my body hates me

im pretty sure my body hates me. not only do i have a fever, i also have pink eye, yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis and body aches.. today sucks

Happy 25th Birthday ME!

Its My 25th Birthday! yay me! its a few days past two weeks since heart surgery and im hoping today is awesome... 25 needs to be.

Surgery in 3 days

THREE days till my heart surgery and oh my goodness I'm so ready. Today has been hard with breathing and stuff like that, just plain exhausted constantly

Day 3 of 30 Days of Happiness

Going over to my brothers tonight and the second my neice saw me she ran to the fridge and pulled off a magnet with my face on it and screamed my name.. it was so cute :)

Work stress and surgery stress

Work is killing me lately. My boss just isn't listening to what I have to say and she isn't thinking of anyone but herself. She iisnt giving me the releif staff I need and its taking its toll on my body.

On top of that I got my pre op packet and it got my family thinking.. they told us that it is a better fix then cutting me open and getting everything. But in the info packet it flat ou says its basically a fixaflat for the heart until your next open hart surgery. UGH! I'm gonnna hve to email the nurse back and find out what the hell thas about because when I went in they asked my oppinion and I said do the open heart one and I get the packet for the other one... wtf?

Day 2 of 30 Days Of Happiness

Happy moment... got my info packet about surgery today :) 20 days left

Day 1 of 30 Days of Happiness

Happy moment of the day.. He wanted to see me, I couldnt because it was too late, but still.. he wanted to see me.

Heart Surgery Set

got a call from the drs office today.. my heart surgery is set for Aug 28th im soo ready

Nothin but silence

Tonight I sit in my room listening to the silence of the house. Not listening to music, every song beings in thoughts and memories I don't want to live tonight. Tonight's a night I could use without thinking. Thinking only breaks my heart into smaller pieces.

Crying again

Been on the brink of tears for the last few days. Not even sure why other than loneliness and fear of what's going to happen. Today is my big cardiology appointment meeting with the specialist. Myb health has been getting notisable worse fo me and I'm hoping they can do something or atleast give me answers 

Stir crazy

Going stir crazy in my body tonight, feels like I'm trapped and can't fnd a way out. No one is answering their phones or responding to messages, trapped and alone is not what I wanted to feel tonight

why isnt there a pill or a shot or a patch or something that stops the tears from flowing? because if there was i would buy a year supply

Is it so bad to want you to need me too ? Especially before 10pm?

Constipated

Ugh I have been so constipated the last few days. It's killing me, I don't even know why either! I'm not super stressed and I haven't really changed y diet much. Yes I have been nauseous this week and thrown up a few times but still I should be pooping too!

Sick and sore

Sick :(. Ontop of being sore from being with Chris now my whole body aches in a new way where sickness and pain combine into a miserableness I haven't felt like ever

Lots of tears tonight

Why am I not worth fighting for?

Note to self

Note to self... Find a way to feel when alone.. Feel other than pain and anguish for living day after day alone

Joes coming!

Today joe is coming over. He is driving 3 hours one way to see me. We both have the day off and haven't seen eachother since October so we planned a day. Only we have no plans as to what we will be doing. He should be showing up around lunchtime so we might go out to lunch. Mom said aunt Cathy will be coming over at some point today so he might meet her but everyone in my family is home today it's bound to get awkward lol

My first hicky

Went for a walk with chris last night. we ended up talking and making out. Let's face it if I wasn't on my period we would have done more. He gave me a hickey and wow ddnt hurt this much last night but it is wwhat it is.. a giant sore bruise.

Easter Weekend

Its been exactly one month since Nana Died. One month since our last family gathering. For me its kinda fucked up. Happy Effing Easter family because yeah this gathering wont be awkward at all.
Life is going slowly and boring and horrible. Work is easing up a bit but not as much as i would like. Mom fell and ripped a muscle behind her knee on Friday and is pissing us off because now she cant do shit for herself. We thought she was done breaking and getting hurt.
None of my friends are talking too me anymore. Amber rarely wants to hang out, Brandon hasn't talked to me in months. Chris.. oh god Chris .. I'm not even sure whats going on with him. i haven't talked to him in a long time and it wasn't until like last week that he finally talked to me and only said he was too busy for me an super tired. Haven't seen him in almost 3 months and i don't know what to do with myself. I swear i don't love him, not after what he called me and such but there is still an emptiness i know he can fill even if its with friendship.

