Dec 31, 2008
Walking on the lake
Tonight I went on a walk with chris and steve. They decided to walk across the frozen lake while I played the girl yelling at them not to do it. A couple times steve was telling me to just kiss chris, but I couldn't do it. I need to know if he likes me back befor I can make a move.
Dec 28, 2008
Again
I cut again today. Mainly because I got a new towel to keep the blood in. I don't plan on washing it. At least not for a while. I love watching the blood bubble and spill over the freshly opened wound. Watching the blood calms me, in a way it helps me. I love how as soon as the blood surfaces I can smell it and weirdly it doesn't bother me. Is that weird? Oh well if it is I don't care. It doesn't hurt today. Normally I feel some for of pain and the relief, but today all it is is relief. Its interesting how a body can handle different levels of pain, interesting enough to where I like to test it daily.
Dec 25, 2008
Dec 24, 2008
Merry Christmas
To all those bloggers out there, even though Christmas has pretty much become a holiday about forcing holiday cheer on people and mainly brings depression. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas you guys
Dec 22, 2008
Cabin Fever of the body
Ew, I started feeling weird around 9:30. I don't really know what was wrong, but I had a few moments where I felt like I was gonna puke. Plus I am all of a sudden really tired. I don't know what I am thinking, I'm all scattered today. There are so many thoughts I cant even decipher one to talk about it.I don't know whether to tell the doctors about it or not. I mean, is this a symptom of me being crazy?? Or is it a side effect? Is it normal? What I don't understand is how people are put in mental hospitals, and how is it that people can be out for weeks and then go right back in? Do you have to be a certain level of crazy to get in? Its not that I want to be in one, but at times I think I should be in one. With the voices and the seeing things, I don't know what to think.Is it possible to get Cabin Fever in your own body? Cause when my bones itch and ache, that's what it feels like. Its like I'm trapt. Trapt in my skin, and I cant get out. Those are the days I need to cut, I know I need to right now but I wont. Okay, I might. Its undecided, well its decided but not. I don't know, I have mixed feelings. I guess throughout the day I have been feeling a little better but still crawl in my skin. Dad is coming home early today so we can finish our Christmas shopping. So that helps relieve pressure a bit.I talked with Chris today. He still hasn't said much about anything. Still hasn't opened up to me about anything about hanging out. He is so frustrating sometimes the way he makes promises and doesn't keep them. Hes just like every other guy I have liked. God how depressing is that. When will I find someone who follows through with a promise? The other day I was sitting at my desk at work and I swear I saw someone. It wasn't really a person, it was just a black figure that was in the shape of a person. Its certainly not the first time this has happened, I see bugs... mainly spiders, all the time. If that's not crazy I don't know what is. Yeah its not the kind of hallucinogen like having the spiders or bugs on you, its more like they are around me. Its not so bad I guess, yeah it scares me sometimes but its not like I know if other people see those things too. Maybe some normal people do, maybe not.
Dec 18, 2008
Dec 17, 2008
Troubles with chris
Chris didn't show up again tonight after what I thought to be extensive plans to go for a walk. But after 4 hours of waiting and only one text from him saying "soon", he never came. So around 1am I finally got sick of waiting and had to let him know. So this is what I sent to him. "Ok so I love having you as a friend, but honestly I am sick of being the one who makes the plans only for you to not follow through. So I guess I will wait for the day you honestly want to hang out with me. So until then, talk to you later."Now I have to wait to see if he even responds. God I don't know why or how I have put up with him for so long. I swear if I didn't have a crush on him, I would cut off the friendship entirely... well not entirely, but you know what I mean
Dec 12, 2008
Sick... ew
Ugh so yesterday I woke up feeling sick. I had a headache, killer sinuses, sore throat, and achy body. I have maintained a fever of 100.1 . Last night I woke up about 5 times even though I had taken more than enough nighquil. And today I have all those symptoms plus an ear ache
Dec 6, 2008
Dec 5, 2008
So i found this on a website, but dont remember which one. i just thought it made sense... in a way. and although some of these are not the way i view my cutting, i know this is how some cuttters feel
Hurting yourself is NOT about attention!
Hurting yourself is NOT about wanting to kill yourself!
Hurting yourself is NOT about bloody EMO!!
Hurting yourself is NOT about proving how cool you are!!
Hurting yourself is NOT about having a weakness of personality!
Hurting yourself is NOT about self-hate!!
Hurting yourself IS a symptom of a larger problem!
Hurting yourself IS a symptom of a larger problem which the person may not even be aware of!!
Hurting yourself IS AN ADDICTION!!
Pure and simple.
Hurting yourself is NOT about attention!
Hurting yourself is NOT about wanting to kill yourself!
Hurting yourself is NOT about bloody EMO!!
Hurting yourself is NOT about proving how cool you are!!
Hurting yourself is NOT about having a weakness of personality!
Hurting yourself is NOT about self-hate!!
Hurting yourself IS a symptom of a larger problem!
Hurting yourself IS a symptom of a larger problem which the person may not even be aware of!!
Hurting yourself IS AN ADDICTION!!
