I find it strange that when a person walks out of your life, you spend years wondering what it would be like to have them with you again. But then once they come back into your life everything changes. You panic that they won't call then they say they will, and when they do call you panic because your worried they will make plans and if they do make plans, they will be too intense or too unexpected. He is in town for 2 weeks and wants to see me, I want to see him.. I do.. Its just he has been out of my life for so long I don't know what to expect. God! I hate relationships! And the lack there of! Ugh!

I miss being able to talk to someone. So much I want to cry. First I talked to brandon, then chris, then chris, then steve. Now I have no one. I feel I will be alone forever and I will be trapt in my head for all eternity. I lost my best firend 2 weeks ago, and my true best friend is moving to the other side of the continent in 5 days. I'm alone in my life right now. I want to cry all the time. My heart is broken not from love but the lack of even friendship. I try to tell my mother things but it never comes out right and she always ends up judging me

I fell like crying today. My family is always forgetting about me.

So I'm going to see my cardiologist tomorrow, things have been calming down but still acting weird if you know what I mean. But anyway, I will update after I see the doctor. Hope everyone had a good weekend!

I am crawling in my skin today, everything makes me want to scream and tear my skin open

Postsecret

So before I made my appointment with my cardiologist, I had been having a few chest pains and wasn't really complaining about it because that's what I do, I conceal my pain, I have for years. But over the last few weeks the pains have been getting worse. But also so has our money issue. Its getting to the point right now where we are skipping payments to buy food and gas. And I was talking to my mom about how I can't get called off work this week or I can't pay for the phone bill, or the car payment or the doctors appointment. She could tell this was and is bothering me to the point of tears because only my dad and I have jobs right now and my sister covers for me when I am at my second job. So tonight even tho my mom has been noticing the pains I get, I told her that I would have to cancel my appointment because we can't afford it right now. Of course I said most of this crying. Its just way stressful. And the only thing she said to me was that she would pay half of my doctors fee. I didn't know what to say, id rather her pay a bill than help pay for me.

I can't stop thinking about cutting myself up. Visual bruises can be covered with make up. But down to the core, its all bruises.~ Bruises, Majanda Delfino

Ugh mother

The word cut isn't used in our house. Atleast not sense my mother has been paranoid about me like the other day my sister and I were in the bathroom and I was cutting her hair. When my mom knocked on the door I told her we were cutting but before I could say the hair part she freaked out and said there shouldn't be any cutting in our house. Whatever she's a freak. I haven't cut in a few weeks, she aggravates me

Il Divo concert

Went to the Il Divo concert tonight. It was AMAZING! Lol I swear my sister and I were the youngest people in the audience. But seriously it had to be one of the best concerts I have been to

Just because my mother knows I have scars and cuts on my legs doesn't mean I want her to see them. Tonight she just burst into my room after knocking once. Luckily I had time to grab a pillow and cover them. Got she is getting paranoid. She is on constant watch of if I have any new cuts