My Darkness

Tonight I am feeling something I haven't felt in a very long time. I am tense, stressed, anxious. I am crawling in my skin. I am frustrated with life right now. I tried to journal but it didn't feel right. I'm to tense to write anything. As much as B tries to understand and no matter how I try to explain what this feeling is he just never gets it. the loneliness and emptiness I feel rocks my core and no matter what he does I have to ride out the storm inside. tonight its been hours. the ache for sharp relief is there.. but.. I have gone so long without it I know I cant.. I have been so strong in the fight. I have had many nights where I cry uncontrollably when the emptiness wins. When I'm alone I can handle it but when It creeps in when I'm with him it is even harder. He has seen it start with a single happy tear and continue for hours with tears full of empty heartache. My emotions control me now more than they ever have before and its so frustrating. even now the tears refuse to stop. the stress slowly draining but the ache and crawling remain. Life right now is full of uncertainty and its not helping my anxiety. I know that I am starting my new job in September but I still haven't had the chance to confirm anything over there. I know that B and I are moving in together but don't know the actual time yet and as it stands I will be starting my new job before we even move which means I have to figure out how to commute to and from while still living with mom and dad. Ugh I don't know what to do with life these days.

Changes

Today marks the one month mark till my last day at work. I will be transferring to a different building closer to where I will be living. I have my last day set as Aug 25th. It is the last day of summer camp. Mainly because I refuse to work on a set up day for a school year I won't be here for.
So B and I are moving in together. Originally we said middle of August then end of August. But we found out his leave actually isn't up until the end of September so now the plan is middle of September... Move in days where he is are the 10th of the month. That means we will be moving the week of my birthday.. ugh. I have started going though my things slowly getting rid of things.
My other concern is that I still don't drive. Or have a car for the time that I do get my license.. one of mom's friends said she was considering selling her car but we haven't heard anything since.
I am slowly noticing my stress level rising. I have been having nightmares, been more emotional, and have just basically been exhausted all the time. Mom was asking if I was freaking out and honestly I know it's coming but I'm definitely not in a full panic yet. This will be my first time moving. And I am moving away from my family. It's a big move. Last weekend I switched over to B's phone plan. So that's one step closer to making the movie official. OH! And the roommates still don't know he is moving out!?! He isn't even planning on letting them know until we sign the papers.