My Darkness

Tonight I am feeling something I haven't felt in a very long time. I am tense, stressed, anxious. I am crawling in my skin. I am frustrated with life right now. I tried to journal but it didn't feel right. I'm to tense to write anything. As much as B tries to understand and no matter how I try to explain what this feeling is he just never gets it. the loneliness and emptiness I feel rocks my core and no matter what he does I have to ride out the storm inside. tonight its been hours. the ache for sharp relief is there.. but.. I have gone so long without it I know I cant.. I have been so strong in the fight. I have had many nights where I cry uncontrollably when the emptiness wins. When I'm alone I can handle it but when It creeps in when I'm with him it is even harder. He has seen it start with a single happy tear and continue for hours with tears full of empty heartache. My emotions control me now more than they ever have before and its so frustrating. even now the tears refuse to stop. the stress slowly draining but the ache and crawling remain. Life right now is full of uncertainty and its not helping my anxiety. I know that I am starting my new job in September but I still haven't had the chance to confirm anything over there. I know that B and I are moving in together but don't know the actual time yet and as it stands I will be starting my new job before we even move which means I have to figure out how to commute to and from while still living with mom and dad. Ugh I don't know what to do with life these days.

Alice in Wonderland part 2

My valentine's day gift was part 2 of my tattoo. I could only sit for 2 hrs because my hit was killing me and the pain almost made me throw up a few times. We had to schedule my 3rd appointment  a little further out so its march 22nd. Should be mostly healed by then.

my heart in more ways than one

Well my 3 month appointment came and went. they ran tests and came to the conclusion that while surgery definitely helped, my heart still has its flaws. My Bicuspid is still leaking even after the fix so it seems my heart is meant to run that way. they aren't concerned because I am still doing fine. I have the irregular beat still but its only every so often and not anywhere what it was which is good but we will continue to watch it and they want me to go back in in 6 months for another ultrasound to keep an eye on it. I did experience my first actual pain the other day.. it was sharp, deep and fast and right along my scar. In the heart of my heart I think I know something. Life and love with Brandon has been a bit different lately. I think something is going on inside him, while he shows love and affection he also seems more bitter and indignant. He is who I am with, who I crave, who pops up in my mind throughout the day and he is the one who has my heart. I ache just thinking about the day when he might actually realize he no longer wants me in his life. It physically hurts to think about. I have never felt like this with someone. I thought I knew love with Chris but I was oh so wrong. what I has with him was nothing compared to what I have now. I now know the difference in giving your heart to someone who doesn't want it or care about it, and giving your heart to one who loves you in return. One who looks at you like you matter to them, who makes you feel magical. I cannot say I see my whole life with him but I cant imagine not being with him. Tonight mom asked how serious we are, whether we see our lives together or moving towards that level. Honestly I would move to that level in a heartbeat but there is that part of me that believes that while he does love me he doesn't love me or want me on that level. I think he believes I am holding back still and he is almost resentful. He mentioned something about me always pulling away from him when he is trying to be intimate. I could believe it, it made me think.. do I? maybe I have once or twice but not to my recognition. If anything I crave his touch because he isn't interested in intimacy. Just his touch calms me and I don't think he understands that. Yes I have my moments (that I have had for yrs) where someone else touching me hurts my skin, but with him it rarely happens. Its rare with him. He is the one my heart sings for, He is my sand dollar on the beach.

my body

My family knows what I can do to my body, they just dont know the extent of what I have done to my body.

My scars

When I die they can ID my body from my scars

I see my scars as beautiful, not as a punishment of what I have done.

I cut to feel anything