paranoid

I don't know why but every moment of my life lately I sit thinking About how something could go terribly wrong. It's not all the time but it's enough for me to get worked up about. Only I never tell people how terrified of life I get. But like I have sai before, i am my own kind of crazy. I work myself up so much I sabotage my life, my dates, even my family. Ugh one day I will let myself have a happy life... One day.

Made it 238 days

Not proud of it just had to

There's a book on my bookcase filled with knives, box cutters and razors just waiting in silence for the day they hear my skin scream. And I took it down today. I haven't decided if I am going to use them or not. It has been 238 days since the last te I cut and I honestly have been doing well with the urges. But this week hasn't even began and I'm already stressed about that will happen. I don't know how to handle myself, I am so filled with stress and hate I can't seem to get rid of these feelings. The only way i have ever been able to deal with emotions like his was to cut. So now the question is do I open the book?

Welcome to hell again

so got a call from dad last night. he and mom left 2 days ago for vacation in Idaho. but anyway he called to tell us mom fell and broke her leg again... AGAIN! i was so mad that i honestly almost threw up i told him there was no way in hell i was helping her out again. not after the last time she broke it. it has been almost exactly 4 years and i have hated her almost every day since she fell the first time. in the past 4 yrs most of my almost a thousand cuts has been from the stress she has caused in my life. i dont know if i can make it through it again.

Liquids

So I decided this week I'm going on a liquids fast where I only consume liquids. Haven't decided how long it may be but I need to try it. The fact that I am working all the time may help the no foods rule too because at my job I don't really have much time to stop and munch on anything. Hmmm should be interesting to see how long I can last.

Love for me is like true happiness. Not sure if I will ever find it