one of those days

Today has been one of those days. A day where from the beginning I felt off. I woke from a nightmare that I could only remember flashes of but woke with a headache. We ran errands and I told him I needed food so I told him I wanted McDonald's. So we went to McDonald's I gave my order and even repeated it for the guy. We got in the car and we're on the highway when we looked in the bag and some of my food was missing. I lost it.. I started bawling. I was so angry. B gave me some of his food which was what I was missing and said he loved me. He then watched me with a smile while I cried while I ate knowing I needed to eat. The amount of rage that filled me he knew leaving me along was his best move but made sure I knew he loved me and was there for me. I cried three other times today over other small things. I stopped getting my period not long after getting my IUD but noticed I still get my emotional surges each month. B does his best to tolerate me during those times. He has also notice that since this birth control my emotions have had extreme highs and lows. I have been trying to keep my emotions in check but they are stronger than ever. I even cried at work this week. 

The Happiest Place on Earth

About two weeks ago B and I went on my first real vacation. My first flight ever. It was fun and exciting to see the land from so high up. We went to Disneyland for five days. It started out stressful but turned out perfect. We saw all of our favorite characters and rode all the rides we could. We ate the Disney food and even got sick from a few rides. We took all the pictures, ended up with over 400. On the 27th we waited in line for almost an hour to see Chinese New Year Minnie and Mickey. When we finally get to see them we took pictures when B asked for one more. I turned to see him down on one knee. I honestly didn't see it coming. It was so sweet. The ring is 3 gems in the shape of a Mickey mouse head. It's beautiful and a starter ring and I love it. The best part is we got pictures of the whole thing.

While I am so excited that it has happened I still feel more or less empty inside. I'm happy but so sad I cry almost every day. I don't understand my own emotions. My mood swings have been erratic and B has been so patient with me. People are expecting me to know exactly what I want my wedding to be like when really I thought I had ideas but now I'm questioning all of those ideas. I know I would like it in front of a barn but not sure if it's what I want too. We haven't even set a date. We just said it would be a year or two out.

Life with B

Well I started living with B and the roommates the last week of August. I had just finished my week of training and my new job needed me immediately. We worked out the bus system and figured it took two buses each morning to get me to work with B picking me up at night. One night he noticed an apartment complex near my work and we applied that night. By that Monday we had heard back B went and saw the place and we were able to move in that Sunday. We moved it Sept 10th. That was the perfect weekend since the roommates were out of town. Amber came over and helped us pack Saturday stayed through Sunday and helped us move in. It was actually nice. Our place is small but adorable. It's a one bedroom with a walk in closet, laundry room, walk in pantry and a nice sizes kitchen and living room. while we aren't entirely in packed yet two weeks later it has been fun finding out what we don't have and what we forgot to pack from our old places. Like most of his dishes and servingware. We have made plenty of trips to target and will hopeful!y get the rest of our needs this weekend because yay payday. The best part is its a ten minute walk to work for me. Anne a ten minute drive for him. This weekend we are finally getting our couch. We still don't have Wi-Fi or cable so we have been watching stuff on our phones lol it's terrible. I must admit actually living together as a couple is interesting. right now we are both so tired after work we have dinner, watch a few episodes if that then are usually asleep by 930pm. I have been so tired I have been sleeping through his 4am alarms. At some point hopefully we will get used to our schedules and be able to function more easily. I just hope we can get rid of the boxes sooner rather than later.

My Darkness

Tonight I am feeling something I haven't felt in a very long time. I am tense, stressed, anxious. I am crawling in my skin. I am frustrated with life right now. I tried to journal but it didn't feel right. I'm to tense to write anything. As much as B tries to understand and no matter how I try to explain what this feeling is he just never gets it. the loneliness and emptiness I feel rocks my core and no matter what he does I have to ride out the storm inside. tonight its been hours. the ache for sharp relief is there.. but.. I have gone so long without it I know I cant.. I have been so strong in the fight. I have had many nights where I cry uncontrollably when the emptiness wins. When I'm alone I can handle it but when It creeps in when I'm with him it is even harder. He has seen it start with a single happy tear and continue for hours with tears full of empty heartache. My emotions control me now more than they ever have before and its so frustrating. even now the tears refuse to stop. the stress slowly draining but the ache and crawling remain. Life right now is full of uncertainty and its not helping my anxiety. I know that I am starting my new job in September but I still haven't had the chance to confirm anything over there. I know that B and I are moving in together but don't know the actual time yet and as it stands I will be starting my new job before we even move which means I have to figure out how to commute to and from while still living with mom and dad. Ugh I don't know what to do with life these days.

