream

Ok so last night I had a dream that kind spoke to me. Not sure what it said to me but yeah. My sister and I were sitting at institute in a spot to the far right where we never sit and as we sat the girl next to us said she missed us. A few minutes later Andrew came and sat practically on my hip he was so close. He told me that his parents said that they wanted me to come to ellensburg with them next summer for their family vacation. I said yes and the next thing I know he has his head on my shoulder and I'm playing with his hair as if we are dating now. Then in walks the guy I was pretty much in love with growing up and he sat across the isle smiling at me. After class we went back to my house for a party and I looked outside and saw a car pull up knowing it was this guy named Andy from highschool who I was tthe guy who I was always exchanging playful banter with. He got out of the car and his friend erica(who died in high school in a roll over crash) got out of the drivers seat when he saw me he wished me happy birthday and came into the house. Erica was saying she knew my dad because she worked at the local chocolate factory and dad came in like once a week just to watch them make the chocolates. It was strange. And we got to hang out for a bit until I woke up.

Today I had 2 people tell me that if I lost a little more weight I would look like a barbie. I didn't know whether to be offended or flattered.

10%

so lately i wave been working really hard to lost the last few pounds i have been trying to lose for a while and while i am nowhere near where i want to be i am getting closer. today i weighed in and i reached my 10% goal! thats a little over 24lbs lost in a little over a year. i know i can do better this year, i still have a long way to healthy. Hopefully one day i will reach the point where my body will be healthy and i will look in the mirror and not hate myself.

143 Days!

143 days since I last cut!! Wow !!! Tho I must say I have been thinking about the blade a lot more lately

crazy little thing called love

I think that while I knew I was friends with him I could live with loving him and it not going anywhere. But now that it seems like he hates me and doesnt want to be my friend it breaks my heart. Yeah there will always be a part of me that will hope that one day he will love me, but until then, whatever i felt for him before has been replaced with rage and pure hate.

Ok so...

Ok so yeah I have lost 22 pounds this year but I still honestly can't see it. Its just awkward when mom talks to people about me losing weight because they know I do weightwatchers but they want to know what I do to lose all the weight. And honestly, I don't know. Some days I binge and other days I starve. Its how I have been for the past year I consider what I have eaten the day before and also what else I'm going to eat during the week and decide what days I can eat a lot of a little. I don't count calories I decide on what it will do to my body. Weird but its what I do...

Here I sit in a crowded room. And all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry. Someone save me please

Happiness is not something I am capable of feeling today. I have tried but its just not happening. I'm crawling in my skin again and need to get out. But I won't cut. I won't.

Hey bloggers I was just sitting here waiting for the new year reading my list of resolutions for 09 and not a lot of them happend. A few did but not a lot. And I was thinking that instead of a resolution list I would creat a list of things I want for myself in 2010. So here's a few I came up with

1. Blog more
2. Date
3. Stop cutting
4. Kiss someone
5. Do more painting
6. Study the scriptures more
7. Pray more
8. Stop swearing
9. Just stop what you are doing!
10. Be a better person
11. Find someone who makes you happy

Hopefully this year I will be able to cross a few off.

"you don't wait for people to rescue you, but you would like it sometimes if they did without you having to tell them. none of us are open books. and thats totally ok"

A friend of mine said that to me tonight and it kinda stayed in my mind

I hope that one day I won't hate every bit of myself

Its been 119 days since I last cut! Wow

Scars and mothers

so mom was studying my arms today finally noticing after all these years the intensity of my scars and all she says is "wow you did good on these hun, isnt it amazing how different scars can look. do you have any more?" in her evil mom tone. i told her no. little did she know that my body is covered with scars and that i wasnt lying because not one scar is the same.

My old scars hurt today. Not my newest ones but the old ones its weird

A Few Secrets

*I know that as much as I want to die, I will never hurt my family by killing myself.

*I love turning music up so loud it changes the beat of my heart.

*I know I'm a tease and I'm okay with it.

*Although people say I am, I have never seen myself as truly "pretty" and probably never will.

*I use LOL way too much in texts and IMs.

*I like to wear make-up even if I am sitting around the house.

*In 8th grade I gave my best friend a hand-job in his apartment complex pool. Two years later he told he was gay.

*I know I'm a crappy friend so I don't keep many around.

*In middle school when people noticed me cutting I told them it was from a poorly made bracelet and they believed me.

*Sometimes I want to stop cutting but I have no idea how else to get rid of that feeling.

*Most days I have no reason to wake up. But I do so that no one will ask if I'm okay.

*I sensor my thoughts feelings and emotions way too much.

*I think of AH more than I think of CR.

*I love watching live fireworks and feeling the explosion inside my chest.

*Sinse highschool 6 of my friends have died. 3 of which were suicide.

*For years my parents actually believed I was clumsy not a cutter.

*Its been years since I have actually been happy.

*I don't believe anyone has ever truly loved me.

*I have been told I am a great kisser.

*I am scared of living my life alone.

