Changes to my body

For Christmas B is giving me a Tattoo, I couldn't get in until feb, but I am soo excited! I am going to get a thigh piece of Alice In Wonderland.. It will cover almost all my scars on my right leg, and will be beautiful.

freed from my shell

The man I love freed me from the shell of a life I didnt even know I was stuck in.

Tired of being the villan at pick up

Today I just  want  to throw up from stress. Waiting to get a talk from admin about  a situation last  week and  it  still hasn't happened yet which is weird. Apparently i was too harsh when talking to a parent ona day i had been very  distraught on and  after i knew i would get pulled in for it. Its just hard when someone looks at you like you are the villan every day

Weekends without B

Weekends without B are getting harder and harder to bear. Aside from being lonely and stuck with the family, I feel empty not being near him. I crave just to be near him, to feel his touch, his breath on my neck. Every other weekend with him just isn't doing it. He is my sunshine, he wants my soul and fills all the emptiness. I see a future with him in my life and I know he loves me and needs me in his life, I just always have that thought in the deep crevases of my mind that I'm not enough. That's the part that needs the constant refill of him. When he is around I don't question him or anything, he is mine and all mine. He's mine and I'm not going anywhere.

My family

The older I get and the more time I spend with my family,  the more I realize how much I hate them. Every minute with them irritates me more and more

Biggest fear ever

What if no one ever loves me enough to love me forever?

He Moved

This last weekend I helped B pack up his house and move back in with his parents. It was a great weekend but kinda hard knowing he is gonna be even further away for the next few months :( seeing him will be harder. it will be easier having the family know im at his house which also happens to be his parents house.

Telling

So after this week im not sure how my family will see me. I promised my bf id spend my vacation days with him or atleast mostly with him. But my family still doesnt know I stay at his house.
I kniw they must suspect something because he brings me home each weekend but I just cant knowingly know I am a disappointment to them. I love him and he makes me happier than they have in yrs

my heart in more ways than one

Well my 3 month appointment came and went. they ran tests and came to the conclusion that while surgery definitely helped, my heart still has its flaws. My Bicuspid is still leaking even after the fix so it seems my heart is meant to run that way. they aren't concerned because I am still doing fine. I have the irregular beat still but its only every so often and not anywhere what it was which is good but we will continue to watch it and they want me to go back in in 6 months for another ultrasound to keep an eye on it. I did experience my first actual pain the other day.. it was sharp, deep and fast and right along my scar. In the heart of my heart I think I know something. Life and love with Brandon has been a bit different lately. I think something is going on inside him, while he shows love and affection he also seems more bitter and indignant. He is who I am with, who I crave, who pops up in my mind throughout the day and he is the one who has my heart. I ache just thinking about the day when he might actually realize he no longer wants me in his life. It physically hurts to think about. I have never felt like this with someone. I thought I knew love with Chris but I was oh so wrong. what I has with him was nothing compared to what I have now. I now know the difference in giving your heart to someone who doesn't want it or care about it, and giving your heart to one who loves you in return. One who looks at you like you matter to them, who makes you feel magical. I cannot say I see my whole life with him but I cant imagine not being with him. Tonight mom asked how serious we are, whether we see our lives together or moving towards that level. Honestly I would move to that level in a heartbeat but there is that part of me that believes that while he does love me he doesn't love me or want me on that level. I think he believes I am holding back still and he is almost resentful. He mentioned something about me always pulling away from him when he is trying to be intimate. I could believe it, it made me think.. do I? maybe I have once or twice but not to my recognition. If anything I crave his touch because he isn't interested in intimacy. Just his touch calms me and I don't think he understands that. Yes I have my moments (that I have had for yrs) where someone else touching me hurts my skin, but with him it rarely happens. Its rare with him. He is the one my heart sings for, He is my sand dollar on the beach.

Life After Heart Surgery

Its a little over a month since surgery and I can officially say I am off pain meds. Oh my god it has been a rough few weeks. From ER visits to countless calls to the hospital about pain and other problems. The pharmacy not filling prescriptions, and Drs taking hours to call back it was so hard and painful and having nurses look at me in pain while knowing I was weeks out of heart surgery and still treat me like I was a drug seeking crazy person. After filing complaints on nurses and various staff, I finally got a Dr to listen to me and help me. Sleeping was impossible although I was constantly exhausted and passing out in chairs. Taking pain pills every three hours was taking a toll on me and in the end I fought it, I decided to suffer through the night just so I could sleep more than 2 hrs at a time. Being stuck with family has been my hardest issue. B has been visiting and going out when he isn't working and its been wonderful. Even my mom is starting to like him. Being around him helped with the pain, he calms me and makes it easier. My aunt took me away for 5 days to Portland, we did lots of tourist things and it was very relaxing, I even got a haircut. While on the trip I weened myself off of the pain meds too so that has made things easier. Next week is my Second Check Back appointment and then soon after that I get to go back to work. I am ready for work.

1week post op

Last Wednesday I went in for my 4th open heart surgery, and 5th heart surgery. It's been a long hard week. They said it was an extremely difficult surgery and took them an hour and a half longer than they thought it would. The hospital was better than I thought it would be.I had great nurses and lots o visitors. B was there most of the days and was amazing. He was precious and delecate. He held my hand and rubbed my back and took me on walks and helped me to the bathroom when the nurses weren't fast enough. The weekend before my surgery told me he loved me and hearing that felt as good as I thought it would. I came home from the hospital last night. Hardest thing ever! The family has been driving me crazy and while trying to help have been hurting me. I'm so damn sore and achy it hurts to move. I barely slept and when I did it wasn't for very long. I can't seem to get comfortable but hopefully I will get a hospital bed by Friday. I just hope I can sleep before then.

It's almost here

Well u have 3 and a half days of work left before I go in for surgery. The kids at work are still learning the concept of time and ask everyday if I am fixed yet. But boy am I ready. While I am ready for it I am also a bit nervous, the word is out and I'm fairly certain everyone knows what's going on.  It's going to be weird and stressful and hard. I have no memory of the pain of the last open heart surgery I had. If anything that is what makes me nervous the most, my pain tolerance is nowhere near where it used to be.