He's coming home!

So don't know how many of you know this but I'm mormon. And well my friend Andrew is coming home from his mission in 18 Days! He has been gone for 2 years and the longer he has been gone the more I miss him. We weren't super close when he was here but we talked a lot. And well now that time is ticking down my heart is racing with the fact that soon I can see him and not just write him a letter! I'm so excited!

Today I am totally crawling in my skin. I wasn't while I was at work but now that I'm with family and going to be with more family in a bit so I can just sense the stress coming. Today is a day where I don't need to break the skin I just need a little pain to drown out the itchy crawly feeling

The second he gets in the car my skin crawls and I want to scream and tear out of my body

Finish this

i am: far from who people think I am
i think: about guys that dont think about me...WAY too much
i know: who I dont want to be
i want: to find someone who completes me
i have: trust issues
i wish: being 'just friends' was easier
i hate: being cold
i miss: spending everyday with my best friend Laura
i fear: that i may never find someone who loves me as much as i love him
i feel: too many emotions at once
i hear: love at first sight can be real
i smell: fresh laundry
i crave: a hug from the perfect person
i search: the world for him
i wonder: why people have to be so mean
i regret: saying yes
i love: white roses with red tips
i ache: for someone to need me in their life
i care: too much for someone who doesn't even know i exist
i always: sensor my thoughts therefor leaving things unsaid
i am not: as naturally happy as i used to be
i believe: in miracles and love
i dance: when nobody can see me
i sing: when I am happy
i don’t always: clean my room
i fight: opening up to people
i write: my thoughts out in emails and in my journal so i dont have to burden my family
i win: at...
i lose: my mind waiting to figure out what i want to do with my life
i never: really trust myself around anyone
i confuse: friendship for love
i listen: the voices in my head far too much
i long: to feel like a disney princess at the end of the movie
i can usually be found: reading a book or drawing
i am scared: burning to death
i need: something in my life to change
i am happy about: seeing laura for the first time in about a year

I HATE people who tell me what I am feeling or what I am going through. Young and/or old people are always telling me that I'm happy, upset, angry, pms-ing, that my face is turning red. Why the hell do people do that? Its my fucking life! Stop judging me and my emotions.

Its been 87 days and I can't believe it. There have been plenty of urges but nothing has happened. Like today my skin has been screaming for the blade and yet nothing happens. I will stay string even in my dark days. I will stay strong

''What my heart wants is not necessarily what my heart can have''

it hurts

just seeing his pictures. yes he was only a friend to me but he is still the only guy to have my heart. seeing pictures on his facebook or on myspace just makes me hurt even more. so for now i deleted him as a friend. he refuses to talk to me he ignores any form of contact and it kills me... so i am going to start a change in me. everytime i think of him i will think of something i hate about him..and sooner or later it wont hurt as much... hopefully

well its been one week sense i have talked to Chris... its been hard. yeah he makes me feel like crap in so many different ways but without him as a friend i have a hole in me that has a pain that is echoing and eating away at me. Soon it will stop, wont it?

So I went to the Midnight showing of New Moon last night and it was awesome! I'm just soo ready for eclipse to be out!

So as of today I'm going to try and see how long I can go without talking to chris. I probly can't go too long but I'm gonna try. He isn't good for me. He doesn't want me as much as I want him to. Its never gonna happen. I can keep telling myself that until I believe it

Happiness

I think I'm scared of being happy because if I'm happy I can get hurt and I don't do well when I hurt. Life seems to want to stop and one of these times it will.

So today my heart has been hurting for my past present and future. I have been emotional and mean but I have been sensoring myself a lot less and actually speaking my mind a little more, not completely but more. It was a quiet friday the 13th for me worked in the morning and I'm gonna hang with some friends later on tonight. We r going to see the new movie 2012. It looks amazing plus I love John Cussack he is amazing.

Today I hate everyone. everything anyone does gets on my nerves and sends rage through my skin and I don't know who I want to hurt more, me or them. I can't help it.

Today is not a day I like myself. I look at my body and I ask myself what guy would want me? With over a thousand visible scars all over ugh and yet its an addiction for me and I know more is to come.Plus this week my bra metal underwire snapped early in the day while I was at work and couldn't do a thing about it, and my breast is all cut up and sensitive.