Ranting

So today was hell. Eli had her pre op appointment this morning, and he mother was supposed to be there. An hour before the appointment she called and asked if we could bring her because she asked her sister and she apparently refused totake her. But me and my sister refuse to be around her. So of course she got pissed at us and started screaming and swareing at my mother and threatening to call the hospital and lock us out of the appointment and to take Eli back. We were listeing to what was being screamed through the phone and were like Hey bitch, you can't take her. If you even show up and atempt to take her we can call the cops." Because our contract with her is that if she even attempts to contact or remove eli from us, we call the cops. So when we got to the hospital we told them the situation and had security come with us just incase. I left after 20b minutes so mom could stay and be around amber. And when I came after the appointment, I was talking to my mom and apparently amber showed her fake happy and ignored everything that had happened earlier in the morning. but yeah. She is psycho, to think that she would do something like this a week before the trial to see if she has changed enough to get her kids back.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Went and saw HP6 last night, it was amazing! I felt so bad for draco! And made me love him even more! Can't wait for the next 2 movies!

It has been 58 days since I last cut. Yay me!

Emergency room visits

We have my x-best friends 2 yr old living with us for the last month. And in this last month we have gone to the emergency room 9 times. She has what is called rectal prolapse where her rectum comes oyut after a bowel movement. It doesn't happen every time thank god, but it has been happening a lot more. We have gone to the valley emergency room 3 times and childrens 6 times. Tonight is trip number ten and we r going all the way back to childrens. Childrens is an hour away, and doing that more than twice a week is killing our gas tank and our wallets.She is usually the happiest kid and is always giggling. But when her issues flaire she is lethargic and miserable, its heart breaking. The doctors just want us to wait it out to see if she will grow out of the problem but we have no idea when that will be so they are talking about surgery, but are pretty much refusing to do it. And that pisses us off. We are sick of having this miserable child.

My Brother

I love my brother. he is amazing.we found out this week that he and his wife are having a baby girl. the name the have chosen is Clementine Agnes. i love it! that name is fun! the rest of my family thinks it kinda weird and old lady-ish, but i think its perfect. SO anyway. he sent me a text today that really touched me. he said " Did you make it to the specialist yet? If its a $ issue, let me know and ill give you some cash. you're gonna be an aunty so take care of yourself" i just thought it was super cute and thoughtful. i talked to him for a bit afterward, and then one of his friends later and she was talking about how he was telling her how worried he was about me and my heart problems and not to mention my depression.
growing up my brother was hardly ever around. he is ten yrs older than me and was out of the house before i was a teenager. he was always the kind loving brother that would pick us up from school if we were sick, but wasn't really the kind of brother that would just come hang out. he still isn't, but he is getting better at it. once he got married our relationship got better. tho i must say i hang out with his wife more than i do him. they are perfect for each other. they bicker a lot kinda like our parents and grandparents but they totally love each other, and i totally love him. i couldnt ask for a better brother.

I find it strange that when a person walks out of your life, you spend years wondering what it would be like to have them with you again. But then once they come back into your life everything changes. You panic that they won't call then they say they will, and when they do call you panic because your worried they will make plans and if they do make plans, they will be too intense or too unexpected. He is in town for 2 weeks and wants to see me, I want to see him.. I do.. Its just he has been out of my life for so long I don't know what to expect. God! I hate relationships! And the lack there of! Ugh!

I miss being able to talk to someone. So much I want to cry. First I talked to brandon, then chris, then chris, then steve. Now I have no one. I feel I will be alone forever and I will be trapt in my head for all eternity. I lost my best firend 2 weeks ago, and my true best friend is moving to the other side of the continent in 5 days. I'm alone in my life right now. I want to cry all the time. My heart is broken not from love but the lack of even friendship. I try to tell my mother things but it never comes out right and she always ends up judging me

I fell like crying today. My family is always forgetting about me.

So I'm going to see my cardiologist tomorrow, things have been calming down but still acting weird if you know what I mean. But anyway, I will update after I see the doctor. Hope everyone had a good weekend!

I am crawling in my skin today, everything makes me want to scream and tear my skin open

Postsecret

So before I made my appointment with my cardiologist, I had been having a few chest pains and wasn't really complaining about it because that's what I do, I conceal my pain, I have for years. But over the last few weeks the pains have been getting worse. But also so has our money issue. Its getting to the point right now where we are skipping payments to buy food and gas. And I was talking to my mom about how I can't get called off work this week or I can't pay for the phone bill, or the car payment or the doctors appointment. She could tell this was and is bothering me to the point of tears because only my dad and I have jobs right now and my sister covers for me when I am at my second job. So tonight even tho my mom has been noticing the pains I get, I told her that I would have to cancel my appointment because we can't afford it right now. Of course I said most of this crying. Its just way stressful. And the only thing she said to me was that she would pay half of my doctors fee. I didn't know what to say, id rather her pay a bill than help pay for me.

