Health update

So Sunday I woke up perfectly fine, but at the end of the day I had noticed that my back had begun to hurt in the area of my kidneys but just thought nothing of it. Monday it still hurt but it was bearable to an extent. But Tuesday it seemed like things got worse. The pain was getting worse and it hurt to sit, breath, or pretty much move. Wednesday and Thursday were the same if not worse, and my mom started to pay attention to my pains. I have a very high pain tolerance, and I never complain when I am hurt. I never have. But these last few days I have been, and that's what worries my mother. So today at 1030am we headed to the doctor. And first off I couldn't see my regular doctor, instead I saw a man. He had me walk on my heels and on my toes, and then bend over and tell him when it hurt. He then pressed my back and told me to say when or if it hurt. They had me pee in a cup but other than my white cells being up a little, everything was fine. He told me I "must" have pulled a muscle and its just getting worse. He then just told me to take tylonol or aleve to take care of the pain. Then sent me home.

I was mean

So today while babysitting I was just plain mean. I don't know why tho. All they wanted to do was sit with me or play with me and everything they did bothered me to the point of where it hurt me. So I pushed them away or moved away, I even yelled. its a possibility that I will cut today

Its been a while

So I haven't cut in over a week. Yay me! I have been feeling very numb lately. And its been like my body hates me. I have been having joint aches, back aches, stomach aches, and head aches. Its like I can never be comfortable, not even in my own body.

+ 27 = 517

I needed to talk today and steve didn't want to hear a thing. He was "too tired". I just needed to talk, about anything really, but he said no and hung up. I cried again, and the went for a razor. I cut 27 times. Sinse augest of 07, I have cut my body 517 times. God how sick is that. Steve text me last night and told me he cut himself, for the first time. And when he told me my heart sank, I didn't want him to slip into the same trap I had fallen into so many years ago. It hurt.

Death becomes her

So last night I met up with friends and even though he promised, chris didn't show again. It wasn't until a few hours later did he contact me. He said he fell asleep and had just woken up. I yelled at him asking when we could hang out and have him not flake. He made plans for tonight, specific plans. And yet here it is an hour after said time and nothing. God why do I do this. I actually cried. When not wanting to feel, I popped a few codine and grabbed me razor. I died a little tonight.

Conversations with men

So I talked with steve today. He was telling me about he a few years ago he had a thing for me. So I asked when and he told me 5 yrs. That was around the time I stayed at his house that night. And wow that explains a lot. So then we got to talking about our love lives and how lame they are. And even though he knows how much I like his best friend, he still hints to us getting together sometime. So now I'm sitting here questioning do I wait for my chance with chris or do I fulfill pleasure with steve?

Bloodletting

So I just finished the book BloodLetting: a memoir of secrets, self-harm and survival by Victoria Leatham. It was amazing. She found words I couldn't and it actually helped me realize a few emotions and feeling that I normally can't express. You should read it.

is it bad?

OK so i have been thinking a lot, and i honestly don't know how bad the bad is about my cutting. i mean, just a small run across the skin doesn't count for me, it has to be deep and bleed a good amount before i can move on to the next. am i the only one who does that? or do most people just have one quick shallow cut and make that count? if I'm gonna cut it has to count and that's why my scars are so big, i cut sometimes so deep it doesn't even really bleed. i know that's bad, but i cant help it, if "fixes" me in a way.strange and dangerous.. i know.
Also, over the years i have considered myself pretty good at hiding the fact that i am a cutter, and i got the courage to talk to one of my friends about it the other night and he told me that most of my friends have known for years but haven't ever really spoken about it. Why not? hasn't anyone seen how much pain i have been in? haven't they ever wondered if i needed to talk? why wouldn't anyone push my buttons and get me to talk? i mean seriously, i know i could have started it, but they could have at least showed concern. I'm not saying it would have changed anything, but what if it had. would i be better?

My survival box

I do have one. Its pretty full. I dont have one to protect me from the government, its one to help me survive. It has saline, gauze, tape, lemon juice, knives, razors, a box cutter, hair spray and a dentist pick.

Happy New Year!

I spent it with my friends. Just hope next year is better