Some times I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have any scars inside or out

So last night I went on a walk with Chris and Steve, and today I talked with amber about it. Here's the convo.
A: So how was the walk?
S: awesome!
A: Cool. Late night what did you guys go do?
S: we went to the lake for a few hours, the around midnight we went back to his house and had strawberry shortcake. I also got to see arrogant drunk Chris
A: So is he an ass to u when he is drunk?
S: not to me, just everyone else
A: Oh nice...wo how do u feel about him now?
S: well at the end of the night when we got to my house he apologized for being such an ass to me so I guess he is on my like list again, but not the love list.
A: Let's just hope that he continues to realize his ways...
S: seriously! I told him he had been being a total ass and it hurt
A: Good. I had to have a talk like that with Rafael too and he did the same thing and apologized for treating me like his personal punching bag and so I will give him another chance to see if he can treat me good because he says he likes me and still wants to date me and we all know I still care so I will give him 1 more chance so hopefully these boys will start realizing what they have before us girls get fed up and leave them behind and move on for good.
S: Lame!
A: Whats lame?
S: that you are giving him another chance! I thought you were over him
A: Maybe not but I do still love him and with things being cleaner by me living on my own again he can't pin anything on my drama so we will see if he and I still can get along and if so maybe consider dating someday but I don't know where it will go. He says I am what he wants...so time will tell if he is full of it or not
S: ugh whatever
A: So u don't think it will work out...did he say something or just your gut
S: just my gut, but over the past few months he has been saying stuff that seems like he doesn't want you
A: Oh like what
S: he has just been staying that has has just been wanting you to get over him not that he likes you.
A: Well I don't know. I mean I do not see that side of him he tells u stuff he doesn't tell me but then says things to me that make it seem like he still cares so now I'm really confused
S:what ever happened to you saying I'm over him, he doesn't want what I want so I don't want him.
A: I don't know
A: Well look at Chris, is he really what you want? He drinks and is a jerk to you sometimes but you still like him. Its the same with Rafael I really care about him and thought that he still cared for me....but you make me think that he really doesn't
S: Chris is what I want, he knows it, I just know that he doesn't want me, and I'm ok with being just friends
A: So he told u he is not interested?
A: And I want Rafael I just want the Rafael from when I lived in Issaquah and think that if I am on my own again it will help
S: no he never talks about it.
A: So maybe u r what he wants...
S: I doubt it
A: Why don't you think so?
S: he never seems like it, sure he is always checking to make sure I'm safe or warm, but he never seems like he likes me that way
A: I think he likes u but is just kinda weird about it... but I have never hung out with the 2 of you
S:I don't know, he's difficult to read
A: Well u might just have to flat out ask him S: I can yell at him all I want but I can't ask him that
A: Oh does he just ignore the question like u never said it
S: No, I just haven't ever asked him, its like I'm not capable to ask it
A: Yea I know that feeling but might make things easier
S: I don't know, its just weird for me
A: Yea me too it is hard but u might need to test the waters
S: Yeah. I have asked Steve if he knew anything, but he said he can't even get Chris to answer it
A: Oh yikes
S: Yeah its hard
A: Has he actually dated someone officially?
S: He dated Kay for like 3 years
A: Oh how long ago did they break up
S: Its been like a year or a maybe a little longer

Ugh chris

He had my heart in his hands and all he did was drop it and walk away. Leaving it there wishing it were dead, he didn't even crush it to leave me a reason for the pain I feel

My heart

My heart has so many empty spaces I can't bring myself to empty it even more. The more I'm around those people, the more I remember why I love having them in my life, no matter how much pain they cause me.

Dreams

Dreams are the doorway to living out things that might never happen in real life. They are the canvas for the imagination

I cut today, only four cuts, but it helped, not a lot just enough. I lasted almost 2 months without cutting, oh well

Post its

I have this thing with post its lately, they are all over my room

Some night i just want to cry. I look at my friends lives and just wonder how they get the lives they live. its almost the reason I think that I push myself away from them. Im a cold hearted bitch with cold water running through my veins, or so someone once said. I dont really want to be this way, but its what life has done to me. I push away happiness, I have for years. Its my glitch. There are a few guys I would love to love, or even like enough to get me some what close to happy, but for some reason I cant do it.

my body

My family knows what I can do to my body, they just dont know the extent of what I have done to my body.

My scars

When I die they can ID my body from my scars

I see my scars as beautiful, not as a punishment of what I have done.

I cut to feel anything

Its cold tonight. Its one of those nights where nothing seems to keep me warm. Today was another day where I begin to sabotage my happiness because of my inability to accept that someone could love me. There's a guy who everytime I talk to him, pretty much declares his love for me, but I can accept him because he used to go out with my best friend, and because due to my morals he doesn't fit my guidelines. But what if me not giving him a chance leads to me losing a chance at love? And what about steve? Do I give him a chance even tho deep down the past will always be there eating at me, not to mention he is my friends brother.why is it all the men in my life have to be difficult?

To you who points the finger

Ok so for those people who NEVER read comments, you would/should know that I never claimed that I wrote the previous post, I mentioned that I saw it as a poem and added a line or two. I didn't get it from your page I got it from a friends page. So if your gona blame some one don't fucking blame me. I never claimed to have written it. Sorry if I did hurt anyone, it was never intended to. That means you camille.

Things I hate about you

I Hate the way I could never hate you.
I hate the way you looked at me.
I hate the way I fell for you.
I hate the way your hand felt in mine.
I hate the way you made me feel.
I hate the way you touched me.
I hate the way we talked.
I hate the nights I cried.
I hate the way you lied to me.
I hate the times we fought.
I hate the way we always made up.
I hate the way I was never good enough.
I hate the way it was always her.
I hate the way I was never yours.
I hate the times we were together.
I hate the times we werent.
I hate the way you made me laugh.
I hate the way your lips felt on mine.
I hate the way you said you loved her.
I hate the way you said you loved me.
I hate everything about you...
But most of all, I hate that I still love you.
But I know that I dont want you any more

Random days

So the other night he IMed me randomly at 330am and strangely I was up. But anyway, he just put it out there that he wished he had someone he could wander off and make out with. It was very random, sure he was totally drunk at the time, but still, it confused me. I didn't bring it up to him the next day because he hardly ever remembers his drunken tyraides. But still, it means something doesn't it? Huh. Who knows