Quote Challenge #10 yourself

" yeah I did"

Quote Challenge #9 Favorite band said

"We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt. But how we survive is what makes us who we are." -Rise Against, Survive

Quote Challenge #8 Death

"To die will be an awfully big adventure" - J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Quote Challenge #7 Random

1: Do not look back on things that hurt
2: Do not reminisce on things I find ridiculous
3: Regret...
4: Do not lose focus on the significant things vs. the insignificant
5: Do not cheat myself out of a good opportunity
6: Do not choose to expect less than what I am capable of
7: Do not lose to life..

Quote Challenge #6 Fave TV show

Do you think you could shift the gears? My boobs are in the way.
~Charmed,Paige

Quote Challenge #5 favorite singer said

I like having my hair and face done, but I'm not going to lose weight because someone tells me to. I make music to be a musician not to be on the cover of Playboy.
-Adele

Quote Challenge # 4 your favorite book

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope.. I have loved none but you"
Persuasion, Jane Austen

Quote Challenge #3 Self Esteem

No one is going to love you if you don't love yourself

Quote Challenge #2 Hope

Who should start the kiss? The boy or the girl?

Well for me ilike it a lot more when the guy goes for the kiss first. Its an amazing feeling knowin someone wants to kiss you. There's a sertain innocense in it and or even a primal feeling to it. I hae also been the one to initiate it and I have been told they like it so I do it too but honstly I like when the guy does it, it feels normal and a lot less awkward.

Ever fallen asleep one someone?

No.. never had that much alone time or the availability to do it. Yes there are times we lay together but never fall asleep together. People tend to fall asleep on me tho, apparently I'm really cmfortable..

Whens the next time you will kiss someone?

Hopefully if I get to see chris this week it will be then.. but if not.. then who knows.

The last person who made you cry?

That would be chris.. the last time I saw him I cried 3 times all for diffferent reasons ad only one of those reasons was bad and it honestly wasn't a horrible bad it was he answered me truthfully and it wasn't the answer I wanted kind of bad. He's made me cry before but never when I was with him... that was something new. There were happy and sad tears

Do you miss anyone?

There is a yes and a no to almost everyone who just came to mind.

My ex bff, yeah I miss her sometimes. I miss that I had someone to be with every day but I don't mss her manipulative persomality and her abuse towards her children and the people around her.

I miss my grandmothers, luckily I hae a few awesome memories with both of them throughout the years.

Chris.. I miss chris more than I should. Without him I'm close to empty inside and for him I'm just another clingy lonely girl he sometimes wants to hang out with. He's my best guy friend and I am rarely even a blip on his radar.

I miss my best friend who moved to georgia to be with her husband.

I miss the relationship I used to have with my mother.

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over again?

More like I tent to fall for the same person over and over again. I have been inlove with chris on and off again for the last 6 years. He is a guy who can. Break my heart a million times but for some sick reason I can't get enough of him even at his worse.  Yes I have liked others and even gone on dates with others but they all tendd to be of the douchebag variety.

Ever kissed someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?

Sadly I have. Tho at the time I did not know he had a girlfriend. He didn't mention it until a day or two after, but I wasnt too hurt by it and it didn't happen again

Have you ever done something you told yourself you would never do?

I dont think I have honestly. There are still things I have sworn never to do that I haven't done ad I'm glad I haven't done them. There are things I didn't think I would have the balls to do but did but nothing I have ever sworn never to do, I am pretty good a not doing things.

Do you like the rain?

Do I like the rain? Like is an understatement. I love the rain. Yes I dislike when its sprinkling but I love rain real rain that gets you soaked. The kind you can hear bouncing off of every surface with the doors and windows closed. Rain makes me breath a sigh of releaf. It calms me. It makes me want to take long walks in the dark with someone who can appreciate it as much as I do. I love the puddles and the flood seasons and the way everything is so clean after. It calms me more than anyone else can.

