Until Two years ago today I had lived most of my life with depression. Days of sadness and emptiness that would come and go like they always had. Until Two years ago I had known depression like an old friend but I had not know Grief. Grief hit me hard and I did not see it coming. The day I lost my father I learned a whole new level of sadness, emptiness, guilt, loneliness. What I thought were bad depression days were nothing compared to the grief Days. The uncontrollable sobbing due to a loss I knew would come but never saw coming. Two years ago I talked with him on the phone in the morning and sat by his side as he faded away that night.
Oct 26, 2022
Jun 8, 2022
"I don't care"
"I don't care"
Triggering words said to me in an emotional moment after a rough day..after an emotional day. My emotions becoming tears that are the drip drip dripping to a cup that is filled to the brim. Moments away from breaching the threshold.
In the back of my mind the demon screams we need physical pain to tame us. My skin still aches in these moments.. years later... I won't do it.. I can't do it.. I want to do it..
Changes in my life are in the possible near future. And my mind reminds me that it could all just not happen, then what? The anxiety of it all eats at my soul. The anger and rage built inside is a different level of evil eating away at my soul. The constant "why would anything good happen to you?" The "if you do this someone or something will prove you a fraud" a fraud of what I have no actual idea.
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