Dreams

I had an amazing dream about him last night. he did everything i know he will never do in real life. it wasn't a sex dream, just a dream full of my hopes and dreams. He was perfect. the way i always see him. I don't think i could ever not love him. yes he has his many faults but to me sadly he can do no wrong. he has told me what is in his heart and he has never acted on anything. so there is only hope that one day he will. one day..

All I want To do today is cry. Everything seems to be weighing on my shoulders and the walls are crashing in. Lately I have had a strange mixture of fear of surgery and no fear of it. In some moments fear takes over and I want to curl into a ball and cry. other times I dont fear it at all. then there are the times i think about it and hope that something goes wrong and i die.

One of these days you will realize how big of a douche you have been and realize my world doesnt revolve around you anymore. it hasnt in years.. grow up!