Do you tell your mom or dad everything?

I have never told my dad anything. I have always hated him too much to include him in anything in my life.
When I was younger I told my mom everything, we would stay up all hours of the night talking about things going on in my life. That stopped when I was maybe 18. She just stopped listening, she would fall asleep of just ignore me so I got mad and decided never to tell her anything. Yes there are times I have wanted to run to her and tell her what happened while I was out. For years she knew I was inlove with chris, she didn't like him but accepted that I did so she let me deal with him on my own. The night chis kissed me for the first time I ran home wanted almost needng to tell her but when I got home she said hi and went back to sleep almost immediatley. I pissed me off, she lost her chance to know what was going on in my life.. her time is gone.

Has anyone ever told you they never want to lose you?

I have been thinking about that one, and honestly I don't think anyone has yet. Its sad I guesss. I know my bestfriend and I have said things along those lines but syill. We have been appart for a few years and whenever we need to talk we contact eachother. We are lucky if we get to see eachother once a year. We may not talk all the time but she is always there for me and I'm there for her. We both know we can't live without the other.

Does anyone completely understand you?

Is that even possible? I don't even know if I completely understand myself.. I know there are a few who understand parts of me and who I am but since I have so many walls up people don't get the chance to understand me. Its taken me years to open up as much as I have and I still have a long way to go, so no I don't think anyone completely understands me. Hopefully that will change one day.

Who was the last person to see you cry?

Well I have been doing a lot of crying this last month and a half, but honestly a lot of it has been on my own. I believe the last person to actually see the tears and crys would be chris last month.

What do you do when you get nervous?

When I get nervouse I get super quiet and my mind tends to go blank, its actually quite aggrivating for me really. I also tend to pick at my nailpolish, if it won't pick, then I chew at it until its completely gone. I don't bite my nails like I used to, I just chew at the polish. Gross I know...

Is your bed up against more than one wall?

Yes its against 3 walls. I have a very small room with a queen size bed lol for years I let it take up most of my room but decided one day that I never used my closet bcause I use my dressers so I tore out the shelves of my closet and placed my bed in there. It opened my room up a bunch and its kinda a reading nook when I want it to be.

When was the last time you felt honestly broken?

That would have to be a few days after valentines day.. it wasn't even the whole valentines day lack of a guy in my life thing either. That week I had lost 3 people in my life all unexpectedly. My heart was crushed and work was stressing me out. A friend asked me to hang out and I said yes. I needed to talk and to be with somone who wasn't family. He said to meet so I got ready and I did I met where we were supposed to meet and even went to his house when I didn't want to wait anymore. I knocked ad rang the doorbell a few times but no one came. He wasn't even home. I called and he didn't answer, text and didn't get a response.. I was crushed even more and mad. I went home 10 minutes later lied to my parents as to why I was home so quick then went into my room for the night. I cried and cried. He had broken me more than I had ever been broken. Crying only helped to an extent,I cut and cut and cut. I ended up cutting 15 times that night. I was broken and alone. It was the most alone I have been in a very long time.

If you were ever caught cheating, would you fess up?

In school i Was never one to cheat. I lived in fear of getting caught.

In relationships I don't believe in cheating either.  If you are so bored with the person you are with I believe in ending it before someon gets hurt. If you love someone else own up to it don't be a bitch about it, do something about it.

But I guess that didn't answer the question.. I think it depends on the situation.

Quote Challenge #1 Love

"You cannot force love, I realized. Its there or it isn't. If its not there, you've got to be able to admit it. If it is there, you've got to do whatever it takes to protect the ones you love"
-Richelle Mead

Hate kids

You know what's sad? Because of my job I no longer think I want children.. being a daycare worker has slowly killed my love of kids.. growing up I always said I want atleast 4, now I'm not so sure. Since working here I have given up a few of my friends because when being around them ihave to be around their kids and sinse its after work I don't want to have to deal with their kids.. horrible I know but I have come to the realization that while I love my job and still prefer working with kids instead of adults , on the same level I hate children and no longer wish to have any..

