I DID IT!

I did it! 400 cuts in 2 years! Ok so technically I have 402 but still, how awesome!

Memories of cutting

So I was thinking about my life and what caused me to go down the road of self destruction. And as I think , I remember started cutting because my best friend did it. And then again because I was bored. And then I went through a phase where I did things I wasn't proud of, like in 9th grade I went and got drunk for my friends birthday, I gave my best friend a hand job in a sauna. Not long after that he told me he was gay. I guess those memories and built up shame and guilt just gave me more will power to cut. I started to hate myself, though it wasn't until years later that I entered complete self loathing. There was also an event that even to this day I don't know how to react to. When my best friend moved sophomore year, I spent the weekend they moved with them. When it was time for bed, the bedrooms weren't unpacked yet so my friend her brother and I all slept on a few mattresses pushed together in the living room with me in the middle. Her brother was a few years older than me but still a friend. But yeah, in the middle of the night something in my dream changed and that had never happened before. It came to mind that it wasn't happening in my dream it was happening to me. I open my eyes and her brother was under my blanket pressed up against me humping me. And to this day I don't know if he was dressed or not because I never turned to see. I was traumatized and pretended to be asleep until he was done. it must have been 5 or 10 minutes before he got up and went to the bathroom, and while he was gone I checked to see if my friend was awake but she wasn't, so I wrapped myself in my blanket and forced myself to go back to sleep. Plus growing up I had people telling me my dad was creepy, and a pervert. That got to me also. And for the past 4 or 5 years I have hugged him 3 or 4 times, and haven't allowed him to touch me. From highschool and beyond is when my cutting got bad, I even went sofar as to burn myself a few times. But since my era of self loathing started, my family life hasn't helped either. 3 years ago mom fell and broke her arm and leg and we were forced to take care of her. That started my depression, and sinse then anything and everything has sent me into a downward spiral. I had 4 friends die and have come close to over dosing many times. Even my therapist gave up on me because I was too depressed and didn't seem to want to quit the self injuring. This doesn't even really begin to express my memories and repressed feelings as to why I am a cutter, but not even my therapist knew about these things.

Scammed

So everyone knows that if you get something in the mail you never signed up for almost always is a scam. My dad didn't think of that when he got something about being a secret shopper. Hell he even went so far as to call and check it out. So the place sent him a check for a couple thousand dollars and without really thinking about it he went and cashed it. Not until a day later did my mom even consider it as a scam. So they called the bank and they said to give it a few days. So they did. That was great until yesterday when my dad got a call from the bank saying the check bounced. Knowing he prettymuch screwd our family, dad was sleepless with worry. And its not like mom could yell at him because she fell for it too. So now we r puting all the family money into my account because it has no connection to anyone elses, so the bank just closes dad and doesn't touch anyone elses. Needless to say dad isn't allowd on the internet anymore.

Reaching 400

So here it is, in the next few days I will reach 400 cuts in 2 years

Lots of blood

Ok so befor I cut tonight I took three morphine pills. I have been bleeding a lot and its mainly because I cut deep today. So yeah in the middle of a cut... my dad opened my door without knocking. Luckily I was able to pull a blanket over everything before he saw it. With the blood, I painted a picture in my journal. So now I'm just working on stopping the bleding.

I tried

Today I actually had the guts to talk to my best friend about my cutting and my other issues that I haven't told her. And when I brought it up she listened for a bit and then drifted off to another topic. She didn't even want to talk about it... she never does. I don't know, that just seems weird.