Father issues... not daddy issues.. he hasnt been my "daddy " in years

I Hate my dad.. An I the only one? I just dont trust him. Growing up there were a few people who had the nerve to tell me what a creepy person he is. And deep down im pretty sure thats part of why i hate him. He creeps me out. Hes very huggy and I dont like that. he hasn't hugged me in years because I wont let him close enough to do it. I cant even feel comfortable around him in my house. I wear layers and coats when he is around.
I dont only not like him because of his creepiness... its almost everything that sets me off. Hes Old i get that but him forgetting every little thing, and never remembering where his glasses or his phone are.. He has lost or destroyed 4 cameras and 2 computers and yet is always asking for a new one which i refuse to get him because i don't think he deserves anymore technology when he is only gonna kill it, lose it, or ask for help every 5 seconds.
His voice gets under my skin and makes me want to scream! its like when someone starts to scratch your back and then stops seconds later. it leaves that annoying need for either more or something different.. with him its always the need for something different. Or (i know I'm crazy) the way he knockks on my door... just two knocks but just hearing it i know who it is and makes me annoyed in the long seconds it takes him to open my door. Or like how this week i have then entire week off from work so i was like "Sweet! I can sleep in!" I haven't been able to sleep in once because of him. He talks so freaking loud that anything e says wakes me up.. and he has the undying urge to knock on my door every other fucking morning at 830...830! who the hell wants to wake up on their day off AT 830! ugh even now, just hearing his voice in the other room makes me crawl in my skin and want to scream...I hate it! I HATE HIM!

talking about it again

Mom started talking to me about my cutting again and about how she was watching some show where the girl was saying she cut to get rid of the anxiety. So of course mom had to talk to me about it and how the girl said it hurt alot but in a goodway... DUH! ugh i hate when mmy mom tries to talk about my issues she only makes me awkward.

He established contact first

C instant messaged me tonight around 10:30 and asked where i was because he was thinking of going for a walk. i told him he was crazy because it is snowing, his excuse was that his house was colder than it was outside so he was gonna go... i told him i never got dressed today and didnt really want to get dressed just to go out and get cold. he decided to go anyway. I told him to contact me tomorrow if he was feeling up to it.. the thing is, i know he wont.. thats who he is. If i dont go with him the first night, he gets over it and probly wont talk to me for another few months. I just dont understand his logic and puzzle wondering if he even considers us friends.. If he does choose to hang out tomorrow night i may get to cross a resolution off my list from this year that i didnt think could happen. we will see.

Wtf its snowing again. man I hate the snow.. yes its pretty but i hate the whole having to live in it crap

Merry Chrsitmas

Merry Christmas Bloggers! I hope you have a great day! Mine is just beginning and if all goes to plan it will be a nice day. Im not usually a Christmas person because i find it to be a rather depressing holiday and i usually get forced into something. Lets Hope it doesnt happen this year.
I sent out only two christmas cards this year. one to my best friend in georgia and the other to the guy i would love to date if it werent for the 3hrs between us. i sent gift cards in both and didnt tell either that i was sending them. two days ago i got a text telling me he was speachless and that he didnt send me anything. i told him it was fine, i was thinking of him. Hes adorable.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, Right now would be one of those moments. Not even sure why. Its almost 1am and still not tired and have no one to talk to. where are my night time friends that talk to me all through out the nights? are they sleeping or are they out doing something awesome?

Christmas Eve

Its Christmas Eve once again and for once in a wat I am excited. Tonight we are going to my best friends house and having an Avitar christmas movie night because there are a few different people who havent seen it yet and her family slways sits around and watches movies on christmas eve. this year we got invited! She is amazing, and I love her family!

for u

I made you a card. What it didn't say was I love you.

who needs goal jeans when i have goal panties.. and i fit them! I fit them the way i should too! its a good day, i bought them a long time ago and now i finally get to wear them! woot!ok yeah i fit my goal jeans too. but next goal jeans will be even better, and like 4 sizes smaller

another reason to cry

I cried infront of my mother yesterday. I never do that. I just broke down in front of her. Our family has been having financial issues alot this year and with the recent dr appointments and news that i need another heart surgery my mind has been racing and it has made me constantly nauseous knowing that my health issues are adding to our constant falling behind on bills. I told her what was on my mind. that I was worried about our money situation if i have surgery this year, yeah it is a must for me to live but i cant put my family even more in debt. SHe told me that the insurance should cover the entire thing as long as i get it dont before i am 26. that gives me 3 years. and if it doesnt happen before then i either need to marry someone with wonderful health insurance or find some of my own... IM SCREWED either way if it doesnt happen before im 26. just another reason to cry

health

Some that stab. some that ache. some that radiate. some that stay and then there's those that take my breath away. Its all my heart does, adds beats, skips them. even jumps. Nothing normal about it, its a constant ache or pain. Some days it moves me, i find myself rocking to the pound of my inconstant heart.

I had a cardiology appointment last Friday and they told me surgery is gonna have to happen again soon. we are setting up an appointment in march with every cardiology dr i have ever had and we are gonna determine how to fix everything. so far we know there are two huge parts the at need fixing soon. they say it could be two small surgeries or one huge one. im opting for the huge one to get it done all at once. mom is freaking out more than i am.. i mean after my last surgery when i was 11 we knew i would need another one within the next 15 yrs and it almost is 15yrs so i knew it was coming.

Tuesday morning three am and I can't seem to sleep again. Finished my book and watched a movie. Still no sign of sleep. Work comes in five hours, will I make it? Of course. That's what I do. I need to find someone to hold me through the night who is ok with just sleeping. I need a sleep buddy.

One day

One day my prince will come.. And when he does I will punch him in the arm and ask him what took so long

Sometimes I get so scared of life I can't help but want to cry.