Memories of cutting

So I was thinking about my life and what caused me to go down the road of self destruction. And as I think , I remember started cutting because my best friend did it. And then again because I was bored. And then I went through a phase where I did things I wasn't proud of, like in 9th grade I went and got drunk for my friends birthday, I gave my best friend a hand job in a sauna. Not long after that he told me he was gay. I guess those memories and built up shame and guilt just gave me more will power to cut. I started to hate myself, though it wasn't until years later that I entered complete self loathing. There was also an event that even to this day I don't know how to react to. When my best friend moved sophomore year, I spent the weekend they moved with them. When it was time for bed, the bedrooms weren't unpacked yet so my friend her brother and I all slept on a few mattresses pushed together in the living room with me in the middle. Her brother was a few years older than me but still a friend. But yeah, in the middle of the night something in my dream changed and that had never happened before. It came to mind that it wasn't happening in my dream it was happening to me. I open my eyes and her brother was under my blanket pressed up against me humping me. And to this day I don't know if he was dressed or not because I never turned to see. I was traumatized and pretended to be asleep until he was done. it must have been 5 or 10 minutes before he got up and went to the bathroom, and while he was gone I checked to see if my friend was awake but she wasn't, so I wrapped myself in my blanket and forced myself to go back to sleep. Plus growing up I had people telling me my dad was creepy, and a pervert. That got to me also. And for the past 4 or 5 years I have hugged him 3 or 4 times, and haven't allowed him to touch me. From highschool and beyond is when my cutting got bad, I even went sofar as to burn myself a few times. But since my era of self loathing started, my family life hasn't helped either. 3 years ago mom fell and broke her arm and leg and we were forced to take care of her. That started my depression, and sinse then anything and everything has sent me into a downward spiral. I had 4 friends die and have come close to over dosing many times. Even my therapist gave up on me because I was too depressed and didn't seem to want to quit the self injuring. This doesn't even really begin to express my memories and repressed feelings as to why I am a cutter, but not even my therapist knew about these things.