I can't stop thinking about cutting myself up. Visual bruises can be covered with make up. But down to the core, its all bruises.~ Bruises, Majanda Delfino

Ugh mother

The word cut isn't used in our house. Atleast not sense my mother has been paranoid about me like the other day my sister and I were in the bathroom and I was cutting her hair. When my mom knocked on the door I told her we were cutting but before I could say the hair part she freaked out and said there shouldn't be any cutting in our house. Whatever she's a freak. I haven't cut in a few weeks, she aggravates me

Il Divo concert

Went to the Il Divo concert tonight. It was AMAZING! Lol I swear my sister and I were the youngest people in the audience. But seriously it had to be one of the best concerts I have been to

Just because my mother knows I have scars and cuts on my legs doesn't mean I want her to see them. Tonight she just burst into my room after knocking once. Luckily I had time to grab a pillow and cover them. Got she is getting paranoid. She is on constant watch of if I have any new cuts

So I got an appointment with my cardiologist finally, but the appointment isn't until the 22nd of June. I'm just to keep track of what happens, what causes and the intensity of the pain or strange feeling. Ugh. Sofar its happened every day

So today was my sisters birthday and we went to my best friends house to watch a movie. My best friend was a total bitch. I didn't even want to go to her house. I seriously hate her every second I am with her

My Heart sucks

My heart has been acting weird today. Not even emotionally. Literally. I know I have mentioned it befor but for those who don't know, I have a heart problem, and I am used to the every once and a while palipetations(sp?) But I have had the weird flutter and pounding almost all day and it has been making me light headed and tired. Its weird. Now I'm gonna have to make another doctors appointment. Ugh!

I carved a star into my inner right thigh tonight. Wasn't the smartest place to cut, but oh well

When it comes down to it, scratching does nothing for me. I have to use something awesome enough to draw blood

Had a bad day yesterday. i almost cut again. i to to the point of getting the blade but stopped because just holding the razor seemed to make me feel better

I still can't quite convince myself that anyone has ever loved me enough to be sorry when I was gone

My scars are my favorite tattoos

Sometimes my best friend is too much of a whore to hang out with. She never changed her life when she changed religions and it pisses me off

I like this, it says so much

I found this quote online the other day, I like it. We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them.  We say we love trees, yet we cut them down.  And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.  ~Author Unknown

Thinkin

I did a lot of thinking today. If I do things I did or was willing to do when I was younger I may in fact kill myself this time. If I let the depression get to my like it has eaten away at my soul for the past few years. I say I'm willing to do things again or even take it farther. But honestly, if I do I know I may end up hating myself again. Yes I have needs and pleasures but when it comes down to it, I panic. I have the fear I won't be able to stop. Stop myself, or stop the guy. That terrifies me. It almost pulls me into full-on panic mode. Even now, just thinking about it makes me slightly hyperventalate.

I wore short sleeves today and my sister stared at my arms and said "well I can tell your right handed".

feelings

I still have pretty mixed feelings about last night. things and emotions are just flowing through me. Because even if i do like Steve, the feelings i have for Chris are much stronger and more vast. Seeing him last night... seeing him anytime makes me remember everything i like about him. even if he is a total ass at times. Some days i hate myself for liking/loving him. knowing he doesn't feel the same way, what if i had asked Chris out instead of Steve? i enjoy Steve's company, but honestly i think i would have felt, not only safer, but i think i would have enjoyed myself more. i just wish i was the person who would ask how chis felt about me going on a date with Steve, Even more i wish Chris was the kind of person who would tell me how he felt if i did ask

Update

So tonight was my date. It was a good time. We went and saw Wolverine: origins, which I must say was awesome! When that was over we went out into the crowd and somehow found chris and his pose. Which was kinda awkward because chris didn't acknowledge me until they were leaving. She was getting hungry, so we decided to go to dinner. We went to some chinese restaurant down the street. The restaurant was nice, we were 2 of the only 3 customers. From there we returned to the theater and saw Star Trek. That movie was amazing! About 3/4 the way through the movie he put his are around me, so not wanting anything to be awkward I leaned into him. He caressed my inner arm just touching my breast. His other hand was tangled in mine, mainly so I could keep track of it. When the movie ended around 1:45am we walked back to the car and he asked what I wanted to do next. I told him home, cause I was tired. And I was tired, but I also didn't want anything to happen. In the car he caressed my leg and held my hand. I was super tired, so I didn't mind that he did that. But then a little bit later he asked me if I was nervous about something happening. I told him no, but in my head I was saying other things. We pulled into my driveway and he handed me my leftover chinese food. I said thanks and again not wanting to make it awkward I leaned in and pecked him on the lips. Not making out. As I walked up the drive, he sped away. About 5 minutes after I got home he sent me a text saying he had fun tonight. Huh. Did I? I'm not really even sure what I thought about tonights actions

So tomorrow I have a date with the guy who pretty much molested me when I was 16. The thing is, I have always been friends with him and got along with him. I just am curious as to what will go on. Ugh. I will post after it.

I don't hate him for having a girlfriend, I hate myself for never having a chance with him. I can't help but think of the many chances to make my move but was too effing worried about messing up our friendship to do anything. Dammit!

