Heart Surgery is set

My heart surgery is happening. I called the hospital today and scheduled it for January 22nd. It's going to be the biggest surgery I have had. Repairing at least 4 parts of my heart. I also have appointment s on the 9th for Reading test results and another on the 16th for pre-op stuff. I plan to work up until the day before surgery and hope I don't get worse before than. I haven't had the easiest time sleeping or breathing and I have been uber emotional and crying a lot. I have been. Having nightmares about the after.like Dieing and not healing right. Or like B not wanting to be around me or treating me different.I want him to be there when I wake up but I don't in a way, I don't want to have him there. Like I don't want my family with me the whole time. I don't want to be around my family during my recovery. I hate that mom is so effing protective and doesn't want me out of her sight. B wants me to spend time recovering at his house, and I swear if they drive me ready I might just do it. I hate that I will be in the hospital for his birthday and our 1yr anniversary and still in recovery for Valentine's day. Ugh so frustrating.

Heart Surgery coming

Over the last 2 weeks I have been noticing my heart is having more issues than not. I last saw my cardiologist in September and they said to come back in December. Well Monday was bad, I knew I had an appointment on Tuesday bit wanted to see my Dr too so I got an appointment on Wednesday. Two days at the hospital.  Tuesday was a day of tests.  I had a transesophegeal ultrasound and they found something they weren't sure about and ordered a ct. 7 hrs later I left the hospital frazzled. So much uncertainty. Wednesday I met with the Dr's and learned that they saw things they weren't expecting. What they thought would only be 1 or 2 things was really 4 and some that they wouldn't know how to fix until they go in. They decided that surgery will be open heart and will be sooner rather than later, we have hit our window and they are taking it. I meet with the surgeon next Thursday to discuss options and hopefully a timeline.

I went in to work Wednesday and was a complete mess I talked to my boss and told her my situation. Recovery time is 8 to 12 weeks and she and her husband are willing to keep me covered on insurance and just have me pay the monthly stuff when I return. I was so greatful they are willing to help. Still very stressed but it's a bit easier knowing a fix is coming.

Getting sick I can feel it

Today I feel like poo. I have been progressively getting more and more sick since sunday. With nasel issues and nausea and today I add a massive headache plus more pain in the nasel area. Not a very fun way to start off thanksgiving break. Ugh .

Happy/love

So I have been thinking, am I ready to say I love you? Is that what hes waiting for? Are the I ♥yous not enough for him? Neither of us have said love, not even once. Whats stopping us? If we cant say it then what are we putting ourselves thru? There have been times I have stopped myself from saying love because it was a cliché of a time or fear of nothing in return. He still boggles my mind and heart and the un answeredness of it all is what eats me from the inside. I ask him what he needs from me or if he wants anything about us to change and he claims to be happy but is he happy enought? Am I happy enough? 

My Birthday

Ok I have to admit my birthday went alot better than I thought it would. Friday I went to a Charlotte Sometimes concert with a friend. It was the longest concert ever but it was totally worth it. Charlotte was amazing I got to meet her and got a picture with her.
Saturday we had my birthday breakfast at IHOP and it was fun. I dressed up all fancy. It was mom dad ash brian Jeanette and brandon. sad was onlh a little bit awkward and Jeanette tamed ashleys bitchiness. After breakfast I went with brandon. We went to the Alderwood mall and he bought me 4 pair of leggings and a waterbottle from rei. For lunch we had coldstone then went back to his place and watched more dexter. It was a fun day.
Sunday morning he drove me home and I took a nice long nap then took the family out to dinner. I chose the Olive Garden. It was nice. On the way home there was a large thunderstorm. It was a good weekend.  
I turned in my insurance application this morning and new coverage should start October 1st. Which is good because I get cut off September 30th. Big sigh of relief here.