Changes

Today marks the one month mark till my last day at work. I will be transferring to a different building closer to where I will be living. I have my last day set as Aug 25th. It is the last day of summer camp. Mainly because I refuse to work on a set up day for a school year I won't be here for.
So B and I are moving in together. Originally we said middle of August then end of August. But we found out his leave actually isn't up until the end of September so now the plan is middle of September... Move in days where he is are the 10th of the month. That means we will be moving the week of my birthday.. ugh. I have started going though my things slowly getting rid of things.
My other concern is that I still don't drive. Or have a car for the time that I do get my license.. one of mom's friends said she was considering selling her car but we haven't heard anything since.
I am slowly noticing my stress level rising. I have been having nightmares, been more emotional, and have just basically been exhausted all the time. Mom was asking if I was freaking out and honestly I know it's coming but I'm definitely not in a full panic yet. This will be my first time moving. And I am moving away from my family. It's a big move. Last weekend I switched over to B's phone plan. So that's one step closer to making the movie official. OH! And the roommates still don't know he is moving out!?! He isn't even planning on letting them know until we sign the papers.

Feeling a little broken

Christmas was great. B came and got me Christmas eve. Christmas morning we went to Brian's for my family and then went up to his parents house for his families. It was a good one.
The part that broke me a little was checking Facebook. First four, then five, then Six, now eight people I know got engaged over Christmas. Two of which are B's co-workers so we knew about one of them before it happened. B had mentioned that someone had asked if he was feeling pressure at all and he said no and laughed. He laughed telling me about it. And now I have this ache..and a constant need to cry. Only I can't stand to cry in front of him, he gives me this look that makes me want to cry more. It's not a bad look, it's a mix between love and you're crazy. I love him and I know he loves me it's the waiting that hurts.

Day 1 of 2016

Well it's January 1st and I think back on this last year, it was a lot of fun. B and I did a few fun things and our relationship has grown so much. He has helped me grow so much. I started exercising this last year, I vacationed, I realized who I am as a person, I even changed classrooms at work. I admit work has been a bit more stressful this yeah working with a brand new teacher but it's a different kind of stress than the years past. I am excited to see what this new year brings. Perhaps something big. Who knows. This month is our third anniversary, our third year of loving each other and seeing that love grow more and more.

Christmas review

This Christmas was a somewhat special one. Brandon and I decided we wanted to spend it together. We have been together almost 3 yrs and this was our first Christmas we spent together.  He came down and had Christmas morning with my family at my brothers house then we went up north to his parents house and had Christmas dinner with his family. It was a really nice day. My family was a little upset I wasn't joining them at my aunts that evening but mom came around to it. It's amazing how different families do Christmas,  my family always does a small thing where his family took like an hour to do gifts. It was fun and crazy. One of the best Christmas' I've had in a while

Realizing

Today I realized. I really want to be a mom I just know that I won't be good at it so I don't want to give myself the option

My family

The older I get and the more time I spend with my family,  the more I realize how much I hate them. Every minute with them irritates me more and more

Telling

So after this week im not sure how my family will see me. I promised my bf id spend my vacation days with him or atleast mostly with him. But my family still doesnt know I stay at his house.
I kniw they must suspect something because he brings me home each weekend but I just cant knowingly know I am a disappointment to them. I love him and he makes me happier than they have in yrs

my heart in more ways than one

Well my 3 month appointment came and went. they ran tests and came to the conclusion that while surgery definitely helped, my heart still has its flaws. My Bicuspid is still leaking even after the fix so it seems my heart is meant to run that way. they aren't concerned because I am still doing fine. I have the irregular beat still but its only every so often and not anywhere what it was which is good but we will continue to watch it and they want me to go back in in 6 months for another ultrasound to keep an eye on it. I did experience my first actual pain the other day.. it was sharp, deep and fast and right along my scar. In the heart of my heart I think I know something. Life and love with Brandon has been a bit different lately. I think something is going on inside him, while he shows love and affection he also seems more bitter and indignant. He is who I am with, who I crave, who pops up in my mind throughout the day and he is the one who has my heart. I ache just thinking about the day when he might actually realize he no longer wants me in his life. It physically hurts to think about. I have never felt like this with someone. I thought I knew love with Chris but I was oh so wrong. what I has with him was nothing compared to what I have now. I now know the difference in giving your heart to someone who doesn't want it or care about it, and giving your heart to one who loves you in return. One who looks at you like you matter to them, who makes you feel magical. I cannot say I see my whole life with him but I cant imagine not being with him. Tonight mom asked how serious we are, whether we see our lives together or moving towards that level. Honestly I would move to that level in a heartbeat but there is that part of me that believes that while he does love me he doesn't love me or want me on that level. I think he believes I am holding back still and he is almost resentful. He mentioned something about me always pulling away from him when he is trying to be intimate. I could believe it, it made me think.. do I? maybe I have once or twice but not to my recognition. If anything I crave his touch because he isn't interested in intimacy. Just his touch calms me and I don't think he understands that. Yes I have my moments (that I have had for yrs) where someone else touching me hurts my skin, but with him it rarely happens. Its rare with him. He is the one my heart sings for, He is my sand dollar on the beach.