Some times I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have any scars inside or out

So last night I went on a walk with Chris and Steve, and today I talked with amber about it. Here's the convo.
A: So how was the walk?
S: awesome!
A: Cool. Late night what did you guys go do?
S: we went to the lake for a few hours, the around midnight we went back to his house and had strawberry shortcake. I also got to see arrogant drunk Chris
A: So is he an ass to u when he is drunk?
S: not to me, just everyone else
A: Oh nice...wo how do u feel about him now?
S: well at the end of the night when we got to my house he apologized for being such an ass to me so I guess he is on my like list again, but not the love list.
A: Let's just hope that he continues to realize his ways...
S: seriously! I told him he had been being a total ass and it hurt
A: Good. I had to have a talk like that with Rafael too and he did the same thing and apologized for treating me like his personal punching bag and so I will give him another chance to see if he can treat me good because he says he likes me and still wants to date me and we all know I still care so I will give him 1 more chance so hopefully these boys will start realizing what they have before us girls get fed up and leave them behind and move on for good.
S: Lame!
A: Whats lame?
S: that you are giving him another chance! I thought you were over him
A: Maybe not but I do still love him and with things being cleaner by me living on my own again he can't pin anything on my drama so we will see if he and I still can get along and if so maybe consider dating someday but I don't know where it will go. He says I am what he wants...so time will tell if he is full of it or not
S: ugh whatever
A: So u don't think it will work out...did he say something or just your gut
S: just my gut, but over the past few months he has been saying stuff that seems like he doesn't want you
A: Oh like what
S: he has just been staying that has has just been wanting you to get over him not that he likes you.
A: Well I don't know. I mean I do not see that side of him he tells u stuff he doesn't tell me but then says things to me that make it seem like he still cares so now I'm really confused
S:what ever happened to you saying I'm over him, he doesn't want what I want so I don't want him.
A: I don't know
A: Well look at Chris, is he really what you want? He drinks and is a jerk to you sometimes but you still like him. Its the same with Rafael I really care about him and thought that he still cared for me....but you make me think that he really doesn't
S: Chris is what I want, he knows it, I just know that he doesn't want me, and I'm ok with being just friends
A: So he told u he is not interested?
A: And I want Rafael I just want the Rafael from when I lived in Issaquah and think that if I am on my own again it will help
S: no he never talks about it.
A: So maybe u r what he wants...
S: I doubt it
A: Why don't you think so?
S: he never seems like it, sure he is always checking to make sure I'm safe or warm, but he never seems like he likes me that way
A: I think he likes u but is just kinda weird about it... but I have never hung out with the 2 of you
S:I don't know, he's difficult to read
A: Well u might just have to flat out ask him S: I can yell at him all I want but I can't ask him that
A: Oh does he just ignore the question like u never said it
S: No, I just haven't ever asked him, its like I'm not capable to ask it
A: Yea I know that feeling but might make things easier
S: I don't know, its just weird for me
A: Yea me too it is hard but u might need to test the waters
S: Yeah. I have asked Steve if he knew anything, but he said he can't even get Chris to answer it
A: Oh yikes
S: Yeah its hard
A: Has he actually dated someone officially?
S: He dated Kay for like 3 years
A: Oh how long ago did they break up
S: Its been like a year or a maybe a little longer

Ugh chris

He had my heart in his hands and all he did was drop it and walk away. Leaving it there wishing it were dead, he didn't even crush it to leave me a reason for the pain I feel

My heart

My heart has so many empty spaces I can't bring myself to empty it even more. The more I'm around those people, the more I remember why I love having them in my life, no matter how much pain they cause me.

Dreams

Dreams are the doorway to living out things that might never happen in real life. They are the canvas for the imagination

I cut today, only four cuts, but it helped, not a lot just enough. I lasted almost 2 months without cutting, oh well

Post its

I have this thing with post its lately, they are all over my room

Some night i just want to cry. I look at my friends lives and just wonder how they get the lives they live. its almost the reason I think that I push myself away from them. Im a cold hearted bitch with cold water running through my veins, or so someone once said. I dont really want to be this way, but its what life has done to me. I push away happiness, I have for years. Its my glitch. There are a few guys I would love to love, or even like enough to get me some what close to happy, but for some reason I cant do it.

my body

My family knows what I can do to my body, they just dont know the extent of what I have done to my body.

My scars

When I die they can ID my body from my scars

I see my scars as beautiful, not as a punishment of what I have done.

I cut to feel anything

Its cold tonight. Its one of those nights where nothing seems to keep me warm. Today was another day where I begin to sabotage my happiness because of my inability to accept that someone could love me. There's a guy who everytime I talk to him, pretty much declares his love for me, but I can accept him because he used to go out with my best friend, and because due to my morals he doesn't fit my guidelines. But what if me not giving him a chance leads to me losing a chance at love? And what about steve? Do I give him a chance even tho deep down the past will always be there eating at me, not to mention he is my friends brother.why is it all the men in my life have to be difficult?

To you who points the finger

Ok so for those people who NEVER read comments, you would/should know that I never claimed that I wrote the previous post, I mentioned that I saw it as a poem and added a line or two. I didn't get it from your page I got it from a friends page. So if your gona blame some one don't fucking blame me. I never claimed to have written it. Sorry if I did hurt anyone, it was never intended to. That means you camille.

Things I hate about you

I Hate the way I could never hate you.
I hate the way you looked at me.
I hate the way I fell for you.
I hate the way your hand felt in mine.
I hate the way you made me feel.
I hate the way you touched me.
I hate the way we talked.
I hate the nights I cried.
I hate the way you lied to me.
I hate the times we fought.
I hate the way we always made up.
I hate the way I was never good enough.
I hate the way it was always her.
I hate the way I was never yours.
I hate the times we were together.
I hate the times we werent.
I hate the way you made me laugh.
I hate the way your lips felt on mine.
I hate the way you said you loved her.
I hate the way you said you loved me.
I hate everything about you...
But most of all, I hate that I still love you.
But I know that I dont want you any more

Random days

So the other night he IMed me randomly at 330am and strangely I was up. But anyway, he just put it out there that he wished he had someone he could wander off and make out with. It was very random, sure he was totally drunk at the time, but still, it confused me. I didn't bring it up to him the next day because he hardly ever remembers his drunken tyraides. But still, it means something doesn't it? Huh. Who knows

So its said that if you can't tell the truth to the people you care about the most, eventually you stop being able to tell the truth to yourself. I guess that's one of my main issues. Its not that I mean to lie about how I feel, its just that I still haven't been able to put it into a verbal account. Journals and blogs, that's my outlet, and I can't bring myself to even letting my family and friends read them. So for now, my thoughts go out to you. Thanks for listening. ~Sam

Although I feel for her, I can't let myself become her

twilight

ok so i know its totally spastic, but i am super excited about the Twilight Dvd coming out this weekend!