Stressing out

My birthday is in 3 days. I have never been more scared of a birthday. I will be turning 26 and taken off my parents insurance by the end of the month. My new job offers benefits but not until 60 days after I started which is the end of October. This terrifies me. With my health i have always been covered. I have big appointments with major tests coming up and I have to be covered for those. Especially with an impending surgery coming up I hate this being a grown up is too stressful. 

My last friday

So its my last friday at work and I am so glad it is. I work monday and tuesday next week and then I am done! Soo ready. Wednesday I start my new job. I am nervous but soo excited about doing something different. I'm still In childcare but different ages. Plus it has benefits.

Weekend at B's

After the horrible week I barely made it through B came and picked me up friday after work. We went to the movies then back to his house for the night. We spent most of the night cuddling and watching movies. We barely keep our hands off eachother. :) the next morning again we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. At one point whatever I was doing to him he started twitching and flailing around haha it was soo weird. That had never happedn to either of us before so it was hilarious, I didn't stop either haha atleast not for a little bit longer.  He is so much fun to be around and is the closest thing to happy I have had in a long time.

Tears and I are close friends

There are days where I truly believe I beat my depression. Where life can't get any better. Then there are days where you realise you love someone infinitely more than they love or even like you. I feel it and know what it feels like but can't say it because I have that gut feeling that tells me not to tell him because he doesn't feel the same. Yes he Chose me but from the beginning I was his second choice. I have opened up my life to him. He has met my whole family, and has my heart when I didn't think I would give it to him. Here it is 6 months together and he has yet to let me into his life other than his arms. Who is his family? Who are his friends?  Why hasn't he mentioned me to his family? Ugh really not liking life right now.

Vaca

Well my vacation didn't start how I wanted it to. First off I started coughing on the 4th and by the 5th I had a swollen throat and fever of 101.8 and went into urgent care to find out I had pneumonia and tonsillitis which turned into pneumonia and strep throat. Ugh not fun. Here it is Thursday and even with being on meds almost a week I still have some strep left in my throat.  On top of that yesterday was day one of vacation and I had to go to the dr because my breast have been inflamed for almost a week due to trauma. So I went to the dr and yep infected so now I have an ointment for that along with my other sickness it's a good week to be on vacation. Except for the fact that I'm not home. I'm staying with a friend who is in town for a few days then heading to B's for a few days before he takes me home.  He's just not allowed to touch the girls for a while. 

Update

The last few months have been very busy. My Grandfather got married in January and we are still getting used to having his lady in our lives but we seem to like her. B and I had our first date the weekend of my grandfathers wedding and became official exactly a month later. We have been together ever since. He is adorable and precious and we haven't said the L word yet but that's OK, I'm OK with that. I haven't met his parents or family or friends yet and that's a little weird considering he has met my family, the girls i work with and a cousin... just a bit odd. He makes me melt, and i am more comfortable around him than i am when I'm by myself. We have had many firsts and not all of them have been ones we had wanted to experience, but its something we worked through. For a long time we saw each other every 3 to 5 days but lately we have been hitting the every other Friday and have seemed to be running out of things to talk about. Work has been getting very stressful, i love the kids i really do but with the stress of health and love life and work in general its hard to enjoy it all that much. I Cut again a few months back and B knows about it and accepts that i do it tho he doesn't support the fact that i do it. I have been crying a lot and have been having the overwhelming feeling of emptiness and loneliness and the need to cry or throw up. Days where staying awake is so hard because sleep life is so much better than what is going on in life these days.

Serious?

How did I become the girl guys kiss but won't get serious with? What's wrong with me that they can't get serious with me ?

No one ever keeps plans

Apparently the world thinks its ok to cancel on my repeatedly. That's ok I needed another reason to hate myself and everyone around me. In the last week I have been canceled on 5 times by 2 different people. Both of which made the plans with me each time and canceled with less than an hour of said meeting time. One night he was supposed to pick me up from work. Didn't show and u had to wait an hour for my sister to come get me. Why do people think its ok to cancel on me and at the last minute too? How am I that unimportant to everyone I come in contact with? What the hell is wrong with me?