Ok so here's what I don't get. How is it that girls that are HUGE are always the girls with husbands and babies? What about the girls who are goodlooking and not completely obese? Where are the guys that don't want the sticks or the whales? I mean yeah there are a few lucky girls my size but if you think about it not many do..

Wheres that person who would drop everything and come to my aid? do i have that person? i haven't met them yet.. will i ever have that person.. the one who can be there no matter what... sure people say they can be that person but they never are..

New blood

Cut. For the first time in a while. Feels amazing. Don't care how horrible it is. Not tonight. Tonight I need it

F Family time

There is sooo much hate running thought me tonight i could scream or hurt someone.. my parents demanded "family dinner" which only consists of manditory staying in the effinghouse.. even though when we talked at lunch time i told mom we had plans tongiht.. F that.. i have enough food in my fridge to last me 2 days.... just watch me stay in my room some happy effing family time

I weighed myself yesterday. 195.6. I haven't been this low since sophmore year. And honeslty, I feel bigger at 195 than I did at 238. How sick is that? My clothes still don't fit the way I want them too and some clothes fit worse not sure why. Some days I feel skinny other days I feel enormous. Enormous outweighs the skinny most days

I have been on the brink of tears all day and after tonight I just wanna lock myself in a dark room and cry. I'm done

Things I Want In My Life

Things I Want In My Life in no particular order

~Someone to be afraid of losing me
~to feel butterflies when I kiss someone
~Someone to crave me the way I crave him
~to not be in fear of my future
~to be a mother
~to be a wife
~a real romance
~Someone who waits by the phone for my texts or phone calls
~someone who can make me feel like I am the only one in the room
~a man who will speak his mind about what he wants and will make the first move, who is not scared of offending me
~to feel home in my own body
~I want to be and feel healthy
~to run a marathon
~Read every book i own at least once
~weigh 180lbs or less
~not to have to be alone
~to not worry about money
~someone who inspires me
~a man who loves me no matter what my body looks like
~a guy who isn't ashamed to be with me around his friends and family

SO we went for a walk last night, it was a boring saturday and we were both bored at home so i suggested we go for a walk. and we did! we walked to the park, then the lake and we stayed there to talk, it was nice. he didnt touch me at all tho :( he looked like he wanted to but nothing... it was weird we even headed back early and ended with a hug.

Problem with working full time at a Daycare? All the littles boys love you but none of the big ones do..

Its breaking bit by bit, in an endless crumble tied from your lack of emotions to my over abundance. It beats but only in that sick hope that you will come back, back again only to cause it more pain. You are the one thing i cant let escape my heart even when it knows to beat for you is wrong.

alone

Every day he breaks my heart a little bit more and more. can the monitor sense that? can it hear my heart breaking bit by bit?
We said we'd meet up tonight at 9. all day he was telling me he couldn't wait, he wanted 9 to come now. but at 9 he didn't come, at 10 he didn't come. I don't know why but i honestly thought he would. :( i haven't heard from him in almost 2 hours and its killing me. I told my mom he didn't show, and she told me i need to give up on him. trust me i want to... i just cant

mederma

got some mederma the other night, gonna try it on a few of my darker scars just to see if it will work.. have you tried it? is it effective?

Thats it! Im a horrible person, im a whore! who knew you could be a whore and a virgin at the same time? today without even saying anything i got a picture of 2 different guys dicks to my phone within 15 minutes of eachother. now i admit i was totally turned on by it but still, what is it about guys who want to fool around or talk of fooling around but never want anything else with me? I have been told by a few guys that i have a few sexual talents but is that all i want them to know about me? why cant i get to know a guy without bringing sexual tension in

how do i tell her?

What is it that scares me so much about telling my mom the truth? we used to stay up for hours with me just talking and telling her everything. I don't even know what changed in me to make me stop talking to her. I tried tonight. i walked into her room and stood in front of her chair and looked at her. she was bust knitting and barely even noticed me, but i wanted to tell her. I needed to tell her, i just couldnt. I couldnt even tell her i kissed the guy i have been in love with for 7 years. the guy she knows i liked and maybe even still knows i like him. maybe she questions what i have done with him and is scared to ask. but really, how do i even bring it up when i havent honestly told her anything about my personal life in years.. where to start?

So I started my period today. Ugh as if I didn't feel gross enough I had to start it. My body hates me. I sware it has it in for me. I had the perfect chance to be alone with him this weekend and this happens. UGH!