Oh well

So I haven't written in a while. I ended up cutting last Wednesday, on my calf. It isn't as bad as many of my other wounds, but its still cuts. I cut three times, and let the blood dry on my skin, it felt interesting. I also switched out my box cutter in my purse with a plain razor blade I keep in a small pocket. I also keep razors hidden around the house and in my room, I don't always use them, but they are there if I need them, kinda a form of comfort.

Mar. 3rd 09 convo between amber and chris

Amber: Dude this is amber I'm with sam why are you such an ass to her she just wants to hang out with her why does it always have to be a PENIS night why can't you for once grow a pair of balls and be a nice guy and just hang out with the girl you like and that likes you why is that so hard

Chris: I am not that kind of a guy.

Amber: OBVIOUSLY so then don't tell sam you will hang out and make plans just to leave her hanging and hoping for something that will never happen let her be happy and if you can't be a friend then tell her that and let her move on cause I know she likes you and what you are doing this game is bs

Chris: Firstly i never said i would do anything. Period.

Amber: You asked her what she was doing today to ANY girl that makes it seems as though you want to hang out. You clearly don't like samantha as a friend

Chris: No i wanted to know. Has nothing to do with what i could do

Amber: So why do you say that you will go on walks and go hang out at your house and then ! when she takes you up on the offer you suddenly would rather hang out with the boys?

Amber: No payson told her to go over one time sorry I left that out but you do say you will go on walks and then never follow through you are such a lame dude I mean you are either interested in being her friend or your not seriously don't you care if you she is happy let her be happy shes a great person but you can't see that because you never give her the time of day

Chris: I do she just makes up extra shit i never said

Amber: What do you mean? what does she "make up"

Chris: Wtf! I have no idea

Amber: Well you can't say she says things you never said that implies that she is putting words in your mouth but REGARDLESS do you want her as a friend in your life?

Chris: I want her as a friend but she always says i did commit but i never did

Amber: She just wants some time with you is it so hard for you to just give her time once a week or every other week she just wants you to treat her the same way as you treat your guy friends

Chris: Wow

Amber: Wow what?

Chris: Not getting a god damn thing im saying

Amber: I get it she says things that you dont think you said but do you ever really hang out with her

Sick

This week I had a sick week. Last tuesday I was beginning to get body aches and a fever of 101.1 and throughout the week my fever peaked at 104.1. I went 4 days without eating and only got up to get water and to pee. I'm still kinda sick, but hey its better than before, and I don't have a fever anymore.

Adele says things my heart cant

So I got the Adele cd this week, and wow her music explains my love live so well. So here are the lyrics to her song Tired

Hold my hand While you cut me down It had only just begun But now it's over now And your In the heat of moments With your heart Playing up cold I'm between the middle Watching hastiness unfold In my eyes Your were smiling In the spotlight dancing With the night The night fell Off your mind I'm tired of trying Your teasing ain't enough Fed up of biding your time When i don't get nothing back And for and for and for When i don't get nothing back Boy, I'm tired Where'd you go When you stay behind I looked up and inside down And outside only to find A double taking punching hard And laughing at my smile I get closer you Obviously prefer her Chorus: I'm tired of trying Your teasing ain't enough Fed up of biding your time When i don't get nothing back And for and for and for When i don't get nothing back Boy, I'm tired of trying Your teasing ain't enough Fed up of biding your time When i don't get nothing back And for and for and for When i don't get nothing back Boy, i'm tired (I should have known) Never mind said Your open arms I couldn't help Believe the trick me Back into them (Chorus)

Its late

Its late. I'm not tired, and all I really want to do is cry. For no reason either. I randomly have the un-wielding urge to ball my eyes out. I talked to Chris today and he pissed me off. We faught the dumbest stuff too. He has told me that he has thursday and friday off so we should go walking one of those days. But today when I asked him which day he told me he didn't think he knew when we could because his friends made plans for him. And that if he got back early enough from what he will be doing he might want to walk. So as it stands, as much as it pains me to know it, we probably won't go on our walk he has promised me. just like always he chooses his friends over me. I don't understand him, he says he wants to spend time with me but never follows through, and the day I flake he is a total jerk. I hate how much I like him.