The fact that this stupid kid cries all day everyday at work makes me want to stab people

He said he loved me

Saturday chris said he loves me... it was through a text and I didn't see it for a few hours so I ignored it. Because for me I don't think it counts until he says it in person.. but it still counts because he said it right?? I have the proof.. in an awesome world that would be all it took to make me happy but honestly I don't even know if I acceept that he loves me because he sure hasn't prooven it..

Plus 5

I cut last night. It has been a horribe week I hae lost 3 people in my life all unexpected deaths. Plus fighting with chris and being super emotional anyway I couldn't handle it. I broke down and found my razor.

3 more angels in heaven

In the last 5 days i have lost 3 people who have been important in my life.. my friend Valerie lost her battle with Pulmonary Hypertension and pneumonia on thursday.. my ex bffs grandfather died on sunday and we found out that my grandmother passed away this afternoon from a viral infection... Along with my Nana being in the hospital with her body basically shutting down.. we just pray she holds on longer than this week.. i dont think i could handle another death this month..

Had sex with chris again.. he was super rough and a few times I had to tell him to be gentler..  I cried a few times but not because of his roughness.. he called me pretty and I burst into tears. For 6 yrs I have wated to hear him say it and when he did I couldn't handle it.. we cuddled on the couch until he fell asleep then I walked home.. he then woke me this morning aasking if I wanted to hang out.. I gave him a time and took a shower. When I got out I got a tex saying it would be another hour.. here it is 9 hours later and I haven't heard a thing.. ugh if you are gonna be stupid enough to wake me up you better have the balls to hang out..

Today my skin is screaming for me to pick up the knife. And the work day isn't even over yet. I don think. I can hold out all day.. I hope.

My caridologist retired

I found out today that my cardiologist retired and that's why i haven't been able to get an appointment with him. I called in and they told me that he refered me to someone else but it wast in my file so they have to call me back with the name of the dr.   Man I soo did not want to have to go thru a new dr. Seeing one is stressful enough let alone bringing another one upto speed. Ugh

Went on my first official date with chris last night,we went to a movie it was fun. the night even ended with a kiss on the cheek..

21 days till another depressing holiday.. can't wait

i slept with my best friend yesterday for the first time and even after seeing all of my scars and recent cuts he still continued to call me beautiful. I can tell you that at that moment i had never been more happy or felt more beautiful..

Ice storms

The ice storms and freezing rain have moved in and now it seems the world have stopped due to the fact that its in a thick layer of ice. Then ontop of that the power keeps going out. What am I supposed to do today if I can't see or use my computer?

Snowed in in Seattle

The snow it still falling and we already have 6inches with more on the way. Work was canceled today due to road issues. Just hope it's closed tomorrow too lol. Snow days are fun

Got in a fight with chris tonight.. not sure why he was mad in the first place but he hurt m feelings and I couldn't help myself I started yelling back at him.

New Years

Spend New Years with my cousin and her friend. Not alot happened we kept it kinda low key with Watching movies and playing video games. Then after the fireworks we went to ihop for early breakfast. While doing movies and video games we dyed her friends hair. I rockstared it with bleach on the bottom and purplish black on the top. It didn't turn out too bad. Didn't talk to any of the guys last night tho lol surprisingly. No one really lol.
All n all it was a good but kinda lame new years. Hope we do something fun next time

Fucking Tired of Being Single

how will i realize when i am happy? tonight a guy i know told me he is finally happy to be out a relationship and plans on being happily single for a while. this is a guy who tells me he loves me everyday and that he misses me. then he goes and tells me this and that he is truely happy. i of course mention that i wish i would be that happy. and he told me that i am and i just dont realize it... wtf is that?!?!!he says i need time to realize it. how much fucking time do i need? i tell him. hasnt it been enough fucking time? and he has the nerve to say "obviouslly not"
when will it be enough time? being lonely and single fucking hurts! its been a little over 4yrs. no one wants a relationship with me.. being the girl they want to be around but never date is heartbreaking... im tired of feeling like no one in the world wants me. seriously. im tired of falling for guys who say they want to be with me and never have the balls to to thru with it. AM I THAT HORRIBLE? IS IT THAT HARD TO LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM? I COULD BE SO WONDERFUL AT LOVING SOMEONE IF ONLY THEY WOULD GIVE ME THE CHANCE.

