So I got an appointment with my cardiologist finally, but the appointment isn't until the 22nd of June. I'm just to keep track of what happens, what causes and the intensity of the pain or strange feeling. Ugh. Sofar its happened every day

So today was my sisters birthday and we went to my best friends house to watch a movie. My best friend was a total bitch. I didn't even want to go to her house. I seriously hate her every second I am with her

My Heart sucks

My heart has been acting weird today. Not even emotionally. Literally. I know I have mentioned it befor but for those who don't know, I have a heart problem, and I am used to the every once and a while palipetations(sp?) But I have had the weird flutter and pounding almost all day and it has been making me light headed and tired. Its weird. Now I'm gonna have to make another doctors appointment. Ugh!

I carved a star into my inner right thigh tonight. Wasn't the smartest place to cut, but oh well

When it comes down to it, scratching does nothing for me. I have to use something awesome enough to draw blood

Had a bad day yesterday. i almost cut again. i to to the point of getting the blade but stopped because just holding the razor seemed to make me feel better

I still can't quite convince myself that anyone has ever loved me enough to be sorry when I was gone

My scars are my favorite tattoos

Sometimes my best friend is too much of a whore to hang out with. She never changed her life when she changed religions and it pisses me off

I like this, it says so much

I found this quote online the other day, I like it. We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them.  We say we love trees, yet we cut them down.  And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.  ~Author Unknown

Thinkin

I did a lot of thinking today. If I do things I did or was willing to do when I was younger I may in fact kill myself this time. If I let the depression get to my like it has eaten away at my soul for the past few years. I say I'm willing to do things again or even take it farther. But honestly, if I do I know I may end up hating myself again. Yes I have needs and pleasures but when it comes down to it, I panic. I have the fear I won't be able to stop. Stop myself, or stop the guy. That terrifies me. It almost pulls me into full-on panic mode. Even now, just thinking about it makes me slightly hyperventalate.

I wore short sleeves today and my sister stared at my arms and said "well I can tell your right handed".

feelings

I still have pretty mixed feelings about last night. things and emotions are just flowing through me. Because even if i do like Steve, the feelings i have for Chris are much stronger and more vast. Seeing him last night... seeing him anytime makes me remember everything i like about him. even if he is a total ass at times. Some days i hate myself for liking/loving him. knowing he doesn't feel the same way, what if i had asked Chris out instead of Steve? i enjoy Steve's company, but honestly i think i would have felt, not only safer, but i think i would have enjoyed myself more. i just wish i was the person who would ask how chis felt about me going on a date with Steve, Even more i wish Chris was the kind of person who would tell me how he felt if i did ask

Update

So tonight was my date. It was a good time. We went and saw Wolverine: origins, which I must say was awesome! When that was over we went out into the crowd and somehow found chris and his pose. Which was kinda awkward because chris didn't acknowledge me until they were leaving. She was getting hungry, so we decided to go to dinner. We went to some chinese restaurant down the street. The restaurant was nice, we were 2 of the only 3 customers. From there we returned to the theater and saw Star Trek. That movie was amazing! About 3/4 the way through the movie he put his are around me, so not wanting anything to be awkward I leaned into him. He caressed my inner arm just touching my breast. His other hand was tangled in mine, mainly so I could keep track of it. When the movie ended around 1:45am we walked back to the car and he asked what I wanted to do next. I told him home, cause I was tired. And I was tired, but I also didn't want anything to happen. In the car he caressed my leg and held my hand. I was super tired, so I didn't mind that he did that. But then a little bit later he asked me if I was nervous about something happening. I told him no, but in my head I was saying other things. We pulled into my driveway and he handed me my leftover chinese food. I said thanks and again not wanting to make it awkward I leaned in and pecked him on the lips. Not making out. As I walked up the drive, he sped away. About 5 minutes after I got home he sent me a text saying he had fun tonight. Huh. Did I? I'm not really even sure what I thought about tonights actions

So tomorrow I have a date with the guy who pretty much molested me when I was 16. The thing is, I have always been friends with him and got along with him. I just am curious as to what will go on. Ugh. I will post after it.

I don't hate him for having a girlfriend, I hate myself for never having a chance with him. I can't help but think of the many chances to make my move but was too effing worried about messing up our friendship to do anything. Dammit!