Feeling off

Feeling a bit off today. I dont know what it is but I have this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear. I feel as tho I  could cry at any moment. I havent had a day like this in months, I  want to crawl in bed and let the world dissappear.

Alice in Wonderland part 2

My valentine's day gift was part 2 of my tattoo. I could only sit for 2 hrs because my hit was killing me and the pain almost made me throw up a few times. We had to schedule my 3rd appointment  a little further out so its march 22nd. Should be mostly healed by then.

Alice in Wonderland part 1

Superbowl sunday I got the outline of my tattoo done. It took 4 hrs and by hr three i was pretty much going crazy and was super fidgety.  I Love it! Its been almost a week and is just starting to itch so it hasnt been too bad. I go in again on the 15th to fill it in. Wooo

Changes to my body

For Christmas B is giving me a Tattoo, I couldn't get in until feb, but I am soo excited! I am going to get a thigh piece of Alice In Wonderland.. It will cover almost all my scars on my right leg, and will be beautiful.

freed from my shell

The man I love freed me from the shell of a life I didnt even know I was stuck in.

Tired of being the villan at pick up

Today I just  want  to throw up from stress. Waiting to get a talk from admin about  a situation last  week and  it  still hasn't happened yet which is weird. Apparently i was too harsh when talking to a parent ona day i had been very  distraught on and  after i knew i would get pulled in for it. Its just hard when someone looks at you like you are the villan every day

Weekends without B

Weekends without B are getting harder and harder to bear. Aside from being lonely and stuck with the family, I feel empty not being near him. I crave just to be near him, to feel his touch, his breath on my neck. Every other weekend with him just isn't doing it. He is my sunshine, he wants my soul and fills all the emptiness. I see a future with him in my life and I know he loves me and needs me in his life, I just always have that thought in the deep crevases of my mind that I'm not enough. That's the part that needs the constant refill of him. When he is around I don't question him or anything, he is mine and all mine. He's mine and I'm not going anywhere.

My family

The older I get and the more time I spend with my family,  the more I realize how much I hate them. Every minute with them irritates me more and more

Biggest fear ever

What if no one ever loves me enough to love me forever?

He Moved

This last weekend I helped B pack up his house and move back in with his parents. It was a great weekend but kinda hard knowing he is gonna be even further away for the next few months :( seeing him will be harder. it will be easier having the family know im at his house which also happens to be his parents house.

Telling

So after this week im not sure how my family will see me. I promised my bf id spend my vacation days with him or atleast mostly with him. But my family still doesnt know I stay at his house.
I kniw they must suspect something because he brings me home each weekend but I just cant knowingly know I am a disappointment to them. I love him and he makes me happier than they have in yrs

my heart in more ways than one

Well my 3 month appointment came and went. they ran tests and came to the conclusion that while surgery definitely helped, my heart still has its flaws. My Bicuspid is still leaking even after the fix so it seems my heart is meant to run that way. they aren't concerned because I am still doing fine. I have the irregular beat still but its only every so often and not anywhere what it was which is good but we will continue to watch it and they want me to go back in in 6 months for another ultrasound to keep an eye on it. I did experience my first actual pain the other day.. it was sharp, deep and fast and right along my scar. In the heart of my heart I think I know something. Life and love with Brandon has been a bit different lately. I think something is going on inside him, while he shows love and affection he also seems more bitter and indignant. He is who I am with, who I crave, who pops up in my mind throughout the day and he is the one who has my heart. I ache just thinking about the day when he might actually realize he no longer wants me in his life. It physically hurts to think about. I have never felt like this with someone. I thought I knew love with Chris but I was oh so wrong. what I has with him was nothing compared to what I have now. I now know the difference in giving your heart to someone who doesn't want it or care about it, and giving your heart to one who loves you in return. One who looks at you like you matter to them, who makes you feel magical. I cannot say I see my whole life with him but I cant imagine not being with him. Tonight mom asked how serious we are, whether we see our lives together or moving towards that level. Honestly I would move to that level in a heartbeat but there is that part of me that believes that while he does love me he doesn't love me or want me on that level. I think he believes I am holding back still and he is almost resentful. He mentioned something about me always pulling away from him when he is trying to be intimate. I could believe it, it made me think.. do I? maybe I have once or twice but not to my recognition. If anything I crave his touch because he isn't interested in intimacy. Just his touch calms me and I don't think he understands that. Yes I have my moments (that I have had for yrs) where someone else touching me hurts my skin, but with him it rarely happens. Its rare with him. He is the one my heart sings for, He is my sand dollar on the beach.

