"I don't care"

"I don't care"

Triggering words said to me in an emotional moment after a rough day..after an emotional day.  My emotions becoming tears that are the drip drip dripping to a cup that is filled to the brim. Moments away from breaching the threshold. 

In the back of my mind the demon screams we need physical pain to tame us. My skin still aches in these moments.. years later... I won't do it.. I can't do it.. I want to do it.. 

Changes in my life are in the possible near future.  And my mind reminds me that it could all just not happen, then what?  The anxiety of it all eats at my soul. The anger and rage built inside is a different level of evil eating away at my soul. The constant "why would anything good happen to you?" The "if you do this someone or something will prove you a fraud" a fraud of what I have no actual idea. 

my depression and anxiety

What does my anxiety and depression f

eel like??? Tightness in chest, Paranoia, constant crying knowing I could stay in bed and sleep all day but knowing better that if I don't go to work some idiot will teach my class So i cry all the way to work. It's waking up and completely hyperventilating while sobbing uncontrollably. It's constantly needing a hug but said hug brings the tears. Ita a fit of rage that ripples to multiple unsuspecting people, who happen to be in my wake. It's being numb and not caring enough to brush my hair for days on end and then ripping the knots out instead of brushing it out. It's playing videogames instead of doing homework. 

one of those days

Today has been one of those days. A day where from the beginning I felt off. I woke from a nightmare that I could only remember flashes of but woke with a headache. We ran errands and I told him I needed food so I told him I wanted McDonald's. So we went to McDonald's I gave my order and even repeated it for the guy. We got in the car and we're on the highway when we looked in the bag and some of my food was missing. I lost it.. I started bawling. I was so angry. B gave me some of his food which was what I was missing and said he loved me. He then watched me with a smile while I cried while I ate knowing I needed to eat. The amount of rage that filled me he knew leaving me along was his best move but made sure I knew he loved me and was there for me. I cried three other times today over other small things. I stopped getting my period not long after getting my IUD but noticed I still get my emotional surges each month. B does his best to tolerate me during those times. He has also notice that since this birth control my emotions have had extreme highs and lows. I have been trying to keep my emotions in check but they are stronger than ever. I even cried at work this week. 

The Happiest Place on Earth

About two weeks ago B and I went on my first real vacation. My first flight ever. It was fun and exciting to see the land from so high up. We went to Disneyland for five days. It started out stressful but turned out perfect. We saw all of our favorite characters and rode all the rides we could. We ate the Disney food and even got sick from a few rides. We took all the pictures, ended up with over 400. On the 27th we waited in line for almost an hour to see Chinese New Year Minnie and Mickey. When we finally get to see them we took pictures when B asked for one more. I turned to see him down on one knee. I honestly didn't see it coming. It was so sweet. The ring is 3 gems in the shape of a Mickey mouse head. It's beautiful and a starter ring and I love it. The best part is we got pictures of the whole thing.

While I am so excited that it has happened I still feel more or less empty inside. I'm happy but so sad I cry almost every day. I don't understand my own emotions. My mood swings have been erratic and B has been so patient with me. People are expecting me to know exactly what I want my wedding to be like when really I thought I had ideas but now I'm questioning all of those ideas. I know I would like it in front of a barn but not sure if it's what I want too. We haven't even set a date. We just said it would be a year or two out.