Christmas review

This Christmas was a somewhat special one. Brandon and I decided we wanted to spend it together. We have been together almost 3 yrs and this was our first Christmas we spent together.  He came down and had Christmas morning with my family at my brothers house then we went up north to his parents house and had Christmas dinner with his family. It was a really nice day. My family was a little upset I wasn't joining them at my aunts that evening but mom came around to it. It's amazing how different families do Christmas,  my family always does a small thing where his family took like an hour to do gifts. It was fun and crazy. One of the best Christmas' I've had in a while

My Friday night

Can't sleep Tonight. I finally get to see him and he's being weird,I'm being weird too I know. I'm an emotional wreck this week and it's driving me crazy. I hate this time of month, that's why I avoid it if I can. But anyway.. we haven't really talked since we got home and he works tomorrow so I don't know how much I will see him. He sleeps more than I do, I know that I just hate that I am tired and not sleepy when he can pass out super quick. Work was pretty good today. A week and a half left till Christmas and I still haven't told him what I want. Mainly because I have no clue what I want. Next Friday is my work holiday party and we are going to that. Not sure how late because he works the next day so we will see.

Ranting...

I am having a hard time with life right now. With being too broke to do anything, I am just trying to make it thru Christmas and paying hospital bills while not starving...and with work and my love life. The holiday season is always a stressful one, but I feel as though at the end of the night I am so exhausted that I don't want to come back the next day. I always do though because I am the reliable one. Today we had five teachers out it was ridiculous, we barely had enough people to get breaks. Plus with the non stop rain we only got the kids outside once today. The kids are getting cabin fever and winter hasn't even hit yet. They holiday season should be fun not stressful, I hate being so negative all the time but I can't seem to help it. I'm angry or emotional with small bouts of happy mixed in. I am frustrated all the time with myself. In the last three years I have gained 25lbs. I am not at my heaviest but that's because I have been working out a bit and trying not to snack as often. I am currently at 224.7lbs and I feel it. I feel all of it. My heart is the healthiest it has every been but I am not and I hate myself for that. I started out riding the stationary bike and worked up to the elliptical. I went from 20 minutes to over an hour workouts. After breaking my foot last fall the foot does hurt a lot by the end of the work day and surprisingly the workouts haven't been too bad. Some days it even feels amazing at the end.

My mornings with depression

There are mornings I wake up and all I want to do is cry. Those days I know are gonna be hard. You live life thinking that maybe you are ok, that maybe you beat your depression but then it hits you like a rock before you even get out of bed. Ugh

My Birthday next year

Tonight he told me that I need to request a week off for my birthday next year... no other specifics just that. He is amazing. No clue what he has planned and I think I want to keep it that way

No babies

Everytime I take my pill he cheers "no babies!" I don't know why but it hurts inside every time.

Home is becoming toxic

I hate being at home.All they ever do is tell, bicker, and complain. It's rare if they are nice to each other. My weekends at home are becoming harder and harder from both sides of the equation. On one end the ache I have for Brandon eats away at me, it makes me question why I don't drive and think or even consider getting a license. I know I need to get o it. Being home with them, there is so much hate and anger and resentment in this house and in this family. It's toxic and I hate being here. A family shouldn't be like this. I don't want a relationship or even a marriage where we argue and resent each other. I hate being here. I HATE BEING HERE!

Tonight

Tonight is one of those nights I am crawling in my body and I don't know what I'm actually feeling I'm OK but I'm crawling in my skin I want to scream I want to cry I know I want to cut haven't done that in a long time being lonely sucks and the late nights that really get to me when he's asleep and I have no one to talk to.

Cried again

I cried alot today. I am still on the brink of tears because that's what I have been doing so much today

Stress eating away at me

Holy ball of stress. Ugh today is a day I want to cry, scream and throw up all at once.  How is it one person can ruin a day for you with just one sentence.

Feeling lost

Why is it the nights I need him the most are the nights he falls asleep early. It's the night I feel like my world is crashing down and every burden seems to crush me. I hope for a day when I won't have to feel alone at night because I will always be with him.

Depression rears it's ugly head

Days when I'm not with you my internal sadness returns. The fear of no happiness just eats away at me and I feel like crying the tears well up and i try not to feel anything. Some days that happiness comes back the other days the sadness wins and the tears just keep coming

A question I have

A constant question that goes through my mind is whether he sees me as the girl he is going to marry or if I'm just the girl he loves for now

Getting fat-ter..

Don't worry I've noticed that I have gotten fat too.. you don't have to point it out

Insulation

That moment when the love of your life tells you you need to lost some "insulation " before summer hits and your heart just breaks because you realize he thinks you are fat and doesn't want to be a dick about it

Realizing

Today I realized. I really want to be a mom I just know that I won't be good at it so I don't want to give myself the option

The new

It's been over a year since I last cut myself  and I couldn't be more happy with life. I find myself smiling for no reason,  breaking out of my shell one day at a time.  Yes there are days I cry and feel empty still they are just fewer and farther apart from the way I used to feel.

Still in love with him

We have been together almost two and a half years and I am still madly in love with him. I ache the days I don't get to see him. And when I'm with him I am so happy and giddy I can hardly contain myself. Yes there are days we get on each other's nerves but the love takes care of that.

Wanna hear a secret??

I think I want kids. I know I won't be good at it, not like my job, but when it comes down to it I always saw myself as a mom. Working with kids is what makes me question if I really want them. There is also the bigger fear... what if they get my heart problem? The Dr's say it's a small percentage of a chance but still it could happen. Or what if something entirely different happend? What if having kids pushes me and my person apart? What if people realize I'm a terrible person/mom?

This weekend

This weekend was a great one. Friday B and I went out to dinner, spent time with each other and talked. Saturday we did Alice in Wonderland burlesque, which was amazing! So much fun. So glad we did it, it was a great date night.

Feeling off

Feeling a bit off today. I dont know what it is but I have this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear. I feel as tho I  could cry at any moment. I havent had a day like this in months, I  want to crawl in bed and let the world dissappear.

Alice in Wonderland part 2

My valentine's day gift was part 2 of my tattoo. I could only sit for 2 hrs because my hit was killing me and the pain almost made me throw up a few times. We had to schedule my 3rd appointment  a little further out so its march 22nd. Should be mostly healed by then.

Alice in Wonderland part 1

Superbowl sunday I got the outline of my tattoo done. It took 4 hrs and by hr three i was pretty much going crazy and was super fidgety.  I Love it! Its been almost a week and is just starting to itch so it hasnt been too bad. I go in again on the 15th to fill it in. Wooo