Life After Heart Surgery

Its a little over a month since surgery and I can officially say I am off pain meds. Oh my god it has been a rough few weeks. From ER visits to countless calls to the hospital about pain and other problems. The pharmacy not filling prescriptions, and Drs taking hours to call back it was so hard and painful and having nurses look at me in pain while knowing I was weeks out of heart surgery and still treat me like I was a drug seeking crazy person. After filing complaints on nurses and various staff, I finally got a Dr to listen to me and help me. Sleeping was impossible although I was constantly exhausted and passing out in chairs. Taking pain pills every three hours was taking a toll on me and in the end I fought it, I decided to suffer through the night just so I could sleep more than 2 hrs at a time. Being stuck with family has been my hardest issue. B has been visiting and going out when he isn't working and its been wonderful. Even my mom is starting to like him. Being around him helped with the pain, he calms me and makes it easier. My aunt took me away for 5 days to Portland, we did lots of tourist things and it was very relaxing, I even got a haircut. While on the trip I weened myself off of the pain meds too so that has made things easier. Next week is my Second Check Back appointment and then soon after that I get to go back to work. I am ready for work.

1week post op

Last Wednesday I went in for my 4th open heart surgery, and 5th heart surgery. It's been a long hard week. They said it was an extremely difficult surgery and took them an hour and a half longer than they thought it would. The hospital was better than I thought it would be.I had great nurses and lots o visitors. B was there most of the days and was amazing. He was precious and delecate. He held my hand and rubbed my back and took me on walks and helped me to the bathroom when the nurses weren't fast enough. The weekend before my surgery told me he loved me and hearing that felt as good as I thought it would. I came home from the hospital last night. Hardest thing ever! The family has been driving me crazy and while trying to help have been hurting me. I'm so damn sore and achy it hurts to move. I barely slept and when I did it wasn't for very long. I can't seem to get comfortable but hopefully I will get a hospital bed by Friday. I just hope I can sleep before then.

It's almost here

Well u have 3 and a half days of work left before I go in for surgery. The kids at work are still learning the concept of time and ask everyday if I am fixed yet. But boy am I ready. While I am ready for it I am also a bit nervous, the word is out and I'm fairly certain everyone knows what's going on.  It's going to be weird and stressful and hard. I have no memory of the pain of the last open heart surgery I had. If anything that is what makes me nervous the most, my pain tolerance is nowhere near where it used to be.

Heart Surgery is set

My heart surgery is happening. I called the hospital today and scheduled it for January 22nd. It's going to be the biggest surgery I have had. Repairing at least 4 parts of my heart. I also have appointment s on the 9th for Reading test results and another on the 16th for pre-op stuff. I plan to work up until the day before surgery and hope I don't get worse before than. I haven't had the easiest time sleeping or breathing and I have been uber emotional and crying a lot. I have been. Having nightmares about the after.like Dieing and not healing right. Or like B not wanting to be around me or treating me different.I want him to be there when I wake up but I don't in a way, I don't want to have him there. Like I don't want my family with me the whole time. I don't want to be around my family during my recovery. I hate that mom is so effing protective and doesn't want me out of her sight. B wants me to spend time recovering at his house, and I swear if they drive me ready I might just do it. I hate that I will be in the hospital for his birthday and our 1yr anniversary and still in recovery for Valentine's day. Ugh so frustrating.

Heart Surgery coming

Over the last 2 weeks I have been noticing my heart is having more issues than not. I last saw my cardiologist in September and they said to come back in December. Well Monday was bad, I knew I had an appointment on Tuesday bit wanted to see my Dr too so I got an appointment on Wednesday. Two days at the hospital.  Tuesday was a day of tests.  I had a transesophegeal ultrasound and they found something they weren't sure about and ordered a ct. 7 hrs later I left the hospital frazzled. So much uncertainty. Wednesday I met with the Dr's and learned that they saw things they weren't expecting. What they thought would only be 1 or 2 things was really 4 and some that they wouldn't know how to fix until they go in. They decided that surgery will be open heart and will be sooner rather than later, we have hit our window and they are taking it. I meet with the surgeon next Thursday to discuss options and hopefully a timeline.

