My Darkness

Tonight I am feeling something I haven't felt in a very long time. I am tense, stressed, anxious. I am crawling in my skin. I am frustrated with life right now. I tried to journal but it didn't feel right. I'm to tense to write anything. As much as B tries to understand and no matter how I try to explain what this feeling is he just never gets it. the loneliness and emptiness I feel rocks my core and no matter what he does I have to ride out the storm inside. tonight its been hours. the ache for sharp relief is there.. but.. I have gone so long without it I know I cant.. I have been so strong in the fight. I have had many nights where I cry uncontrollably when the emptiness wins. When I'm alone I can handle it but when It creeps in when I'm with him it is even harder. He has seen it start with a single happy tear and continue for hours with tears full of empty heartache. My emotions control me now more than they ever have before and its so frustrating. even now the tears refuse to stop. the stress slowly draining but the ache and crawling remain. Life right now is full of uncertainty and its not helping my anxiety. I know that I am starting my new job in September but I still haven't had the chance to confirm anything over there. I know that B and I are moving in together but don't know the actual time yet and as it stands I will be starting my new job before we even move which means I have to figure out how to commute to and from while still living with mom and dad. Ugh I don't know what to do with life these days.

Ranting...

I am having a hard time with life right now. With being too broke to do anything, I am just trying to make it thru Christmas and paying hospital bills while not starving...and with work and my love life. The holiday season is always a stressful one, but I feel as though at the end of the night I am so exhausted that I don't want to come back the next day. I always do though because I am the reliable one. Today we had five teachers out it was ridiculous, we barely had enough people to get breaks. Plus with the non stop rain we only got the kids outside once today. The kids are getting cabin fever and winter hasn't even hit yet. They holiday season should be fun not stressful, I hate being so negative all the time but I can't seem to help it. I'm angry or emotional with small bouts of happy mixed in. I am frustrated all the time with myself. In the last three years I have gained 25lbs. I am not at my heaviest but that's because I have been working out a bit and trying not to snack as often. I am currently at 224.7lbs and I feel it. I feel all of it. My heart is the healthiest it has every been but I am not and I hate myself for that. I started out riding the stationary bike and worked up to the elliptical. I went from 20 minutes to over an hour workouts. After breaking my foot last fall the foot does hurt a lot by the end of the work day and surprisingly the workouts haven't been too bad. Some days it even feels amazing at the end.

Insulation

That moment when the love of your life tells you you need to lost some "insulation " before summer hits and your heart just breaks because you realize he thinks you are fat and doesn't want to be a dick about it