Why would you choose to love me when you could have anyone else?

I don't want to be forgotten but I don't want to be never remembered either

Stressful day at work only to come home to have a super depressing convo with my dad. And none of my friend wanted to hang out tonight so it seemed like a good night to come home and cry

Just a Little Bit By Maria Mena

"Just A Little Bit"

Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
And maybe I'd get there.

Just a little bit pretty
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe I'd get there...

Clearly, clearly I remember
Hiking up my skirt
Asking for your time

Clearly, clearly I remember
Nervous if ever confronted
And questioning myself

Perhaps, perhaps if I got better
Perhaps if I challenged myself
Perhaps if I was

Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy

Maybe I'd get there...

Clearly, clearly I remember
Pulling up my shirt
Staring blank ahead

Clearly, clearly I remember
Days of useless crying
Almost feeling dead

Perhaps, perhaps if I was smaller
Perhaps, I could control myself
Perhaps if I was

something new and different for me

SO I dont know whaat i am doing in my life these days. I have somehow gotten myself into a sexual mixup with two different guys. Both of which are supposedly happily married.. god i dont know what the hell is wrong. i stopped it but still, when did i decide to be the girl who sexts with friends husbands? i hate who i have become yet again... Fuck.

well im through

im officially making myself get over him. again i am sick of how he doesnt think i am worth having in his life. i couldnt bring myself to delete him from my contacts so i changed his name. he is now known as "Why Bother, He doesnt love you". I have to train myself not to text him when i know he wont respond or even mention he has gotten it. He is one of the reasons i cant be happy in my life and i am sick of the control his lack of attention has over my life. I will stop all communication. if he wants to see me or talk to me he must do it, he has to try. Yes my heart will be breaking one day at a time all over again but as i have learned in the past, my heart cant fully heal until it is completely broken, and let me tell you, its almost there. i havent been able to say i love you to anyone in months, the words are ruined for me, its as if i wasted love on him and now i am having trouble giving anymore to anyone. love for me will not be giving away easily.. it has to be earned.. they have to work at it. I will not let myself get carried away with all the small things that make me feel as though i can fly, for those are the things that sooner or later are the reason i feel broken down and sick. its the little things that get into your heart and start to grow, slowly destroying you.. i cant take it anymore, it has to stop. he broke me.. he... didnt even see it happen.

Hand Foot and Mouth Disease

So we have our second case of hand foot and mouth disease at work. The first kid came up with it about 2 weeks ago and their dumbass dr gave them a note to be able to be at school while contageous. Then I got a call from another mom today saying her kid got it and that she was told to tell the school so we could warn people and that her kid won't be back till the blisters are gone. She asked if anyone else got it and I told her about the first kid. Today when parents come I will warn them no matter what. With the first case my boss told us we weren't allowd to say anything about it but we all looked it up and it says legally we have to. So today I will. Its a super contagepus disease and peopl need to know about it.
So I talked to my boss about it when she came back from her lunch and told her what the mother had said. She then said she wanted me to warn the parents. Tell them what to look for just incase, but to keep up with bleaching everything I can.

Its the weekend again. Hope something good happens. Sofar nothing is planned and I plan on not going to church too. I'm kinda sick of it at the moment and have no need or want to be there.

He makes my heart skip a thousand beats. Makes me nervouse like no one else can.

Its ma birthday

Its my birthday today.

I'm 24

Sofar its been fun, we have lunch plans and dinner plans. 

I even got the day off so I got to sleep in a few more hours. It was great.

So effing tired.... ranting...

Everything seems to be getting on my nerves lately. I'm tired of people slacking and me getting in trouble for it.  I'm tired of having to tell someone to do the same tasks every freaking day and having them never catch on. I'm tired of no one listening, of never having a moment to be alone, of never knowing if someone will ever love me. I'm tired of not having better control on my life. I'm tired of my mother trying to finally set boundaaries I don't need only because I still live under her roof. I'm tired of having to pay her bills because she can't afford to. I'm tired of not having a life or atleast one I enjoy and will look back on and not hate it. I'm tired of the lame life I am living and the inabuility to be and do what feels right. I'm tired of conforming to what my mother and family think s what I should and need to be. Why can't I just be who I feel I should be?  Why cant I be the one to break down my own conformist walls and live how I crave to be?  Why you ask? Why? Because I'm a mormon. Because I hate hurting people even if it hurts me. Because being the real me would break. My mothers heart. To have another child fall away from the life she brought us up in. To have another child tell her that the life she chose for me is a life I hate and is the reason I hate her.