I went in to work Wednesday and was a complete mess I talked to my boss and told her my situation. Recovery time is 8 to 12 weeks and she and her husband are willing to keep me covered on insurance and just have me pay the monthly stuff when I return. I was so greatful they are willing to help. Still very stressed but it's a bit easier knowing a fix is coming.

Getting sick I can feel it

Today I feel like poo. I have been progressively getting more and more sick since sunday. With nasel issues and nausea and today I add a massive headache plus more pain in the nasel area. Not a very fun way to start off thanksgiving break. Ugh .

Happy/love

So I have been thinking, am I ready to say I love you? Is that what hes waiting for? Are the I ♥yous not enough for him? Neither of us have said love, not even once. Whats stopping us? If we cant say it then what are we putting ourselves thru? There have been times I have stopped myself from saying love because it was a cliché of a time or fear of nothing in return. He still boggles my mind and heart and the un answeredness of it all is what eats me from the inside. I ask him what he needs from me or if he wants anything about us to change and he claims to be happy but is he happy enought? Am I happy enough? 

My Birthday

Ok I have to admit my birthday went alot better than I thought it would. Friday I went to a Charlotte Sometimes concert with a friend. It was the longest concert ever but it was totally worth it. Charlotte was amazing I got to meet her and got a picture with her.
Saturday we had my birthday breakfast at IHOP and it was fun. I dressed up all fancy. It was mom dad ash brian Jeanette and brandon. sad was onlh a little bit awkward and Jeanette tamed ashleys bitchiness. After breakfast I went with brandon. We went to the Alderwood mall and he bought me 4 pair of leggings and a waterbottle from rei. For lunch we had coldstone then went back to his place and watched more dexter. It was a fun day.
Sunday morning he drove me home and I took a nice long nap then took the family out to dinner. I chose the Olive Garden. It was nice. On the way home there was a large thunderstorm. It was a good weekend.  
I turned in my insurance application this morning and new coverage should start October 1st. Which is good because I get cut off September 30th. Big sigh of relief here.

Stressing out

My birthday is in 3 days. I have never been more scared of a birthday. I will be turning 26 and taken off my parents insurance by the end of the month. My new job offers benefits but not until 60 days after I started which is the end of October. This terrifies me. With my health i have always been covered. I have big appointments with major tests coming up and I have to be covered for those. Especially with an impending surgery coming up I hate this being a grown up is too stressful. 

My last friday

So its my last friday at work and I am so glad it is. I work monday and tuesday next week and then I am done! Soo ready. Wednesday I start my new job. I am nervous but soo excited about doing something different. I'm still In childcare but different ages. Plus it has benefits.

Weekend at B's

After the horrible week I barely made it through B came and picked me up friday after work. We went to the movies then back to his house for the night. We spent most of the night cuddling and watching movies. We barely keep our hands off eachother. :) the next morning again we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. At one point whatever I was doing to him he started twitching and flailing around haha it was soo weird. That had never happedn to either of us before so it was hilarious, I didn't stop either haha atleast not for a little bit longer.  He is so much fun to be around and is the closest thing to happy I have had in a long time.

Tears and I are close friends

There are days where I truly believe I beat my depression. Where life can't get any better. Then there are days where you realise you love someone infinitely more than they love or even like you. I feel it and know what it feels like but can't say it because I have that gut feeling that tells me not to tell him because he doesn't feel the same. Yes he Chose me but from the beginning I was his second choice. I have opened up my life to him. He has met my whole family, and has my heart when I didn't think I would give it to him. Here it is 6 months together and he has yet to let me into his life other than his arms. Who is his family? Who are his friends?  Why hasn't he mentioned me to his family? Ugh really not liking life right now.

Vaca

Well my vacation didn't start how I wanted it to. First off I started coughing on the 4th and by the 5th I had a swollen throat and fever of 101.8 and went into urgent care to find out I had pneumonia and tonsillitis which turned into pneumonia and strep throat. Ugh not fun. Here it is Thursday and even with being on meds almost a week I still have some strep left in my throat.  On top of that yesterday was day one of vacation and I had to go to the dr because my breast have been inflamed for almost a week due to trauma. So I went to the dr and yep infected so now I have an ointment for that along with my other sickness it's a good week to be on vacation. Except for the fact that I'm not home. I'm staying with a friend who is in town for a few days then heading to B's for a few days before he takes me home.  He's just not allowed to touch the girls for a while. 

