my depression and anxiety

What does my anxiety and depression f

eel like??? Tightness in chest, Paranoia, constant crying knowing I could stay in bed and sleep all day but knowing better that if I don't go to work some idiot will teach my class So i cry all the way to work. It's waking up and completely hyperventilating while sobbing uncontrollably. It's constantly needing a hug but said hug brings the tears. Ita a fit of rage that ripples to multiple unsuspecting people, who happen to be in my wake. It's being numb and not caring enough to brush my hair for days on end and then ripping the knots out instead of brushing it out. It's playing videogames instead of doing homework. 

Day of tears

I cried today. ALOT. Stress from school paired with my anxiety and life crap have been weighing me down. I cried in the car on the way to work and through my entire call with my teacher and a little I front of the kids at work too. And then on my break and again on my lunch then again on my way home. I was asked multiple times today if I was "ok". And I couldn't say yes. My answer was "no not really but I'm here" my eyes were brimmed with tears all day. 

one of those days

Today has been one of those days. A day where from the beginning I felt off. I woke from a nightmare that I could only remember flashes of but woke with a headache. We ran errands and I told him I needed food so I told him I wanted McDonald's. So we went to McDonald's I gave my order and even repeated it for the guy. We got in the car and we're on the highway when we looked in the bag and some of my food was missing. I lost it.. I started bawling. I was so angry. B gave me some of his food which was what I was missing and said he loved me. He then watched me with a smile while I cried while I ate knowing I needed to eat. The amount of rage that filled me he knew leaving me along was his best move but made sure I knew he loved me and was there for me. I cried three other times today over other small things. I stopped getting my period not long after getting my IUD but noticed I still get my emotional surges each month. B does his best to tolerate me during those times. He has also notice that since this birth control my emotions have had extreme highs and lows. I have been trying to keep my emotions in check but they are stronger than ever. I even cried at work this week. 

Crippling Anxiety

I woke up today with nausea and within minutes I began crying. No real reason. I couldn't face the day. It was impossible to get out of bed. Then I started thinking about work knowing we are short handed and the anxiety of knowing I would most likely be alone or working with some random sub and that made the anxiety overwhelm me. I finally stopped crying, got up, got partially dressed and started sobbing again. I couldn't do it so I called in to work. I couldn't control myself. I told them my situation and they understood what was going on and just asked me to call in around noon and hopefully come in around 1 to help close. The sobbing continued for a good 30 more minutes. And I am finally calmed down. I do have a major headache now. I may take a nap.

Telling

So after this week im not sure how my family will see me. I promised my bf id spend my vacation days with him or atleast mostly with him. But my family still doesnt know I stay at his house.
I kniw they must suspect something because he brings me home each weekend but I just cant knowingly know I am a disappointment to them. I love him and he makes me happier than they have in yrs