Feel the pain?

Was looking down at my leg tonight and for some reason while looking at my scars I started thinking " wow that mist have hurt really bad". I have had them for years and never really thought about the pain I went thru. For years I was in a whole different kind of pain and while they hurt I didn't really ever feel the pain. Never really understood the kind of pain u was in even while it was happening to me.

The V Card

Lost my virginity today. Not at all how I wanted it to happen but I honestly don't regret it and how it happened. I was at work... B showed but, we made out on the couch in the lobby, I was in a skirt, he took advantage of that and I didn't fight him. He has always treated me with respect and love, we had always talked about how he would take my virginity and surprisingly it happened. I don't regret it, I got it out of the way.. its done.

Crawling in my skin today, feeling very trapped, my heart is pounding and my skin hurts, the slightest movement hurts

So I am fairly certain that the pains I have been experiencing these last few weeks are caused directly from my emotions. Its not all the time my chest pains are connected to them, in fact its rare if they are. But this past months been taking a toll on me. Chris and I made a break thru, we spoke our minds and were where I thought was sturdy ground. But of course even after he says his usual amazingness. He has vanished again, it all ended with more broken promises and lots of pain on my end yet again. My heart has been aching, feeling truely broken. I'm in a constant pain and no clue how to make it better. I need him like I need air and it feels like I'm running out of breath.

walking alone through life

I was in need of a seriously good cry tonight so i took a shower, got dressed, tried to find someone to be with but no one answered so i went for a walk alone. I never go anywhere alone. at first it was liberating and wonderful, then the night came crawling in and it got terrifying and lonely. Walking while terrified and heartbroken is a hard thing to do... not to mention my fear of the unknown in the dark. not sure i will do that again. the worst part i never even got to cry, what a waste.. :(

This is one of those things that I'm already regretting.

changes.. maybe

So the other night i was having a really hard night bealing with life and the men in my life. I got to just talk for a few hours about all that is and has been going on and my cousin really got what i was talking about. He helped me realize that maybe waiting around for "him" is what is holding me back in more than one way. He treats me a way i know i deserve better than. i was asked if i had someone else worth my time.. and you know what after thinking about it i realized there is. B has been in my life alot longer than C and has never hurt me or even made me feel less than what i am. He treats me like he loves me.. he tells me he loves me every day and tells me i deserve the world. I am the one who is always holding back, i am the one who is hurting myself and my chances of finding happiness. C makes and breaks promises, but with B im always the one backing out, my feelings for him have always been way to strong for me to deal with and i think im ready to start breaking down the walls i have put up around my feelings for him.

Crying over my soup while watching Breakfast at Tiffanys.. not how i saw my night going..

For some reason we never seem to be in sync... it doesnt help that he never truely speaks his mind unless i dig, and to tell you the truth.. im sick of digging.. last night he contacted me but only spoke in short vague texts to which i refused to probe into to see what he would do. he didnt do anything, he just stopped and didnt respond all day today.. today i want to hang out but apparently since i didnt want to hang outlast night he decided he didnt want to hang out tonight. only if i dont want to i say it, if he doesnt want to he avoids it all together..