Update

The last few months have been very busy. My Grandfather got married in January and we are still getting used to having his lady in our lives but we seem to like her. B and I had our first date the weekend of my grandfathers wedding and became official exactly a month later. We have been together ever since. He is adorable and precious and we haven't said the L word yet but that's OK, I'm OK with that. I haven't met his parents or family or friends yet and that's a little weird considering he has met my family, the girls i work with and a cousin... just a bit odd. He makes me melt, and i am more comfortable around him than i am when I'm by myself. We have had many firsts and not all of them have been ones we had wanted to experience, but its something we worked through. For a long time we saw each other every 3 to 5 days but lately we have been hitting the every other Friday and have seemed to be running out of things to talk about. Work has been getting very stressful, i love the kids i really do but with the stress of health and love life and work in general its hard to enjoy it all that much. I Cut again a few months back and B knows about it and accepts that i do it tho he doesn't support the fact that i do it. I have been crying a lot and have been having the overwhelming feeling of emptiness and loneliness and the need to cry or throw up. Days where staying awake is so hard because sleep life is so much better than what is going on in life these days.

Serious?

How did I become the girl guys kiss but won't get serious with? What's wrong with me that they can't get serious with me ?

No one ever keeps plans

Apparently the world thinks its ok to cancel on my repeatedly. That's ok I needed another reason to hate myself and everyone around me. In the last week I have been canceled on 5 times by 2 different people. Both of which made the plans with me each time and canceled with less than an hour of said meeting time. One night he was supposed to pick me up from work. Didn't show and u had to wait an hour for my sister to come get me. Why do people think its ok to cancel on me and at the last minute too? How am I that unimportant to everyone I come in contact with? What the hell is wrong with me?

Can someone tell me...

How did I become so utterly forgettable?

my body hates me

im pretty sure my body hates me. not only do i have a fever, i also have pink eye, yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis and body aches.. today sucks

Happy 25th Birthday ME!

Its My 25th Birthday! yay me! its a few days past two weeks since heart surgery and im hoping today is awesome... 25 needs to be.

Surgery in 3 days

THREE days till my heart surgery and oh my goodness I'm so ready. Today has been hard with breathing and stuff like that, just plain exhausted constantly

Day 3 of 30 Days of Happiness

Going over to my brothers tonight and the second my neice saw me she ran to the fridge and pulled off a magnet with my face on it and screamed my name.. it was so cute :)

Work stress and surgery stress

Work is killing me lately. My boss just isn't listening to what I have to say and she isn't thinking of anyone but herself. She iisnt giving me the releif staff I need and its taking its toll on my body.

On top of that I got my pre op packet and it got my family thinking.. they told us that it is a better fix then cutting me open and getting everything. But in the info packet it flat ou says its basically a fixaflat for the heart until your next open hart surgery. UGH! I'm gonnna hve to email the nurse back and find out what the hell thas about because when I went in they asked my oppinion and I said do the open heart one and I get the packet for the other one... wtf?

Day 2 of 30 Days Of Happiness

Happy moment... got my info packet about surgery today :) 20 days left

Day 1 of 30 Days of Happiness

Happy moment of the day.. He wanted to see me, I couldnt because it was too late, but still.. he wanted to see me.

Heart Surgery Set

got a call from the drs office today.. my heart surgery is set for Aug 28th im soo ready

Nothin but silence

Tonight I sit in my room listening to the silence of the house. Not listening to music, every song beings in thoughts and memories I don't want to live tonight. Tonight's a night I could use without thinking. Thinking only breaks my heart into smaller pieces.

Crying again

Been on the brink of tears for the last few days. Not even sure why other than loneliness and fear of what's going to happen. Today is my big cardiology appointment meeting with the specialist. Myb health has been getting notisable worse fo me and I'm hoping they can do something or atleast give me answers 

Stir crazy

Going stir crazy in my body tonight, feels like I'm trapped and can't fnd a way out. No one is answering their phones or responding to messages, trapped and alone is not what I wanted to feel tonight

why isnt there a pill or a shot or a patch or something that stops the tears from flowing? because if there was i would buy a year supply

Is it so bad to want you to need me too ? Especially before 10pm?

