"I don't care"

"I don't care"

Triggering words said to me in an emotional moment after a rough day..after an emotional day.  My emotions becoming tears that are the drip drip dripping to a cup that is filled to the brim. Moments away from breaching the threshold. 

In the back of my mind the demon screams we need physical pain to tame us. My skin still aches in these moments.. years later... I won't do it.. I can't do it.. I want to do it.. 

Changes in my life are in the possible near future.  And my mind reminds me that it could all just not happen, then what?  The anxiety of it all eats at my soul. The anger and rage built inside is a different level of evil eating away at my soul. The constant "why would anything good happen to you?" The "if you do this someone or something will prove you a fraud" a fraud of what I have no actual idea. 

my depression and anxiety

What does my anxiety and depression f

eel like??? Tightness in chest, Paranoia, constant crying knowing I could stay in bed and sleep all day but knowing better that if I don't go to work some idiot will teach my class So i cry all the way to work. It's waking up and completely hyperventilating while sobbing uncontrollably. It's constantly needing a hug but said hug brings the tears. Ita a fit of rage that ripples to multiple unsuspecting people, who happen to be in my wake. It's being numb and not caring enough to brush my hair for days on end and then ripping the knots out instead of brushing it out. It's playing videogames instead of doing homework. 

My baby almost dies

Today she made a strange noise, got quiet and stopped moving then went red. Of course I just thought she had died so I pick her up and see if I notice anything strange. I don't see anything so I place her on her dock thinking she needs to rest. After 30 min I come back but she is still red. Worried I picked her up and emptied her and her filter with no luck. So I rummage through the bookshelves for the manual and find the troubleshoot page. Found even more filters, took those apart and found something shiny. Foil and a candy wrapper blocking a pipe. I can't reach in it so I search for long tweezers or pliers. I finally find a pair of gardening tweezers that barely made it through the tube. Removed the blockage put back all her pieces and placed her on her dock to rest. She changed from red to blue immediately and I left her to do her thing. So after charging for a bit she got back to work. So glad I could help her.

Day 1 of 2016

Well it's January 1st and I think back on this last year, it was a lot of fun. B and I did a few fun things and our relationship has grown so much. He has helped me grow so much. I started exercising this last year, I vacationed, I realized who I am as a person, I even changed classrooms at work. I admit work has been a bit more stressful this yeah working with a brand new teacher but it's a different kind of stress than the years past. I am excited to see what this new year brings. Perhaps something big. Who knows. This month is our third anniversary, our third year of loving each other and seeing that love grow more and more.

Ranting...

I am having a hard time with life right now. With being too broke to do anything, I am just trying to make it thru Christmas and paying hospital bills while not starving...and with work and my love life. The holiday season is always a stressful one, but I feel as though at the end of the night I am so exhausted that I don't want to come back the next day. I always do though because I am the reliable one. Today we had five teachers out it was ridiculous, we barely had enough people to get breaks. Plus with the non stop rain we only got the kids outside once today. The kids are getting cabin fever and winter hasn't even hit yet. They holiday season should be fun not stressful, I hate being so negative all the time but I can't seem to help it. I'm angry or emotional with small bouts of happy mixed in. I am frustrated all the time with myself. In the last three years I have gained 25lbs. I am not at my heaviest but that's because I have been working out a bit and trying not to snack as often. I am currently at 224.7lbs and I feel it. I feel all of it. My heart is the healthiest it has every been but I am not and I hate myself for that. I started out riding the stationary bike and worked up to the elliptical. I went from 20 minutes to over an hour workouts. After breaking my foot last fall the foot does hurt a lot by the end of the work day and surprisingly the workouts haven't been too bad. Some days it even feels amazing at the end.

Stress eating away at me

Holy ball of stress. Ugh today is a day I want to cry, scream and throw up all at once.  How is it one person can ruin a day for you with just one sentence.

My family

The older I get and the more time I spend with my family,  the more I realize how much I hate them. Every minute with them irritates me more and more

My Birthday

Ok I have to admit my birthday went alot better than I thought it would. Friday I went to a Charlotte Sometimes concert with a friend. It was the longest concert ever but it was totally worth it. Charlotte was amazing I got to meet her and got a picture with her.
Saturday we had my birthday breakfast at IHOP and it was fun. I dressed up all fancy. It was mom dad ash brian Jeanette and brandon. sad was onlh a little bit awkward and Jeanette tamed ashleys bitchiness. After breakfast I went with brandon. We went to the Alderwood mall and he bought me 4 pair of leggings and a waterbottle from rei. For lunch we had coldstone then went back to his place and watched more dexter. It was a fun day.
Sunday morning he drove me home and I took a nice long nap then took the family out to dinner. I chose the Olive Garden. It was nice. On the way home there was a large thunderstorm. It was a good weekend.  
I turned in my insurance application this morning and new coverage should start October 1st. Which is good because I get cut off September 30th. Big sigh of relief here.

My last friday

So its my last friday at work and I am so glad it is. I work monday and tuesday next week and then I am done! Soo ready. Wednesday I start my new job. I am nervous but soo excited about doing something different. I'm still In childcare but different ages. Plus it has benefits.

Hate kids

You know what's sad? Because of my job I no longer think I want children.. being a daycare worker has slowly killed my love of kids.. growing up I always said I want atleast 4, now I'm not so sure. Since working here I have given up a few of my friends because when being around them ihave to be around their kids and sinse its after work I don't want to have to deal with their kids.. horrible I know but I have come to the realization that while I love my job and still prefer working with kids instead of adults , on the same level I hate children and no longer wish to have any..