*Though I'm straight I love my breasts and am somewhat obsessed with breasts in general.

is it you?

When you get online, whose name do u look for first? When a slow song comes on the radio, whose face comes to your mind first? When you hear your phone ringing who do you hope is calling? Whose name makes your heart skip a beat?

So christmas was great. My brother and his wife came with their baby along with my grandparents for opening presents then we went to my aunts house for dinner. It was a great day!

I did get in a fight with chris last night and ended up getting so mad I was crying. He just made me so mad I was screaming at him and he didn't even care. The worst part was that after an hour of him not talking to me I text him apologizing for being such a bitch. He never got back to me. I AM OVER CHRIS!

Incomplete by Alanis Morissette

One day, I'll find relief
I'll be arrived and I'll be a friend to my friends
Who know how to be friends

One day, I'll be at peace
I?ll be enlightened and I'll be married
With children and maybe adopt

One day, I will be healed
I will gather my wounds
Forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

One day, my mind will retreat
And I'll know God
And I'll be constantly one with her
Night, dusk and day

One day, I'll be secure
Like the women I see
On their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding, ever expanding
Ever adventurous and torturous
But never done

One day, I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art

One day, I will be faith filled
I'll be trusting and spacious
Authentic and grounded and whole

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

Merry Christmas bloggers!

Did your heart break a little when I wouldn't kiss you? Is that why you are ignoring me?

If I died today would it break his heart? Would he even notice I wasn't in his world anymore?

Today was a great day. Only now that I'm alone I feel like crying and that I'm alone in the world. Like this feeling will never end.

So i saw him today and my heart skipped a bit. did his?

He's coming home today!

The time has come! I can't wait! He's flight comes in at 1055 today and I can't wait to see him sunday... I'd love to see him before then but who knows

my life as a mormon

i have been mormon my whole life. and i grew up with values and morals that i know have saved me from doing stupid things. yes i have done a lot of things that i regret but they have brought me to where i am today. even if that isn't the best i could be. growing up going to church every sunday having christ in my life gave me the best childhood i could have had. it wasn't until puberty that i started with my cycle in depression. i love being mormon, and i hope to one day marry a strong mormon man who can help strengthen my faith through out my life. yes there i have had times where i wish i wasn't raised the way i was so that i could do things and not feel guilty about it. But in the end, my faith is what has kept me alive. Yes the church looks down on people who self injure but they done shun or turn them away. I have always felt welcome and loved. things about the church i have come to learn from experience, people suck, go to church for christ... not his people

So tonight would totally be a night where I carve the crap out of my legs and I would do it deep too, not because it was a bad day but because I know my body wants it and could stand it today. Somedays it can handle different depths it all bepends on what it wants. Yes it sounds weird that my skin tells me when and what it wants it but that's how it happens.

the marks on her arms will dry.. but they will haunt for eternity

I wish Happiness came as easily as breathing because if breathing came as easily as happiness i would have died a long time ago

Things I don't want for Christmas..... Anything foam, anything to do with painting, anything "as seen on tv", a scarf, anything knit or crochet.

The other night at a church thing I was standing in a group of friends talking about how one lady was going to be going in for carple tunnle surgery again and she was joking about how people are gonna think she tried to kill herself and she was joking about how if she wanted to kill herself she would have gone down not across. The entire time I was quiet and noticed my one friend who knew about my cutting and could tell she was just about as uncomfortable as me but never said anything. Then today she apologized for the conversation. It wasn't too bad.

When ur around I'm not numb anymore

So last nights dream spoke to me. It wasn't totally clear. I admit it was almost a sex dream but it never got that far. I was on a school campus with friends and a guy who I'm not sure who it was, but I knew he was a close friend. But what happened was he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, and layed me on the bed. He told me he wanted a baby but I told him I just wanted to lay down. So instead of having sex we lay there in each others arms.
I guess subconsciously I knew he wasn't the guy for me. I'm on a quest to find the guy who is. I'm going to try and find a guy who actually likes me for me and not because he wants something from me. I'm also wanting someone I can be comfortable being myself around. Someone I will want to lose weight for not have to lose weight for.

So I think that my heart is starting to change my mind. The more I think about Andrew the less I think about or even want Chris. I haven't prayed about bit yet but I will tonight. Because I know that as much as my heart wants/needs him I know that he is clueless to the whole thing. He has apparently changed not only physically but emotionally over the past 2 yrs. And I haven't. Yes emotionally I have grown so much but physically I haven't really changed and its killing me. I am 22. Yeah I know I still have life ahead of me but I don't want to live that life alone.

I don't hate you I'm just hurt that you haven't even tried

Ok so I fail. Sunday night chris text me and the next day I text him back I made it two weeks no contact

He's coming home!

So don't know how many of you know this but I'm mormon. And well my friend Andrew is coming home from his mission in 18 Days! He has been gone for 2 years and the longer he has been gone the more I miss him. We weren't super close when he was here but we talked a lot. And well now that time is ticking down my heart is racing with the fact that soon I can see him and not just write him a letter! I'm so excited!