Constipated

Ugh I have been so constipated the last few days. It's killing me, I don't even know why either! I'm not super stressed and I haven't really changed y diet much. Yes I have been nauseous this week and thrown up a few times but still I should be pooping too!

Sick and sore

Sick :(. Ontop of being sore from being with Chris now my whole body aches in a new way where sickness and pain combine into a miserableness I haven't felt like ever

Lots of tears tonight

Why am I not worth fighting for?

Note to self

Note to self... Find a way to feel when alone.. Feel other than pain and anguish for living day after day alone

Joes coming!

Today joe is coming over. He is driving 3 hours one way to see me. We both have the day off and haven't seen eachother since October so we planned a day. Only we have no plans as to what we will be doing. He should be showing up around lunchtime so we might go out to lunch. Mom said aunt Cathy will be coming over at some point today so he might meet her but everyone in my family is home today it's bound to get awkward lol

My first hicky

Went for a walk with chris last night. we ended up talking and making out. Let's face it if I wasn't on my period we would have done more. He gave me a hickey and wow ddnt hurt this much last night but it is wwhat it is.. a giant sore bruise.

Easter Weekend

Its been exactly one month since Nana Died. One month since our last family gathering. For me its kinda fucked up. Happy Effing Easter family because yeah this gathering wont be awkward at all.
Life is going slowly and boring and horrible. Work is easing up a bit but not as much as i would like. Mom fell and ripped a muscle behind her knee on Friday and is pissing us off because now she cant do shit for herself. We thought she was done breaking and getting hurt.
None of my friends are talking too me anymore. Amber rarely wants to hang out, Brandon hasn't talked to me in months. Chris.. oh god Chris .. I'm not even sure whats going on with him. i haven't talked to him in a long time and it wasn't until like last week that he finally talked to me and only said he was too busy for me an super tired. Haven't seen him in almost 3 months and i don't know what to do with myself. I swear i don't love him, not after what he called me and such but there is still an emptiness i know he can fill even if its with friendship.

Quote Challenge #10 yourself

" yeah I did"

Quote Challenge #9 Favorite band said

"We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt. But how we survive is what makes us who we are." -Rise Against, Survive

Quote Challenge #8 Death

"To die will be an awfully big adventure" - J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Quote Challenge #7 Random

1: Do not look back on things that hurt
2: Do not reminisce on things I find ridiculous
3: Regret...
4: Do not lose focus on the significant things vs. the insignificant
5: Do not cheat myself out of a good opportunity
6: Do not choose to expect less than what I am capable of
7: Do not lose to life..

Quote Challenge #6 Fave TV show

Do you think you could shift the gears? My boobs are in the way.
~Charmed,Paige

Quote Challenge #5 favorite singer said

I like having my hair and face done, but I'm not going to lose weight because someone tells me to. I make music to be a musician not to be on the cover of Playboy.
-Adele

Quote Challenge # 4 your favorite book

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope.. I have loved none but you"
Persuasion, Jane Austen

Quote Challenge #3 Self Esteem

No one is going to love you if you don't love yourself

Quote Challenge #2 Hope

Who should start the kiss? The boy or the girl?

Well for me ilike it a lot more when the guy goes for the kiss first. Its an amazing feeling knowin someone wants to kiss you. There's a sertain innocense in it and or even a primal feeling to it. I hae also been the one to initiate it and I have been told they like it so I do it too but honstly I like when the guy does it, it feels normal and a lot less awkward.

Ever fallen asleep one someone?

No.. never had that much alone time or the availability to do it. Yes there are times we lay together but never fall asleep together. People tend to fall asleep on me tho, apparently I'm really cmfortable..

Whens the next time you will kiss someone?

Hopefully if I get to see chris this week it will be then.. but if not.. then who knows.

The last person who made you cry?

That would be chris.. the last time I saw him I cried 3 times all for diffferent reasons ad only one of those reasons was bad and it honestly wasn't a horrible bad it was he answered me truthfully and it wasn't the answer I wanted kind of bad. He's made me cry before but never when I was with him... that was something new. There were happy and sad tears

Do you miss anyone?

There is a yes and a no to almost everyone who just came to mind.

My ex bff, yeah I miss her sometimes. I miss that I had someone to be with every day but I don't mss her manipulative persomality and her abuse towards her children and the people around her.

I miss my grandmothers, luckily I hae a few awesome memories with both of them throughout the years.

