Day of tears

I cried today. ALOT. Stress from school paired with my anxiety and life crap have been weighing me down. I cried in the car on the way to work and through my entire call with my teacher and a little I front of the kids at work too. And then on my break and again on my lunch then again on my way home. I was asked multiple times today if I was "ok". And I couldn't say yes. My answer was "no not really but I'm here" my eyes were brimmed with tears all day. 

Recent Lows

You would think that after six and a half years he would learn that tickling and making me laugh do not take the depression away. It doesn't fix me.

Feeling very anxious

Today is an off day. Anxiety is thrumming through my body and I am actively focusing on not crying. I'm not really sure what sparked it either, it's been a really good day. Nothing anxiety or depression worthy. Just out of the blue sadness and overwhelming emotions. Ugh.

My Darkness

Tonight I am feeling something I haven't felt in a very long time. I am tense, stressed, anxious. I am crawling in my skin. I am frustrated with life right now. I tried to journal but it didn't feel right. I'm to tense to write anything. As much as B tries to understand and no matter how I try to explain what this feeling is he just never gets it. the loneliness and emptiness I feel rocks my core and no matter what he does I have to ride out the storm inside. tonight its been hours. the ache for sharp relief is there.. but.. I have gone so long without it I know I cant.. I have been so strong in the fight. I have had many nights where I cry uncontrollably when the emptiness wins. When I'm alone I can handle it but when It creeps in when I'm with him it is even harder. He has seen it start with a single happy tear and continue for hours with tears full of empty heartache. My emotions control me now more than they ever have before and its so frustrating. even now the tears refuse to stop. the stress slowly draining but the ache and crawling remain. Life right now is full of uncertainty and its not helping my anxiety. I know that I am starting my new job in September but I still haven't had the chance to confirm anything over there. I know that B and I are moving in together but don't know the actual time yet and as it stands I will be starting my new job before we even move which means I have to figure out how to commute to and from while still living with mom and dad. Ugh I don't know what to do with life these days.

My mornings with depression

There are mornings I wake up and all I want to do is cry. Those days I know are gonna be hard. You live life thinking that maybe you are ok, that maybe you beat your depression but then it hits you like a rock before you even get out of bed. Ugh

Feeling off

Feeling a bit off today. I dont know what it is but I have this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear. I feel as tho I  could cry at any moment. I havent had a day like this in months, I  want to crawl in bed and let the world dissappear.