my heart in more ways than one

Well my 3 month appointment came and went. they ran tests and came to the conclusion that while surgery definitely helped, my heart still has its flaws. My Bicuspid is still leaking even after the fix so it seems my heart is meant to run that way. they aren't concerned because I am still doing fine. I have the irregular beat still but its only every so often and not anywhere what it was which is good but we will continue to watch it and they want me to go back in in 6 months for another ultrasound to keep an eye on it. I did experience my first actual pain the other day.. it was sharp, deep and fast and right along my scar. In the heart of my heart I think I know something. Life and love with Brandon has been a bit different lately. I think something is going on inside him, while he shows love and affection he also seems more bitter and indignant. He is who I am with, who I crave, who pops up in my mind throughout the day and he is the one who has my heart. I ache just thinking about the day when he might actually realize he no longer wants me in his life. It physically hurts to think about. I have never felt like this with someone. I thought I knew love with Chris but I was oh so wrong. what I has with him was nothing compared to what I have now. I now know the difference in giving your heart to someone who doesn't want it or care about it, and giving your heart to one who loves you in return. One who looks at you like you matter to them, who makes you feel magical. I cannot say I see my whole life with him but I cant imagine not being with him. Tonight mom asked how serious we are, whether we see our lives together or moving towards that level. Honestly I would move to that level in a heartbeat but there is that part of me that believes that while he does love me he doesn't love me or want me on that level. I think he believes I am holding back still and he is almost resentful. He mentioned something about me always pulling away from him when he is trying to be intimate. I could believe it, it made me think.. do I? maybe I have once or twice but not to my recognition. If anything I crave his touch because he isn't interested in intimacy. Just his touch calms me and I don't think he understands that. Yes I have my moments (that I have had for yrs) where someone else touching me hurts my skin, but with him it rarely happens. Its rare with him. He is the one my heart sings for, He is my sand dollar on the beach.

Life After Heart Surgery

Its a little over a month since surgery and I can officially say I am off pain meds. Oh my god it has been a rough few weeks. From ER visits to countless calls to the hospital about pain and other problems. The pharmacy not filling prescriptions, and Drs taking hours to call back it was so hard and painful and having nurses look at me in pain while knowing I was weeks out of heart surgery and still treat me like I was a drug seeking crazy person. After filing complaints on nurses and various staff, I finally got a Dr to listen to me and help me. Sleeping was impossible although I was constantly exhausted and passing out in chairs. Taking pain pills every three hours was taking a toll on me and in the end I fought it, I decided to suffer through the night just so I could sleep more than 2 hrs at a time. Being stuck with family has been my hardest issue. B has been visiting and going out when he isn't working and its been wonderful. Even my mom is starting to like him. Being around him helped with the pain, he calms me and makes it easier. My aunt took me away for 5 days to Portland, we did lots of tourist things and it was very relaxing, I even got a haircut. While on the trip I weened myself off of the pain meds too so that has made things easier. Next week is my Second Check Back appointment and then soon after that I get to go back to work. I am ready for work.