Chris.. I miss chris more than I should. Without him I'm close to empty inside and for him I'm just another clingy lonely girl he sometimes wants to hang out with. He's my best guy friend and I am rarely even a blip on his radar.

I miss my best friend who moved to georgia to be with her husband.

I miss the relationship I used to have with my mother.

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over again?

More like I tent to fall for the same person over and over again. I have been inlove with chris on and off again for the last 6 years. He is a guy who can. Break my heart a million times but for some sick reason I can't get enough of him even at his worse.  Yes I have liked others and even gone on dates with others but they all tendd to be of the douchebag variety.

Ever kissed someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?

Sadly I have. Tho at the time I did not know he had a girlfriend. He didn't mention it until a day or two after, but I wasnt too hurt by it and it didn't happen again

Have you ever done something you told yourself you would never do?

I dont think I have honestly. There are still things I have sworn never to do that I haven't done ad I'm glad I haven't done them. There are things I didn't think I would have the balls to do but did but nothing I have ever sworn never to do, I am pretty good a not doing things.

Do you like the rain?

Do I like the rain? Like is an understatement. I love the rain. Yes I dislike when its sprinkling but I love rain real rain that gets you soaked. The kind you can hear bouncing off of every surface with the doors and windows closed. Rain makes me breath a sigh of releaf. It calms me. It makes me want to take long walks in the dark with someone who can appreciate it as much as I do. I love the puddles and the flood seasons and the way everything is so clean after. It calms me more than anyone else can.

Do you tell your mom or dad everything?

I have never told my dad anything. I have always hated him too much to include him in anything in my life.
When I was younger I told my mom everything, we would stay up all hours of the night talking about things going on in my life. That stopped when I was maybe 18. She just stopped listening, she would fall asleep of just ignore me so I got mad and decided never to tell her anything. Yes there are times I have wanted to run to her and tell her what happened while I was out. For years she knew I was inlove with chris, she didn't like him but accepted that I did so she let me deal with him on my own. The night chis kissed me for the first time I ran home wanted almost needng to tell her but when I got home she said hi and went back to sleep almost immediatley. I pissed me off, she lost her chance to know what was going on in my life.. her time is gone.

Has anyone ever told you they never want to lose you?

I have been thinking about that one, and honestly I don't think anyone has yet. Its sad I guesss. I know my bestfriend and I have said things along those lines but syill. We have been appart for a few years and whenever we need to talk we contact eachother. We are lucky if we get to see eachother once a year. We may not talk all the time but she is always there for me and I'm there for her. We both know we can't live without the other.

Does anyone completely understand you?

Is that even possible? I don't even know if I completely understand myself.. I know there are a few who understand parts of me and who I am but since I have so many walls up people don't get the chance to understand me. Its taken me years to open up as much as I have and I still have a long way to go, so no I don't think anyone completely understands me. Hopefully that will change one day.

Who was the last person to see you cry?

Well I have been doing a lot of crying this last month and a half, but honestly a lot of it has been on my own. I believe the last person to actually see the tears and crys would be chris last month.

What do you do when you get nervous?

When I get nervouse I get super quiet and my mind tends to go blank, its actually quite aggrivating for me really. I also tend to pick at my nailpolish, if it won't pick, then I chew at it until its completely gone. I don't bite my nails like I used to, I just chew at the polish. Gross I know...

Is your bed up against more than one wall?

Yes its against 3 walls. I have a very small room with a queen size bed lol for years I let it take up most of my room but decided one day that I never used my closet bcause I use my dressers so I tore out the shelves of my closet and placed my bed in there. It opened my room up a bunch and its kinda a reading nook when I want it to be.

When was the last time you felt honestly broken?

That would have to be a few days after valentines day.. it wasn't even the whole valentines day lack of a guy in my life thing either. That week I had lost 3 people in my life all unexpectedly. My heart was crushed and work was stressing me out. A friend asked me to hang out and I said yes. I needed to talk and to be with somone who wasn't family. He said to meet so I got ready and I did I met where we were supposed to meet and even went to his house when I didn't want to wait anymore. I knocked ad rang the doorbell a few times but no one came. He wasn't even home. I called and he didn't answer, text and didn't get a response.. I was crushed even more and mad. I went home 10 minutes later lied to my parents as to why I was home so quick then went into my room for the night. I cried and cried. He had broken me more than I had ever been broken. Crying only helped to an extent,I cut and cut and cut. I ended up cutting 15 times that night. I was broken and alone. It was the most alone I have been in a very long time.