I EFFED UP

So I'm pretty sure I just screwed my chances with Chris. Today was a frustrating milestone. I don't remember how it came up, but Chris asked me what draws people to him. I told him it was because he has the ability to make people love him. So of course he asked how he did that because he thought he sucked. So I told him its a love/hate thing. That of course made him ask what the love thing was, so I told him it was his hands, height, hair, the fact that he was very random, his eyes, he's a guys, he makes me feel special, and the way it feels when he holds my hand. He then asked if I wanted to go for a walk tonight. I asked how cold it was outside because I was cold enough. He didn't quite know but was willing to bring sub zero gear if I needed it. I still said no. So he said something that got me thinking. He said "to be fair id make you warm. But if that's not good enough what should I do?" so I said something about being cold already and not feeling up to it. He said "your problem is your cold? Ill make anything the way you want it trust me" I told him it was honestly very tempting but I was just gonna stay in and watch a movie. He told me he just got the movie Taken and I could come watch it. I told him I couldn't cause I have to get up early and asked what he was up to tomorrow night after 10 30. He said "hopefully I will be around :(. I have plans with my ex after work... unless I get better plans." I told him I worked from 3 45 to10. I would love to make plans if I could but I'm gonna be working. He ignored me after that. I told amber what I said and did. God I'm an idiot. I just know I messed thing up.

Random convo with my sister

	VID00029.mpeg

Health update

So Sunday I woke up perfectly fine, but at the end of the day I had noticed that my back had begun to hurt in the area of my kidneys but just thought nothing of it. Monday it still hurt but it was bearable to an extent. But Tuesday it seemed like things got worse. The pain was getting worse and it hurt to sit, breath, or pretty much move. Wednesday and Thursday were the same if not worse, and my mom started to pay attention to my pains. I have a very high pain tolerance, and I never complain when I am hurt. I never have. But these last few days I have been, and that's what worries my mother. So today at 1030am we headed to the doctor. And first off I couldn't see my regular doctor, instead I saw a man. He had me walk on my heels and on my toes, and then bend over and tell him when it hurt. He then pressed my back and told me to say when or if it hurt. They had me pee in a cup but other than my white cells being up a little, everything was fine. He told me I "must" have pulled a muscle and its just getting worse. He then just told me to take tylonol or aleve to take care of the pain. Then sent me home.

I was mean

So today while babysitting I was just plain mean. I don't know why tho. All they wanted to do was sit with me or play with me and everything they did bothered me to the point of where it hurt me. So I pushed them away or moved away, I even yelled. its a possibility that I will cut today

Its been a while

So I haven't cut in over a week. Yay me! I have been feeling very numb lately. And its been like my body hates me. I have been having joint aches, back aches, stomach aches, and head aches. Its like I can never be comfortable, not even in my own body.

+ 27 = 517

I needed to talk today and steve didn't want to hear a thing. He was "too tired". I just needed to talk, about anything really, but he said no and hung up. I cried again, and the went for a razor. I cut 27 times. Sinse augest of 07, I have cut my body 517 times. God how sick is that. Steve text me last night and told me he cut himself, for the first time. And when he told me my heart sank, I didn't want him to slip into the same trap I had fallen into so many years ago. It hurt.

Death becomes her

So last night I met up with friends and even though he promised, chris didn't show again. It wasn't until a few hours later did he contact me. He said he fell asleep and had just woken up. I yelled at him asking when we could hang out and have him not flake. He made plans for tonight, specific plans. And yet here it is an hour after said time and nothing. God why do I do this. I actually cried. When not wanting to feel, I popped a few codine and grabbed me razor. I died a little tonight.

Conversations with men

So I talked with steve today. He was telling me about he a few years ago he had a thing for me. So I asked when and he told me 5 yrs. That was around the time I stayed at his house that night. And wow that explains a lot. So then we got to talking about our love lives and how lame they are. And even though he knows how much I like his best friend, he still hints to us getting together sometime. So now I'm sitting here questioning do I wait for my chance with chris or do I fulfill pleasure with steve?

Bloodletting

So I just finished the book BloodLetting: a memoir of secrets, self-harm and survival by Victoria Leatham. It was amazing. She found words I couldn't and it actually helped me realize a few emotions and feeling that I normally can't express. You should read it.

is it bad?

OK so i have been thinking a lot, and i honestly don't know how bad the bad is about my cutting. i mean, just a small run across the skin doesn't count for me, it has to be deep and bleed a good amount before i can move on to the next. am i the only one who does that? or do most people just have one quick shallow cut and make that count? if I'm gonna cut it has to count and that's why my scars are so big, i cut sometimes so deep it doesn't even really bleed. i know that's bad, but i cant help it, if "fixes" me in a way.strange and dangerous.. i know.
Also, over the years i have considered myself pretty good at hiding the fact that i am a cutter, and i got the courage to talk to one of my friends about it the other night and he told me that most of my friends have known for years but haven't ever really spoken about it. Why not? hasn't anyone seen how much pain i have been in? haven't they ever wondered if i needed to talk? why wouldn't anyone push my buttons and get me to talk? i mean seriously, i know i could have started it, but they could have at least showed concern. I'm not saying it would have changed anything, but what if it had. would i be better?

My survival box

I do have one. Its pretty full. I dont have one to protect me from the government, its one to help me survive. It has saline, gauze, tape, lemon juice, knives, razors, a box cutter, hair spray and a dentist pick.

Happy New Year!

I spent it with my friends. Just hope next year is better

Walking on the lake

Tonight I went on a walk with chris and steve. They decided to walk across the frozen lake while I played the girl yelling at them not to do it. A couple times steve was telling me to just kiss chris, but I couldn't do it. I need to know if he likes me back befor I can make a move.

Resent cutting. Bored again

Resent Cutting. Bored

Again

I cut again today. Mainly because I got a new towel to keep the blood in. I don't plan on washing it. At least not for a while. I love watching the blood bubble and spill over the freshly opened wound. Watching the blood calms me, in a way it helps me. I love how as soon as the blood surfaces I can smell it and weirdly it doesn't bother me. Is that weird? Oh well if it is I don't care. It doesn't hurt today. Normally I feel some for of pain and the relief, but today all it is is relief. Its interesting how a body can handle different levels of pain, interesting enough to where I like to test it daily.

