Hey bloggers I was just sitting here waiting for the new year reading my list of resolutions for 09 and not a lot of them happend. A few did but not a lot. And I was thinking that instead of a resolution list I would creat a list of things I want for myself in 2010. So here's a few I came up with

1. Blog more
2. Date
3. Stop cutting
4. Kiss someone
5. Do more painting
6. Study the scriptures more
7. Pray more
8. Stop swearing
9. Just stop what you are doing!
10. Be a better person
11. Find someone who makes you happy

Hopefully this year I will be able to cross a few off.

"you don't wait for people to rescue you, but you would like it sometimes if they did without you having to tell them. none of us are open books. and thats totally ok"

A friend of mine said that to me tonight and it kinda stayed in my mind

I hope that one day I won't hate every bit of myself

Its been 119 days since I last cut! Wow

Scars and mothers

so mom was studying my arms today finally noticing after all these years the intensity of my scars and all she says is "wow you did good on these hun, isnt it amazing how different scars can look. do you have any more?" in her evil mom tone. i told her no. little did she know that my body is covered with scars and that i wasnt lying because not one scar is the same.

My old scars hurt today. Not my newest ones but the old ones its weird

A Few Secrets

*I know that as much as I want to die, I will never hurt my family by killing myself.

*I love turning music up so loud it changes the beat of my heart.

*I know I'm a tease and I'm okay with it.

*Although people say I am, I have never seen myself as truly "pretty" and probably never will.

*I use LOL way too much in texts and IMs.

*I like to wear make-up even if I am sitting around the house.

*In 8th grade I gave my best friend a hand-job in his apartment complex pool. Two years later he told he was gay.

*I know I'm a crappy friend so I don't keep many around.

*In middle school when people noticed me cutting I told them it was from a poorly made bracelet and they believed me.

*Sometimes I want to stop cutting but I have no idea how else to get rid of that feeling.

*Most days I have no reason to wake up. But I do so that no one will ask if I'm okay.

*I sensor my thoughts feelings and emotions way too much.

*I think of AH more than I think of CR.

*I love watching live fireworks and feeling the explosion inside my chest.

*Sinse highschool 6 of my friends have died. 3 of which were suicide.

*For years my parents actually believed I was clumsy not a cutter.

*Its been years since I have actually been happy.

*I don't believe anyone has ever truly loved me.

*I have been told I am a great kisser.

*I am scared of living my life alone.

*Though I'm straight I love my breasts and am somewhat obsessed with breasts in general.

is it you?

When you get online, whose name do u look for first? When a slow song comes on the radio, whose face comes to your mind first? When you hear your phone ringing who do you hope is calling? Whose name makes your heart skip a beat?

So christmas was great. My brother and his wife came with their baby along with my grandparents for opening presents then we went to my aunts house for dinner. It was a great day!

I did get in a fight with chris last night and ended up getting so mad I was crying. He just made me so mad I was screaming at him and he didn't even care. The worst part was that after an hour of him not talking to me I text him apologizing for being such a bitch. He never got back to me. I AM OVER CHRIS!

Incomplete by Alanis Morissette

One day, I'll find relief
I'll be arrived and I'll be a friend to my friends
Who know how to be friends

One day, I'll be at peace
I?ll be enlightened and I'll be married
With children and maybe adopt

One day, I will be healed
I will gather my wounds
Forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

One day, my mind will retreat
And I'll know God
And I'll be constantly one with her
Night, dusk and day

One day, I'll be secure
Like the women I see
On their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding, ever expanding
Ever adventurous and torturous
But never done

One day, I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art

One day, I will be faith filled
I'll be trusting and spacious
Authentic and grounded and whole

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

Merry Christmas bloggers!

Did your heart break a little when I wouldn't kiss you? Is that why you are ignoring me?

If I died today would it break his heart? Would he even notice I wasn't in his world anymore?

Today was a great day. Only now that I'm alone I feel like crying and that I'm alone in the world. Like this feeling will never end.

So i saw him today and my heart skipped a bit. did his?

He's coming home today!

The time has come! I can't wait! He's flight comes in at 1055 today and I can't wait to see him sunday... I'd love to see him before then but who knows

my life as a mormon

i have been mormon my whole life. and i grew up with values and morals that i know have saved me from doing stupid things. yes i have done a lot of things that i regret but they have brought me to where i am today. even if that isn't the best i could be. growing up going to church every sunday having christ in my life gave me the best childhood i could have had. it wasn't until puberty that i started with my cycle in depression. i love being mormon, and i hope to one day marry a strong mormon man who can help strengthen my faith through out my life. yes there i have had times where i wish i wasn't raised the way i was so that i could do things and not feel guilty about it. But in the end, my faith is what has kept me alive. Yes the church looks down on people who self injure but they done shun or turn them away. I have always felt welcome and loved. things about the church i have come to learn from experience, people suck, go to church for christ... not his people

So tonight would totally be a night where I carve the crap out of my legs and I would do it deep too, not because it was a bad day but because I know my body wants it and could stand it today. Somedays it can handle different depths it all bepends on what it wants. Yes it sounds weird that my skin tells me when and what it wants it but that's how it happens.

the marks on her arms will dry.. but they will haunt for eternity

I wish Happiness came as easily as breathing because if breathing came as easily as happiness i would have died a long time ago

Things I don't want for Christmas..... Anything foam, anything to do with painting, anything "as seen on tv", a scarf, anything knit or crochet.

The other night at a church thing I was standing in a group of friends talking about how one lady was going to be going in for carple tunnle surgery again and she was joking about how people are gonna think she tried to kill herself and she was joking about how if she wanted to kill herself she would have gone down not across. The entire time I was quiet and noticed my one friend who knew about my cutting and could tell she was just about as uncomfortable as me but never said anything. Then today she apologized for the conversation. It wasn't too bad.

When ur around I'm not numb anymore

So last nights dream spoke to me. It wasn't totally clear. I admit it was almost a sex dream but it never got that far. I was on a school campus with friends and a guy who I'm not sure who it was, but I knew he was a close friend. But what happened was he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, and layed me on the bed. He told me he wanted a baby but I told him I just wanted to lay down. So instead of having sex we lay there in each others arms.
I guess subconsciously I knew he wasn't the guy for me. I'm on a quest to find the guy who is. I'm going to try and find a guy who actually likes me for me and not because he wants something from me. I'm also wanting someone I can be comfortable being myself around. Someone I will want to lose weight for not have to lose weight for.

So I think that my heart is starting to change my mind. The more I think about Andrew the less I think about or even want Chris. I haven't prayed about bit yet but I will tonight. Because I know that as much as my heart wants/needs him I know that he is clueless to the whole thing. He has apparently changed not only physically but emotionally over the past 2 yrs. And I haven't. Yes emotionally I have grown so much but physically I haven't really changed and its killing me. I am 22. Yeah I know I still have life ahead of me but I don't want to live that life alone.

I don't hate you I'm just hurt that you haven't even tried

Ok so I fail. Sunday night chris text me and the next day I text him back I made it two weeks no contact