Day 1 of 2016

Well it's January 1st and I think back on this last year, it was a lot of fun. B and I did a few fun things and our relationship has grown so much. He has helped me grow so much. I started exercising this last year, I vacationed, I realized who I am as a person, I even changed classrooms at work. I admit work has been a bit more stressful this yeah working with a brand new teacher but it's a different kind of stress than the years past. I am excited to see what this new year brings. Perhaps something big. Who knows. This month is our third anniversary, our third year of loving each other and seeing that love grow more and more.

Ranting...

I am having a hard time with life right now. With being too broke to do anything, I am just trying to make it thru Christmas and paying hospital bills while not starving...and with work and my love life. The holiday season is always a stressful one, but I feel as though at the end of the night I am so exhausted that I don't want to come back the next day. I always do though because I am the reliable one. Today we had five teachers out it was ridiculous, we barely had enough people to get breaks. Plus with the non stop rain we only got the kids outside once today. The kids are getting cabin fever and winter hasn't even hit yet. They holiday season should be fun not stressful, I hate being so negative all the time but I can't seem to help it. I'm angry or emotional with small bouts of happy mixed in. I am frustrated all the time with myself. In the last three years I have gained 25lbs. I am not at my heaviest but that's because I have been working out a bit and trying not to snack as often. I am currently at 224.7lbs and I feel it. I feel all of it. My heart is the healthiest it has every been but I am not and I hate myself for that. I started out riding the stationary bike and worked up to the elliptical. I went from 20 minutes to over an hour workouts. After breaking my foot last fall the foot does hurt a lot by the end of the work day and surprisingly the workouts haven't been too bad. Some days it even feels amazing at the end.

Home is becoming toxic

I hate being at home.All they ever do is tell, bicker, and complain. It's rare if they are nice to each other. My weekends at home are becoming harder and harder from both sides of the equation. On one end the ache I have for Brandon eats away at me, it makes me question why I don't drive and think or even consider getting a license. I know I need to get o it. Being home with them, there is so much hate and anger and resentment in this house and in this family. It's toxic and I hate being here. A family shouldn't be like this. I don't want a relationship or even a marriage where we argue and resent each other. I hate being here. I HATE BEING HERE!