Well christmas was ok. I cut a little last night but nothing really bad. My brother and his wife came over for the whole gift thing so that was nice.

Merry Christmas

To all those bloggers out there, even though Christmas has pretty much become a holiday about forcing holiday cheer on people and mainly brings depression. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas you guys

Cabin Fever of the body

Ew, I started feeling weird around 9:30. I don't really know what was wrong, but I had a few moments where I felt like I was gonna puke. Plus I am all of a sudden really tired. I don't know what I am thinking, I'm all scattered today. There are so many thoughts I cant even decipher one to talk about it.I don't know whether to tell the doctors about it or not. I mean, is this a symptom of me being crazy?? Or is it a side effect? Is it normal? What I don't understand is how people are put in mental hospitals, and how is it that people can be out for weeks and then go right back in? Do you have to be a certain level of crazy to get in? Its not that I want to be in one, but at times I think I should be in one. With the voices and the seeing things, I don't know what to think.Is it possible to get Cabin Fever in your own body? Cause when my bones itch and ache, that's what it feels like. Its like I'm trapt. Trapt in my skin, and I cant get out. Those are the days I need to cut, I know I need to right now but I wont. Okay, I might. Its undecided, well its decided but not. I don't know, I have mixed feelings. I guess throughout the day I have been feeling a little better but still crawl in my skin. Dad is coming home early today so we can finish our Christmas shopping. So that helps relieve pressure a bit.I talked with Chris today. He still hasn't said much about anything. Still hasn't opened up to me about anything about hanging out. He is so frustrating sometimes the way he makes promises and doesn't keep them. Hes just like every other guy I have liked. God how depressing is that. When will I find someone who follows through with a promise? The other day I was sitting at my desk at work and I swear I saw someone. It wasn't really a person, it was just a black figure that was in the shape of a person. Its certainly not the first time this has happened, I see bugs... mainly spiders, all the time. If that's not crazy I don't know what is. Yeah its not the kind of hallucinogen like having the spiders or bugs on you, its more like they are around me. Its not so bad I guess, yeah it scares me sometimes but its not like I know if other people see those things too. Maybe some normal people do, maybe not.

Blood art from the other day

Troubles with chris

Chris didn't show up again tonight after what I thought to be extensive plans to go for a walk. But after 4 hours of waiting and only one text from him saying "soon", he never came. So around 1am I finally got sick of waiting and had to let him know. So this is what I sent to him. "Ok so I love having you as a friend, but honestly I am sick of being the one who makes the plans only for you to not follow through. So I guess I will wait for the day you honestly want to hang out with me. So until then, talk to you later."Now I have to wait to see if he even responds. God I don't know why or how I have put up with him for so long. I swear if I didn't have a crush on him, I would cut off the friendship entirely... well not entirely, but you know what I mean

Sick... ew

Ugh so yesterday I woke up feeling sick. I had a headache, killer sinuses, sore throat, and achy body. I have maintained a fever of 100.1 . Last night I woke up about 5 times even though I had taken more than enough nighquil. And today I have all those symptoms plus an ear ache

Bloody bracelet

I got bored at work, there are 63 cuts in all

So i found this on a website, but dont remember which one. i just thought it made sense... in a way. and although some of these are not the way i view my cutting, i know this is how some cuttters feel

Hurting yourself is NOT about attention!
Hurting yourself is NOT about wanting to kill yourself!
Hurting yourself is NOT about bloody EMO!!
Hurting yourself is NOT about proving how cool you are!!
Hurting yourself is NOT about having a weakness of personality!
Hurting yourself is NOT about self-hate!!
Hurting yourself IS a symptom of a larger problem!
Hurting yourself IS a symptom of a larger problem which the person may not even be aware of!!
Hurting yourself IS AN ADDICTION!!
Pure and simple.

Ugh

Ugh I have the worst cramps today. It has been horrible. And to make it worse, my man friend has canceled on me 3 times this week and it has been killing me.I yelled at him today and he just laughed. AAAHHHHH! Oh my god! I love the man but he drives me insane! Ugh, I am already crawling in my skin.

Cutting Survey

Are you a boy/ girl: girl
Age: 21
Age you began to cut: I first cut when I was 13
Does anyone know you cut: family and a few friends
Does your parent(s)/ guardian(s): yes
Do you ever burn or bruise yourself: I have burned myself a few times
Do you think that you are depressed: I know I am
Do you think you have anxiety problems: yes majorly
Do you think you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD): no
Do you have any other disorders: Paranoia, and sometimes i think I see things lol
Do you have an eating disorder: no
Are you on meds: some days
Have you been hospitalized or been to the ER for self injury/ suicide attempt: no
Have you tried to commit suicide: no, but I have had thoughts
How: slit my wrists or OD
Does anyone know that you tried: i hope they dont
Are you or have you ever been abused in any way: along with waking up with a guy humping and groping me, no. but i have had sexual issues
Do you do drugs: no
Do you think of cutting as a good or bad thing: I know its bad but it is good for me
Do you wish you could stop: some days
Do you wish to stop in the future: only if things become better
What are your feelings leading up to, during and after cutting: happiness, deppression, anger, sadness, boredness
When you cut does it hurt: Some times, but most of the time I have so much built up pain and anger that I don’t feel a thing
Do you bandage your cuts: if they are really bad
Where do you most normally cut: Arms and Legs
Are you alone when you cut: Always
Do you have a weapon of choice, do you carry it with you: I use Razors and box cutters. I keep razors pretty much everywhere even in my books
Have you ever made a weapon out of something ordinary or something you found: I used a broken Cd
What have you used to injure yourself: scissors, needles, safety pins, lighters, wire, Razors, knives
How do you feel about your cuts/scars, do they tell a story: some are words and reading them reminds me othe the story, but yeah for the most part I remember making every one
Do you ever design a cut (make it decorative or in a certain shape): I cut a lightning rod on my thigh, and have 6 words on my thighs
Are your cuts lines or in rows, or designs: lines rows and designs
Have you ever cut too deep: yes
Do you have trust issues: yes majorly
Do you sit in corners: on my bad days
Do you know people or hang out with people who cut?: I know a few people who used to cut or do it every once and a while, but I do it alot

