woes

I have been preparing my work for my upcoming surgery and they have been so great about it being flexible with Dr appointments and all that. But in the last two weeks I have been asked multiple times by the same admin if I plan to come back after my medical leave. Not once have I given and sign or statement that I wasnt planning on coming back. Which makes me feel weird almost like that is their nice way of asking me not to come back. But when I tell them I plan to return they get exited about it and say oh good. 

Floater friend syndrome.

Over the last year nor so ivhave come to the realization that i am no ones best friend. im the friend who is ewsily forgot and replaceable. through thr yeqrs i was the floater friend between groups never realizing i was building memories whwre at the time seemed so pure andnfun but niw only seem like the most heartbrewking moments wherenmemories are rewritten with what ended up happening as the narration over it. i make Friendships at work, create work besties. we text, we maybe sometimes hqng out. we make nplans and half the friends fall through or ghost me. if we are even very close until they quit and i never hear from them again. I am forgettable. Wednesday as i was leaving work i was in a good mood with a shadow of depressive possibilities. as i was warming up my car my proclaimed work bestie came out after getting off early. we she talked sbout her hqrd day and about hiw she had a sit diwn with our director about her plan to keave the profession for a careen in the hair industry. she talked about bow she let our boss know it wouldnt be for about 2 yrs as she sets up her clients. At the moment i wasnt upset, it made sense, people burn out and need a change. as soon as i rolled up my window the tears started but slow as i called Brwndon as i always do before coming home. i held it together until i hung up then released the brginning of my meltdown. sobs came in waves as i made my way home. with that convo with Bree, i came to the ralizationthat i know the end date if out friendship give of take. i came to realize that i hsve less than 2 years until i am forgotten again. now im left with that knowledge. she doesnt know i what the conversation we had did to my soul. leaving me with the inner battle of whether to invest in this friendship or if i continue as an acquaintance. do i hsve that convo with her? it took me teo days ti tell brandon about the real reason i was so upset. im stuck in another case of me having a best friend but im not hers.

grief and loss

Today marks two years of the passing of my Dad.

Until Two years ago today I had lived most of my life with depression. Days of sadness and emptiness that would come and go like they always had. Until Two years ago I had known depression like an old friend but I had not know Grief. Grief hit me hard and I did not see it coming. The day I lost my father I learned a whole new level of sadness, emptiness, guilt, loneliness. What I thought were bad depression days were nothing compared to the grief Days. The uncontrollable sobbing due to a loss I knew would come but never saw coming. Two years ago I talked with him on the phone in the morning and sat by his side as he faded away that night. 

"I don't care"

"I don't care"

Triggering words said to me in an emotional moment after a rough day..after an emotional day.  My emotions becoming tears that are the drip drip dripping to a cup that is filled to the brim. Moments away from breaching the threshold. 

In the back of my mind the demon screams we need physical pain to tame us. My skin still aches in these moments.. years later... I won't do it.. I can't do it.. I want to do it.. 

Changes in my life are in the possible near future.  And my mind reminds me that it could all just not happen, then what?  The anxiety of it all eats at my soul. The anger and rage built inside is a different level of evil eating away at my soul. The constant "why would anything good happen to you?" The "if you do this someone or something will prove you a fraud" a fraud of what I have no actual idea. 

I'm not myself

I'm not my self today. Something is off and I'm not quite sure what. I feel like I am not in there, like I left the shadow of myself to linger until I return. This whole quarentine covid 19 thing is taking its toll on my soul and on my body. Any glimmer of hope or dim light at the end of the long tunnel just seams to get getting further and further awat and I'm not sure I can keep up at this point. B thinks I'm stronger than I am and it's hard seeing him see me struggle and not meet the standards I have set myself. I want to go back to work. I want to go back to normal. I want to be able to buy a house and not panic about not being able to afford it. It's been almost 8 months without a real place to live and call our own. 8 months too long.

my soul

Today my soul feels so empty I could vomit and cry. Been on the edge of tears all day

Easter Sunday

Today has been a teary. First he blamed me for being mean to him and poking him in the eye which I know I didn't do especially not on purpose. I had just woken up.  Then he continues to talk about it still blaming me for hurting him. Which I still claim I didn't do and left the room because being home everyday is reaking havoc on my body and my anxiety. So I went into the living room, came back for my book to find him on his phone in the dark. I asked why he was in the dark and he just started telling about how much I have pissed him off today (it's not even 11am). At that moment I just gave up. Not wanting to cry in front of him, voice quivering I said I love you and closed the door behind me. 