If you were ever caught cheating, would you fess up?

In school i Was never one to cheat. I lived in fear of getting caught.

In relationships I don't believe in cheating either.  If you are so bored with the person you are with I believe in ending it before someon gets hurt. If you love someone else own up to it don't be a bitch about it, do something about it.

But I guess that didn't answer the question.. I think it depends on the situation.

Quote Challenge #1 Love

"You cannot force love, I realized. Its there or it isn't. If its not there, you've got to be able to admit it. If it is there, you've got to do whatever it takes to protect the ones you love"
-Richelle Mead

Hate kids

You know what's sad? Because of my job I no longer think I want children.. being a daycare worker has slowly killed my love of kids.. growing up I always said I want atleast 4, now I'm not so sure. Since working here I have given up a few of my friends because when being around them ihave to be around their kids and sinse its after work I don't want to have to deal with their kids.. horrible I know but I have come to the realization that while I love my job and still prefer working with kids instead of adults , on the same level I hate children and no longer wish to have any..

The fact that this stupid kid cries all day everyday at work makes me want to stab people

He said he loved me

Saturday chris said he loves me... it was through a text and I didn't see it for a few hours so I ignored it. Because for me I don't think it counts until he says it in person.. but it still counts because he said it right?? I have the proof.. in an awesome world that would be all it took to make me happy but honestly I don't even know if I acceept that he loves me because he sure hasn't prooven it..

Plus 5

I cut last night. It has been a horribe week I hae lost 3 people in my life all unexpected deaths. Plus fighting with chris and being super emotional anyway I couldn't handle it. I broke down and found my razor.

3 more angels in heaven

In the last 5 days i have lost 3 people who have been important in my life.. my friend Valerie lost her battle with Pulmonary Hypertension and pneumonia on thursday.. my ex bffs grandfather died on sunday and we found out that my grandmother passed away this afternoon from a viral infection... Along with my Nana being in the hospital with her body basically shutting down.. we just pray she holds on longer than this week.. i dont think i could handle another death this month..

Had sex with chris again.. he was super rough and a few times I had to tell him to be gentler..  I cried a few times but not because of his roughness.. he called me pretty and I burst into tears. For 6 yrs I have wated to hear him say it and when he did I couldn't handle it.. we cuddled on the couch until he fell asleep then I walked home.. he then woke me this morning aasking if I wanted to hang out.. I gave him a time and took a shower. When I got out I got a tex saying it would be another hour.. here it is 9 hours later and I haven't heard a thing.. ugh if you are gonna be stupid enough to wake me up you better have the balls to hang out..

Today my skin is screaming for me to pick up the knife. And the work day isn't even over yet. I don think. I can hold out all day.. I hope.

My caridologist retired

I found out today that my cardiologist retired and that's why i haven't been able to get an appointment with him. I called in and they told me that he refered me to someone else but it wast in my file so they have to call me back with the name of the dr.   Man I soo did not want to have to go thru a new dr. Seeing one is stressful enough let alone bringing another one upto speed. Ugh

Went on my first official date with chris last night,we went to a movie it was fun. the night even ended with a kiss on the cheek..

21 days till another depressing holiday.. can't wait

i slept with my best friend yesterday for the first time and even after seeing all of my scars and recent cuts he still continued to call me beautiful. I can tell you that at that moment i had never been more happy or felt more beautiful..

Ice storms

The ice storms and freezing rain have moved in and now it seems the world have stopped due to the fact that its in a thick layer of ice. Then ontop of that the power keeps going out. What am I supposed to do today if I can't see or use my computer?

Snowed in in Seattle

The snow it still falling and we already have 6inches with more on the way. Work was canceled today due to road issues. Just hope it's closed tomorrow too lol. Snow days are fun

Got in a fight with chris tonight.. not sure why he was mad in the first place but he hurt m feelings and I couldn't help myself I started yelling back at him.