Panic attack

Ugh have you ever had a major panic attack where its so bad you can't breath? Ever panic for no reason? I have, mainly because I stopped taking my meds. And even though I know how crazy I get when not on them, I still continue to not take them. Like the other day. I was just sitting in my room not doing anything and I started to cry. Then the next thing I was in a full on panic attack. I was hyperventilating and everything, it was crazy. It was honestly the worst attack I have had.

I DID IT!

I did it! 400 cuts in 2 years! Ok so technically I have 402 but still, how awesome!

Memories of cutting

So I was thinking about my life and what caused me to go down the road of self destruction. And as I think , I remember started cutting because my best friend did it. And then again because I was bored. And then I went through a phase where I did things I wasn't proud of, like in 9th grade I went and got drunk for my friends birthday, I gave my best friend a hand job in a sauna. Not long after that he told me he was gay. I guess those memories and built up shame and guilt just gave me more will power to cut. I started to hate myself, though it wasn't until years later that I entered complete self loathing. There was also an event that even to this day I don't know how to react to. When my best friend moved sophomore year, I spent the weekend they moved with them. When it was time for bed, the bedrooms weren't unpacked yet so my friend her brother and I all slept on a few mattresses pushed together in the living room with me in the middle. Her brother was a few years older than me but still a friend. But yeah, in the middle of the night something in my dream changed and that had never happened before. It came to mind that it wasn't happening in my dream it was happening to me. I open my eyes and her brother was under my blanket pressed up against me humping me. And to this day I don't know if he was dressed or not because I never turned to see. I was traumatized and pretended to be asleep until he was done. it must have been 5 or 10 minutes before he got up and went to the bathroom, and while he was gone I checked to see if my friend was awake but she wasn't, so I wrapped myself in my blanket and forced myself to go back to sleep. Plus growing up I had people telling me my dad was creepy, and a pervert. That got to me also. And for the past 4 or 5 years I have hugged him 3 or 4 times, and haven't allowed him to touch me. From highschool and beyond is when my cutting got bad, I even went sofar as to burn myself a few times. But since my era of self loathing started, my family life hasn't helped either. 3 years ago mom fell and broke her arm and leg and we were forced to take care of her. That started my depression, and sinse then anything and everything has sent me into a downward spiral. I had 4 friends die and have come close to over dosing many times. Even my therapist gave up on me because I was too depressed and didn't seem to want to quit the self injuring. This doesn't even really begin to express my memories and repressed feelings as to why I am a cutter, but not even my therapist knew about these things.

Scammed

So everyone knows that if you get something in the mail you never signed up for almost always is a scam. My dad didn't think of that when he got something about being a secret shopper. Hell he even went so far as to call and check it out. So the place sent him a check for a couple thousand dollars and without really thinking about it he went and cashed it. Not until a day later did my mom even consider it as a scam. So they called the bank and they said to give it a few days. So they did. That was great until yesterday when my dad got a call from the bank saying the check bounced. Knowing he prettymuch screwd our family, dad was sleepless with worry. And its not like mom could yell at him because she fell for it too. So now we r puting all the family money into my account because it has no connection to anyone elses, so the bank just closes dad and doesn't touch anyone elses. Needless to say dad isn't allowd on the internet anymore.

Reaching 400

So here it is, in the next few days I will reach 400 cuts in 2 years

Lots of blood

Ok so befor I cut tonight I took three morphine pills. I have been bleeding a lot and its mainly because I cut deep today. So yeah in the middle of a cut... my dad opened my door without knocking. Luckily I was able to pull a blanket over everything before he saw it. With the blood, I painted a picture in my journal. So now I'm just working on stopping the bleding.

I tried

Today I actually had the guts to talk to my best friend about my cutting and my other issues that I haven't told her. And when I brought it up she listened for a bit and then drifted off to another topic. She didn't even want to talk about it... she never does. I don't know, that just seems weird.

He didn't come

He didn't show up. We were supposed to walk. I waited around for an hour and he never came. We even talked about it today. We planned it on Saturday and he was totally for it. Even tonight he was ready, but he never showed :( how could he just not show up?! He is my Chris! it was an official hang out and he didn't come. I feel like crying it just hasn't come out yet. There is still the small hope he might show up. Even tho I told my mom we weren't going because he couldn't, I couldn't dare show my emotions and feelings towards him and how much it hurt me that he didn't even text me to say he wasn't coming. That's it the tears are coming

Awkward!