Life After Heart Surgery

Its a little over a month since surgery and I can officially say I am off pain meds. Oh my god it has been a rough few weeks. From ER visits to countless calls to the hospital about pain and other problems. The pharmacy not filling prescriptions, and Drs taking hours to call back it was so hard and painful and having nurses look at me in pain while knowing I was weeks out of heart surgery and still treat me like I was a drug seeking crazy person. After filing complaints on nurses and various staff, I finally got a Dr to listen to me and help me. Sleeping was impossible although I was constantly exhausted and passing out in chairs. Taking pain pills every three hours was taking a toll on me and in the end I fought it, I decided to suffer through the night just so I could sleep more than 2 hrs at a time. Being stuck with family has been my hardest issue. B has been visiting and going out when he isn't working and its been wonderful. Even my mom is starting to like him. Being around him helped with the pain, he calms me and makes it easier. My aunt took me away for 5 days to Portland, we did lots of tourist things and it was very relaxing, I even got a haircut. While on the trip I weened myself off of the pain meds too so that has made things easier. Next week is my Second Check Back appointment and then soon after that I get to go back to work. I am ready for work.

1week post op

Last Wednesday I went in for my 4th open heart surgery, and 5th heart surgery. It's been a long hard week. They said it was an extremely difficult surgery and took them an hour and a half longer than they thought it would. The hospital was better than I thought it would be.I had great nurses and lots o visitors. B was there most of the days and was amazing. He was precious and delecate. He held my hand and rubbed my back and took me on walks and helped me to the bathroom when the nurses weren't fast enough. The weekend before my surgery told me he loved me and hearing that felt as good as I thought it would. I came home from the hospital last night. Hardest thing ever! The family has been driving me crazy and while trying to help have been hurting me. I'm so damn sore and achy it hurts to move. I barely slept and when I did it wasn't for very long. I can't seem to get comfortable but hopefully I will get a hospital bed by Friday. I just hope I can sleep before then.

It's almost here

Well u have 3 and a half days of work left before I go in for surgery. The kids at work are still learning the concept of time and ask everyday if I am fixed yet. But boy am I ready. While I am ready for it I am also a bit nervous, the word is out and I'm fairly certain everyone knows what's going on.  It's going to be weird and stressful and hard. I have no memory of the pain of the last open heart surgery I had. If anything that is what makes me nervous the most, my pain tolerance is nowhere near where it used to be.

Heart Surgery is set

My heart surgery is happening. I called the hospital today and scheduled it for January 22nd. It's going to be the biggest surgery I have had. Repairing at least 4 parts of my heart. I also have appointment s on the 9th for Reading test results and another on the 16th for pre-op stuff. I plan to work up until the day before surgery and hope I don't get worse before than. I haven't had the easiest time sleeping or breathing and I have been uber emotional and crying a lot. I have been. Having nightmares about the after.like Dieing and not healing right. Or like B not wanting to be around me or treating me different.I want him to be there when I wake up but I don't in a way, I don't want to have him there. Like I don't want my family with me the whole time. I don't want to be around my family during my recovery. I hate that mom is so effing protective and doesn't want me out of her sight. B wants me to spend time recovering at his house, and I swear if they drive me ready I might just do it. I hate that I will be in the hospital for his birthday and our 1yr anniversary and still in recovery for Valentine's day. Ugh so frustrating.

My Birthday

Ok I have to admit my birthday went alot better than I thought it would. Friday I went to a Charlotte Sometimes concert with a friend. It was the longest concert ever but it was totally worth it. Charlotte was amazing I got to meet her and got a picture with her.
Saturday we had my birthday breakfast at IHOP and it was fun. I dressed up all fancy. It was mom dad ash brian Jeanette and brandon. sad was onlh a little bit awkward and Jeanette tamed ashleys bitchiness. After breakfast I went with brandon. We went to the Alderwood mall and he bought me 4 pair of leggings and a waterbottle from rei. For lunch we had coldstone then went back to his place and watched more dexter. It was a fun day.
Sunday morning he drove me home and I took a nice long nap then took the family out to dinner. I chose the Olive Garden. It was nice. On the way home there was a large thunderstorm. It was a good weekend.  
I turned in my insurance application this morning and new coverage should start October 1st. Which is good because I get cut off September 30th. Big sigh of relief here.

Tears and I are close friends

There are days where I truly believe I beat my depression. Where life can't get any better. Then there are days where you realise you love someone infinitely more than they love or even like you. I feel it and know what it feels like but can't say it because I have that gut feeling that tells me not to tell him because he doesn't feel the same. Yes he Chose me but from the beginning I was his second choice. I have opened up my life to him. He has met my whole family, and has my heart when I didn't think I would give it to him. Here it is 6 months together and he has yet to let me into his life other than his arms. Who is his family? Who are his friends?  Why hasn't he mentioned me to his family? Ugh really not liking life right now.

my body

My family knows what I can do to my body, they just dont know the extent of what I have done to my body.

My scars

When I die they can ID my body from my scars

I see my scars as beautiful, not as a punishment of what I have done.

I cut to feel anything