i hate being a girl sometimes

i hate being a girl sometimes.. ok most of the time. this isnt a rant about my period or anything like that . its about the fact that one guy can drive my heart and my brain crazy. He talks to me in riddles and sarcasm and expects me to understand him through texts. sarcasm is super hard to get through a text. Spent most of last night texting the guy i like and i must say a few texts were honest but totally hurt because as honest as he was he still never really answered my questions.. he does that alot i have noticed, it got to the point where i was so confused and close to tears he got tired of me not getting it and told me he gave up. that was the last text i got. i must say i cried at that one. I responded a few different ways back to him. but didnt get a response until this morning. I still havent gotten the nerve to look at it yet.
I hate that as much as i dont want to i read into his crap and send myself back into agonizing orbit of my life revolving around him and ending up miserable again.

why?

Why is it he never needs me? never has? Why cant I be the one he craves? longs for? Loves? He is the one I know I could be happy with but he has never considered me.. probly never will. now thats depressing.

weight

I weighed myself for the first time in 2 weeks and I am down to 200.4 lbs. I havent weighed this much since sophomore year in highschool. The weird thing is, I feel three times as big. In highschool I loved my body. Now I'm ok with it but I see myself the size of my sister who is seriously 265 lbs. Yes I'm happy I weigh 200, but it took me 2 yes to lose 38 pounds. 238 is the most I have ever weighed. I will never be that size again.

Follow My Heart

I started a new blog about my heart and emotions i experience along with the chest pains while getting ready for surgery


http://recoveryofabrokenheartedgirl.blogspot.com/

Crawling in my skin today. Even clothes hurt. I want to scratch and itch and cry. I hate this I need to cut but silly me I took it out of my purse last week

I wish I could go back to the days when you had no clue how I felt about you.. life was easier then... no awkward silences or obvious ignorings. back when you were just my Chris and i was just the girl down the street.

The Average heart beats about 43 hundred times an hour, that's 800 thousand times a week, 9 million times in a crisp fall and 2.7 billion beats in a lifetime. Well What is an Average heart anyway? And how many beats do broken hearts get?

Im too open with some people and too closed off with others.. Its always the opposite of what i should do with that person... ugh

Why is it that the scratches hurt almost worse than the deep gashes?

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH I started my period today. omg! my body hates me! This will make tomorrow not as fun as i had hoped it would be

Why is it I feel so awkward around any guy I know I could potentially enjoy being with? Why? its so freaking annoying... Yet another thing added to the list ot reasons I hate myself.

what to do?

Sometimes i just want to cry and throw up then go to sleep forever. right now thats how i feel. How do i tell him that as much as i am aching to see him, i have an even stronger feeling i know i shouldnt.

Whats wrong with me?

ugh why do i do this to myself? I know he wants me.. he has told me day after day for the last 2 yrs and yet i never allow myself to get close to him. He excites me and scares me. Always has. I dont know if it is his forwardness or the fact that i knnow hes kinda a man whore. I know that if i am with him i will let him take over.. i will lose my boundaries and i cant let myself do that. Ugh whats wrong with me.

what a day.. I WONT CUT

So. I almost cut today. I came right to the box with my razor in it but never opened it. instead i scratched a lot. I have been jittery and crawling in my skin since like 3pm. even now there is the need to re-leave the crawling and itching. Plus my heart was pounding and fluttering all day making me light headed, along with a sore back and a headache it was not a comfortable da in my body.. not that i have had one of those in years.

Is it strange that I send long elaborate texts to your phone pouring my heart out. Knowing you phone is broken and you will never get it?

Gina

A friend of mine died this morning on her way to college in Idaho. There was a roll over accident and she was the only one who didn't make it. :( we hadn't hung out or spoken in a few years and tho I am sad, it strangely didn't effect me the way I thought it should have. There were no tears. No OMG why her? There was an omg she died. But then I went about my day.

Resolutions for 2011

I actually did quite a few of my resolutions in the last year and came close to finishing more but failed to do so.
So this year there's another list.. hopefully this year i will complete the list. So here it is in no particular order as to be finished. and i know i will most likely add ore when i think of more.

1. Find At least one form of happiness
2. Clean my room
3. Weigh less than 200lbs
4. Be kissed
5. Date the boys I have always wanted to date
6. Be the Me I know.. not the one people see
7. Paint More
8. Stop Cutting
9. Love my Body
10. Save Money
11. Have Heart Surgery
12. Be Healthier
13. Discover something new (to me)

now lest see what i can do...

New Years

SO New Years was actually one of the best i have had in a very long time. I went out with one of my cousins and a few of her friends to an Iris pub. it was great, we got there early enough to get a great table. we had dinner and then drinks... lots of drinks. And to my surprise i got hit on by a few different guys with no prospects lol. After the bar we went to Ihop for early breakfast and then back to my cousins house where i crashed on her bedroom floor. Sadly i dont sleep very well when i am drunk, nor do i sleep well in other peoples houses.