Why?

How can I be so heart broken and strung out over someone I never even had?

Today

Its a beautiful day today. The sun is shining and it isn't too hot. Recently its been in the 90s and I do not like that. I hate being too warm all the time, my body runs hot enough as it is. And we don't even have an air conditioner to make it even worse lol so not only an I sweaty but So is everyone else including all the kids who like to climb on you and hold you. Ugh.

Anti social

Ok so I know I have had my bouts of anti socialism in the past but lately every person I make plans with either cancels or doesn't show up. Wtf is that about? Am I that horrible to be around? C says he wants to see me but never picks or settles on a time. B is too busy working 3 jobs and being with his family. A wants to go for a walk sometime soon but not even sure if I know what to expect if I say yes.

My birthday is this week. We have a dinner planned and I honestly wouldn't be suprised if no one showed up. 

Feel the pain?

Was looking down at my leg tonight and for some reason while looking at my scars I started thinking " wow that mist have hurt really bad". I have had them for years and never really thought about the pain I went thru. For years I was in a whole different kind of pain and while they hurt I didn't really ever feel the pain. Never really understood the kind of pain u was in even while it was happening to me.

The V Card

Lost my virginity today. Not at all how I wanted it to happen but I honestly don't regret it and how it happened. I was at work... B showed but, we made out on the couch in the lobby, I was in a skirt, he took advantage of that and I didn't fight him. He has always treated me with respect and love, we had always talked about how he would take my virginity and surprisingly it happened. I don't regret it, I got it out of the way.. its done.

Crawling in my skin today, feeling very trapped, my heart is pounding and my skin hurts, the slightest movement hurts

So I am fairly certain that the pains I have been experiencing these last few weeks are caused directly from my emotions. Its not all the time my chest pains are connected to them, in fact its rare if they are. But this past months been taking a toll on me. Chris and I made a break thru, we spoke our minds and were where I thought was sturdy ground. But of course even after he says his usual amazingness. He has vanished again, it all ended with more broken promises and lots of pain on my end yet again. My heart has been aching, feeling truely broken. I'm in a constant pain and no clue how to make it better. I need him like I need air and it feels like I'm running out of breath.

walking alone through life

I was in need of a seriously good cry tonight so i took a shower, got dressed, tried to find someone to be with but no one answered so i went for a walk alone. I never go anywhere alone. at first it was liberating and wonderful, then the night came crawling in and it got terrifying and lonely. Walking while terrified and heartbroken is a hard thing to do... not to mention my fear of the unknown in the dark. not sure i will do that again. the worst part i never even got to cry, what a waste.. :(

This is one of those things that I'm already regretting.

changes.. maybe

So the other night i was having a really hard night bealing with life and the men in my life. I got to just talk for a few hours about all that is and has been going on and my cousin really got what i was talking about. He helped me realize that maybe waiting around for "him" is what is holding me back in more than one way. He treats me a way i know i deserve better than. i was asked if i had someone else worth my time.. and you know what after thinking about it i realized there is. B has been in my life alot longer than C and has never hurt me or even made me feel less than what i am. He treats me like he loves me.. he tells me he loves me every day and tells me i deserve the world. I am the one who is always holding back, i am the one who is hurting myself and my chances of finding happiness. C makes and breaks promises, but with B im always the one backing out, my feelings for him have always been way to strong for me to deal with and i think im ready to start breaking down the walls i have put up around my feelings for him.

Crying over my soup while watching Breakfast at Tiffanys.. not how i saw my night going..

