Awkward!

Ok so today my mom asked me to come into her room for a short chat. She had been reading a book and I guess the boy in the book cut him self and he did it in more than one area. So she learned that people don't just cut in one area of the body and that the prominently cut on their thighs, butts, and stomachs. She then asked me if I cut on more areas than just my arms. I just laughed and said maybe. Then she commented about how I should make an appointment with my therapist. But I was like no that won't do anything.I also told her that I do it more out of addiction than out of self loathing. Which isn't exactly true so whatever, she dosen't need to know everything about my cutting. She has no freaking idea how much I cut and she never will.

i think i broke my heart today

so a few weeks ago we found out that i was going to be an aunt, and the entire family was super happy but not allowed to tell anyone just in case. but mom didn't remember that and she told like half the family. well today we got a call saying that they lost the baby. and when i found out my heart just sank. i have has a horrible pain in my chest since, and it wont go away. i cant even talk to them because what do you say to someone who just lost their first baby? its just heart breaking. they were so excited and were still to scared to tell anyone.

Oh my god, i cant stand my mom! she has been a total bitch. she complains that i never contribute to anything which i don't understand, because i pay bills every other month. and she is the one who shops constantly. oh and not to mention that she thinks that i need a new job with more hours, when i work way more than 40 hours a week, just because i only have a "constant" job on Saturdays. AND she loves to pick at every one of my flaws, it drives me insane!
today i find out that she told some woman that i would stay with her children while she is gone for three days, and i guess it happened a few days ago. now i have to even though my plate is way too full already. she drives me freakin crazy! she thinks that just because i helped out in the special ed classes for 3 years that i would consider helping with 3 autistic kids by myself for 3 days! she is freakin crazy!i hate her! she honestly has no idea how much i hate her, i mean what the hell! I hate how she never consults with us about anything! she just thinks that we are useless and that she can find new things for us to do even though we are too busy as it is, and i need my freaking days off! she cant just decide that i have to to things! i am 21 years old for gods sake!

Again... it happened again.

I cut again for the first time in a few weeks. I needed it. It would have happened sooner of later, I knew I wouldn't stop. So now there r 5 fresh cuts on my body and it feels awesome! Weird I know, but I crave pain in a strange way.

The Boyfriend List

The list is:
* Johnny S
* Sean B
* Jesse R
* Jake W
* Cory H
* Marcus J
* Steven P
* Kyle M
* MacDonald F
* Justin B
* Matt W
* Andrew R
* Chris B
* Dane P
* Caleb G
* Zach S
* Benjamin G
* Seth M
* Ryan R
* Ryan B
* Neil L
* Brandon M


Others were thought of, but the more I thought of it, they didnt fit the issue