my depression and anxiety

What does my anxiety and depression f

eel like??? Tightness in chest, Paranoia, constant crying knowing I could stay in bed and sleep all day but knowing better that if I don't go to work some idiot will teach my class So i cry all the way to work. It's waking up and completely hyperventilating while sobbing uncontrollably. It's constantly needing a hug but said hug brings the tears. Ita a fit of rage that ripples to multiple unsuspecting people, who happen to be in my wake. It's being numb and not caring enough to brush my hair for days on end and then ripping the knots out instead of brushing it out. It's playing videogames instead of doing homework. 

Day of tears

I cried today. ALOT. Stress from school paired with my anxiety and life crap have been weighing me down. I cried in the car on the way to work and through my entire call with my teacher and a little I front of the kids at work too. And then on my break and again on my lunch then again on my way home. I was asked multiple times today if I was "ok". And I couldn't say yes. My answer was "no not really but I'm here" my eyes were brimmed with tears all day. 

one of those days

Today has been one of those days. A day where from the beginning I felt off. I woke from a nightmare that I could only remember flashes of but woke with a headache. We ran errands and I told him I needed food so I told him I wanted McDonald's. So we went to McDonald's I gave my order and even repeated it for the guy. We got in the car and we're on the highway when we looked in the bag and some of my food was missing. I lost it.. I started bawling. I was so angry. B gave me some of his food which was what I was missing and said he loved me. He then watched me with a smile while I cried while I ate knowing I needed to eat. The amount of rage that filled me he knew leaving me along was his best move but made sure I knew he loved me and was there for me. I cried three other times today over other small things. I stopped getting my period not long after getting my IUD but noticed I still get my emotional surges each month. B does his best to tolerate me during those times. He has also notice that since this birth control my emotions have had extreme highs and lows. I have been trying to keep my emotions in check but they are stronger than ever. I even cried at work this week. 

Recent Lows

You would think that after six and a half years he would learn that tickling and making me laugh do not take the depression away. It doesn't fix me.

My baby almost dies

Today she made a strange noise, got quiet and stopped moving then went red. Of course I just thought she had died so I pick her up and see if I notice anything strange. I don't see anything so I place her on her dock thinking she needs to rest. After 30 min I come back but she is still red. Worried I picked her up and emptied her and her filter with no luck. So I rummage through the bookshelves for the manual and find the troubleshoot page. Found even more filters, took those apart and found something shiny. Foil and a candy wrapper blocking a pipe. I can't reach in it so I search for long tweezers or pliers. I finally find a pair of gardening tweezers that barely made it through the tube. Removed the blockage put back all her pieces and placed her on her dock to rest. She changed from red to blue immediately and I left her to do her thing. So after charging for a bit she got back to work. So glad I could help her.

Feeling very anxious

Today is an off day. Anxiety is thrumming through my body and I am actively focusing on not crying. I'm not really sure what sparked it either, it's been a really good day. Nothing anxiety or depression worthy. Just out of the blue sadness and overwhelming emotions. Ugh.

Crippling Anxiety

I woke up today with nausea and within minutes I began crying. No real reason. I couldn't face the day. It was impossible to get out of bed. Then I started thinking about work knowing we are short handed and the anxiety of knowing I would most likely be alone or working with some random sub and that made the anxiety overwhelm me. I finally stopped crying, got up, got partially dressed and started sobbing again. I couldn't do it so I called in to work. I couldn't control myself. I told them my situation and they understood what was going on and just asked me to call in around noon and hopefully come in around 1 to help close. The sobbing continued for a good 30 more minutes. And I am finally calmed down. I do have a major headache now. I may take a nap.

They cut my hours

So my paycheck will be less than 75 hours this week and although I am the only one in the building who hasn't reached over time by alot I was forced to leave work a half hour early today. I came home crying because I know I will barely be able to make rent because of it. if they try to send me home early tomorrow or even the rest of the week my boss and I will be having words. So I will definitely be crying at work tomorrow. Not looking forward to that.