For some reason we never seem to be in sync... it doesnt help that he never truely speaks his mind unless i dig, and to tell you the truth.. im sick of digging.. last night he contacted me but only spoke in short vague texts to which i refused to probe into to see what he would do. he didnt do anything, he just stopped and didnt respond all day today.. today i want to hang out but apparently since i didnt want to hang outlast night he decided he didnt want to hang out tonight. only if i dont want to i say it, if he doesnt want to he avoids it all together..

if he would have answerd his phone i would have had my way with him.

a bit weepy

Feeling a tad weepy today, still feeling ok in my skin, but weepy. It seems i could cry at the drop of a hat but that wouldnt be a first now would it lol. Is it love or depression? who knows lately they seem to have the same effect on me.

No Holding Back

Today scars are out. I haven't had them out in years. I decided today "why the hell not", people know they exist they might as well know what's there. Today I am home in my body. At last.. Let's hope it lasts.

Had a better day today, still not feeling awesomely wanted but yeah.. good night world, i love you.

Im Done

Tonight I send out a huge FUCK YOU to the world.. im dont tonight, im sick of the ones who claim to love and never show it. im sick of those who make promises and dont intend to keep them. im tired of the boys who one day make yoou feel like you are their world then treat you like the never knew you existed. im tired of those whom you serve and never get thanked. Those who applaud you to your face and shoot you down as you walk away. the ones who make your heart race and then break.. the one who makes want to fly, scream, laugh, and throw up all at the same time. Fuck YOU!

What makes someone just stop talking mid convo? especially when they started talking to you? they started the whole need for interaction? i will never understand that, its been two fucking hours and he stopped after he asked a question and i answered.. then nothing. wtf!

Then man of my dreams is suffering as his family is falling apart and he is avoiding me again! And its killing me, I want to be there for him and he won't let me.

Its impossible for it to be up to me... Whenever its up to me you rather be with or talk to anyone else in the world.

I want to cry tonight.. is that ok?
chris hasnt returned any form of communication all day and im feeling alone.

my nana is sick, she has been on kidney dialysis for over a year and isnt getting better, she has been on oxygen for even longer. last week she was feeling off at the family party and stayed in bed the whole time. then she started feeling horrible pain that made her throw up. she was admitted to the hospital sunday night and has improved very little. tomorrow they are transfering her to another facility and next week boppa is having a family meeting with all my aunts about what is gonna happen next.
for the past 10 yrs i have said i basically hate this woman because when i was young she had a stroke and became a very mean woman. but honestly, she has been my nana, the only grandmother i have that knows who i am. my other grandma is so far gone she doesnt know anyone anymore. i dont want to lose my nana, i love my nana.

Found a spot on my leg last night that didnt have any marks on it. Automatically i had the urge to have a scar there.. i didnt cut but now i feel like there is an emptiness that needs to be filled by another mark.

Just got chills and slightly turned on while watching a knife slice easily through a watermelon

Im getting away

So this week is my vacation off from work and i dont have to go back until the 6th. im soo ready. the first few days were fun but its today that i have been waiting for. I get to go spend a few days with my best friend and her husband plus i get to see a few other friends i havent seen in about a year. some of those meetings will be rather awkward but most will or should be fun.
I dyed my hair again last night its deep almost velvety red, its actually the origional color i wanted instead of the bright red i got last time.
Man hope these next few days go great i neeed some fun in my life.

Been on the brink of tears today, everything just seems to push me just that far. haven't totally cried but tears have been shed. I guess i just really need a hug. tomorrow is my first day of vacation and we are planning to go to the zoo with my brother and his family, i'm actually really excited about it we haven't ever done something with his whole family just usually his wife.

Feeling alone today, utterly and helplessly alone. It doesnt help that I an seriously the only person at my job today, alone.. must be my destiny because thats how I end up every night. Its not the weather either, I love the rain, it usually makes me happy but for some reason today it isnt. I have tried reading, napping, working, cleaning, nothing seems to work when there is no one there to fix it.
where is chris? where is the one guy who can make me feel better just by being around me, by talking to me.. where is he and why doesn he seem to be avoiding me even when he says he isnt? He is still avoiding my texts and calls. I have only attempted contact once this week and there was nothing in responce. I should be used to his lack of interest but he says he is interested just busy. I dont believe it either way but have been working on trusting him, I have been told i have trust issues lol yeah cause i didnt know that already lol.