Ok so today my mom asked me to come into her room for a short chat. She had been reading a book and I guess the boy in the book cut him self and he did it in more than one area. So she learned that people don't just cut in one area of the body and that the prominently cut on their thighs, butts, and stomachs. She then asked me if I cut on more areas than just my arms. I just laughed and said maybe. Then she commented about how I should make an appointment with my therapist. But I was like no that won't do anything.I also told her that I do it more out of addiction than out of self loathing. Which isn't exactly true so whatever, she dosen't need to know everything about my cutting. She has no freaking idea how much I cut and she never will.

i think i broke my heart today

so a few weeks ago we found out that i was going to be an aunt, and the entire family was super happy but not allowed to tell anyone just in case. but mom didn't remember that and she told like half the family. well today we got a call saying that they lost the baby. and when i found out my heart just sank. i have has a horrible pain in my chest since, and it wont go away. i cant even talk to them because what do you say to someone who just lost their first baby? its just heart breaking. they were so excited and were still to scared to tell anyone.

Oh my god, i cant stand my mom! she has been a total bitch. she complains that i never contribute to anything which i don't understand, because i pay bills every other month. and she is the one who shops constantly. oh and not to mention that she thinks that i need a new job with more hours, when i work way more than 40 hours a week, just because i only have a "constant" job on Saturdays. AND she loves to pick at every one of my flaws, it drives me insane!
today i find out that she told some woman that i would stay with her children while she is gone for three days, and i guess it happened a few days ago. now i have to even though my plate is way too full already. she drives me freakin crazy! she thinks that just because i helped out in the special ed classes for 3 years that i would consider helping with 3 autistic kids by myself for 3 days! she is freakin crazy!i hate her! she honestly has no idea how much i hate her, i mean what the hell! I hate how she never consults with us about anything! she just thinks that we are useless and that she can find new things for us to do even though we are too busy as it is, and i need my freaking days off! she cant just decide that i have to to things! i am 21 years old for gods sake!

Again... it happened again.

I cut again for the first time in a few weeks. I needed it. It would have happened sooner of later, I knew I wouldn't stop. So now there r 5 fresh cuts on my body and it feels awesome! Weird I know, but I crave pain in a strange way.

The Boyfriend List

The list is:
* Johnny S
* Sean B
* Jesse R
* Jake W
* Cory H
* Marcus J
* Steven P
* Kyle M
* MacDonald F
* Justin B
* Matt W
* Andrew R
* Chris B
* Dane P
* Caleb G
* Zach S
* Benjamin G
* Seth M
* Ryan R
* Ryan B
* Neil L
* Brandon M


Others were thought of, but the more I thought of it, they didnt fit the issue

Heart

Here I sit not knowing what to think. Not knowing what is wrong with me. Yes there is the knowledge of the past, but still no idea of what is going on now. With the newer pains and possibilities. Anxiety builds up and pains arrives. The kind of pain that makes you want to scream. Trying not to wig out, I pop a pill to feel ok. Lets just hope it works.

A list of kids Names I have chosen.

This is a list of my choice of kids names. I don't have any, and I am not pregnant, but still..
Phineus-B
Nolan -B
Phorque-B/G
Zeus-B
Bronson -B/G
Evolet -G
Taiga -G
Angus-Cole -B/G
Sloane - G
Vance - B
Zathan - B
Elodie -G
Declan - B
Khile -G
Thackery -B
Wray -B
Wesliegh -B/G
Rafe -B
Persephone -G
Griffin -B/G
Arnon -B

I had a bad week

My life seems to be spiraling deep into a depression again. And I have been cutting constantly. The after effects of the cuts hurt more than the actual making of them.

Amber

Ugh, if she is what friends r like, i dont want any. She is soposedly pissed at me because I am not interesting enough. And plus the fact that she knows that I don't like talking about her ex boyfriend, and how she is gonna get back with him even tho she knows she shouldn't. It pisses me off. Not to mention the fact that she is always way too depressed for me to be around her, and I can't take that much stress right now. And then, today while I was sitting next to my sis, amber starte messeging her about how she was removing me from her myfaves because I am not worth talking to, and that she was gonna replace me with her ex, she is an idiot. She just needs to stop waiting for her life to start, it started when she got pregnant at 16 and needs to come to terms with the fact that maybe she isn't soposed to have a guy in her life right now so she can get her crap together and actuaslly become a good mom. I mean its not that hard, she knew what she was getting herself into when she was having sex, and having 2 kids you would think, would help her realise what her life was about.I need her to realise that she doesn't need a man to make her happy, she needs to accept her life, and move one, stop waiting for life to start when hers started a long time ago. Its rediculous. UGH!

Hell

Well life is lame. I have men in my life who act like they don't want to be. They enter into my life few weeks at a time, then out of no where they disappear. Guys suck right now, ugh

People in my life

People bug me. Well, not just any people, people in my life. I am caught between a rock and a hard place. Friends who date, then breakup. There is a separation and you have to decide who gets who. When you belong to one friend and have been told not to see the other person. And even though you have said you haven't, you still have a small connection. And never mention to so called party number 1 anything that involves party number 2. It makes me sad that I can't say anything about anything about anyone.2 its just hard

Sick

Ugh, summertime makes me sick... literally. Every summer I get the flu. I haven't got it yet, but I have been sick for the last few days. With a stuffy nose and a head ache and congestion. I can't stop sneezing and it is driving me crazy. There is always a tickle and its insane.