New Years

Spend New Years with my cousin and her friend. Not alot happened we kept it kinda low key with Watching movies and playing video games. Then after the fireworks we went to ihop for early breakfast. While doing movies and video games we dyed her friends hair. I rockstared it with bleach on the bottom and purplish black on the top. It didn't turn out too bad. Didn't talk to any of the guys last night tho lol surprisingly. No one really lol.
All n all it was a good but kinda lame new years. Hope we do something fun next time

Fucking Tired of Being Single

how will i realize when i am happy? tonight a guy i know told me he is finally happy to be out a relationship and plans on being happily single for a while. this is a guy who tells me he loves me everyday and that he misses me. then he goes and tells me this and that he is truely happy. i of course mention that i wish i would be that happy. and he told me that i am and i just dont realize it... wtf is that?!?!!he says i need time to realize it. how much fucking time do i need? i tell him. hasnt it been enough fucking time? and he has the nerve to say "obviouslly not"
when will it be enough time? being lonely and single fucking hurts! its been a little over 4yrs. no one wants a relationship with me.. being the girl they want to be around but never date is heartbreaking... im tired of feeling like no one in the world wants me. seriously. im tired of falling for guys who say they want to be with me and never have the balls to to thru with it. AM I THAT HORRIBLE? IS IT THAT HARD TO LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM? I COULD BE SO WONDERFUL AT LOVING SOMEONE IF ONLY THEY WOULD GIVE ME THE CHANCE.

Why would you choose to love me when you could have anyone else?

I don't want to be forgotten but I don't want to be never remembered either

Stressful day at work only to come home to have a super depressing convo with my dad. And none of my friend wanted to hang out tonight so it seemed like a good night to come home and cry

Just a Little Bit By Maria Mena

"Just A Little Bit"

Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
And maybe I'd get there.

Just a little bit pretty
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe I'd get there...

Clearly, clearly I remember
Hiking up my skirt
Asking for your time

Clearly, clearly I remember
Nervous if ever confronted
And questioning myself

Perhaps, perhaps if I got better
Perhaps if I challenged myself
Perhaps if I was

Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy

Maybe I'd get there...

Clearly, clearly I remember
Pulling up my shirt
Staring blank ahead

Clearly, clearly I remember
Days of useless crying
Almost feeling dead

Perhaps, perhaps if I was smaller
Perhaps, I could control myself
Perhaps if I was

something new and different for me

SO I dont know whaat i am doing in my life these days. I have somehow gotten myself into a sexual mixup with two different guys. Both of which are supposedly happily married.. god i dont know what the hell is wrong. i stopped it but still, when did i decide to be the girl who sexts with friends husbands? i hate who i have become yet again... Fuck.

well im through

im officially making myself get over him. again i am sick of how he doesnt think i am worth having in his life. i couldnt bring myself to delete him from my contacts so i changed his name. he is now known as "Why Bother, He doesnt love you". I have to train myself not to text him when i know he wont respond or even mention he has gotten it. He is one of the reasons i cant be happy in my life and i am sick of the control his lack of attention has over my life. I will stop all communication. if he wants to see me or talk to me he must do it, he has to try. Yes my heart will be breaking one day at a time all over again but as i have learned in the past, my heart cant fully heal until it is completely broken, and let me tell you, its almost there. i havent been able to say i love you to anyone in months, the words are ruined for me, its as if i wasted love on him and now i am having trouble giving anymore to anyone. love for me will not be giving away easily.. it has to be earned.. they have to work at it. I will not let myself get carried away with all the small things that make me feel as though i can fly, for those are the things that sooner or later are the reason i feel broken down and sick. its the little things that get into your heart and start to grow, slowly destroying you.. i cant take it anymore, it has to stop. he broke me.. he... didnt even see it happen.

Hand Foot and Mouth Disease

So we have our second case of hand foot and mouth disease at work. The first kid came up with it about 2 weeks ago and their dumbass dr gave them a note to be able to be at school while contageous. Then I got a call from another mom today saying her kid got it and that she was told to tell the school so we could warn people and that her kid won't be back till the blisters are gone. She asked if anyone else got it and I told her about the first kid. Today when parents come I will warn them no matter what. With the first case my boss told us we weren't allowd to say anything about it but we all looked it up and it says legally we have to. So today I will. Its a super contagepus disease and peopl need to know about it.
So I talked to my boss about it when she came back from her lunch and told her what the mother had said. She then said she wanted me to warn the parents. Tell them what to look for just incase, but to keep up with bleaching everything I can.

Its the weekend again. Hope something good happens. Sofar nothing is planned and I plan on not going to church too. I'm kinda sick of it at the moment and have no need or want to be there.