Im getting away

So this week is my vacation off from work and i dont have to go back until the 6th. im soo ready. the first few days were fun but its today that i have been waiting for. I get to go spend a few days with my best friend and her husband plus i get to see a few other friends i havent seen in about a year. some of those meetings will be rather awkward but most will or should be fun.
I dyed my hair again last night its deep almost velvety red, its actually the origional color i wanted instead of the bright red i got last time.
Man hope these next few days go great i neeed some fun in my life.

Been on the brink of tears today, everything just seems to push me just that far. haven't totally cried but tears have been shed. I guess i just really need a hug. tomorrow is my first day of vacation and we are planning to go to the zoo with my brother and his family, i'm actually really excited about it we haven't ever done something with his whole family just usually his wife.

Feeling alone today, utterly and helplessly alone. It doesnt help that I an seriously the only person at my job today, alone.. must be my destiny because thats how I end up every night. Its not the weather either, I love the rain, it usually makes me happy but for some reason today it isnt. I have tried reading, napping, working, cleaning, nothing seems to work when there is no one there to fix it.
where is chris? where is the one guy who can make me feel better just by being around me, by talking to me.. where is he and why doesn he seem to be avoiding me even when he says he isnt? He is still avoiding my texts and calls. I have only attempted contact once this week and there was nothing in responce. I should be used to his lack of interest but he says he is interested just busy. I dont believe it either way but have been working on trusting him, I have been told i have trust issues lol yeah cause i didnt know that already lol.

im a cutter and its taken a long time for me to even be open about that.

its good to know who you are and i dont think im even close yet.

and its hard to love your body when its been destroyed over the years. its hard to let someone love your body too when youu see it as gross.

Always Be in Love.. Always

that has what has gotten me into trouble. constantly loving him and never getting loved in return and yet the love is there. he tells me he wants to see me but when it comes down to the time to do it or when i ask when he gets flaky and it drives me crazy only adding to my craving for him. This one way friendship is getting to me and im starting to accept that i need more friends.. other friends who arent him. this sucks