So its said that if you can't tell the truth to the people you care about the most, eventually you stop being able to tell the truth to yourself. I guess that's one of my main issues. Its not that I mean to lie about how I feel, its just that I still haven't been able to put it into a verbal account. Journals and blogs, that's my outlet, and I can't bring myself to even letting my family and friends read them. So for now, my thoughts go out to you. Thanks for listening. ~Sam

Although I feel for her, I can't let myself become her

twilight

ok so i know its totally spastic, but i am super excited about the Twilight Dvd coming out this weekend!

Oh well

So I haven't written in a while. I ended up cutting last Wednesday, on my calf. It isn't as bad as many of my other wounds, but its still cuts. I cut three times, and let the blood dry on my skin, it felt interesting. I also switched out my box cutter in my purse with a plain razor blade I keep in a small pocket. I also keep razors hidden around the house and in my room, I don't always use them, but they are there if I need them, kinda a form of comfort.

Mar. 3rd 09 convo between amber and chris

Amber: Dude this is amber I'm with sam why are you such an ass to her she just wants to hang out with her why does it always have to be a PENIS night why can't you for once grow a pair of balls and be a nice guy and just hang out with the girl you like and that likes you why is that so hard

Chris: I am not that kind of a guy.

Amber: OBVIOUSLY so then don't tell sam you will hang out and make plans just to leave her hanging and hoping for something that will never happen let her be happy and if you can't be a friend then tell her that and let her move on cause I know she likes you and what you are doing this game is bs

Chris: Firstly i never said i would do anything. Period.

Amber: You asked her what she was doing today to ANY girl that makes it seems as though you want to hang out. You clearly don't like samantha as a friend

Chris: No i wanted to know. Has nothing to do with what i could do

Amber: So why do you say that you will go on walks and go hang out at your house and then ! when she takes you up on the offer you suddenly would rather hang out with the boys?

Amber: No payson told her to go over one time sorry I left that out but you do say you will go on walks and then never follow through you are such a lame dude I mean you are either interested in being her friend or your not seriously don't you care if you she is happy let her be happy shes a great person but you can't see that because you never give her the time of day

Chris: I do she just makes up extra shit i never said

Amber: What do you mean? what does she "make up"

Chris: Wtf! I have no idea

Amber: Well you can't say she says things you never said that implies that she is putting words in your mouth but REGARDLESS do you want her as a friend in your life?

Chris: I want her as a friend but she always says i did commit but i never did

Amber: She just wants some time with you is it so hard for you to just give her time once a week or every other week she just wants you to treat her the same way as you treat your guy friends

Chris: Wow

Amber: Wow what?

Chris: Not getting a god damn thing im saying

Amber: I get it she says things that you dont think you said but do you ever really hang out with her