Work rant

This week at work has been a rough one. Dealing with children is my forte, the grown ups are the ones I have a problem with. Especially families who think I can only watch their kid and not the other 16  kids in the class. Yes they have never had a 4yr old before but after numerous conferences and conversations talking about the same crap over and over again I finally snapped and went off on a parent. What he called "an incident" we call everyday life of a 4yr old. Children who play will get scrapes and bruises. Helicopter parents are the bane of my existence. Luckily I went to my boss before the parent came in to talk to her but now here comes another damn conference...ugh.. at least my boss will be there.

Children yes/no

So our entire relationship we have agreed NO CHILDREN I firmly still believe it, but lately he has been bringing up the idea of kids . In his mind me saying no kids meant no kids while I work in childcare. At his parents house they have a walk of pictures of the three kids and under both his sisters they have pictures of their kids. There is nothing around his and I made comment that his will be left blank and he gave me an odd look and said that it's no babies for right now... He is convinced I will change my mind. He doesn't get it. I don't want to have babies. I never want to be pregnant. I know I won't like being a mom. I don't believe people can be happy being a parent.

F my life right now

so I have been super frustrated lately with work and my home like. work has been a bitch, it's been crazy busy because they over filled my classroom and keep taking out my partner and giving me random people. I hate it. and we'll life in general hasn't been terrible it's just that B doesn't do much around the house. I do the dishes. I do the cleaning. I take out the garbage and do the laundry. It's basically like he doesn't even see the mess in front of him and get defensive when I ask him to clean up after himself. We went a got a new vacuum recently because his broke somehow and I have only been able to clean using the hose. Well we got a robot vacuum and while I can't seem to connect it to my phone I let it run today and it worked great! This may be the best thing yet lol one less chore for me to do.

The Happiest Place on Earth

About two weeks ago B and I went on my first real vacation. My first flight ever. It was fun and exciting to see the land from so high up. We went to Disneyland for five days. It started out stressful but turned out perfect. We saw all of our favorite characters and rode all the rides we could. We ate the Disney food and even got sick from a few rides. We took all the pictures, ended up with over 400. On the 27th we waited in line for almost an hour to see Chinese New Year Minnie and Mickey. When we finally get to see them we took pictures when B asked for one more. I turned to see him down on one knee. I honestly didn't see it coming. It was so sweet. The ring is 3 gems in the shape of a Mickey mouse head. It's beautiful and a starter ring and I love it. The best part is we got pictures of the whole thing.

While I am so excited that it has happened I still feel more or less empty inside. I'm happy but so sad I cry almost every day. I don't understand my own emotions. My mood swings have been erratic and B has been so patient with me. People are expecting me to know exactly what I want my wedding to be like when really I thought I had ideas but now I'm questioning all of those ideas. I know I would like it in front of a barn but not sure if it's what I want too. We haven't even set a date. We just said it would be a year or two out.

Life with B

Well I started living with B and the roommates the last week of August. I had just finished my week of training and my new job needed me immediately. We worked out the bus system and figured it took two buses each morning to get me to work with B picking me up at night. One night he noticed an apartment complex near my work and we applied that night. By that Monday we had heard back B went and saw the place and we were able to move in that Sunday. We moved it Sept 10th. That was the perfect weekend since the roommates were out of town. Amber came over and helped us pack Saturday stayed through Sunday and helped us move in. It was actually nice. Our place is small but adorable. It's a one bedroom with a walk in closet, laundry room, walk in pantry and a nice sizes kitchen and living room. while we aren't entirely in packed yet two weeks later it has been fun finding out what we don't have and what we forgot to pack from our old places. Like most of his dishes and servingware. We have made plenty of trips to target and will hopeful!y get the rest of our needs this weekend because yay payday. The best part is its a ten minute walk to work for me. Anne a ten minute drive for him. This weekend we are finally getting our couch. We still don't have Wi-Fi or cable so we have been watching stuff on our phones lol it's terrible. I must admit actually living together as a couple is interesting. right now we are both so tired after work we have dinner, watch a few episodes if that then are usually asleep by 930pm. I have been so tired I have been sleeping through his 4am alarms. At some point hopefully we will get used to our schedules and be able to function more easily. I just hope we can get rid of the boxes sooner rather than later.