Pure and simple.
Dec 4, 2008
Ugh
Ugh I have the worst cramps today. It has been horrible. And to make it worse, my man friend has canceled on me 3 times this week and it has been killing me.I yelled at him today and he just laughed. AAAHHHHH! Oh my god! I love the man but he drives me insane! Ugh, I am already crawling in my skin.
Dec 3, 2008
Cutting Survey
Are you a boy/ girl: girl
Age: 21
Age you began to cut: I first cut when I was 13
Does anyone know you cut: family and a few friends
Does your parent(s)/ guardian(s): yes
Do you ever burn or bruise yourself: I have burned myself a few times
Do you think that you are depressed: I know I am
Do you think you have anxiety problems: yes majorly
Do you think you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD): no
Do you have any other disorders: Paranoia, and sometimes i think I see things lol
Do you have an eating disorder: no
Are you on meds: some days
Have you been hospitalized or been to the ER for self injury/ suicide attempt: no
Have you tried to commit suicide: no, but I have had thoughts
How: slit my wrists or OD
Does anyone know that you tried: i hope they dont
Are you or have you ever been abused in any way: along with waking up with a guy humping and groping me, no. but i have had sexual issues
Do you do drugs: no
Do you think of cutting as a good or bad thing: I know its bad but it is good for me
Do you wish you could stop: some days
Do you wish to stop in the future: only if things become better
What are your feelings leading up to, during and after cutting: happiness, deppression, anger, sadness, boredness
When you cut does it hurt: Some times, but most of the time I have so much built up pain and anger that I don’t feel a thing
Do you bandage your cuts: if they are really bad
Where do you most normally cut: Arms and Legs
Are you alone when you cut: Always
Do you have a weapon of choice, do you carry it with you: I use Razors and box cutters. I keep razors pretty much everywhere even in my books
Have you ever made a weapon out of something ordinary or something you found: I used a broken Cd
What have you used to injure yourself: scissors, needles, safety pins, lighters, wire, Razors, knives
How do you feel about your cuts/scars, do they tell a story: some are words and reading them reminds me othe the story, but yeah for the most part I remember making every one
Do you ever design a cut (make it decorative or in a certain shape): I cut a lightning rod on my thigh, and have 6 words on my thighs
Are your cuts lines or in rows, or designs: lines rows and designs
Have you ever cut too deep: yes
Do you have trust issues: yes majorly
Do you sit in corners: on my bad days
Do you know people or hang out with people who cut?: I know a few people who used to cut or do it every once and a while, but I do it alot
Age: 21
Age you began to cut: I first cut when I was 13
Does anyone know you cut: family and a few friends
Does your parent(s)/ guardian(s): yes
Do you ever burn or bruise yourself: I have burned myself a few times
Do you think that you are depressed: I know I am
Do you think you have anxiety problems: yes majorly
Do you think you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD): no
Do you have any other disorders: Paranoia, and sometimes i think I see things lol
Do you have an eating disorder: no
Are you on meds: some days
Have you been hospitalized or been to the ER for self injury/ suicide attempt: no
Have you tried to commit suicide: no, but I have had thoughts
How: slit my wrists or OD
Does anyone know that you tried: i hope they dont
Are you or have you ever been abused in any way: along with waking up with a guy humping and groping me, no. but i have had sexual issues
Do you do drugs: no
Do you think of cutting as a good or bad thing: I know its bad but it is good for me
Do you wish you could stop: some days
Do you wish to stop in the future: only if things become better
What are your feelings leading up to, during and after cutting: happiness, deppression, anger, sadness, boredness
When you cut does it hurt: Some times, but most of the time I have so much built up pain and anger that I don’t feel a thing
Do you bandage your cuts: if they are really bad
Where do you most normally cut: Arms and Legs
Are you alone when you cut: Always
Do you have a weapon of choice, do you carry it with you: I use Razors and box cutters. I keep razors pretty much everywhere even in my books
Have you ever made a weapon out of something ordinary or something you found: I used a broken Cd
What have you used to injure yourself: scissors, needles, safety pins, lighters, wire, Razors, knives
How do you feel about your cuts/scars, do they tell a story: some are words and reading them reminds me othe the story, but yeah for the most part I remember making every one
Do you ever design a cut (make it decorative or in a certain shape): I cut a lightning rod on my thigh, and have 6 words on my thighs
Are your cuts lines or in rows, or designs: lines rows and designs
Have you ever cut too deep: yes
Do you have trust issues: yes majorly
Do you sit in corners: on my bad days
Do you know people or hang out with people who cut?: I know a few people who used to cut or do it every once and a while, but I do it alot
Dec 1, 2008
Panic attack
Ugh have you ever had a major panic attack where its so bad you can't breath? Ever panic for no reason? I have, mainly because I stopped taking my meds. And even though I know how crazy I get when not on them, I still continue to not take them. Like the other day. I was just sitting in my room not doing anything and I started to cry. Then the next thing I was in a full on panic attack. I was hyperventilating and everything, it was crazy. It was honestly the worst attack I have had.
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